Chapter 16 : Loosing All Control
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Breathe Juliette Paxton. Just breathe. I told myself nervously as I changed into my gown.
It was March 28th 1978, my wedding day...Merlin help me.
I bit my lip and eyed myself in the mirror. I tried to the best of my ability to make myself look pretty. I put on make up, did my hair. I should look gorgeous on my wedding day. I should have all my friends fixing and fluffy my dress while all I have to do is focus on staying calm. All I had was Parker and he didn’t know shit about how girls became pretty.
He patted me on the shoulder, “How you feeling girlie?”
I breathed out slowly and nodded nervously. “You know…nervous.”
“Why are you nervous?”
“Let see.” I laughed half heartedly as I sat down. “I’m in the church minister’s office with my best friend. Who refuses to say anything but, ‘You look fine.’ Which let me tell you does the opposite of reassuring me…I’m supposed to look stunning not …alright.”
He sighed with a smile as he grabbed my hand sincerely. “You look nice Jules.”
“Thanks,” I rolled my eyes at his attempt.
“Is anyone from his side here?”
My smile dropped. “No.”
His grip on my hand increased as sympathy shined through his eyes. “It’ll work out. Trust me.”
“What if they all hate me when they find out?” I whispered shyly.
“How could anyone hate you?”
I gave him a look. “I’m sure a Slythern who has been best friends with Death Eaters since she was born isn’t the best match for their best friend.”
“Don’t worry about it. They’ll love you.” He reassured me softly, “Once they see how much you love each other they will welcome you with welcome arms.”
“And if they don’t?”
“I’ll beat them up for you,” Parker grinned teasingly, “Come on since when do you care what people think of you?”
I shrugged timidly, “I just don’t want them all to hate me.”
“They won’t. He won’t let them.”
I smiled brightly at Parker before pulling him into a hug, “Thanks Parker. You’ve been more than supportive.”
“Anytime Baby girl.”
“What time do we have to be out there?”
He checked his watch, “Five minutes.”
My whole body tensed up. What if he ran out? What if he said he didn’t want to marry me? What if my father came in and stopped us? My palms started getting really sweaty as I started keeping time with my heel.
“Hey,” He grabbed my shoulders, “You’ll be fine. I won’t let anything happen. I’m your maid of honor for a reason.”
I nodded anxiously. “Yeah because you’re the only one of us that would look worse than me in a dress.”
Parker’s wide smile returned. “There she is! Now come on perk up! Do you think I would let just anyone marry you? He’s going to make you happy.”
“Yeah if he shows up...” I muttered tensely peering over to see the face of his watch.
He clamped a hand over his watch. “I’m going to go talk to him. Would that make you feel better?”
I numbly bobbed my head.
Parker kissed my forehead and walked out. I heard him talking through the door and my heart leapt as I recognized who he was talking to. Unable to stop myself I sprinted over to the crease between the door and the wall. Peeking through it my face broke out into a grin of relief. He was here! I tried to control my breathing until I could hear what they were saying.
Sirius snorted, “So how is she?”
“A nervous wreck.” Parker admitted rolling his eyes. “She’ll be alright.”
“She thinks I’m going to bolt doesn’t she?” He mumbled disappointedly.
Parker shrugged, “She just needs to calm down.”
Sirius let out a heavy breath before running a hand through his hair and shifting his weight.
“I guess she’s not the only one.” Parker remarked vaguely.
“Well,” Sirius blushed sheepishly, “You know…”
“Can I ask you something?”
Parker’s face became abruptly serious. “You know what will happen if you break your heart right?”
“I have to deal with you.”
“As long as that’s clear," His eyes shot down to his watch and he patted Sirius hard on the back, "It's time. Good luck and ...remember what I said."
Sirius's jaw tightened as he elevated his face to Parker's. "I will."
"Good." Parker waved down the minister before heading for me.
I sat down and closed the door. It was okay. I could do this.
The door swung open and he came in, his face examining me carefully. "You ready?"
I rose from my chair and grabbed the bottom of my dress off as I traveled to the door. The mirror stopped me as I waited for the wedding march to begin. My naturally tan face was blemish less with subtle eyeliner, mascara and eye shadow around my eyes. My normal black straight hair was wavy and soft on either sides of my collarbone. I felt like I was going to faint.
Then it started.
My knees were shaking and I wasn't sure I could walk a straight line. Flowers were handed to me. Probably from Parker but I was too out of it to recognize that. I determinedly starred at the carpet and the criss-cross black heels I wore under my dress. I didn't say anything I couldn't. I was having a silent panic attack and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Why was I doing this? My friends would never speak to me again. My family would hate me and probably send me away. Parker took my arm and began to lead me out into the church. The charcoal typical church carpet moved so fast from beneath me i began to get dizzy. I opted for raising my eyes to the seats around me. Rows of golden polished wood seats remained vacant as I passed by them giving me a hollow feeling. No one was here. Miserable at the thought i directed my eyes back on my feet.
