Chapter 1 : Heading up in the world
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I don't own Lethal Weapon or Harry Potter and I've run out of milk...
To say it was wet would be an understatement, in fact, people were in danger of drowning if they went outside on a day like this. It hadn't stopped pouring since the morning and didn't look like it was going to stop. This was all due to the burning hot and humid days they had been having lately. Nine times out of ten, a thunder storm will follow those kind of scorchers.
Albus and Scorpius however, were not concerned by the weather. They were determined to actually enjoy the last Hogsmead weekend of the year no matter what conditions they had to brave. Mainly because they had missed the other two because of detention.
They were the only two people in sight as they trudged their way through the sloppy mud towards the village.
“Little bit of rain and everyone becomes a pansy,” Scorpius mumbled.
“Maybe there's been a sudden outbreak of water allergies in Hogwarts,” Albus said.
“Yeah, well, screw the weather. I'll be happy once I get a drink down me.”
“We could always go to the Hog's Head and try and pass me off as my dad, Aberforth's eyesight's pretty bad these days.”
“I know, he's always calling me Draco,” Scorpius chuckled.
“Hey, what's that?” Albus said stopping in his tracks.
They were looking at an ominous orange glow coming from behind the building in front of them.
“Is that a fire?”
“A fire in the middle of a rainstorm?”
“Let's have a look.”
Al and Scorpius quickly moved towards the back wall of the building and began walking down the alley beside it. Once they reached the entrance to the main drag of Hogsmead village they peered around the corner cautiously.
“What the hell?!”
Standing in the middle of the street was a huge man wielding a pair of wands and wearing what looked like a suit of armour. He was systematically moving from shop to shop, blasting out the windows with heavy stunners from one wand before unleashing a wave of fire from the other. Half the buildings in the street were already ablaze and the rain seemed powerless to help.
“Who the hell is this guy?!” Scorpius blurted.
“Spokesman for wizarding fire safety? I don't know!” Al huffed pulling out his wand.
“We need to call the Aurors!”
“What?! And just leave him here to torch Hogsmead, no way!” Al said instantly.
“Oh no! Hell no! We are not getting involved in this Al! Not after last time!” Scorpius scowled.
“What? Have we taken on an armour plated psycho before?!”
“You know what I'm talking about!”
“When are you gonna let that go?! I didn't know about the Smugglers!” Al yelled.
“Shh!” Scorpius warned before checking to make sure that the pyromaniac hadn't heard them.
“We gotta do something!”
“Look, we'll creep up on him, nice and slow. We'll get to that bit of cover over there,” Al nodded to an overturned carriage on the side of the street, “then we'll blast the shit out of him!”
“What if he turns around and barbecues us?!” Scorpius growled.
“He wont! Don't be so negative all the time!”
“It's impossible to be positive around you!”
“Come on, we can do this...besides, it'll make up for what happened last year,” Al smiled.
“It will. Okay, on the count of three. One...two...three!”
The two of them bolted from the corner, staying low. They ran straight across the street towards a second alley opening and ducked into it.
“See told you he wouldn't see us!” Al said proudly.
“He will see us!”
“No he wont, come on!”
They ran again, shooting towards the overturned carriage. Just as they reached it, the madman turned and immediately unleashed an inferno towards them. Al and Scorpius yelled and ducked for cover behind the carriage, missing the flames by inches.
“I TOLD YOU HE'D SEE US!”
“Well, we're here now so shoot him!”
Al and Scorpius shot up from the carriage, wands ready and let out a barrage of stunners. Every single one hit the man straight in the chest but to their horror, bounced straight off without leaving so much as a burn mark. The two sixth years jumped back down behind the cover.
“They didn't even make a dent!”
“It's goblin forged armour!”
“I don't know any spells that can get through that!” Albus groaned.
“Okay, I'll admitted it. This was a bad idea...”
“Finally, some sense. Can we leave now?” Scorpius asked rolling his eyes.
“All right. You run back to the alley, I'll cover you,”Al said.
“Wait a sec,” Scorpius said now looking very distressed. “Look, if I die -”
“You're not gonna die, I'm gonna cover you!”
“But if I do, there's something I need to tell you...”
Suddenly Albus wasn't the slightest bit concerned with 'flamo' and was completely focused on his best friend.
“Are you about to tell me that you're gay?” he asked in all seriousness. People had commented that Al and Scorpius might be more than just friends. He was ashamed to admit it but that kind of talk had made him wonder if maybe Scorpius was actually homosexual.
“What?! No, I'm not gay!”
Now Albus was just plain confused.
“I've sorta been seeing...Rose...”
Al's eyes went wide. “As in my cousin, Rose?!”
“I'm your best friend and you couldn't tell me that you've been dating my cousin?!” Al roared in outrage.
“We wanted to tell you but she was afraid,” Scorpius admitted.
“Afraid of what?”
“Two words: Her Dad!”
Al nodded. He couldn't argue with that one.
“I thought you two hated each other?”
“Well, I thought so too but I spos' it was just some sort of unrequited thingy...”
From behind the carriage a loud adult voice shouted: “Auror department! Don't move!”
Al looked up to see the pyromaniac instantly started shooting at the pair of Auror's that had appeared halfway down the street. The Auror's took cover after their spells were completely ineffective against his armour. This did however show Albus the opening he needed.
“How long's this been going on?” he asked after ducking back behind the carriage.
