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No Croak For Umbridge by verbal87
Chapter 1 : Chapter 1
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 4

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Wow, two new one-shots in less than a week, I must be on a roll. Anyway, usual disclaimer applies, I am not JK Rowling. For a start, i'm sure I look nowhere near as good in a skirt! Anyway, this for Sophie, hope you enjoy it me dear!!

The two men sat around the dusty table, each nursing a glass of Firewhisky, a hat from a cracker placed jauntily on the head of one. “So you and our Dora then eh Remus”? Sirius remarked slyly, the ghost of a smirk upon his now weathered features.


“Don’t you bloody start as well” groaned Remus, in exasperation at his oldest friend. “I’ve had Molly Weasley going on at me for the last week, convinced there’s something going on between the two of us, how many times do I need to tell you people?’


“Don’t come the injured party with me Moony” laughed Sirius. “You know bloody well you like her; I’ve known you far too long to tell when you’re bullshitting, you act exactly the same way you always did about Marlene.”


“Yeah, and we know just how that turned out don’t we, murdered by Death Eaters and left for me and Benjy to find” sighed Remus. “I couldn’t go through that again”.


“Aah, so you do like her then” grinned Sirius triumphantly. “I bloody knew it; that’s 10 galleons Kingsley owes me now”.


“Little bastard” remarked Remus, smirking despite himself. “All right then, I do like her but that’s beside the point. We both know nothing can ever happen, she deserves someone much better and richer than me”.


“Fuck that” exclaimed Sirius, downing his Firewhisky as he did so before pouring himself out another healthy measure. “You’re healthy, and don’t give me that look, the furry little problem doesn’t count, and you’re a good man Remus, there’s no-one I’d rather my baby cousin end up with”.


“That’s as maybe but how am I meant to support her; we both know that there’s no way I could ever get a job with Umbridge in the Ministry; the nasty cow’s made it almost impossible for me” Remus replied.


“Yeah, I’ve heard. She needs bringing down a peg or two in my opinion. I wish I could do something about it but unfortunately, this little situation I find myself in means I can’t get out much” Sirius sighed bitterly.


Reaching for the bottle to pour himself another measure, Remus was suddenly shocked by the appearance of two red-heads at either side of him, both clapping a hand on his shoulder. “What the bloody hell are you two playing at?” he exclaimed. “That’s a good bottle of Firewhisky you nearly made me spill there”.


“Well…” Fred began, a smirk on his face


“We were listening in to your conversation” continued George


“And by the way, that’s 10 galleons apiece Kingsley owes us as well” Fred remarked, throwing a wink at a shocked Remus and amused Sirius.


“And anyway”


“we decided”


“that we’d give you a bit of help with your problem” they finished in unison.


“What the hell do you mean?” asked Remus


“Well” Fred began. “We’ve decided, and Mum does not have a clue before you say anything, that school really holds very little use for us anymore, and we’ve been thinking we’d really like to go out with a bang”


“And what better target than our esteemed Defence against the Dark Arts teacher?” finished George. “Anyway, the toad-faced bitch needs something doing to her anyway”.


“Couldn’t agree more lads” replied Sirius, a full-blown grin now overtaking his features as he understood the two twin’s intention. “Come on Moony. I’m thinking it’s time for the Marauders to ride again one last time” and making room for the two red-headed boys, the four began to make their plans, the bottle of Firewhisky becoming very quickly drained….


Perched daintily upon her chair, Professor Umbridge paused from pouring herself a cup of tea to straighten out one of her lace doilies, tutting as she did so before continuing to pour.


Just as she brought the steaming cup to her lips, her peace and quiet was interrupted by a loud hammering at the door. Groaning, she placed her cup gently down on her desk before trotting slowly to the door. Wrenching it open, she saw two men stood in her doorway, one with sandy brown hair and one with dark brown hair, both grinning down at her.


