Chapter 9 : Why We Gotta Fall for it Now
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Why We Gotta Fall for it Now
James and Peter didn't always know when to take a hint, but this morning they did. The two hurried off to breakfast early, allowing Remus and Sirius some privacy. Remus, not exactly feeling ready for privacy, made his way towards the door to join the others for breakfast. Sirius grabbed a hold of the boy's wrist and pulled him to a stop, making his bag fall to the floor.
“Why are you being so stubborn about this?”
“I'm just protecting myself,” Remus answered, pulling his hand free of the boy's grip.
“Why do you think you need protection from me?” The pain showed in Sirius' eyes.
“I don't think, I know that I need protection. Sirius...these feelings, they're new to you, but I've had a lot of time to deal with them. We're so close and if we jump into something else, something more, then there's no going back to this.” Remus took a deep breath and stared at the floor. “I don't wanna lose you as my friend just to be some...cheap, wild, whim of a fling.”
“You wouldn't be,” Sirius insisted. He wanted to feel hurt at Remus' accusation, but he understood exactly why the boy would think such a thing. “It isn't like that.”
“Then prove it,” Remus offered simply.
“I can't!” Sirius rubbed at his eyes and grumbled under his breath. “I can't just say what you want me to. I can't do it.”
“I...I don't know.” Sirius shook his head and sighed in distress. “I want to but.... Maybe I'm just broken.”
“You aren't broken,” Remus snapped. “Sirius, you've been through hell, twice over, and you are far from broken. You just...you don't know how to love someone. You don't how to be loved.”
Sirius' grey eyes locked onto the blue of Remus'. “I'm just afraid that if I say it, then later, if I screw up.... I don't wanna hurt you.”
“Really?” Remus asked, his tone light and slightly cold. “I think you're afraid I'm going to hurt you. You're afraid that if you leave yourself vulnerable like that, something awful's going to happen.”
Sirius took a seat on the edge of his bed and scooted his toe across the carpet. He stared at the off colored line his foot had left, the silence raging on.
“I'm not missing class,” Remus muttered finally as he pulled his bag up onto his shoulder. “It's too close to finals,” he added as he headed out of the room.
Sirius opened his mouth to say something, anything, to keep Remus from walking out; the boy was simply too fast and Sirius had nothing worth saying anyways. He laid back on his bed and growled into his pillow, his hands twisting into his hair to pull at it roughly.
“Get your ass up,” Remus ordered, stepping back into the room. “You aren't missing class either. Get your bag.”
Sirius smirked and got to his feet. He grabbed up his bag and threw it onto his shoulder, then followed Remus out of the room to catch the last of breakfast before Transfiguration class.
“Hey! Where are you going?” James asked, narrowing his eyes at Remus as they filed out their last class. “Aren't you coming to the kitchens with us?” He thumbed down the hall in the opposite direction Remus was turned.
“I'm meeting my study group in the library,” Remus answered. “You guys can come along if you want.” The look on James, Sirius and Peter's faces was more than obvious; they would not be attending any sort of study group in any place when they could go to the kitchen instead. Remus sniggered at the reaction and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I'll see you guys later,” he laughed out before heading off for the library.
Sirius watched as the other boy walked away and kept his head down until the three remaining Marauders reached the kitchens. They made their way through the torrent of House Elves, all eager to offer up goodies at the sight of the boys.
“So, mate, you forgot to come crawling on your knees, telling me how right I was,” James said with a smug grin as he hopped up onto an unused counter in the back corner of the kitchen.
Sirius barked out a laugh and joined his friend on the counter. “I'm not crawling around, but...you were right,” he conceded.
“So what's the deal then?” James continued. “I thought by now you two would be an item or something. You've barely talked to the guy all day.”
“Technically, Remus isn't talking to him, either,” Peter threw out as he settled onto a near-by stool. “You can't put it all on Sirius.”
James raised his eyebrows and cocked his head. It was odd how Peter always seemed to know what was going on, despite no one having actually shared with him. James was in no mood to point out Peter's nosing skills and instead, turned back to Sirius for his answer.
“We would be,” Sirius muttered as he took a handful of cookies from one of the Elves. “He's being all...stubborn. He wants me to say the L word first. I tried to talk him out of it, but you know how damn persistent he is.”
“So tell him you love him,” James laughed. He stuffed an entire chocolate chip cookie into his mouth and spoke over the obstruction. “What's the big deal?”
“That is the big deal. I can't just say that I love him. I can't do it. I tried and I can't. He's got it in his head that I'm just afraid of getting hurt or something. A bunch of hooey.” Sirius scoffed down a cookie and frowned at the floor. “Ridiculous, right?” he prompted, glancing up at James.
James was quick to shove another cookie into his mouth and signaled over an Elf to order up some drinks.
“You agree with him!” Sirius growled, shoving his fist into James' shoulder.
“I didn't say anything!” James defended, crumbs littering his lap as he spoke over the sweet.
“Exactly.” Sirius folded his arms and assumed the most child-like pout he could muster.
