“Okay. It’s okay. Mara, deep breaths. Just calm down.”
Calm down? Calm the fuck down?
Rose Weasley you cannot tell a girl who just single-handedly ruined her entire life to calm down!
Okay so maybe I’m being a little melodramatic but it sure doesn’t feel that way.
Albus and Scorpius have somehow found a way into the Gryffindor Common room. Not only that but they have requisitioned brooms from other males in the extended Potter/Weasley/Lupin/Delacour Clan (I’ve got to find a more concise nickname for those people) and are on there way up here!
I’m going to DIE!! DIE I TELL YOU!
Wow. I think I need a calming draught or something. Seriously.
Everyone else in our room is currently staring at me like I’m a loon.
As if I haven’t already had enough of that the last few weeks. Merlin.
Why are people so nosy anyways? I’m not that interesting.
“Leonidas what the hell is going on? You just told some random creepy kid I was your boyfriend, snogged me and ran off! I deserve an explanation!”
Okay I take it back. My life is interesting. I confess.
Ugh Al. Thanks.
Really, like the stupid girls that Rose and I live with really needed to have something else to hang over my head.
Thankfully Alice is in the greenhouses so at least one of my close friends doesn’t know about my...situation as of yet. Of course Alice is a hopeless romantic so I’m a tad worried about her reaction but I’m sure we’ll get to that later.
Gah, now I’m going to have to convince Rose to modify their memories.
Don’t look at me like that! I’m kidding! Plus it’s not like she’d actually do it. Damn Weasley’s with their morals.
Okay okay, I’ll quit stalling, but what do I say???
“Erm. Whoops?” Ugh. I am hopeless. Also I seriously need to work on my eloquence in times of stress.
It’s a problem when your enormous vocabulary entirely tanks it and the only word you seem to know is whoops.
“Whoops? Whoops? What is that supposed to mean?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON?”
Okay there Al keep your shirt on. I’m getting there. Actually if you would rather have your shirt off I’m sure no one currently in the room would object. Actually probably Rose. And Scorpius.
SHITE!! And me of course. I mean obviously I would object. That was just implied so I figured I didn’t need to say it. Merlin you people are dim.
Anyways, frankly I think now is the perfect time for begging. Yes it is most definitely begging time.
I mean no matter how much Albus Potter hates me he can’t be that bad of a person. He was created from The Harry Potter and The Ginny Weasley. He has their quidditch talent so he’s got to have some kindness in there somewhere.
But before I further embarrass myself and stomp on my pride some more all these crazy girls need to get out of here. Now.
Amidst shouts of “Hey!” “It’s our room too!” “Stop pushing” and one “Marry me Al!” Rose and I have finally managed to clear the room of trash. Thanks a lot for the help guys. Really. Next time just leave us to be trampled.
Okay. Now it’s really begging time.
“Please, please, please help me Al! I can’t take it any more!”
Hmm. That didn’t really explain anything did it? He’s just looking a bit confused.
Still mad, but obviously trying to contain his laughter at my spectacular display.
Scorpius on the other hand left the ‘trying to contain his’ part behind hours ago. He’s been laughing his arse off since they got here. Possibly since I ran away from them. If he doesn’t stop soon he’s going to herniate something.
“I’m being stalked and you are my only hope! I’ll love you forever! I promise not to…..not to…..i’ll never dye Scorpius’s hair red and gold on Slytherin-Gryffindor quidditch match days ever again!”
Man. I’m getting desperate. That is one of my favorite past times, that is, and now I have to give it up. For what? A stupid stalker. McLaggen is going down.
“No bleeding way! I could never tarnish the Potter name in such a fashion! I’ll never date you! Never!”
Bastard. He’s just being difficult. What am I going to do? And that’s bollocks about the Potter name thing. Harry and Ginny love me. See? I even feel comfortable calling the savior of wizardkind by his first name!
Pfft. Tarnish the Potter name. Arse.
“Actually Albus, this could work in your favor as well.” Oh Rosie I love you! But how?
“Yeah man. Weren’t you just telling me the other day that having those crazy girls following you around was driving you insane? Ever since James started ignoring them they’ve been smothering you.” Yeah, yeah Scorp. We all know you’re only on my side to prevent the manhandling of your “gorgeous locks.”
