Chapter 1 : I. Who
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Mercy Mercedes; "The Perfect Scene"
The song that has inspired me write this embarassing story.
I, James Potter, am irrevocably in love with Lily Evans.
Here I am, in the middle of breakfast, and I’m yet again reminded of how much of a gem she really is. The apple she’s eating at this moment makes her look like a beautiful bird, pecking away at it’s food. I inwardly sigh, and rest my head in my hand, my arm propped up next to my pancakes. Alas, the leading woman of my dreams is right down the table from me and I cannot look away. How deep in love I am. My little bird. My little bird pecking at her breakfast.
“You’re staring again, Prongs,” Remus sing-songs in his stupid parental voice, as if he’s reminding me of what I’m doing in mockery.
I narrow my eyes in his direction. “You’re just a hater,” I tell him. He’s throwing off my morning groove.
Sirius shakes his head. “Honestly, you could at least pretend staring at her isn’t all you do. I’m beginning to think these are premature signs of my best friend turning into a stalker.”
“Staring is not the same as stalking!” I defend. Must everyone be against me?
“That’s what they all say,” Peter mumbles, before throwing me a crooked smile.
I look back at Lily Evans, the future mother of all forty eight of my children. I swear, her eyes get more and more intoxicating every single day. I think it should be a crime to be that glorious. “That’s how it starts,” Sirius Black’s voice interrupts my mental gaze and my mind comes crashing back to earth. I look at him, clearly annoyed.
“What are you talking about?”
He grabs a muffin from off the table and shoves it in his mouth. “You know, that stalker rubbish. It always starts with ‘staring’, then comes the ‘staring while they sleep’, and next thing you know - BAM! Restraining order.”
Remus furrows his eyebrows. “You know what, he’s actually making sense.”
Are you kidding me?
“Guys,” I announce, putting my hands down in the table, “I don’t understand why you all assume that my obsession with Lily Evans is going to turn me into a stalker. We always have this discussion! Damn it, I’m getting a wee bit aggravated by the constant warnings of my stalker symptoms. Isn’t it obvious? I love her. I’m allowed to do this kind of stuff.”
Peter, Sirius, and Remus share a look with each other, all three of their faces mirroring each other’s.
“Oh, no you don’t,” I wag my finger. “Don’t throw me the Marauder look.”
The guys always give me those faces when they’re worried for my sanity.
“James, listen to me slowly,” Peter says, putting his fork down. “We know you’re in love with the girl. Everyone knows you’re in love with the girl. Well, except maybe for Lily herself. But that’s not what we’re worried about. We’re worried about you throwing yourself off the insanity bridge just lusting after her. Make a move already, before you turn into a lovesick pooch.”
“Huh,” I hiccup. “Putting all things aside, that was quite an epic speech.”
Peter blinks and nods his head in thank you. “I try,” he shrugs.
“Don’t get off topic,” Remus sing-songs again, taking a bite out of his eggs. He turns a page from his morning newspaper and continues to ignore us.
I look at Moony. “Remus, why is it that you have to act like the see-all, hear-all Buddha of the group?”
“I’m here to comment and to warn, and sometimes to restrain,” he tells me wisely.
“Peter, I can’t just go up to her and ask her to marry me. That’s not how it works.”
Peter rolls his eyes. Sirius mumbles, “No shit”, before chugging down his orange juice.
“Think rationally, please.”
“Wormtail, I can’t! For the past three months I’ve been falling for Lily Evans! And I have no idea what to do. I mean, I always thought she was pretty, you know? But ever since the beginning of term, when we got assigned to be Potions partners, I’ve been completely smitten.”
“Did you know that she chews on her quill? She chews on her quill! Do you realize how sexy that is? Well, I have. And she does it all the time, especially when we’re working together! She’s trying to show me she’s interested, er…somewhat.”
Never have I ever liked a girl so much in my day. It’s quite scary. Just imagine, a fine looking girl is assigned to be your partner for a school course. You think, okay, a bit of flirting here, maybe some snogging there, nothing more. But with her…it’s something else entirely. We became friends quickly, almost too easily. We got along nicely and after about a week of knowing her closer than I did before, I could officially say she was one of my mates. But I didn’t want her to be my mate.
I wanted her to be my wifey.
As in, get married, have a million babies.
I told my friends this, but they gave me the ‘marauder look’ like they just did now. Obviously, they didn’t realize that I had high expectations. I’m a guy that aims high, damn it. My friends just don’t get it. They’re just too rational for my liking , which is why I’ve recently been trying to abstain from saying my thoughts out loud.