“Ahem” began Umbridge, an unpleasant look upon her face at the unwanted disruption. “What can I be doing for you? My work as High Inquisitor keeps me very busy you know, I don’t have time to be chatting to the riff-raff you know”.


“Well it’s like this you see” began one. “My colleague and I are from the Ministry, acting on behalf of your legislation on half-breeds”.


“Oh yes” answered Umbridge interestedly, now simpering at the two men. “Can I offer you a cup of tea, is there anything I can help you with?”


“Well”, remarked the dark-haired companion. “We’ve received some intelligence that there might be an unregistered half-breed operating in the castle, so we’ve come to investigate”.


“Aaah, the centaur” exclaimed Umbridge, a cold smile spreading across her face, and if anything making her features even more ugly. “It’s about time the Ministry saw sense about this, I’ve been telling them for a long time about the centaurs”.


“I assume you mean the centaur Firenze who is currently employed by Hogwarts?” enquired the sandy-haired gentleman, to which Umbridge vigorously nodded. “Yes, that’s the one. We can’t have his kind here, trotting around the castle filling the children’s heads with Merlin knows what”.


“Well actually our visit has nothing to do with the centaurs” continued the dark-haired man, consulting his notes. “First of all, we must confirm, are you Delores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister?”


“Yes, I am” replied Umbridge proudly, puffing out her chest importantly as she did so. “What does that have to do with anything though?”


“Well” they spoke in unison, a small smirk overtaking the face of the sandy-haired man for a minute before relaxing into its previously serious expression. “We have been informed that there is a half-toad, half-human running around the castle, and frankly, all the evidence points squarely to you”.


“What?” squawked Umbridge indignantly as the two men made their way into her office. “You can’t say those kind of things to me. I don’t know who you gentlemen are but I’ll have your badges for this, you’ll never work again. I’m descended from a long line of pureblood wizards you know, the Selwyns, the Rosiers”.


“Aaah, but the Selwyn’s were long noted for their, how can I put it delicately, bizarre breeding practices” remarked the blonde man. “In fact, that further strengthens the evidence against you unfortunately, Merlin knows what other creatures you could be descended from. I’m sorry, but we’re going to have to take you into custody. Such a case is unique, we’ll be doing lots of tests on you, you know”.


“Tests”, exclaimed Umbridge. “What do you mean tests?”


“Well first of all, we’d love to know how such a thing is possible in the first place. Freaks like you aren’t born everyday you know” replied the brown-haired man, his hazel eyes twinkling with amusement.


“Oh I’ve heard enough of this right now” exclaimed Umbridge, producing her wand. Aiming it at the dark-haired wizard, she uttered “Stupefy”.


Waving his wand lazily, the blond shouted “Protego” and the shield expanded and filled the small office, rebounding the Stunning spell back at a shocked Delores Umbridge who was hit squarely in the face, toppling back to hit the ground with a resounding crash.


Moving quickly over to the now prone body, the blond-haired man pulled out a small hand-held mirror, before muttering into it “Oi, Sirius”


The man’s reflection remained for a few seconds, before flickering out and being replaced by the grinning visage of Sirius Black. “Hey up lads” he laughed. “Things going alright are they?”


“They were until the silly bitch tried to attack us” answered the blond, listening intently for any movement in the corridor outside as he spoke. “We’re still alright though, the daft cow knocked herself out”.

“Oi, shut up Fred” the dark-haired man called over as he tried to lift the prone body with little success. “Give us a hand with this, I dunno what she’s been eating but she weighs a bloody tonne”


“Well she is full of bullshit after all” remarked Sirius. “Where’s Remus anyway?”


“Change of plan” the man now revealed as George answered as he and Fred dragged Umbridge to her feet before throwing her unceremoniously into her chair. “We thought it’d be best, all things considering if he wasn’t seen to be involved so he’s hanging around outside making sure we don’t get spotted. What the bloody hell are we gonna do with this anyway?” he asked, gesturing over at a now drooling Umbridge and shuddering.