Hah. Your best friend just glared at you. I don’t think you were supposed to be on my side Scorpius. Good thing I’m such a good briber. Maybe I should have been a Slytherin after all? That was some pretty slick negotiating if I do say so myself.
Nah. I’m waaaay too self confident for Slytherin. Have you seen those girls? They’re either greasy little things or “Perfect Pureblood Princesses” or the ‘triple P of doom’ as I like to call it. I would never survive there. No swearing? No thank you.
Also way too much makeup way too early in the morning. Seriously have you seen Vesta Zabini lately? Ugh. That girl spends way too much time on her face. And hair. And nails. And everything really, she must not sleep. Seriously she’s probably like ‘Oh eleven o’clock, see you guys tomorrow it’s beauty regiment time.’
Most likely you think I’m being a bit harsh but that girl deserves it. She’s horrific. Her outsides, unlike The Creeper, most definitely do not match her insides. Sadly.
Anyhow. Back to convincing Albus Potter to help me. By any means necessary.
“Please Al?” I just used the puppy dog eyes. No one can resist the puppy dog eyes. Well except my Mum, but mums are like bred not to fall for those kinds of things.
“Ugh. Fine. But I am never snogging you ever again. I think I’m scarred for life.” Hmmft. Well fine then. I don’t ever want to snog you either. Plus you’re missing out. I am an excellent snogger. We are not going to get into this again.
Wait...he’ll do it? YESSSSS!!! I LOVE YOU ALBUS POTTER!
Okay not really, but I am so happy right now I could sing, or dance or whatever it is people do when they are excessively happy! Skip! Yes that is what I’ll do! I’ll skip.
Somehow during that internal excitement thingy I managed to latch myself onto Albus.
Don’t look at me like that! I was happy! Hugging people is a natural reaction. Just don’t try to skip while hugging someone.
Not only is it pretty physically painful for the person you are hugging (especially if they are of the male gender) but it also looks incredibly awkward.
Now Rose and Scorpius are staring at me.
Al is rolling on the floor cringing in pain and clutching his….bits….
Why am I so incredibly awkward? WHY?
“Can you stop staring at me now? I feel quite uncomfortable. Oh, and sorry Al. I was a little excited. Plus I’m sure you deserved it.”
What? Don’t look at me like that! We were getting much too friendly. Just because we have to be pretend dating to dash the hopes of my crazy stalker does not mean our rivalry and intense dislike just magically disappears.
Sorry people that’s not how life works. Although I do feel kind of bad kneeing him...there...right after he agreed to help me.
I did apologize though.
He is glaring at me. Oh well!
“This is never going to work.” Oh thanks Rosie. What a supportive best friend I have.
“Too right. We need a Plan.” Wow. Record it in the record books! Rose Weasley and Scorpius Malfoy actually agreed on something! What a day!
Plans usually involve...well...everyone.
This is going to be one long day. But on the bright side you get to be introduced to every single person related to one Albus Potter.
Well maybe we’ll leave out Molly. She likes to harness the spirit of Percy Weasley of old sometimes.
You know, how he became a total arse during the War? Yep that’s her. Usually we just pretend they’re not related though. It works out quite well. Except you know, birthdays. And Christmas.
Wow. I know way too much about the inner workings of this family. I probably know them better than my own family at this point.
So here I am being dragged down the girls stairs by one Rose Weasley.
Oh no! Plug your ears!!!!
“Sonorous. WEASLEY/POTTER/LUPIN/DELACOUR CLAN PLUS LORCAN AND XANDER! I CALL YOU ALL TO ARMS. MEET IN THE R.O.R. IN FIFTEEN MINUTES OR YOUR DONE FOR!”
What’s the ROR? Well I’m sure I’ll find out soon.
One thing I can say is life is most definitely never boring when you’ve got Weasleys around.
Although I don’t really know why they still include Lupin in the name. At least while summoning everyone at school. Teddy graduated quite some years ago now. Whatever, probably tradition or something.
Or he’s visiting. Phwoar. Seriously someone needs to warn me whenever that man enters a building because he is F.I.N.E, fine. Also I apparently lose all brain function in his immediate presence. I apologize for my super coolness.