“Are you sure she’s…”
“What?” I push on. “Spit it out.”
Peter sighs. “Are you sure she’s the one? You always said that when you’d fall in love for the first time it would be with the one and only. You can’t possibly find love at this age. You’re so young, Prongs. Come on now, it’s probably teenage lust. But, love? I don’t know.”
“Yeah,” butts in Padfoot. “Remember last year when I went through that Blonde Girl stage? I wasn’t exactly thinking with my brain, mate. To be honest, half the time I didn’t even need to do the thinking-”
“Hey,” I shout defensively, ignoring Padfoot. “Are you testing my love for Lily Evans, Wormtail? Because for your information, yes - I think she might just be the one. I know how I am. I know how I work.“ I tap my noggin for effect. “No girl has ever made me feel this way. I know that a feeling like this isn’t going to come along again for a while. Even if it is a teenage lust thing, it’ll grow to be love. I just know it!” I cry out.
Wow, I’m such a girl.
“Even if it grows to be love, you have to be realistic,” Sirius chirps in. “You’re going to fall in love many times in your life, anyways. Psychologists have studied that the average person dates at least six people before finding their spouse.” How Remus of him.
I scoff. “Oh, yeah, says the man that has a new girlfriend every two weeks.” I stick my tongue out. Sirius is clearly unaffected; he just shrugs.
“Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”
What is he, the gangster of love?
“I can’t approach her yet,” I state obviously. “I know how the dating thing works. Usually, If I haven’t had the guts to ask her out I’d have moved on by now, but this is a whole new ball game. I don’t know if she likes me back. Now that we’re actual friends, it’s so…different.”
If I didn’t approach a girl within the week of being introduced, I’d typically move on. But that was before this redheaded angel cascaded into my dreams and infiltrated certain parts of my anatomy with lust.
“Ooh,” Sirius grumbles painfully in realization. “That’s right, I forgot. You can’t approach her because you’re in ‘the friend zone’.”
“Yes! Thank you, at least someone gets my predicament,” I exhale, shaking my head. “You understand now, don’t you? I can’t go up to her. Even if I can sense her flirting with me here and there. I don’t know for sure. I can only love her from afar, unless she makes the first move. Or confesses her love for me instantly.”
“Really, now?” Remus pipes up skeptically. “I thought you’d be ‘aiming higher’, since that is your usual route.”
I think about what he says, and respond with, “But I did! See, my first hope was that she’d come up to me to announce that she was pregnant with my child. So I lowered that hope down to her confessing her love for me magically, considering you need to have sex first to create a child. I forgot about that part. Unless she was artificially inseminated, in which, actually… you know what, that COULD be arranged- !”
“Stay on task!” Sirius practically bellows. What an impatient human being.
“Well, I realized her confessing her love for me was more rational. I had to think like you, Moony, and filter out the irrationality of my thoughts before I spoke.”
“Ah, I see you’ve been catching on.” Peter and Remus lock eyes. Peter’s hiding back a smirk.
“Nice to know you’ve hopped the rational train of thought,” Sirius jokes, adding on the fun.
And when I say fun, I mean me being beaten with insults.
“I say screw the ‘friend zone’ rules and just go for it. And give your mates here a rest with this. I can’t even talk to you during meals anymore because your face is never in the right direction,” Peter complains.
“Don’t be a sour grape, Peter. My time will come…I just don’t know when.”
I look at Lily Evans again. Merlin, her hair defies gravity. It’s a force that’s unlike nature. And her eyes, her eyes are like emeralds shining in the -
“You’re doing it again!”
“Hush, man.” I bring up my hand, preparing to backhand Peter Pettigrew.
Sirius and Remus watch as we argue.
“Go over there and talk to her.”
“I cannot make a move right now! We’re in a delicate stage in our friendship.”
“You’re mum’s rubbish!”
“It’s been months. I’m sure she wouldn’t find it a big deal to find you wanting to talk to her during breakfast. Just go over there and start a conversation. Then casually bring up Hogsmeade.”
“But…but, what if I ruin our friendship by asking her out on a date!?”
“Merlin, you’re such a chick,” Sirius comments, silencing Peter and I. “Since when have you been so timid on asking a girl out? Make a damn move, you pansy. It’s getting embarrassing. And you’re ruining my mojo.”
I ignore him and turn back to Wormtail.
“Well?” I snap, folding my arms as I wait for him to talk. “What happens then?”