“There must be a few abandoned dungeons you can stick her in surely?” asked Sirius, a evil smirk on his face. “Out of the way and quiet, I’m sure there’s all sorts of things you could threaten her with in there”.


The twins grinned at each other “Sounds good to me Fred”, George replied, throwing on of Umbridge’s arms over his shoulder, Fred doing the same before the two of them made their way to the door, dragging the body of Umbridge unceremoniously behind them. Upon reaching the door, Fred glanced outside to ensure no-one was about and gave a short, sharp whisper. “Remus, where are you; get in here, we need to shift Umbridge down to the dungeons somehow”.


There was a slight rustling sound to the side of them and Fred felt himself pushed back into the room. Shutting the door behind him, Remus tapped his head and became visible to the twins again. “What is it?” he whispered urgently. “We know I can’t be seen here, what are you doing?”


“Like we said”

“We need to get this down to the dungeons somehow” the twins finished. “Got any ideas how we can shift her?”


Remus thought for a minute “Is there still that passageway behind the painting of Emeric the Elder juggling goblin heads on this floor? That used to go straight down to the dungeons unless it’s been blocked off?”


Fred and George grinned and turned to high-five each other, letting the unconscious Professor Umbridge fall to the ground with a sickening thud, her nose breaking from the impact.


“Whoops” they exclaimed in unison, dragging her back to her feet.


Remus rolled his eyes, and pulling out his wand, muttered “Episkey”, healing Umbridge’s nose before the three of them simultaneously tapped themselves on the head, Disillusioning themselves before Remus did the same to Umbridge.


Her body sprawled between the twins; Umbridge was led out of her office, and dragged into the nearby passageway, followed closely by Remus. As they entered the passageway again, Sirius’s face materialised in the mirror that was currently clutched in the hands of George. “How’s it going then boys, any luck so far shifting her?”


“Give me that” groaned Remus, and snatching the mirror out of their hands, spoke irritably into the mirror. “Sirius, what the hell are you doing?”


“Just seeing how you were all doing, that’s all” grinned Sirius, brandishing what seemed suspiciously like a bottle of Firewhisky.


“Good lord man, you’re a nutter” Remus whispered fiercely, shaking his head in annoyance. “Have you forgotten you’re the most wanted man in Britain or not, what would you have done if she’d been awake?”


“Meh, you could have Obliviated her or something”, Sirius replied, gesturing expansively, a pout beginning to form on his face. “I just want to be involved that’s all”.


“Bloody hell, are you a child or something? Do you remember what James did to you with that wooden staff; well that’s what’ll be happening if you don’t shut up” Remus muttered.


Sirius’s face paled and he quickly disappeared. Looking up, Remus found himself face to face with the two smirking twins. “Trouble in paradise eh?” asked Fred, grinning to himself before being quickly silenced by Remus with a whack round the head.


“You two can shut up as well” Remus exclaimed. “I honestly don’t know why I have to put up with all these stupid schemes; I’m nearly 35 for God’s sake!!” and shaking his head, marched on ahead leaving the twins in his wake.


Shrugging at each other, Fred and George smirked before dashing off after Remus. “So then Remus” Fred asked


“Any chance of a few tips” George continued


“You know, seeing as we’ve got you here” they finished, looking expectantly at their exasperated former professor.


“No… just for Merlin’s sake, no” replied Remus groaning. “I’m not giving you any ideas, any schemes, any props, anything, I just want this over and done with and to go back home and get pissed”.


“Well that’s a miserable attitude to have” remarked Fred.


“Too right Fred, I’d heard good things about these Marauder lads. Hope they aren’t going to let me down” continued George, glancing slyly at Remus as he tried to provoke a reaction.


“Aww shut up unless you want to find out more about that threat I made to Sirius eh” grumbled Remus. “I’m here with you aren’t I just so Sirius can live life vicariously and that’s enough for me. Anyway, we’re here now. Give me 10 seconds to check for people, I’ll wave you through”.


