Chapter 8 : You Know I Never Wanna Hurt You
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You Know I Never Wanna Hurt You
Sirius quietly pushed open the door to his room and peeked inside. He knew that Remus had come up and wasn't sure if the boy was resting or not. A relieved smile crossed his face as he spotted the other boy sitting in the middle of his bed, cross legged, his Transfigurations text book open in his lap. Sirius bounded across the room and climbed up onto the bed, sitting mirror imaged in front of Remus. When the other boy made no indication of having seen anyone join him, Sirius waited.
After about fifteen minutes of watching Remus read in silence, Sirius finally spoke. “Moony?”
Remus calmly marked his page and slid the book off of his lap. “I was wondering how long you were going to sit there like that.”
“Why didn't you say anything?” Sirius asked with a laugh. When Remus merely shrugged, Sirius continued. “Why are you up here?”
“Too noisy downstairs.”
“Are you sure that it doesn't have anything to do with Alice and William?”
Remus rolled his eyes and snorted. “I'm sure.”
“Alright.” Sirius stared down at his hands; the room returned to silence. When Remus reached for his book, Sirius slapped the boy's hand away form it. “Don't pick it up...just wait. I need to talk to you.”
“Then talk,” Remus said, confused as to the other boy's awkwardness.
“I wanna talk about what happened with Alice.”
“I'd rather not,” Remus scoffed. “You never liked her anyways, so don't sit there and try to tell me that you're sorry she ditched me.”
“I wasn't going to.” Sirius stared down at his fingernails and cleaned the dirt from under them. “I was going to tell you that...I'm sorry I was a total jerk when you were together. I know it had a lot to do with what happened.”
“You're forgiven, and no, it was me. My problems drove her off, not you.”
“Well...I also wanted to tell you why I was such a jerk.” Sirius scooted to the end of the bed and let his feet hang off the edge. He stared down at the carpet, not continuing.
Remus raised his eyebrows and smirked. “Go on, then.”
Sirius nodded and forced a cough into his hand. “Well, James has this theory. At first, I thought he was kinda putting me on and being a goof, buy then I really started thinking about it....” He took a deep breath and turned to face Remus. “I started thinking that maybe it makes a lot of sense. A whole lot of sense, actually and um...well now...I'm pretty certain he was right.” He stared at Remus, waiting for a response.
Remus stared back at Sirius, unblinking. He took slow breaths, waiting for more clarification. After a very long, and very tense silence, he finally spoke up. “Sirius, you have to tell me James' theory if you want any sort of reaction from me.”
Sirius' eyes widened and he grinned sheepishly. “Yeah,” he laughed. “I guess that would help.” He looked back down at his hands.
Another long silence had Remus on edge. He scooted to the edge of the bed next to Sirius and shoved the boy's shoulder. “Sirius, the theory. Would you get on with it, already?”
“Okay, okay. So...I'm fairly sure that the reason I hated Alice so much was because....” He took a long, slow breath and looked up at Remus. “It's because when I saw her with you...it made me jealous.” He looked back to the floor and bit his bottom lip.
“Why?” Remus whispered.
“I have these feelings,” Sirius started. “They aren't...they aren't feelings that I'm used to. I think that I'm...well I mean, when I see you...I want-I want to be....” He let out a frustrated growl and grabbed at his hair. “Just forget it!” he cried out as he jumped to his feet and started for the door.
Remus sprang to his feet and caught Sirius by the arm. He spun the boy around to face him and looked down hard into his grey eyes. “Damn it, Sirius, I've waited three years to hear you say something like that, you can't just leave it hanging. Please finish.”
Sirius swallowed hard and stared up into Remus' eyes. He reached up and laid his hand on the boy's cheek and leaned forward. Remus let out a small whine and took a step back from Sirius' reach.
“What are you doing?” Sirius asked, advancing on the other boy.
“Protecting myself,” Remus answered as he stepped back again.
“Protecting yourself from what?”
“From you,” Remus whispered, giving the other boy a troubled look.
“Remus, you confusing prat!” Sirius called out, slapping his hands against his legs. “You just said that you've waited three years for me to tell you how I feel and now...now you're running away form me!” He took another step and grabbed onto Remus' arm to keep the boy in place.
“You didn't though,” Remus argued. “You didn't tell me how you feel. Sirius...are you in love with me?”
“I just tried to kiss you, didn't I?” Sirius retorted with an exasperated tone.
“You've kissed a lot of people,” Remus argued as he pulled free from Sirius' hand. He moved back to his own bed and dropped down onto the edge of it. “How do you feel about me?”
“I can't answer that right now!” Sirius cried out. “My head is spinning like mad here and I'm so confused I can barely think straight.”
“I can wait,” Remus whispered as he twisted his hands in front of him.
“You can wait?” Sirius growled. “Wait for what exactly?”
“I can wait for you to not be confused. I've waited this long and I can wait until you know for sure. I can wait until you have an answer.” Remus scooted back into his spot on the bed and pulled his book back up onto his lap, seeking out the distraction.