“If she looks freaked out, or worried…I don’t know, just say you’ll go as friends? Or no, just tell her that we’ll be with you too. It’ll take a load off her shoulders if she knows she’ll be surrounded by you AND your friends. That way, there’s no pressure.” Peter then squints as he watches me digest this idea. “Wait a minute, why am I the one helping you with this? You’re like, the dating king, so why are you freaking out over Evans? No, here’s a better question - why am I nursing you through this?”
“Because she’s my future wife,” I clarify.
“Or maybe you’re just losing your mojo,” Remus pipes up, turning another page of his newspaper.
“I’m losing my mojo because Prongs is losing his mojo, Remus. It makes sense now!” Sirius tells Moony. “We’re like an equation with no zero on either side. We are unfinished. Our brotherhood is a link of chains. One shan’t not lose his mojo, tis does break a link in the chain. And if one link shall be broken, shan’t be no more chain of brotherhood. Hence, no more mojo.”
Did you understand that?
Why am I friends with him.
“Lily Evans isn’t making me lose my mojo… I just, well, I - I don’t know! I just can’t use it against her. Or to her. Or for her. It doesn’t feel right, it just doesn’t work that way with her.” I can’t use my moves, I just can’t.
“Yep,” Sirius agrees. “He’s lost his mojo.”
“All because of this girl. Can you believe that?” Peter scoffs, looking at Sirius.
I give my shitty friends a once over. These arses are always opposing me! “Excuse me,” I cut off. “But what side are you guys actually on?”
“The side that says you’ve lost your mojo,” Sirius says in monotone. My face becomes flat within seconds.
“Okay, so what? My mojo with the ladies is slipping a little bit-”
“Hah,” Peter says all too subtly.
“-but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it’s a sign telling me that I can’t throw my moves at her because I love her too much. What we have is R-E-A-L,” I snap my fingers in Z formation. “And I don’t care what you haters have to say.”
“You’re not even dating her,” Sirius snaps back with his own Z formation. More like L formation, because he’s doing it all wrong. Everyone knows you finger snap for each syllable.
“Well, hold on now, guys,” Remus says to us, putting down his paper. “Maybe we should think about this a little bit more. I mean, James has lost his mojo. He hasn’t dated anyone since the he’s been partnered with her…maybe she’s the only girl that he can’t use his moves on because he might have too much affection for her. And respect.”
Sirius waves off what he says. “Meh, it’s a little crush.”
“It is not!” I huff.
“You might be wrong, Padfoot. Technically, if it was just a little crush, he’d have snogged her and gotten over her already. But James has never gone through this. He never loses his groove with the ladies. He’s always confident, cocky even. He’s comfortable with females. He always has been. And for the first time, he feels nervous around a girl. Maybe we should give him a chance,” Remus reasons. I put my arm around the boy.
“Have I told you lately that I love you?” I serenade with a smile.
“Leave that for Lily,” he shrugs me off with a laugh.
Dear old Moony. Of course I could count on him to shed some light on my situation. And hey, I might not know what’s going on with me, but Remus sure knows. If anyone’s going to analyze me, it’s gonna be Remus Lupin. He’s like my personal psychologist.
“Okay, fine. Say what James has for Lily is real - we’re still stuck in a rut.”
Remus and I ask Peter in unison, “And that is?”
He raises his eyebrows as if it’s obvious. “Hello!” He throws his hands in the air. “You won’t make the first move!”
“Prongs is in the friend zone,” Sirius reminds us.
“That’s crap,” he replies. “Stuff like that doesn’t count when one is head over heels in love, and their friendship is new and fresh. That only works when you grow an infatuation for someone after years of knowing them.”
Oh. “Phew.” I wipe fake sweat off my forehead and say, “Well that’s a relief! I got a couple more years, then.”
Peter starts glaring.
I put my hands up in defense. “Kidding.”
“Then go up there and ask her out.”
I pout. “Not today.”
“Argh!” he bursts out in frustration. “Grow some balls, will ya?”
“I find your language quite offensive!”
“Now, don’t go talking about his bits, you know how sensitive he is about his manhood,” Remus warns.
“I didn’t know that my obsession with a certain redhead was creating this much of a ruckus in our group!”
“Well, it is. She’s all you think about, all you look at. During our Quidditch match the other day, you almost got hit with a bludger because you were too busy staring at her in the stands. Now that’s just not safe, mate.”
“It’s down right unhealthy,” Sirius says. “Peter’s right. Screw the ‘friend zone’. Strap on your belt of courage and go talk to her before you cost us another match.”
Oh, now there’s a problem. Throw in Quidditch, and all of a sudden I’m nothing to them but an obstacle stopping them from winning a game. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a complete Quidditch nut, but I can’t understand their reasoning sometimes. We’re all for the idea of me making a fool out of myself in front of the love of my life, as long as it doesn’t cost us a win in the next game, right? That’s just mean.