"Hey," Parker whispered into my ear, "Why don't you look up?"
"Because," I whimpered back pathetically, "I'll fall."
He snorted under his breath at how stupid i sounded. "I promise i'll catch you."
"If I fall...I'm taking off these heels and beat you with them," I vowed quietly.
"Jules look up. He can't his eyes off of you."
Rolling my eyes I expected to meet Sirius's glance. What i didn't expect was how he'd be looking at me. The admiration and affection pounding in his grey orbs was unbreakable. He looked so handsome and all he did was put on a suit. His glossy black hair was wavy, his pale skin made his eyes pop. That was the moment i was absolutely sure i was doing the right thing. My doubts faded and i felt my cheeks blush at his gaze. I loved him. I beamed and followed Parker the final few steps.
"Who gives away this woman?" The minister asked aloud.
"I do," Parker answered taking my hand from around his arm, kissing it and giving it to Sirius.
"Alright then," The minister cleared his throat, survayed us over his overly large glasses and continued, "We gathered together here in the family to celebrate the love which Bride and Groom have for each other, to give social recognition to their decision to commit their lives and accept each other completely, to learn how to help and understand each other, to build a family, and together, to travel through life."
He took a breath as he continued in his little irish accent, "If any of you has anything to say that might change their minds… they… don’t want to hear it."
We laughed at his bluntness.
"However, they do want to hear from you that you are their family, and will always support and encourage them as they discover the commitment and dedication needed to make marriage work. And that is why you are here today."
"So Bride and Groom, please focus your attention on one another and also answer my questions.."
"Juliette," He adressed me, "Do you take Sirius to be your wedded husband, to share your life openly, standing with him, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease, to cherish and to love, so long as you both shall live?"
My eyes floated up to Sirius's, my voice shook with happiness, "I do." He glowed.
"Sirius," He turned, "Do you take Juliette to be your wedded wife, to share your life openly, standing with her, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, in hardship and in ease, to cherish and to love, so long as you both shall live?"
My throat clamped up in those three seconds before he answered. "Yes, I do," He vowed clearly.
"Before you exchange rings and vows, I’d like to remind you what the Bible has to say about love:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
The minister chuckled slightly, "Maid of honor the rings please."
A gentle quiet hummed in the church as candles flickered and Parker placed my wedding ring in Sirius's and his in mine. "Sirius as you place this ring on Juliette's hand, please repeat after me...'
"I take you, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and, in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part," He recited perfectly.
Sirius's eyes bore into mine, "Jules, I take you to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and, in health, to love and to cherish. Till death us do part."
It was my turn. The minister faced me,"Juliette as you place this ring on Groom’s hand, please repeat after me .."
"I take you Groom to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and, in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part."
"I take you Sirius to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and, in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part."
"Bride and Groom,
You were born together and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow. "
He smiled at us brightly his large glasses shinned in the light. " You may kiss your bride. "
Sirius didn't need to be told twice, he took me by the back of my waist and cupped my face and gently brushed his lips against mine. He pulled away, his voice so warm and soft, "I love you Juliette Black."
I grinned, "I'm keeping my name Sirius."
The hallway was darker and colder than I remembered it being just a few hours before. My bones began to feel heavier and my eyelids throbbed from overuse. I followed Bellatrix thoughtlessly. We had no way out. Her wand was glued to her hand and if we were being taken to Voldemort there was nothing more we could do. My stomach growled but I ignored it. I didn’t have the strength to think about how long it had been since I had eaten anything. Everything felt irrelevant. I was in this odd haze. Blame it on my lack of sleep or food whatever it was it gave me something I’d be begging for for a long time. Clarity. Clarity is what made me see the truth: nothing mattered. We were going to die. I looked at him and felt tears slip down my cheeks. Merlin how I loved him. How he could make me weak with just a glance. A seemingly impossible task that he always mastered with such ease, I never understood how. He starred back with the same tears in his own eyes now. I started shaking as I cried harder and harder. Why had I been so stupid? I should have known he would have never give up. Not on us. We stopped at a heavy wooden black door near the end of the hallway. The stone walls and floors eerie disposition somehow gave me comfort.
“Wait out here,” Bellatrix ordered, “There’s no escape. So don’t even bother.”
I believed her and did as I was told though I wished nothing more than to throw sharp mini knives at her. So we stood and waited. The air around me was crowding me until I was unable to stay calm. I couldn’t avoid it any longer. No longer had I the ability to pretend that he meant nothing to me. No longer could I fight the urge to be near him. So I moved to him, my hands still chained behind my back.
