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Déjà Vu by dream_BIG
Chapter 3 : Lemonade, Tarturus, and Swine Flu: The Inner Ramblings of Artemis Selene Jones
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 84

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Don't hate me. You know you love me too much to hate me.
By the way, I am here in a nice, sunny place for vacation, where it is amazing. And I am updating this story for you. 
That, right there, is devotion, my friends. I deserve cookies. And reviews! Tons of reviews!
Please? It's my birthday!
No, seriously. It's my birthday.
I turn one more year older tomorow, my friends! WOO HOO!!
Tomorow is my bi-irthday, and I get to drive a ca-ar.
Clear the roads, people. I am coming out there!

Chapter image by me :D
Here's Dom, guys! You'll see Alex again, later on.

Sometimes, I really, really, really hate my ‘gift’ (and you can believe those quotes around ‘gift’). Like, for example, right now. I’m sitting in THE MOST boring class ever to have been introduced to wizardkind, History of Magic, taught by the ever-so-exuberant Professor Binns. Let’s give it up for the ghost, folks! He can successfully put a whole room of energy-filled teenagers to sleep within a record time of just three seconds!

Woo-freaking-hoo. The guy should receive a bloody award. Honestly, after Merlin knows how many years of teaching the same boring class, a man would get bored of it. But no. Even death didn’t stop him from coming back and making our lives miserable.

But that’s not the reason I hate being a Seer. No, I can thank my ‘gift’ (ha!) for this head splitting headache. And my bloodshot eyes that make me look like I’m severely hung over.

You know, at times like this, I start to wonder what kind of a person I must have been in my past reincarnation to deserve this. No doubt I was some sort of soul-sucking, baby-punching, puppy-kicking hag. That explains so much.

I mean, seriously, why can’t the bloody future just stay put for a little while? They’ve been driving me up the walls, the blurry visions. Nothing is distinct; it’s just vague, blurry figures that shift so often it’s like a boggart in the middle of a crowded room. It’s a relief to see something from JasElla or NoAl (I rather like this name).  Even ScoRose is indistinct right now, although not as blurry as AlFred (Alfred, geddit?!) or Dopollo, which worries me. I still catch snippets of ScoRose, which are a tad blurry, but at least I can tell what they are.

Yes. I have come up with names for the couples. You can stop laughing now.

Let’s move on, people…

But what’s really pissing me off: Me and Potter – we’re just a little blurry. Not that much. We’re even more distinct than ScoRose. It’s been two weeks already! We had a Quidditch game and everything! WHY ISN’T ANYTHING HAPPENING?!?

Unless you are severely mentally impaired, you have probably guessed that I’m not exactly feeling like a little ray of sunshine and rainbows right now.

Staying up all night tortured by indistinct visions didn’t help. My aching body, as well as my pounding head also doesn’t really do wonders for my mood either. Neither does the fact that we have another Quidditch practice tonight. Not to mention Potter trying – and failing – to hit on me again. Really, that boy is SO THICK. Honestly, what part of “No, Potter” doesn’t he understand? Does he need me to say it in freaking French or something? Because I could. Ready: “Non, Potter.” See? French. And yet, I bet he still wouldn’t understand. Idiot.

Oh, but it gets worse. Just to make myself clear, I told him that I would go out with him when pigs fly (basically, never), and he responded by grinning, winking, and going ‘Great. I’ll pick you up at six?’ I stared blankly at him, wondering if he had finally gone around the bend, when he grins again, and goes, ‘You know, the swine flew.’

‘Uhm. Which swine fle – OH! Swine Flu!’

After shaking my head in disgust and giving him a pitying look, I just walked away.

Swine flu. SWINE FLU. He tried using a muggle illness to pick me up. That’s just pathetic. Even for him.

Plus, Dom puked all over my shoes this morning.

I really wish she would get better, already. I, unfortunately, cannot see when her body will rid itself of the illness, and it’s killing me. I mean, I’m a freaking Seer, I have to see something. But no. My visions are all vague and shadowy. Great ‘gift’, huh?

Thank you, fates. Really. I appreciate this. A whole lot. You know what you should do? I think you should just kill me now. Seriously, just kill me now, and I honestly wouldn’t mind rotting in the dark, fiery depths of Tarturus for the rest of eternity just to escape these visions. Well, actually I would, since Tarturus is supposed to be a pretty nasty place, but Hades’ realm doesn’t seem so bad right now. It’s better than Tarturus, at least. And there is a possibility that Hades won’t punish me. I might actually end up in a nice place! I mean, I’m not THAT bad of a person. I’m not perfect, but I’m not exactly BAD either. I’ve done some good things. I’ve –

Okay. I’m getting off topic. Just…forget it, okay?