Probably I should drop that little swooning habit I have developed since I am soon to be fake dating his godbrother. Not to mention his obvious infatuation with the oldest Weasley daughter (Victorie...just for clarification). When did my life get this complicated?
What are we doing in this hallway, seriously what is the world’s obsession with this creepy tapestry. I think I’ve already mentioned it to you. You know the one with the ballet dancing? Yep. I somehow always, and by always I legitimately mean every single time I walk by, find some Weasley/Potter (I’m cutting out the other names for now. Way too long to write) pacing back and forth in front of it. Weirdos.
Speaking of which, guess what Rose is doing as we speak?
You guessed it! Pacing around that creepy tapestry. Holy Merlin!! Where’d that door come from?
What the sodding hell is going on here?
“What the sodding hell is going on here?” What? Are you making fun of repetition again? Haven’t we gone over this?
“You idiot this is the Room of Requirement. Do you mean to tell me that after this many years of being best friends with my cousin—against my good judgement of course—you still haven’t found it? Merlin this is going to be more difficult than I thought.”
Hey! That is offensive. I am NOT an idiot. I hate you Albus Potter.
“I hate you Albus Potter. What is the Room of Requirement Rosie, because apparently I am an idiot for not knowing. Excuse me for not having an enormous family going back generations of pranksters to find all of the castles secrets for me!” Hah. That put him in his place. I bet James told him where it was anyway. There’s no way he could have found it on his own.
“Alright you two, calm down. Get inside everyone we have some major planning to do. Seriously if you have any plans, cancel them. That includes meeting random slags in broom closets Fred. Get back over here.” Wow. Rosie can be really commanding huh?
Well I guess you have to be for this family to listen to you. They’re a little on the rambunctious side if you can’t tell.
OH NO!!! Rosie can’t tell all of them about this! It’s sooo embarrassing. I don’t want them to know! Aaaaggggg!
“NO ROSIE DON’T DO IT!”
“Shut up Mara it’s not my fault you chose Albus to be your fake boyfriend. Now you have to pay the consequences.”
Okay I would just like to point out that I did not choose him on purpose. This entire situation is completely and utterly his (well and The Creeper’s of course) fault so they better not go blaming it on me.
“Hey! It’s not my fault either! It’s not like I was the one to shout my name down the hallway and lead my stalker right to me!”
“Woah woah woah! You are NOT blaming this on me! I didn’t even do anything! You snogged me in the middle of the corridor!”
“Shut up you prat! I hate you! You got us into this stupid mess and now I have to actually pretend to like you!”
“I got us into this mess? Who snogged who here? Plus I’m not the one with the stalker!”
“I may have snogged you but I wouldn’t have had to if you didn’t shout down the hallway! I was doing just fine until you exposed me—”
“SHUT UP!!!!!” Wow. They don’t call her the little feisty one for nothing do they? That Lily Potter sure has some lung power.
“Now. What the hell is going on? No matter how entertaining this discombobulated argument is I would like an explanation please. Did Albus seriously just say that you snogged him Mara?”
Shite. Oh well. I guess they know now, I might as well explain.
“Ugh. Yes and it was repulsive.”
“Hey! I’m a good snogger! You’re repulsive!”
“Shut up Albus I’m trying to tell the story here!”
“Well if you’d get your facts straight I wouldn’t need to interject!”
“It’s not my fault you are a terrible kisser! You have to face the truth!”
“I am NOT a terrible kisser you bint!”
“SHUT UP! Are we seriously going to have to silence you two to get through this conversation? Merlin’s Pants!” HAHAHHAHAHHAHHAH I love you Rosie!
“Don’t look at me like that Mara. You made me say The Forbidden Words. You’re in for it now!”
Hee hee. She tries not to say that because it’s such a Ron Weasley thing to say. Last time she said that in public there was a six page spread in Witch Weekly about fashionable insults. We couldn’t go a day without hearing some slag second year mimicking her.
“Anyways, could we please get back to the situation at hand. Some of us have places to be.” Seriously who invited Molly? I thought we had decided not to include her in any family gatherings since last time when she totally ruined our end of year prank. Come to think of it, they can’t be family gatherings if me and Scorpius are here but we’ll just overlook that yeah?