“You guys are cruel. Can’t you see I’m not ready? I’m like a prune before it, uh, gets packaged and sent to grocery stores. Do not BOX ME!”
I try not to look Sirius in the face, as he’s doing a face-in-box motion with his hands just to mock me. Reminds me of Madonna in her Vogue days.
“I wasn’t planning on asking her out any time soon, at least let me prep. Tomorrow?” I offer. “So I can get myself together for this.”
The three boys in my vision are quiet for a moment as they think things through. Uh, oh, I just saw a glint in Padfoot’s eye. Not good. They begin to rise from their seats and go into a sort of huddle above the table. I take a bite out of my waffle cautiously as I look up at my friends. This looks weird. Three guys in a huddle, arms around each other’s shoulders, while I’m sitting at the table like a three year old waiting for his parents to assign him punishment. Not to mention I’m munching on a waffle slowly. I’m practically pubescent.
Remus releases a long breath and Sirius claps his hands. Peter looks me in the eyes and says, “We’ve decided to help you out with this.”
His words echo off the walls. It takes me a second, and a couple more seconds to repeat the words he’s said to me in my head, before I get what Peter’s told me.
“Oh my God.”
Do you know what that means?!
“Wait, don’t freak out-”
“NO! No way, no! Peter, you can’t be serious.”
When the Marauders are called to form together into a manly huddle, and proceed to come out of it saying they’re going to ‘help’, it means one thing: A Master Plan is involved.
“Now hold on a second-”
“Peter, no! We can’t bring on the mischievous wrong doings of the Marauders in this. I’m not creating this into a mission. Our friendship is like a budding rose. All it needs is a Marauder Master Plan to go wrong and destroy it,” I spit out hastily. “Our Master Plans should be reserved for legitimate mischievousness and wrongdoing.”
I can’t put this on the line! One slip up in the plan, no matter what that plan may be….And Lily could end up hating me. Or worse, loathe the ground I walk on. I’d much rather just love her from afar instead of bringing my friends into this.
“We won’t mess up,” Sirius assures me, sitting back down across from me.
“Do we ever mess up?” Peter says cockily, in my direction.
I breathe out my nose. “Noooo, BUT-”
“Trust us, okay? At least hear us out first,” Remus tells me.
This is blasphemy!
“What happened to just pressuring me to ask her out? Isn’t that just simpler than creating some plan to…hell, I don’t even know what the plan is for. To see if she likes me back or something?”
“Something like that, yeah.” Sirius looks down the table at my redheaded fair-maiden. And for a second a surge of jealousy runs through me and I kind of want to punch my best friend in the face.
“Oh, really? And how do you plan on finding that out, Padfoot?”
“Let’s explain the plan first,” Sirius smiles mischievously. He only smiles like that when he’s really proud of himself. The bastard, what has he concocted? He turns to Remus and Peter. “Guys,” he invites them to explain, with open arms. “Propose the idea.”
“Sirius mentioned to just skip the whole dating thing, since it’s currently freaking you out. Peter mentioned a slightly illegal maneuver we could…particularly dominate. It was just an idea, but Sirius kind of took it out of hand. As in, he took it literally. He suggested throwing honesty out the window of the plan, basically, but we never have honesty as an element in our schemes anyways,” Remus explains, in a fast-paced manner. He claps his hands. “So let’s get down to it. Peter?”
He jumps right in, and I feel like I’m being ambushed. “The original plan was just an idea I mentioned, that Sirius took and kind of masterminded. So he’s kind of genius. But it is very deceiving and is a complete violation of privacy. Especially Lily’s.”
“No, you MAY NOT film her naked!” I bark, raising my orange juice, ready to pour it on his head.
“You’re an idiot!” Remus lunges, standing up. He exhales and calms down. “Just let him finish, please.”
I mimic him like a toddler and he gives me a blank stare, sitting down again. Remus is so annoying.
“As I was saying,” Peter continues, “Sirius kinda twisted it around to…this: to steal the diary Lily Evans is always writing in. As in the one she writes in at night, in front of the fireplace in the common room. We all see her write in it. She won’t say what it is, but we all KNOW what it is.”
“The plan is to take it, just for a moment,” Sirius proposes, beaming at his genius-ness, “And then skim it to see if she’s written anything about you. It’s a foolproof method! Every girl mentions who she fancies in her journal. This is the only way to, er, abstractly find out if she likes you, yeah?”