Life is a big ball of suck. That’s my point here.

“Life sucks, and then you die.” Is one of my favorite anonymous quotes. 

You know, you laugh at first because it’s so funny, but look at it. Just look at it. It’s true! Everything about that little statement is absolutely, 100% true. Life DOES suck, and then you DO die. It’s frank, and true, and this person is a genius.

NO! Don’t even try to argue. It’s been decided, and you can’t do anything to deny it.

I know your future.

So, obviously, I’ve got the upper hand here.

Forget about all that “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” bullshit. It’s all nonsense. My advice: When life hands you lemons, chuck them back and demand for a refund.

Yep, that’s me. Artemis Jones, the Wisest Seer of them All.

You know what? That has a nice ring to it. I like it.

Ahem. Henceforth, you shall all address me as: (cue impressive thunder clap) ARTEMIS JONES, THE WISEST SEER OF THEM ALL.

Yes. In all caps. That’s how you have to do it. Also, you have to say it in a deep, loud, echo-y voice. C’mon, try it.

“Missy? Did you see something?”

I glanced up to see a pale and tired-looking Dom.

NO! You must call me: (thunder clap) ARTEMIS JONES, THE WISEST SEER OF THEM ALL. (in all caps)

But Dom is my best friend, so I’ll make exceptions. All of you guys have to call me that, though. Yes, really.

“No.” I sighed. “I was just zoning out. Is class over?”

“Yeah. Let’s go eat.” She suggested.

“Sure.” I got up and followed her out, falling into step with her as we made our way to the Great Hall.



“You feeling alright? You look really sick…maybe you should go to Madame Pompfrey.”

“No, no. I’m fine.” Dom gave an unconvincing smile.

I gazed at her. “Is there something you’re not telling me?” I asked.

“No, nothing. I’m just starting to worry that…” She took a deep breath. “Are you sure you didn’t see anything about me?”

“No. It’s all blurry and vague, it’s absolutely killing my head.” I said tiredly, propping my elbows up on the table and rubbing my temples.

“Missy, you okay?” Apollo looked at me worriedly from across the table.

“Not really.” I sighed. “I hurt everywhere, including my head.”

“Blurry visions?” He asked quietly. I nodded, and he grimaced at me in sympathy. Our group ate in silence, which was a first for us. Even Potter was unusually quiet, glancing at Dom every now and then with a worried expression. Dom just stared down at her plate, not eating anything.

It felt like a freaking funeral.

Hell, even a funeral is probably livelier than this.

Which, if you think about it, is absolutely, utterly PATHETIC. Actually, you don’t even need to think about it! IT’S PATHETIC. That’s what we are. Absolutely. Pathetic.

So, I was almost relieved when Potter rose and barked. “Team! PRACTICE!”


I, fortunately, am not THAT insane quite yet. I’m getting there. Oh, yes, I’m getting there. But I’m not there yet. I still have some remnants of my sanity left.

Not that I was fully sane to begin with…

But no one needs to worry about that. Except the Healers over at St. Mungo’s.

Ahem. Moving on…

“Okay, we’re going to start with thirty laps today! GO!” Potter blew his whistle.

“You have got to be kidding me!” Ella yelled at him.

“There is NO WAY –”

“ – out of your mind –”

“ – can’t be bloody serious – ”


Our voices overlapped each other as we yelled at him.

“SILENCE!” Potter shrieked out of nowhere. “I KEEL YOU!”

Everyone stopped dead and looked at him with wary expressions.

“…Achmed the dead terrorist?” He looked around at us. “No one gets it?”

Blank stares.

“Well, then. You guys have clearly been living under a rock.” He said conversationally. “Let’s just get back to practice, shall we?”

“James.” I wheedled, looking at him with pleading eyes. “Please. Thirty laps? Come on, we’ll all die.”

“Fine. Twenty – five.” He sighed.

“Come on…how about ten?” I smiled winningly, and everyone grinned appreciatively at me.

“No, twenty – five, and stop looking at me like that!” He looked away.

“Like what?” I asked innocently. Go puppy-dog eyes!

“RUN!” He blew his whistle. We just stood there.

“Okay, fine. How about this?” He pointed his wand at the ground, and suddenly it was burning hot. We gave shrieks of pain and started running. “GOOD! You stop and the ground burns your feet!” Potter yelled after us. He followed as well.


“I…hate…him…” Scorpius panted.

“He better watch his back when we get home.” Albus muttered furiously.

“I’m with you, little bro.” I said.

“Hey.” James jogged up next to me, and Al and Scorpius immediately sped up. I gritted my teeth. Curse those wankers and their fast speed. Instead of deeming him with a response, I grunted at him.

