238. I sometimes whisper I love you when we kiss in the hopes that you’ll hear.
239. Allen Buckley annoys the crap out of me.
240. You might be my best friend’s boyfriend but I still want to sleep with you.
241. I’ve sat and watched you date and kiss all these guys. Yet I wish you could open your eyes to the guy who’s been there through it all. Me.
242. How is Meredith Russell only a 4th year? She looks like she’s thirty.
243. I feel stupid for thinking you could actually love me as much as I love you.
“Should we be worried about the names showing up in here?” Emilie asked, propping herself up on her bed with her elbows.
“Probably… it’s become more frequent,” I said, flipping through the newest confessions. “I have no idea how to erase those without lifting one of the charms for a bit…That could be chaotic.”
“I mean….I guess we should just let it be for now,” Emilie responded, glancing over at Pippa who was tracing her fingers over the pattern on her bed-spread.
“Pippa, what do you think?” I asked, nudging her slightly.
“Hm?” Pippa murmured, obviously distracted by something.
“Earth to Pippa,” Emilie giggled, tossing her confessional book at her. The book hit her lightly on her arm and she startled, jumping up to a sitting position.
“What?” She was suddenly alert, looking questioningly around at Emilie and I. We hadn’t seen Marley for a few hours since lunch. We figured she was in the library. It felt weird having Girl Talk without her but it had been a while and we couldn’t find her. We’d catch her up on everything later.
“You’ve been distracted all day,” I said, tugging playfully on one of her golden curls. “What’s on your mind?”
Pippa sighed, her fingers still moving distractedly along the seams of her blanket.
“Come on Pip, you can tell us,” Emilie crawled off her bed to come sit with us.
“Well, you all read that confession about Austen,” Pip muttered, not taking her eyes off her hands.
My insides froze as I recalled the confession from a few days ago:
#209. Austen made out with two different girls that night in the library.
Whatever happened, Pippa could not find out that the other girl was me. Not only is she already upset about it, but if would completely destroy our friendship. I doubt she’d even take time to listen to why I had kissed him.
“To be honest Pippa, Austen’s not exactly the most trustworthy guy is he?” Emilie said, putting a sympathetic hand on Pippa’s shoulder.
“But he seemed so…nice when we’ve hung out. I thought things were fine and then he’s making out with some other girl,” Pippa said, her voice sounding rough as if she were trying to hold in her emotions.
“Maybe there’s an explanation for it,” I suggested, trying to think quickly of a way to divert Pippa from thinking the worst. “Maybe the girl made out with him and he didn’t even want her to. Someone could have just seen it at the wrong moment.”
Pippa sighed, her fingers pausing over the bed as she contemplated this.
“That’s true, I guess,” she said quietly. “I mean, we’re not exactly exclusive right? He can make out with whoever he wants to. And so can I.”
“Well, maybe that’s not the best way to look at it,” I said tentatively. “I mean, if you want exclusivity you should tell him. Then things like this wouldn’t happen. You deserve his full attention. Don’t settle for anything less.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” Pippa waved me off. “Really. The relationships I’ve been in recently haven’t worked out and I think it’s because I was asking too much of them. I shouldn’t try to force guys into relationships. It’s not attractive.”
I couldn’t help but disagree with her philosophy but just as I was about to contradict her she cut me off and started talking about the next date she and Adrian have planned.
* * * *
“Seriously, Lily can you please just tell me the answer to this one?” Sirius whined from across the table from me. I saw Remus roll his eyes out of the corner of my eye and I smirked to myself.
“You can figure it out by yourself,” I smiled at Sirius, trying to contain my laughter. I shot Remus an amused look and I saw him stifle his laughter, too.
“Why are you guys laughing at me? I seriously can’t figure it out!” Sirius complained again, slamming his head down on the table in frustration.
“Sirius, the answer is right in the question. Read it carefully. They’re asking what kind of antidote you would use,” I said, picking his face up out of his hands and sliding the homework back under his face. I pointed obviously at the poison the problem mentioned.
Sirius stared at it for a minute then groaned. “I’m an idiot,” he said, laying his head dramatically back down on the table.
Remus and I let out our laughter as Sirius repeatedly banged his head on the table.
“Ok, I have to take off. Rounds start soon,” I said, gathering my things.
“Is Chris going with you during rounds?” Remus asked, raising his eyebrows at me.
I rolled my eyes at him. “No, Chris doesn’t come with me on rounds.”
I noticed that Sirius was suddenly very intent on finishing his homework, but Remus kept up the conversation. They’d both been surprisingly calm about my getting back together with Chris. I suspected that it was because Potter wasn’t showing any signs of dumping Holly and they’d seen how miserable I’d been lately. While Remus was more open to talking about Chris with me I noticed that Sirius was a bit more hesitant to talk about it, though he didn’t openly disapprove.
“Are things OK with you guys?” Remus asked, gathering his things to walk with me. “Sirius are you staying for a while?”
“Yeah, I want to finish this,” He muttered, still concentrating on the questions.
“Things are fine,” I said automatically. I’d become so used to responding this way whenever someone asked me about Chris. It wasn’t that it was untrue; I just wasn’t really sure what else to say about it. To be honest, I had so many mixed feelings about the subject that I didn’t really like talking about it.
“That doesn’t sound so fine,” Remus said as we left the library together.