“Alright so here’s the short version. Mara is being stalked, she tried to hide behind Al and Scorp which didn’t really work out so well so when she was discovered she panicked and snogged Al. Now her stalker thinks they are dating and we have to convince him of that until he can find someone else to obsess over.” Thanks Rose. I don’t think I could have gotten that out without having another panic attack.
“Al and Mara have to pretend to date?”
“Never going to work!”
“Sorry Mara I guess you’re just going to have to be stalked forever. There’s now way this is going to turn out for the better.”
Good thing I’ve gotten used to all the Potter/Weasleys talking at the same time or it would be quite difficult to understand anything that is currently going on. That was Fred, Hugo, James and Dom respectively by the way.
Lorcan is ogling Dom (when is he not ogling her?) and Lysander is staring into space (also his usual modus operandi).
Lily is just looking at us contemplatively and Teddy is smirking. It’s those two who worry me the most.
Everyone knows that Teddy is the confidant for all the Potter boys and him smirking means he knows something that I don’t. Lily is known for being a little ethereal but quite intuitive, kind of like their Aunt Luna. I wish they’d stop looking at us like that. It’s a bit unnerving.
Also I dislike how little faith the others have in our Plan. Well it’s not really a Plan as of yet but it’s definitely a basis for one. And it’s our only option so they better help.
“Come on guys I really need your help! McLaggen is driving me crazy! And if another fangirl smacks Al’s arse I’m going to vomit all over the place!” It’s seriously disgusting.
“Yeah that’s true. Ugh I can’t even sleep in my dorm any more. It’s like Lily and I are the only sane fifth years left, everyone else is just like ‘oh Al he’s so sexy,’ ‘ do you think Al will notice my new lip gloss?’ ‘maybe I should leave a few buttons open on my shirt for Al!’ it’s gross. Sorry cousin.” Ah Roxie. You make my life sometimes.
“Hey don’t apologize to me! If another girl proposes to me this week I’m going to become a monk or something! Seriously James how could you do this to me??”
Haha. Oh the difficult life of being a Potter/Weasley (I’m hoping you caught my sarcasm. If not, I was being sarcastic).
“I really don’t understand you two! You could have any bird in this place and you’re just wasting it! And you call yourselves men!” Wow Fred. Be a little more chauvinistic there.
“Ow! That really hurt!” Thank goodness that boy has a plethora of female relatives to keep him in line.
“Okay so lets start planning.” Oh yeah. The Plan. Good thing Rosie is here to keep us in line or we’d never get anything done.
“Umm. Rosie? What exactly do we have to plan? I mean I know Albus and I aren’t all that...friendly...but how is a Plan going to help anything?”
“You dare disgrace the name of a good Plan? Dear Mara, have we taught you nothing over the years? Plans are key to the success of any prank and if you two can pull this off it will be one of the greats!” Alright there James, no need to get all quidditch Captain pep talk on us. But seriously I have no idea what they are going to plan. Whatever. Over the years if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s to always trust the Potter/Weasleys to come up with something.
“Okay. You two go over to that couch and practice being civil. The rest of us are going to come up with a Plan to present your newfound relationship to the school and cover up the fact that Al announced its fakeness to our entire dorm! Seriously Al don’t you know how to do anything right?” Hehe. Al got yelled at.
Ew. But now I have to actually be civl to him? Merlin this is going to be hard. Haha. The rest of the Potter/Weasleys are actually forming a huddle in the corner right now. This is so intense.
Al sat down on the left side of the couch before I could even get over there. Stupid long legs. So I sat all the way on the right, pushed into the arm. What? I don’t want his germs to get me!
“Am I really going to have to send Lily over there to moderate you two? Sit next to each other and practice or this is never going to work!” Yes mother Rose. Don’t tell her I called her that. She’ll beat me. Or some such violent act.
He has his arm around my shoulders. I can’t help but grimace. You’d think that his attractiveness would even out my disgust but I just can’t overcome our mutual dislike. This is never going to work. Plus if he was any tenser he’d explode!