“So that's it?” Sirius scoffed, his face twisted in annoyance.
“It's all or nothing for you? It has to be love...or nothing?”
“I wouldn't call what we have now nothing, but if that's how you wanna see it, then yes. It's love or nothing.” Remus cracked open his book and kept his eyes focused down, fearing he'd be too weak to hold to his conviction if he looked at the other boy.
Sirius walked over and knocked the book from Remus' lap. “You...you...stubborn werewolf!” he growled before turning on his heel and storming out of the room. Remus flinched at the slamming door.
That night, Sirius lay flat on his bed, starting up at the crimson curtains which hung over the posters. He'd force his eyes closed, trying to make sleep come. No amount of counting sheep could guide his troubled mind into a peaceful slumber.
“Sirius,” came Remus' whisper.
Sirius jumped out of bed and rushed over to Remus' side before he realized that the boy was awake and he hadn't been hearing a nightmare cry.
“That was really fast,” Remus whispered with a grin on his face as he looked up at the other boy from his pillow.
Sirius smiled and lowered himself onto the edge of Remus' bed. The fact that he was angry with the other boy hit him fast and he jumped back to his feet with a scowl on his face. “What do you want? I was sleeping.”
“No you weren't,” Remus said casually as he sat up and leaned back against the headboard.
“You don't know that,” Sirius snapped.
“You don't sleep on your back. You never have. I do know that.” Remus patted the bed in front of him and looked up at Sirius with hopeful eyes. “Can we talk a minute?” When the other boy consented to join him on the bed, Remus began. “I can't sleep when you're made at me.”
“I'm not mad at you,” Sirius whispered, twisting his hands in his lap. “Well, I am, but not for the reason you think. I guess...I guess that I'm mad at myself. I just don't understand.” He reached out and took Remus' hand into his own and locked his eyes with the other boy's.
Remus slipped his hand away and gave Sirius a pained smile. “I know that you don't. Sirius, you're one of my best mates and I don't wanna risk losing you. I would rather just be your friend...and go on having unrequited feelings for you, than lose you all together.”
“You wouldn't lose me, though,” Sirius insisted. He got onto his knees and scooted as close to Remus as he could get. “It wouldn't be like that. Not now that I know how you feel. Not now that I know how I feel.”
“How do you feel?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.
Sirius tightened his jaw and stared down at his hands. “Okay, so I don't know exactly how I feel, but...I know that I don't just wanna be friends with you.”
“That's how I've felt for a long time,” Remus whispered as he twisted his fingers into the hem of his night shirt.
“Then show me how you feel,” Sirius begged as he leaned forward and touched Remus' cheek.
Remus reached out and pushed his hands against Sirius' chest, shoving the boy into the floor.
Sirius groaned loudly and rubbed at his hip when he hit the floor. He stared up at Remus and narrowed his eyes. “Jerk,” he growled as he climbed back onto the bed and sat on the edge. “I tell you to show me how you feel and you shove me in the floor?”
James rolled over and let out a heavy snore, reminding the boys that they should be whispering.
“I'm sorry,” Remus whispered. “I shouldn't have pushed you, but I already told you that there isn't a halfway here. I can't settle for a maybe.”
“You're being really unfair right now,” Sirius pouted as he looked away from the boy.
“Unfair? I'm being unfair?” Remus scoffed loudly and shook his head. “Why don't you spend three years getting mixed signals from your mate and then you can tell me who's being unfair.” He folded his arms over his chest and stared at the bed.
“Mixed signals? I've never give you mixed signals,” Sirius hissed.
Remus looked up and stared at the other boy in shock. “You're kidding, right?” When Sirius showed no signs of jest, Remus growled. “Fine, I'll remind you then. How about the way you're always touching my hair or putting your arm around me.” He dragged one hand back through his hair and frowned. “Or the way that you tell me about your dates and wink at me. You're always so....” He couldn't even bring himself to finish.
“That's just the way I am,” Sirius whispered. He closed his eyes and ducked his head.
“That isn't the way you are with James. When was the last time that you put your arm around him, huh? When was the last time you put your hands in Peter's hair?”
“Okay, I get it.” Sirius scooted further onto the bed. “That should show you then, even before I knew it, I had feelings for you. You know that I'm no good at this emotional stuff.”
“Yeah, I know you aren't. But I can't do half way. I won't give up what we have unless it's real.”
“Moony, what do you want from me?”
“Say that you love me.”
“I can't.” Sirius shook his head and rubbed at his eyes. He got to his feet and turned towards Remus. “I'm sorry.” He started towards his bed and took a seat on the edge of it. “Do you?” he asked, quietly. “Do you love me?”
Remus settled back onto his pillow and looked across at Sirius. “Yeah, I do.”
“Good night, Moony,” Sirius whispered as he laid down on his pillow and closed his eyes.
“Good night, Padfoot.”
A Note From the Author: Thank you so much for reading! One chapter to go. :D --Jenna
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