“No, it really is fine,” I said. “It’s just…. I’m still getting used to being back with him. It’s going to take some adjustment, I guess.”
“Is that a good thing though?” Remus asked, looking at me earnestly. “I mean, in my opinion relationships shouldn’t really be an adjustment. You make it sound like it’s a bad adjustment.”
“It’s not!” I said defensively. “It’s just…been a while since we were together. I forgot what it was like. Really, I like being back with him.”
“Alright, as long as you’re happy,” Remus sighed.
“Hold on,” I said, putting my arm out to stop Remus. “Do you hear that?”
“I really hope it’s not people snogging,” Remus chortled. “Why does this always happen when I’m with you?”
“It’s so awkward. But technically I’m on duty now,” I whispered at him. We walked quietly up to a closed classroom door and pressed our ears against it. I could hear shuffling inside the room. Probably a couple snogging like Remus had said. Ugh. More love. I can’t take this anymore.
I opened the door quickly, creating as much noise as possible so the people inside would have a chance to compose themselves.
Remus and I poked out heads through the doorway in time to see Marley and Liam scrambling to stand upright from their presumably horizontal previous position. Marley was anxiously smoothing out her shirt as Liam combed quickly through his hair, trying to make it lie flat.
“Oh my god,” I said, my mouth dropping open. Remus and I were literally frozen in the doorway staring as Marley straightened her skirt, partially hiding herself behind Liam.
“I’m so sorry, Lily,” Marley squeaked, peering around Liam. Her hair was slightly ruffled and she quickly ran her fingers through it, smoothing it out. “I didn’t realize how late it was.”
“That’s fine,” I said, still rooted to the spot by my awkwardness. I tried to look away from them to give them a chance to fully compose themselves, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I’d never seen Marley with a guy before. Ever. She’d always been so innocent to the rest of the Clique when it came to matters of boys.
“We’ll just go now,” Marley breathed as she rushed past me out the door with Liam right behind her.
I caught her arm as she was pushed past me. “Marley, wait,” I said, finally unfreezing.
She stared at me with her wide brown eyes, clearly terrified that I would chew her out for being out after hours with a boy.
“Seriously, it’s fine.” I soothed her, tucking a loose piece of hair behind her hair. “ I won’t tell Emilie or Pippa if you don’t want me to.”
“Thanks, Lily,” Marley whispered, pecking me on the cheek before Liam pulled her away by the hand.
“That was so awkward,” Remus blurted when Marley and Remus were out of sight.
“I’ve never seen that side of Marley before. It’s….wow.” I said, still a bit dazed.
“Well it was bound to happen sometime, right?” Remus chuckled. We resumed walking towards the Heads Dorm.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But it’s Marley. She’s so….innocent!”
“Not anymore,” Remus laughed, clapping me on the back with his arm. “She’s seventeen, Lily. I know you’re more protective of her than anyone else but you’ve got to let to her experience life a bit.”
“Hmph,” I grunted. He was right though, I didn’t like the idea of Marley hooking up with boys. She was so delicate. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone breaking her heart.
“Come on, you’re already late for rounds,” Remus said pulling me faster along the corridor.
* * * *
I flopped down on my bed after rounds, exhausted. Thankfully nothing eventful had happened after I caught Marley and Liam in the classroom. Since I had been late for rounds to begin with, it was nearing two in the morning by the time I finished. Me and my perfectionist ways. I could have just done a half-assed job and been back here by one.
I grabbed my confessional off my nightstand and flipped through to the most recent confessions. It was pretty common anymore to see a name or two each time I checked. I really tried not to worry about it too much. As long as people weren’t spreading false rumors about anyone I really didn’t see the harm in it.
263. The weeks to come terrify me. Life as I know it is vanishing and I have to choose what’s next. I wish I knew where you stand. I’m lost.
264. I’ve cheated on almost every school test I’ve ever taken.
265. You think I haven’t told anyone about what we did…The truth is, that at least 5 people know about it.
266. “Intelligent, charming, cute…” Am I really all of those things?
267. Angela Monroe is the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.
268. When will Evans and Potter finally get together? They’re obviously perfect for each other.
I slammed the book shut, not even bothering to finish the last confession. This was the first time my name had appeared in the book. It wasn’t even anything bad. But it was definitely something I did not want to see at the moment. I was already having enough trouble getting completely over him. I was starting to enjoy being back with Chris. Why did someone have to go and write that? All it did was put that seed of hope back in my head.
And why on earth can other people at Hogwarts see that he and I would be good together except him?
Stop, stop, stop, I mentally shouted at myself. Stop thinking about him.
I tried to think of Chris and out date to Hogsmeade the upcoming weekend. I thought of the different things we would do in the village. But every new image that came into my head was immediately chased out by the image of Potter’s face. Would he ever leave me alone? Ruthless, they name is Potter. Damn him! Leave me alone!
I tossed my confessional across the room so that it landed with a thump! next to my bookshelves.
It was then that I realized that no matter what I did or who I dated, I would never be able to fully extract all thoughts of Potter from my head…
…And it was time to do something about it.
______________________________________________________________________________ A/N: Hey everyone! yay new chapter! What'd you think? Ok I'm on a roll now so I've written a few chapters in advance! Get ready for some major action and drama :)
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