Hopping out of the portrait at the end of the passage, Remus left the twins still dragging the now dust-smeared professor face-first along the ground, After about 30 seconds, they heard a sharp rap on the portrait frame and clambered through, allowing Umbridge to fall the 2ft drop face-first behind them.


“She just can’t stay on her feet today can she?” said George, looking down at their victim with a smile on his face.


“Must be something in the water” replied Fred, himself openly laughing. “Let’s get her out of here, we’ve got this prank to finish off first”.


Dragging her back to her feet, the twins dragged her into the open door Remus had gone into seconds before, propping her up against the back wall and chaining her up. Glancing at each other, Fred asked “Shall we wake her up now then or do you want to have a bit of fun first?”


George sniggered “Well I had always wanted to have a go at cutting someone’s hair now you mention it; Mum always seems to have so much fun with ours. I just hope I don’t slip and make a mistake.”


Fred nodded earnestly “Now that would be a pity; I think you’d have to take the lot off if that happened and we certainly wouldn’t want that would we”.


“Do you want to stay Remus, or what?” called out George to the seemingly empty room.


After a few seconds, the silence was filled by the extremely grumpy disembodied voice of Remus. “Just do whatever the hell you need to do; I just hope everyone remembers that I was against all this from the start!”


“Fair enough then” George replied, producing a comb from his pocket and, waving his wand transfiguring it into a pair of gleaming scissors. With a manic grin on his face, he proceeded towards the unconscious and unsuspecting Umbridge…


10 minutes later, he stood back to admire his handiwork “So what do you think then Fred”, a hopeful look on his face.


“Looks good to me mate, I think you’ve got a talent for it if you ask me” replied Fred nodding with a thoughtful look on his face. “Anyway” he exclaimed brightly, I think it’s time to wake-up the vic… sorry I mean patient”.


Brandishing his wand, Fred intoned the counterspell “Ennervate”, before waiting as a still groggy Professor Umbridge came round.


“Where am I?” she asked, before glancing down at her feet. “Is that my hair, what have you done to me?”


Affecting serious expressions, the twins took on their earlier personas and began speaking again. “Well I’m afraid we had to take off all your hair in order to complete all the tests”.


“What tests” screeched an obviously frightened Professor Umbridge. “Do you not know who I am? The Minister will hear of this, you’ll be in Azkaban before the end of the day; I swear it”.


“Delusions of grandeur” sighed Fred, scrawling something down on a roll of parchment in his hand.


“It’s sad isn’t it” agreed George. “Must be a side-effect of this dodgy breeding. I know you’ve told us all it’s a bad thing, Undersecretary, but I’d never seen it actually in action before; I feel sorry for you”.


“Anyway” continued Fred “and don’t make me have to restrain you” he gestured at a struggling Umbridge, trying to pull away from her bindings, “I think we’d best be getting on with the experiments”


“I agree” replied George, producing a quill and parchment of his own, before turning to his twin “What do you think first then, the shock treatment or should we take a sample from her?”


“Hmm; you know I like the sound of shock treatment, don’t you? It’s probably best she not be conscious when we take the sample anyway” answered Fred, talking over the squawking protests of  Umbridge.


“What the hell do you mean, shock treatment?” demanded Umbridge, her voice noticeably shaking with fear.


“Oh, it’s nothing really” replied George breezily, twiddling his wand lazily around in his hand.


“Yeah, all we do is pass a few bolts of lightening through you just to see how your body reacts; it’s a simple procedure really” added Fred, a smile on his face as he proceeded on Umbridge menacingly.


“No no, do the sample first” shouted Umbridge desperately, squirming around in a vain attempt to escape the chains holding her.


“Well if you’re sure” said George, before his attention was diverted by the mirror going off yet again. Calling to his brother, he said “Sort that numpty out will you; he’s probably off his tits”.