My lips started trembling, “I love you…” I gulped involuntarily, “I always have.”
He pressed his cool forehead against mine. Our faces matched each other. Tear for tear. Heartache for heartache. I saw his shoulders slant forward. I could feel how much his arms yearned to hold me. Why had it come to this? I was only 20, he was only 21. How could we lose each other now? A loud clank sounded through the hall as I heard our chains break and fall to the floor. I didn’t pay attention to why or how. All I cared about was him. My eyes drifted down as I started crying harder and harder. He wrapped his left arm around my waist, pulled me closer and he tilted my face up to his eye level before brushing my tears away with the tips of his knuckles.
Sirius squared his broad shoulders, his eyes just a few centimeters away from my own. His passionate grey eyes watered heavily but he remained serenely calm. “Jules.” He began surely, “I just want you to know-“
“Don’t-!” I cried quietly putting a hand on his chest to stop him.
“Let me get this out.” He begged in a whisper, I wordlessly gave him permission. “I don’t regret anything. I don’t even regret our time apart because it showed me something.”
I hint of anger surfaced but I didn’t expose it. “What?”
“Because, I can't say that I loved all the fighting or being without you, but because of it, I found out exactly how much I love you.” He laughed coldly, “I thought I was fine…I was so stupid. So deep in denial. I thought if I went out with other girls but they were never enough. I tried getting a job and thought about moving but I just couldn’t. Then Dumbledore introduced me to you…” He gave me a broken smile. “And the hole in me that I’d been trying to replace with other things ached because I knew I’d never be truly be happy without you.” He let out a shaky breath as overwhelming sincerity shined in his eyes, “I tried to love or even like a hundred girls in the past three years and none of them fit the bill because none of them were you.”
And for the first time in three years I genuinely smiled.
“You are the most…” Sirius stopped as his voice got chocked up, “You are the most important thing in my life.”
“Even after all this time?”
His hand shot back to the back of my neck and yanked my face to his. I lost all my inhibitions. I pressed my entire body against the core of his and I threw my arms around his neck. He snaked his hand behind my waist and lifted me off the ground as his other hand kept a firm grip on the back of my neck. Alive. Finally. Alive. We kissed so hard I forgot where I was and who I was. It didn’t matter. Every nerve on my skin exploded at his touch. I felt seventeen again. I felt like I could breathe again. Like all these weeks, months and years I’d been suffocated and gagged and now I could exhale. Feverishly I closed my eyes and got more into the kiss, constricting my grip on him. Every kiss, every touch, echoes of every everything circling in the air around us. It gave me a surge of energy I didn’t know I could possess. He groaned hungrily as I kissed him harder. Within seconds he forced himself to break the kiss off, panting somewhat was he did so. His mouth was still ajar and we still held each other close as he starred into my eyes.
“I’ve missed those eyes.”
I gave a watery smile before burrowing my face into his chest and clamping my arms around his back. “Not as much as I’ve missed this.”
He laughed smugly as he rested his chin on the top of my head and stroked my hair gently.
I melted into his arms and clamped my eyes shut. That’s when the door opened.
My nails tore into Sirius’s back as he locked his arms around me. Someone pulled me away from him but it was no use I wasn’t going away from Sirius. I kicked them as hard as could and I could feel my foot break their bone.
“GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF ME! NO!” I shouted and screamed as I felt an arm slink around my waist and tug me away from Sirius.
“DEPRIMO!” A cold voice called and in an instant a hollowing wind sent us flying across the hall into the stone wall.
I groaned and tried to get up but my eyesight was fuzzy. The fierce wind had knocked the wind out of me. Two people grabbed me by my armpits and dragged me across the icy floor. I was too weak to fight them. When they dropped me to the floor I looked over my shoulder and saw Sirius take a punch to his stomach. I moved over and crawled towards the door with every bit of strength I had left. Bellatrix slammed the door shut and bolted it.
I sighed and kneeled still disoriented. “Okay …I get the picture. I’m going to die…but could you please stop being such-ah-bitch?!” I scoffed irritated at the charade.
A cold calculating laugh was louder than the rest and I was unsure why the tone seemed familiar to me. My heart started pounding in my chest as a cold chill ran up and down my spine. I started shaking.
“What do you want?”
A girl walked out from the darkness slowly and decisively, her face curved into a smile as I felt hatred burn from every nerve in my body. “Oh Jules,” Renee laughed, “You’re just so …predictable.”
Amy Brown followed her and wrapped her arm around her shoulders, her sneer prominant and smug. “Pathetic too.”
Sorry this took me so long to write! I kept wondering how i should go about this chapter. I hope you liked it! PLEASE REVIEW! And always THANK YOU FOR JUST READING IT! You have no idea how much your support means to me!
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