“Thing is, Remus knows from a friend, of one of Lily’s friends, that she’s having a slumber party with her friends in the girls’ dormitory. There’s only like, what, ten girls in her year? Half of them are going to be downstairs, studying for the big Potions assignment coming up.”
“And do you know what that leads us to?” Peter asks me.
I’m literally holding my tongue in my hand. After I toss it over my shoulder, I can’t decide whether I want to slap Sirius and Peter and Remus in the back of the head, or cuddle with them because of their ability to be awesomely conniving. “No, what does it lead to!?” I ask, excited.
“This leads us to about three girls, plus Lily Evans, sharing a dormitory for a slumber party. All Seventh Year girls. In pajamas,” Peter concludes.
I love this visual, I gotta say.
“But…” Sirius trails off.
“But?” I question, confused.
“But,” Remus says strongly, putting up a finger. “It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.”
“It’s girls in no bras and slinky pajamas,” I respond monotonously. “How is that not enough?”
“Think, where’s the diary going to be?” Remus asks to no one in particular.
“Not downstairs in front of the fireplace,” Peter points out like my mother, in a light and airy voice.
“And most definitely not within our reachable grasp.” My head whips to Sirius and he continues. “Which leads to conflict.”
“Ah, the conflict, also known as the brick wall,” Remus tells me. “There’s one in almost every single Master Plan in history.”
“Like?” I question.
“Like…All of the them!” Wormtail boasts. “Every heist, every burglary, every plan mastered by the geniuses of thievery have had some kind of conflict in which they eventually encountered, and dominated with skill. Hello! Look at Bonnie and Clyde, Charlie’s Angels, those girls from St. Trinian's School, hell- Danny Ocean!”
Why is he so insulted?
“Peter, I know what you mean. And I understand. I’m just wondering, what’s our conflict besides the diary not being within our reach?”
Remus throws me an expression as if he’s calling me a nimrod out loud. Awesome.
“Don’t be a moron, Prongs,” says Sirius, biting into a big chunk of cornbread.
“Um,” I scoff. “I’m really not at all cozy with the love you’ve been giving me lately, Padfoot. Lower down your inner caddy, mkay?”
“Ignore him,” Remus puts a hand up to me, getting my attention back. “Look, if the diary isn’t going to be downstairs, then it’s going to be nowhere but strapped to Lily’s side the whole night. And now, we’ve reached our plan’s conflict. Understand? Case and point, we need to get the diary. Which means invading the slumber party.”
Dear Merlin! I can’t keep up with my friends. How did they come up with such a complex plan in 30 seconds? No fair, they all have ESP and I don’t!
“You’re mad. How can we be unseen in the girls’ dormitory? I don’t know about this…” I trail off, easily getting worried. This has ‘disaster’ written all over it. “I’m all about breaking into women’s rooms and looking in their knicker drawers, but there are going to be witnesses. It’s not like the dormitory’s gonna be vacated, you do realize that, right? We can’t just go in when the girls are in there. Lily would never let me near her, let alone get CLOSE to her diary. She’d think I was a creep for intruding in the first place!” I reason.
I take a good look at Remus who has his lips pursed in thought. Peter’s scratching his head, looking slightly worried but not nervous. Sirius, on the other hand, is just staring blankly back at me.
I close my eyes and regain my thoughts. “You guys could make me look bad if it goes wrong, so please think of me.”
I genuinely feel as if I’m in love with Lily Evans. She’s my baby mama. And I will prevent her from seeing me in any kind of negative light, even if it means destroying stupid plans my mates and I scheme. Brotherhood bonding can be done via other methods; like lumberjacking or getting tattoos together.
“We won’t mess up, James.”
I can tell that Remus means it.
“I know you guys are tired of me talking about her and lusting after her, but this is my dream girl. And-”
Peter nudges my shoulder, silencing me. “We’re doing this for you, mate. You deserve to know if this is a lost cause, or if she’s worth the while. Think of this as a group effort.”
I sigh, a nice long exhale of breath relieving away my worrisome stress. “Okay,” I agree. “Let’s do this.”
Why not, right?
“That’s my boy!” Sirius grins, food falling out of his mouth. “Here, here!” He raises his spoon and whatever concoction of food it once occupied falls on the floor.
I can’t help it - I smile like an idiot and give Sirius a manly noogie. He’s like a puppy, he is.
Author's Note: Hello, this is what happens when a not so average teenager has nothing to do on a friday night but write about stupid sleepovers and girls' diaries and hilarious boys... And not have any friends to share it with. Hence, fan fiction lol.
I love you. Please review and tell me how weird I am :]
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