Chapter 1 : Voldie & and Scarhead
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A/N: Italics is J.K’s, the rest is mine. If You Seek Amy credit goes to singer Britney Spears. (And yes, I know that “If You Seek Amy” was a song that didn’t exist when GOF was written.)
Voldemort looked away from Harry and began examining his own body...Voldemort slipped one of those unnaturally long-fingered hands into a deep pocket qnd drew out a wand.
“Leave now Wormtail!” Voldemort ordered Pettigrew.
“But... but... Aren’t you going to call the rest of the Death Eaters?” Pettigrew whimpered.
“I will call them when ready, imbecile!” Voldemort screamed. Pettigrew squeaked in fright and disapperated. “So...” Voldemort said advancing on Harry. “We are alone. Just you and me, no one else around for miles to hear you scream!”
“I hate you!” Harry cried out. “Let’s do it!”
“Really?” Voldemorts face lit up. “Woah wait! We’re mortal enemies! We cannot do this!”
“Not anymore!” Harry pulled out his cell phone and logged on to facebook and changed their relationship status. “See?” Voldemort pulled out his phone and logged on too. He saw in his news/live feed that Harry had changed it to “Lovers” instead of “Mortal Enemnies” he went to his page and edited his so it said the same thing.
“So...” Voldemort said sort of awkwardly, “we’re lovers now...”
“Can I call you Voldie?” Harry asked.
“Only if I can give you a pet name too!”
“Ok... Voldie!” Harry grinned seductively.
“We’ll get to that part in a minute, but how about Scar-Head, or Potty?”
“I think I prefer Scar-Head, Voldie.” They just stood there for a few minutes contemplating their new pet names. Finally Harry broke the silence. “Voldie?”
“Can we do it now?”
“Sure, ADVA KEDAVA!” Harry crumpled to the ground. “Oh... wait... NOOOOOOO!” Voldemort said down and cried. He had killed his LOVER! How could he? He was about to Adva Kedava himself when Harry jumped up.
“Hey what’d I miss, Voldie sweetheart?” he beamed. Voldemort just stared at him. “Yeah, I’m supposed to be dead, I know, but Dumbledore showed up and told me that I was one of your Horcruxes and I had a choice wether to stay or come back and be with you. I wanted to come back. And by the way, that was NOT what I meant! I didn’t mean Adva Kedava me! I meant the other do it...” Harry wiggled his eyebrows at Voldemort.
“Oh. OH! Ohhhhhh...” Voldemort nodded. “I get it now!”
“Let’s do it, Scar-Head!”
“YES! You better be better that Cedric! God, that was awful!”
“You mean... I won’t be your first?” A tear dripped down Voldemort’s face.
“Voldie! Snap out of it! Of course not! I am the famous Harry Potter, here!” Harry broke out into song, very off tune. “LOVE ME, HATE ME, SAY WHATCHA WANT ABOUT ME, BUT ALL OF THE BOYS AND ALL OF THE GIRLS ARE BEGGING TO IF YOU SEEK AMY!” Just then a bunch of Death Eaters appeared out of nowhere and swooped down on the graveyard.
“We’re here to help you, oh great Dark Lord! ADVA KEDAVA!” A green jet of light hit Harry, but not before he yelled out something to Voldemort.
“I LOVE YOU VOLDIE! AND I ALWAYS WILL! REMEMBER ME!” and then he died.
“YOU FOOLS! YOU IMBECILES! YOU-!!!!” Voldemort pulled out his wand and Adva Kedava’d them. He sat down and cried over Harry’s body and then Adva Kedava’d himself.
“Scar-Head! I LOVE YOU!”
“We are finally together!”
“Oh crap.... here comes Cedric... he looks sort of mad...”
“RUN, MY LOVER!”