“Mara stop looking like I just made you eat an acid pop! And Al you look constipated! Relax. It’s just an arm for Merlin’s sake!” Yeah easy for you to say Lily. Your not sitting on a couch embracing your enemy.
“Okay lets start with basics then. Al hold Mara’s hand.”
“Ew No! I don’t know where those hands have been Lily! I don’t want to!”
“Mara how old are you? This is your life that is at stake. Now my brother washes his hands, I promise. Everything is going to be alright.” Well when you say it in such a soothing tone I suppose I’ll have to believe you.
That Lily Luna is an enigma. She can go from shouting and looking like her head’s on fire to being calm and reassuring in a split second.
“See that’s not so bad now is it?” No actually. It’s not so bad. His hand isn’t sweaty or gross or anything.
Actually he seems to have quite good hand hygiene. Nice even nails, no hang nails or ripped cuticles.
Better than mine actually. I usually bite them when I get nervous.
You probably think I’m really creepy because I am so critically contemplating Albus Potter’s nail care.
Whatever, think what you will. His hands are warm. That’s a good thing since mine are usually a bit on the chilly side.
He’s looking at me funny.
“What?” Okay so I’m a little abrupt, what can you do?
“Huh? Er...nothing.” Well it was obviously something or he wouldn't have been staring at me weirdly. Hmm. I’ll let it slide this time.
“Okay now that you’ve got hand holding down why don’t you hug?” WHAT??? I’ve only just let this boy touch my minor extremities! Don’t you think this is going a bit fast? We’re only sixteen after all! Who needs hugs?
“Mara if I hear one more word I’m going to have to pull out the bat-bogey. Is that what you want?” AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!
I didn’t even say anything out loud!!
Everyone knows that Potter women have the most lethal bat-bogey hexes of all time! I have no clue how they do that! Mine aren’t even a tenth as powerful. Crazy Weasley genes.
“Woah there Lils, no need to get testy we’re going. You can put that wand away.” Thank you Al. I was freaking out a little too bad to get a word out.
This touching thing must be getting to me. I just thanked Al Potter. Weird.
“Okay well if you want me to calm down then hug dammit!” Man that girl is violent all of a sudden.
I don’t think I’ve felt this awkward in a long time. Actually that is a lie. I felt much more awkward this morning directly after I stopped snogging Albus but in the last ten minutes I do not think I have felt this awkward. Have you ever taken part in one of those hugs where no one melds? Like both people are just stiff as a board and their arms just happen to go around each other? Like when first and second years dance! That’s exactly what it’s like!
You don’t know what I’m talking about? Yes you do. Don’t even deny it. Anyways that is how awkward our half-hearted hugging attempt is going. Fun times this is. Fun times.
Can’t they hurry up with the plan so we can be done practicing already?
OH NO!!! LILY IS PULLING OUT THE WAND!
I think I just whimpered a bit. But hey it worked. Al wrapped his arm around my back, put the other in my hair and we had a real honest to Merlin hug!
Maybe we can do this after all.
Lily is beaming at us like we just saved the world or something.
Actually now that I think about it that was kind of a weird reaction on Al’s part. I mean we hate each other. If he had seen the wand coming out he should have grabbed me and used me as a shield, not protected me.
Weird. But hey, everyone did say that Harry Potter had a hero complex (well the Daily Prophet did when they were being run as propaganda and ruining lives) maybe it spread to his children.
Or he realized that was the only way to prevent Lily from cursing us. No one ever said the boy was dumb. Plus he’s a Slytherin. The word ‘sly’ is in their house name. Cunning is what they’re known for.
“Hey guys we’ve figured out the Pl—Woah!”
“Look at Al and Mara”
“They’re actually hugging!”
“This might work after all!”
Those kids seriously need to learn to take turns talking. The overlapping voices thing is getting a little overwhelming. Especially since the lot of them sound so sodding similar.
ARGH!! Way to drop me on the floor there Al! You can’t just abruptly stop hugging someone when they aren’t paying attention! Especially when your supporting more than half of their body weight!
Merlin. He probably did it on purpose. The Plan aside we do hate each other after all. I’m going to have to be careful around this boy.
“Bloody hell Potter, what was that for??”
“What are you talking about, it’s not my fault you can’t stand up by yourself!”