“Who is that” demanded Umbridge as Fred snatched up the mirror and moved over to the other side of the dungeon to quietly remonstrate with a drunk Sirius.


“Oh, I suppose you could say he’s a bit of a mentor of ours, an advisor so to speak” answered George non-commitally as Fred could clearly be heard arguing with Sirius on the other side.

Listening in, Umbridge heard Fred reply “Look, I’m not sticking that there whatever you say. I’ve never played golf but I know you don’t do that with those stick things. Look, just shut up you and sober up. Bye” before throwing the mirror back down on the table and walking back towards his horrified and sweating teacher.


“Sorry about that” he spoke apologetically. “My friend there was just saying what a nasty, spiteful, freakish bitch you are”.


“Wha… what!” spluttered Professor Umbridge. “How dare he call me a freak, I demand his name right now”.


“Oh, we’re sorry” answered George. “We were only using your own descriptions Undersecretary, you call everyone of your situation a freak so why should it be any different in this case”?


“Look, I don’t know who’s been telling you this nonsense but I am not one of those freaks” blurted out Umbridge


“Well we’ll soon find out. If you aren’t a half-breed, I’ve never seen anyone look more like a slimy, disgusting toad than you anyway Undersecretary” remarked George, reaching into his rooms and producing a pizza cutter he had procured from his father’s shed the previous morning.


“What are you doing with that?” squealed Umbridge in a high, girlish voice.


“It’s just like we told you Professor” began Fred


“We just need a sample from you so we can prove you’re a freak” finished George, moving towards her brandishing the pizza cutter and chuckling in a maniacal way “Now, do we go for an arm or do we go for that thing you call a face?”


“No, please don’t” screamed Umbridge, sweat now pouring from her horrified face before finally fainting dead away as the two brothers burst into laughter.


“Well, she held out longer than I thought” George managed to blurt out through his laughter. “You still there Remus?”


Tapping his head again with his wand, Remus appeared before them, shaking his head almost admiringly “Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you two at all. What the hell was Sirius on about when he came on the mirror again anyway, I could have strangled the stupid git”.


“Trust me, you do not want to hear” answered Fred, grimacing. “Just make sure you avoid him when he’s drunk in future”


“Fair enough” laughed Remus. “What are we doing with that then?” he asked, gesturing at the unconscious teacher, dangling from the chains that bound her securely to the wall.


“Oh, me and George just want to make a few last alterations and then we’ll be going, isn’t that right”.


“Oh yes” answered George, an evil smile overtaking his features. Turning to Remus, he said “If you want to get off Remus, you can do. We can get away fine from here. Cheers for all your help anyway, it was brilliant learning from the masters”.


“I think you’re giving me and Sirius a lot more credit than we deserve but cheers anyway lads” said Remus, shaking each twin’s hand in turn. “I hate to say it but I did enjoy it again. Anyway, I’d best be off” he finished, and taking up his wand again, Disillusioned himself and made his way out of the classroom.


“Now then Fred” continued George


“Yes George?” Fred answered


“I think we’d best be sorting out this bitch, don’t you?” George finished, and producing his wand, both of them advanced on the unconscious figure attached to the wall grinning darkly…


Several hours later, Professor McGonagall was interrupted from her daily patrols by the hoarse sounds of a woman screaming “HELP”.


Fishing her wand from her robes, she proceeded towards the room from which the calls were emanating, and Blasting the door open, turned her attention towards the ghastly figure strung up against the back wall. Professor Umbridge was now green and slimy in complexion, and had had the word “Ribbit” daubed on her head in bright red.


“Help me”, Umbridge managed to croak out pleadingly


“Well” remarked Professor McGonagall imperiously. “I don’t know what you get up to in your private life Delores but I think I’d best be leaving you” and ignoring Umbridge’s faint protestations, strode out into the corridor where she burst out laughing.

Please review if you do read this, even if only to say you thought it was terrible. I'd love to know what people thought of my Fred and George anyway.

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