Peter scoffed loudly and looked between the other two boys. “You two sound like a couple of girls,” he sighed, rolling his eyes. “Thank you,” he added to an Elf as she brought him a glass of milk.
Sirius laughed and shook his head. “You're right, you're right. No more feelings junk.”
“Yeah,” James agreed, also laughing. “I mean, we should feel bad for Remus right now. He's probably having to sit there and listen to a bunch of feelings junk right now.”
“Huh?” Sirius stopped in mid bite and raised a single eyebrow at James.
“Why would Remus be talking to her?”
“Well, she just broke it off with that William bloke.” James sighed when Sirius continued to stare at him with confused eyes. “Alice is in Remus' study group.”
Sirius stared down at the half finished cookie in his hands and took a slow bite out of it. He kicked the back of his feet against the counter and dropped what remained of the sweet down onto the space beside him. “I'll see you guys later,” he mumbled as he jumped from his spot.
Sirius headed down the hallway and towards the library. He paced in front of the doors, his hands twisting in front of him, intending to wait for Remus to come out. It didn't take long for impatience to get the better of the boy and make him pull open the doors. His eyes found Remus the moment he stepped into the room.
Remus was sitting at a table with about six other people. He looked up with an amazed smile on his face as Sirius approached. “You're gonna join us?”
Sirius shook his head and stared at the ground.
“Then what are you doing here?” Remus asked, putting down his quill.
Sirius shifted on the spot and gave a small shrug, his eyes never leaving the ground. He took a deep breath and closed off his mind to the people around him. He tried not to care that was a table full of studying students now staring at him with wide eyed wonder. He ignored the annoyed look on the librarian's face. His lips curled up into a tiny grin and he whispered, “I'm telling you that I love you.”
Remus' eyes widened and he let out a nervous laugh. “What?”
It almost seemed quieter in the library now, if that was even possible. Sirius felt as though every eye was focused on him. “I said I love you,” Sirius repeated, this time rather loud. He didn't care that the librarian was now charging across the room, headed straight for him. “I love you, damn it.”
Remus gave a bashful smile and got out of his seat. He bit down on his bottom lip and put his arms around Sirius' neck, pulling the boy into a hug. In a matter of seconds, the librarian had her hands on the boys, shoving them towards the doors, muttering about public displays and take it in the hall, then shoved them right of the library doors.
“Okay, okay, we're out, stop pushing,” Sirius laughed as the woman snorted and whisked back into the library. He felt Remus take his hand and gave it a squeeze in return. “I said it,” he boasted, turning around to face the other boy. “I said it and I'll keep saying it too if I -”
Sirius' words were cut off as Remus' lips came crashing down onto his own. Remus' hand slipped behind the boy's neck while his other arm reached around Sirius' waist and pulled him closer. Sirius pushed his hands up Remus' chest and locked them around the boy's neck; one hand twisting its fingers into the other boy's shaggy brown locks.
Slowly, their lips moved together, each of them longing to savor the moment. The faint taste of cookie that laid on Sirius' tongue, the spiced aroma that still clung to Remus' robes from Potions class, the subtle way that Sirius' fingers began to trace over the scar that ran down the back of Remus' neck; all details they both planned on saving. They held each other closely and kissed until they were desperate for air; then pushed further, denying their lungs what they craved. Teeth grazed over lips and tongues, the tiniest trace of blood soon laced their kiss.
Desperate for air, Sirius pulled away with a gasping laugh. “Wow,” he whispered, touching his bottom lip with a dazed look on his face. “Can we...can we get out of the hall now?” he asked with a huge grin.
Remus nodded sheepishly and pointed towards the library. “I just need to get my stuff.” He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and grinned. “Cookies?”
“I'll get your stuff,” Sirius whispered, the smallest amount of pink topping his cheeks. He passed one hand through his hair and bolted into the library. He felt his heart race as he collected Remus' things and lifted his bag up onto his shoulder. His eyes moved around to each face in Remus' study group. None of them were Alice.
With a huge smirk on his lips, Sirius held his head high and walked back out of the library. He threw his arm around Remus' waist and handed the boy his bag. “Remind me to thank James later, will you?”
“Okay,” Remus answered. “Why are you thanking him exactly?”
“I just wanna tell him that he's a dirty, sneaking little liar and I owe him everything for it.” Sirius dropped his arm and laced his fingers with Remus'.
“That doesn't make a bit of sense, Padfoot.” Remus gave a quiet laugh and squeezed the other boy's hand.
Sirius stopped and pulled Remus back into his arms. He put his hand on the side of the boy's neck and brought him towards him for another kiss. “It makes sense to me,” he whispered against Remus' mouth.
“You know, we can't go back now.” Remus stared down into Sirius' eyes and smiled.
Sirius stared back up and gave a playful wink. “I wouldn't want to.”
A Note From the Author: Thank you so much for reading! That's the end of this short little diddy. I would love to hear what you thought about it all! :D –Jenna
“Can't go back now.” – Jordin Sparks