“Some practice, huh?” He asked. I glared at him, mentally cursing him to Hades for the rest of eternity.

“Come on, Artemis, you guys will be thanking me when we win!”

 I glared some more. I hope you rot in hell, Potter.

“You know you all love me.” He grinned.

I snorted in disbelief and glowered at him some more, thinking murderous thoughts that all involved his gruesome and untimely death.

“You know you do.” Oh, stop grinning at me.

“Not at all.” I answered. I’m getting tired of glaring.

“Not even a little?”


“Not even a teensy crush?” He asked. I glanced at him. He was looking at me very seriously.

“No.” I shook my head.

“Physical attraction?”

“Not in the slightest.”

“Do you find me attractive?” He sounded a bit desperate at this point.


“Not even at least a teensy bit good-looking?” Really desperate.

No, Potter.”

He looked hurt, and I backpedaled a bit. See? This is how nice I am. This guy is out to kill me, and I feel bad for making him feel bad.

“Not that you aren’t attractive, you are, don’t worry, I just don’t find you attractive.” I said quickly.

A smile broke across his face. “Really?”

Oh, god. I’m supposed to be avoiding him, and I just told him that he looks good.

Way to go, Artemis.

But he is attractive, I have to admit. He’s got these sparkling gold-ish hazel eyes, a totally fit body, complete with muscles, and unruly black hair that’s all over the place and looks really sexy.

Oh, god. See? This is what happens when I listen to conversations between mindless bimbos! I start using their descriptions!

Don’t tell anyone I said that.

I mean it. I know your future.

So I have the upper hand.

Exactly. Don’t tell ANYONE.

“Yeah. Bye.” I sped up, and he let me go.

Thankfully, he left me alone all through the suicides, push-ups, sit ups, and pull-ups (I don’t know where he got pull up bars. But I’ll keep my eyes out for some Muggle schools whose pull-up bars have mysteriously disappeared). We went on to take fifty laps around the Quidditch pitch, diving when necessary, and then we had a short game.

At this point, I can’t even feel my arms anymore. I stumbled off my broom and collapsed on the ground, too weak to stand up.

“Missy? Are you alright?” Hugo asked, stumbling towards me.

“Just give me a few minutes.” I huffed, rolling over on my back.

“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” He looked concerned.

“Nah. Thanks, Hugh. I just need to get some energy.” I panted, closing my eyes. Hugo left.

“Missy? You alive?” Jason bent over me.

“Barely.” I informed him breathlessly. He nodded and caught Ella as she fell.

“Miss? You ‘kay?” She murmured.

“You look dead, Ells.” I tried getting up, but groaned and gave up.

“I’ll be alright.” She sighed, closing her eyes. “Thanks, Jay.” She murmered.

I grinned and winked at Jason, and he grinned back before lifting Ella into his arms. He smiled down adoringly at her. So cute.

“Artemis! Are you alright?”

No, please. Not right now. I don’t want to deal with this.

I groaned. “Go away, Potter.”

“No, here, let me help you up, you look dead tired.” He bent down and pulled me to my feet. I staggered for a moment, and collapsed again.

“Huh.” I said. “It seems someone has replaced my legs with rubber thingies.”

“Here, let me just…” He bent down again, trying to help me up. I stumbled, and his hands immediately fluttered to catch me, but I fell down again.

“You know what, Potter?” I panted. “Just…leave me here. I’ll get back up later.”

“No, no, I’ll help you.” He insisted.

“No, don’t, really, I’ll be fine.” STOP BIENG A STUPID MACHO-MAN.

“No, come on, what kind of a guy would I be if I just left you here?” A really, really nice one.

Please leave me here. I’ll be fine.”

“You won’t, let me just – ”

“ – no, leave me – ”

“ – here, I’m going to lift you up…”

“STOP TOUCHING ME!” I screeched. Potter froze, hands two inches away from me. “I keel you!” I added ferociously. He just stared at me with wide eyes, since everyone was now gawking at us.

“…Achmed the dead terrorist?” I cocked my head to the side, eyes full of amusement. “What, have you been living under a rock or something?”

I believe that was a score for Artemis. HELLS. YEAH.


“Albus.” I groaned. “I’m dying.”

“I can’t feel my legs.” He whispered back.

“If I don’t live through this,” Scorpius murmured to us. “Tell Rose I…”

“Tell Rose what?” Rose appeared, smirking down at Scorpius, who blushed. Me and Al exchanged a smirk.

“Uh – um – well…Tell you…that…uh – um.” He shot us a pleading look and I shrugged at him, still smirking in that annoying way of mine.                                                                                                                                                                                     

“Tell you that…you owe me…five galleons.” He nodded, pleased with his excuse. “Yep. That’s it.”

