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Oh My Merlin! by Jellyman
Chapter 1 : Oh My Merlin!
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 16

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Written in response to Rin's Wizard Card Challenge over at TGS!

Dedicated to
Rachelle, Molly, Melanie and Jane
for not running away screaming
when they heard about this idea

Oh My Merlin!

Being over a thousand years old had its advantages; having lived so long, there was hardly anything that surprised me anymore. Well, that and the beard gave me an air of wisdom that allowed me to simply nod sagely at times, and it was accepted as an answer.

However, I digress.

Surprises—now, I had seen entire castles disappear into thin air, dragons flying right at me with fire exploding from their mouths and witches swirling fiendfyre around their fingertips, ready to strike at any given moment.

But I had never seen anything that would have prepared me for something like this.

The scene in front of me was quite shocking, really. When I had opened the broom closet, looking for a , I expected to see the usual…you know, brooms, buckets and the like. Perhaps even the cleaning lady muttering gibberish in the dark like she was sometimes want to do. But I cannot see anyone having anticipated this--it was akin to being slapped by a fish; everyone joked about it but no one knew what to say if it ever did happen.

To be honest, I always thought Lancelot fancied Arthur’s wife. Apparently I was wrong as to who’s arse he was checking out in those drafty corridors of the castle.

I guess it explains why he always fought Percival for Arthur’s right hand side at the Round Table. God knew what was going on under there!

I. Don’t. Want. To. Think. About. It.

After several seconds of simply staring, paralysed by complete shock, listening to the muffled moans and heavy breathing of the two young men, I was feeling distinctly uncomfortable and thankfully found my voice. “Arthur? Lancelot?

At the sound, they sprang apart, red faced and eyes wide. Lancelot hastily pulled down his tunic and Arthur quickly tightened the drawstring of his trousers, which were hanging dangerously low on his hips. I could feel the awkwardness grow tenfold as they shifted uncomfortably under my accusing stare.

“What in your dear father’s name do you think you are doing?” I demanded, trying desperately not to laugh at the absurdity of the entire thing.

Truth be known, I never particularly liked Arthur—much too much bravo and woe-is-me attitude. Everything was a drama.

Not to mention, he wasn’t all that bright as he was about to prove.

Arthur, the ever-typical idiot, stuttered and spluttered while his git of a friend just grew redder in the face. After a few minutes of oh-and-er-ing, he finally blurted, “N-nothing!” and even Lancelot had the grace to shake his head in disbelief.

I raised an eyebrow in disbelief and peered over my glasses, going for the really? is that really what you mean? look. “Nothing?”

Arthur, the twit, shook his head, blush deepening. “Sir Lancelot thought there was a spider…up my shirt. He thought it…bit me so he…was trying to…suck…the poison…out?”

I closed my eyes, willing myself to breathe calmly despite the growing hysteria. It was all I could do not to laugh. Sometimes I wonder how such an idiot could have pulled that sword from that stupid stone.

To think; he controls knights.

A/N: Ahem. Yes. I really know squat about the Arthurian Legend. Please leave your thoughts in a review :P Thanks for reading!

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