Ugh. He’s so annoying. He dropped me! How is that my fault at all?
“I can too stand just fine! You sodding dropped me you arse!”
“I didn’t bleeding drop you because I wasn’t holding you! Generally when people hug they stay standing by themselves. Merlin your an idio—”
“Okay, okay calm down you two. We have a Plan. If you can stay civil long enough to hear it, it just might work.” Thank goodness Rosie ended the argument there. I totally didn’t have a comeback. But what is it with that boy calling me an idiot today?
“Fine. What is it. The faster it works, the sooner we can get out of this mess.” Aren’t I just so optimistic?
“Okay so here’s your back story. Remember that detention you two did about two nights ago that took all night in the trophy room?” Hehe. That detention really only should have taken a few hours. Sadly we had a little distraction. Namely we started an epic duel after Al threw some cleaning solvent at my head and then blamed it on Peeves. Not cool Al, not cool. Peeves wasn’t even in the room.
Anyways, that obviously escalated to an all out war which took a good few hours and then after that we had to clean everything all over again because we had basically trashed the entire room. Sadly we didn’t get back home until the wee hours of the morning. And of course we had a DADA test the next day. Figures.
“Erm. Yes. What about it?” Hah. Al looks totally ashamed. He knows it was his fault that we took so long. Stupid boy. If I got worse than an A on my test it’s his head!
“Well we’ll just say that instead of an epic cleaner fight or whatever, you were out all night ‘getting together’.” Oh dear Merlin. My best friend just used air quotes. You know shite is going down when Rose Weasley resorts to air quotes to get her point across.
“Plus all our roommates woke up when you got back to the room Mara. Remember you tripped over the door jamb and woke everyone up? We can just say that Al was putting on a show because you two were embarrassed about getting together, you know, because of all the free flowing hatred between you two and that you had wanted to keep the relationship a secret. Al didn’t totally ruin it because he never said he wasn’t your boyfriend. He was just distraught because you told someone about it.” Thank Merlin I have such smart friends.
That should be a pretty good excuse actually. I can’t even imagine what would happen if I was really dating Al. I wouldn't want to tell anyone ever. That would be horrific. More embarrassing than randomly snogging him in a hallway full of people and forcing him to become my fake boyfriend, but did Rose really need to disclose that information about my clumsiness so publicly? I mean really, and she calls me her best friend.
And of course that is the only part of the previous sentence that Albus actually listened to. He is now smirking at me. Stupid boy. What is the point of door jambs anyways? They’re really just put there so people like me trip over them and wake people in the middle of the night!
“Okay then what do clumsy and I have to do?” Oh thanks Al, really boyfriendly there.
“All you guys have to do is look really in love. You know, touchy feely and stuff. The only way this is going to work is if you pretend your ‘hatred’ was pent up sexual aggression, that you actually liked each other the whole time. Otherwise no one is going to believe you.”
I am gobsmacked. They want me to act like I’m in love? With Albus Potter? No fucking way. This is never going to work.
“This is never going to work.” Hey, what do you know Al and I actually agree on something. That’s a first.
“Yeah you guys. There’s no way we can pull this off. I guess I’ll just be stalked. I mean McLaggen will have to realize I don’t like him eventually right?”
“You don’t even want to try?”
“I just spent an hour trying to help you two and you’re just going to give up? Fine. You can just deal with this on your own.”
Well I guess that’s that. Fake relationship terminated. Now if you don’t mind me I’m going to leave this weirdo room before it disappears again and find somewhere to hide.
“Al Potter I love you!”
“Marry me Al!”
“Hey Al, guess what I forgot to put on under my school kit this morning?”
I think that was the last straw. Soon they're going to be downright propositioning him or something. Also, apparently Al and I are more alike than we think. Why you ask?
Because Al just started snogging me. In the middle of a corridor. Filled with people.
No seriously, how do I get myself into these things?
I guess that relationship is not so terminated after all...
Hey all! So here’s chapter two. I loved writing the arguments it was so fun! This chapter has a lot more dialogue than I usually write. What do you think? How do you like the family? Thanks for reading, don’t forget to review!
Nothing really changed...just fixing a few things that were bothering me. Thanks to everyone who reviewed!
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