Chapter 1 : What A Wonderful Existence
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it was written for my bestest friend in the whole entire world, Chrisser :] ilhersomuch.
My heart aches for all the beauty in the world.
And I’m not just saying that – it literally aches. It beats so hard that I can feel it burning and I have to clutch my hands to my chest, but none of that matters because there is so much life around me. There is so much love. It fills and fills and fills my heart until it’s about to burst, like a sack filled with too much sand. And when I’m full with so much beautiful aching, I want nothing more than to pull my family and friends around me so I can absorb their essences like a sponge. Then maybe I would be able to take those mellifluous, gorgeous cores of theirs and tuck them into the little pockets of my heart, to keep safe and remember for the rest of my life, even when I’m old and senile and my brain is leaking out of my ears because I won’t be able to do anything by myself.
No, that’s not true. I will always be able to love. I will always be able to smile. I will always be able to hold onto the pearls of friendship and family and wear them around my neck, like the belle of the ball.
I’m no beauty anymore, not sure I ever was, but in this moment, I’m jewelled by all this love, dressed by all the ups and downs and roughs and tumbles of relationships and my hair glitters with happiness. I’m rich tonight, too. Rich in love, friendship, happiness. Rich in Life. Everything my hands touch doesn’t turn into gold, but instead pulses with this Life, sending tingles through my body to rest in my heart and jolt it lightly, reminding me that there’s magic everywhere – and not just the wizard kind. The air is practically crackling with this kind of unnameable magic, the neutrons and electrons and protons colliding with each other as if to constantly remind everyone that they’re alive, alive, alive. It feels like my spirit is watching me from afar, having gone to a place that I cannot reach on the mortal plane of existence. I feel so light. So free. I almost want to spread my wings and fly away, just to see if this weightlessness of my soul matches my body, but no, I haven’t had a lithe figure in a very long time, and it would be stupid to try something like that. I may be drunk on Life and love and all that is Good, but that doesn’t mean that I’m stupid.
Or maybe I am. Maybe it’s stupid to think that everything will be right in the world again, that the ugliness the war brought will be easy to erase. That the nightmares will end, that so many young souls broken will become whole again. That the stench of smoke and blood and death and war and anguish will vanish in one night.
In this moment, though, everything is possible.
Everything is possible because Evil is gone, family and friends are safe, and Goodness reigns. There is no ugliness tonight. Just unadulterated beauty. Just Life.
And just like that, tears prick the sides of my eyes and I laugh into the air, my eyes sparkling and my head shaking. My heart is still so very full, and my lips are stretched so very wide with a smile that could blind the heavens and move worlds with its power. I never want to stop smiling, I decide then, and my arms automatically fling wide open as if simply smiling at the heavens wouldn’t do, but I had to hold them too. My chubby fingers wiggle in the cool breeze and my eyes close as I embrace the air, trying to give it my happiness and my love and my contentment so that it could carry all of that to everyone in the world. Tears slipped below my closed lids and were carried away on the wind, too, and I gave another little laugh. This would be my gift to the world – the ultimate recipe to taste the deliciousness of Life: bliss, adoration, tranquillity and a dash of sadness.
Because there is no way to know what happiness is without experiencing sorrow.
And as I stand here, arms hugging the air, crystal clear liquid clinging to my eyelashes as I Give, the wind ruffles my hair, and the strains of laughter and music and celebration reach my ears. A door clicks open behind me and then shuts, and I don’t have to turn around to know who it is. A warm body presses behind mine as he imitates my pose and I lean back against him, my pillar of strength, my love, my companion. Soulmate.
His warm breath rustles the hair next to my temple and I can feel his smile grow against my bones. My body betrays me and fuses to his, and as one, we lower our arms and Simple Be for a few minutes. Silence fills the air, but there is no need to pollute it with unnecessary questions or thoughts. He has no need to ask me what I was doing because he already knows. He always knows. He’s embedded so deep in my heart, in my conscious self, in my very being that there is no way of ever removing him. Not that I would ever want him gone. He is my better half, and without him, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And for that, I am so very thankful.
Gratitude for the Gods suddenly fills me, and my knees almost buckle with the force of it all. I have happiness, I have love, I have Life and I also happen to have luck. Is it possible for one person to have so much? Deciding that the heavens aren’t enough for me anymore, I turn around to face the love of my life. My hand moves of its own volition, as if my body knows my intrinsic need to touch him and confirm his existence, and cups his jaw. His skin isn’t as smooth as it used to be, and he definitely has some silver flecked in his fiery red hair, but he is still so very, very beautiful to me. He has given me everything. Love, seven amazing children, a place to call home…
We stay like that for a long time, staring into each others’ eyes, communicating wordlessly. My smile grows as big as it can, my eyes squinch up into small slits, the wrinkles around them growing pronounced (I am not so young now, after all) and I silently tell him I am very happy. A corner of his lips quirk up, his own smile lines appearing, and he teasingly tells me that I’m just happy that I can spoil our children and grandchildren rotten and make everyone fat. Which is true, but that’s beside the point. My brow wrinkles in unspoken admonishment and his blue eyes sparkle in amusement at it. He presses a finger against it, smoothing it out and then presses his forehead against mine, and he tells me with one look that he knows. He knows how I feel, how I think, how I want to dance with the wind and sing with the rain. The dam holding my tears back is about to burst when our only girl pokes her head outside the door and tells us it is time for dinner and my earth-shattering smile returns. There is no more time for tears tonight. No more time for shadows and doubts and fear. All of that can come later.
Now is the time to heal, a time to live.
It is only a wonderful existence, after all.
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