“No, I don’t.” Rose looked confused. I rolled my eyes.

“Oops. My mistake. Well, time to shower, bye!” He waddled up the boy’s staircase as fast as he could go, Rose gazing after him and looking slightly crestfallen. Wow, that girl is blind. Can’t she tell he’s head over heels for her?

“Dying.” I gasped. No one heard me. I’M DYING, PEOPLE! Okay, that’s it. Announcement time.  The world needs to know my last words before I leave the earth, thus making it a sad, desolate, unhappy place.

 I lurched to my feet. “Guys, I’m dying.” I announced to my team. They looked at me, eyebrows raised.

“I’m dying. I can feel the years leaving me, and I know that the end is soon.” I paused for dramatic effect. “Life was so beautiful, with so many wonderful moments that will be left behind with my death. But now that the end has come, I know that I will miss you all terribly.” I sniffled a bit, looking around at them with affection.

Hugo was laughing, as were Al and Fred. Ella, Jason, Alex, and Pol were fighting smiles, and Potter was chuckling quietly. Well. No one’s taking me seriously. They won’t be laughing when I do die!

“Alexandria Lewis.” I announced, turning to her. She hastily arranged her features into a somber look, though her mouth occasionally twitched at the corners. “I’m leaving all my clothes to you, in the hopes that they fit you.” She nodded, not trusting herself to open her mouth.

“Elizabeth Longbottom.” Ella glared at me for using her full name. “I leave to you…my broomstick.”

“Sweet!” Ella said. “Can you die now?” I glowered at her.

“Tell Dom that she gets all my make-up and nail stuff. I know she loves it.” I sniffled, and wiped away an imaginary tear. Fred rolled his eyes. “By the way, where is that girl?” He asked. I ignored him.

“Now, all that I ask is that you bury me with my wand.” I took it out and looked at it sadly.

“Okay.” Pol nodded, eyes bright with laughter. “We’ll be sure to do that.”

“Well, then. Got that out of the way. Artemis is out. PEACE!” I pounded my fist against my chest, kissed it, and raised it in the air. Then I tottered towards the staircase, leaving my laughing friends behind.

In my defense, getting almost killed by my twin brother’s best friend makes me really tipsy. Plus I haven’t had that much sleep, which also makes me act like a drunken person, so I have an excuse for my weirdness, okay?

I know, they’re lame-o excuses.

Sadly, they’re the best I’ve got.

At least I’m good entertainment.

This time, I used the fifth years’ bathroom for my shower. I didn’t think the first years would be able to survive another visit from me. They might get a restraining order.

“HELLO GIRLIES!” I flung open the door and it bounced off the wall with a bang. They all looked at me.

“Missy, what are you doing in here?” Lily sighed.

“Lilster!” I said excitedly. “Fancy meeting you here!”

“Well, yes. This is my dorm.” She looked amused.

“Of course!” I slapped a hand to my forehead, and immediately whimpered.

“Say, you look terrible. What happened to you?” Lily scrutinized me.

“Your idiot brother happened.” I growled, sitting on the bed and wincing. “Why didn’t your parents use a condom?”

“Can we please not talk about my parents and condoms in the same sentence?” Lily asked, nose wrinkled in disgust. “I’d rather not be scarred with that type of information.”

“I don’t think I can live through another one of his practices. Do you know what he did?” I demanded.

“No, but I’m pretty sure you’re going to tell me.”

I shot her a dirty look, and she grinned. “He freaking burned the ground so we wouldn’t stop running for even one second without burning our feet.”

“Oooh.” She winced. “He’ll loosen up after a bit, don’t worry. Well, he might. Hopefully he does.”

“Hopefully.” I muttered, closing my eyes. “He’s absolutely raving, that child.”

Lily giggled. “Is there a reason you burst in here?” She asked.

“Oh, yes!” My eyes popped open. “Can I use your bathroom?”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Thanks, darling!” I summoned clothes and stepped into the shower.

Aaaah. The shower. Magical.

“Hello, Dommie!” I called as I bounded into our room. I feel so much better, thanks to that AMAZING shower. I looked around for her, and realized that she was in the bathroom. Frowning a little, I got out my essay and worked on it.


“Yeah?” I looked up and grinned when I saw Dom, who was biting her lip. My smile faltered at her expression. “Dom, what’s wrong?” I asked.

“I – I’m pregnant.”

Is anyone else here like, absolutely enthralled by the irony in this situation?
You know, the girl that sees too much doesn't realize something that's been right in front of her face?
Well, I love it. Please tell me that I'm not the only Lit geek here.

Also, all credit for Achmed the Dead Terrorist goes to Jeff Dunham, who is funny and brilliant.
And a better ventriloquist than me.


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