“I'm sorry! She just doesn't want everyone finding out. I really like her...”
Albus sighed. He couldn't condemn their relationship, especially after he had tried so hard to get them to get along. But that didn't change how pissed off he was that they hadn't told him sooner.
“Okay, I've got a plan...take your clothes off.”
“Take my clothes off?! Why?!” Scorpius yelled.
“Because when Smokey the psycho over there sees a half naked guy running down the street he'll turn around and that's when I shoot.”
“The weak spot in his armour. The back of his neck's exposed,” Al said.
“You're gonna shoot the back of his neck?”
“Hey! I'm an excellent marksman!”
“Sometimes I really hate you!” Scorpius growled and began pulling his clothes off. A minute or so later he was in nothing but his shoes and Quidditch boxer shorts.
“Are those little brooms?” Al asked seeing the patterns on Scorpius's undies.
“Now is not the bloody time Al!”
“Fair enough. Also, dance around and make stupid noises.”
“Dance around?! Why?!”
“I need his attention to be on you. Don't worry, I'll get him,” Al promised.
“You damn well better!”
"Don't let me die in my underwear, Al!"
Scorpius jumped up and ran straight into the middle of the street while flapping his arms around and shouting: “Look at me, I'm a butterfly!”
The pyromaniac saw him and for a second he didn't seem to know what to make of it. Then he turned and raised his wand at Malfoy.
“Hurry up and shoot the bastard Al!” Scorpius yelped in terror.
Albus jumped up and opened fire at the clump of black hair on the man's neck. A ball of fire erupted from the man's wand and shot straight towards Scorpius just at Al's stunner connected. The pyromaniac was blasted off his feet and through the air, somersaulting as he went.
“Oh shit!” Al said as he spotted what the pyromaniac was about to collide with. A shop window with a sign above it marked: Fireworks available.
“LET'S GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!”
Albus and Scorpius ran as fast as they could down the street as the shop exploded. The blast was so huge that it actually turned the entire building into a rocket sending it sixty feet into the air before it came crashing back down. A second massive explosion roared through the area as the shop next to it blew up. Then another and another like a mass destructive domino effect.
Albus and Scorpius, unharmed, turned to see the devastation.
Scorpius actually started laughing. “I don't believe it! That dancing thing actually worked!”
“Nah...I just made you do that for not telling me about you and Rose.” He was no longer laughing. In fact he was grinding his teeth and shooting daggers at Albus. “Cute boxers though...” he chuckled.
A second later the colour drained out of both their faces as they turned around to see Harry, Ron and the majority of the Auror department standing behind them looking absolutely aghast. Harry actually looked like he was about to join in with the buildings and detonate with rage.
They were in deep shit this time...
A FEW MONTHS LATER...
By some miracle, Albus and Scorpius were wheeling their trunks through King's Cross station heading to platform 9 ¾ for their final year at Hogwarts. How this was possible was still beyond them. They thought for sure that they would be in Azkaban by now for the little stunt they had pulled but they weren't.
True, it had been the longest and most frustrating summer of their lives and being confined to their homes was a lot like prison but nevertheless, they were out and heading back to school. Although, they still didn't quite believe it.
“Maybe it's a trick,” Scorpius whispered.
“What, you think there's gonna be a team of armed Auror's waiting for us on the platform?” Al asked.
“Could be...or maybe it's a mix up. Maybe they arrest two other poor bastards called Albus and Scorpius.”
“Let's hope so...”
The house arrest they had both received had left them looking pretty drained as well. Scorpius's hair was a lot longer than before and Al really needed a shave. On the plus side however, the only thing he really had to occupy his time was exercising which had had done regularly. He was now getting close to having the same bulky form as Charlie Weasley and was hoping that the female population of Hogwarts might take notice of it.
They didn't dare look behind them. The entire family was shadowing the two boys as they moved through the station. They had barely said a word since yesterday. Instead they had chosen to just give icy looks of disdain and tight lipped expressions in the hopes of scaring some discipline into them.
The only real explanation they could think of for being let off was that the crazed pyromaniac would have burnt down the entire village anyway so the damage they did was a bit meaningless but the moment Albus had suggest that he regretted it. The amount of shouting that the adult members of his family gave as a retort had shut him up pretty quickly. James was the only one that hadn't yelled at them, in fact, he spent most of the time trying not to laugh about it.
Incidentally, it was later discovered that the fire obsessed madman had found out that his wife was having an affair with a shop owner in Hogsmead and completely lost it, but he didn't know which shop to attack so he decided he would burn the whole village for good measure. But, as it turned out, Al and Scorpius's little intervention had given the locals just enough time to get clear of the mayhem. Apprently the shop keeper and the pyro's wife are now getting married. Love works in mysterious ways...
As they pushed through the barrier, the steam covered station was, as usual, packed with students and parents but that was it.
“I don't see an armed response unit anywhere...” Al whispered.
“Give it a moment. They'll start repelling from the ceiling any second.”
They moved their way down the platform while being stared at by just about everyone within range. They were used to this but usually for a very different reason. Many of the parents glared while several of the students watched on with big grins on their faces. That was another thing that had royally pissed Harry off; the fact that many of the Hogwarts students actually thought what Al and Scorpius had done in Hogsmead was cool.
“Hey, it's the bomb squad!” a student yelled out.
“Nah,” another student shouted. “They're suppose to stop things from exploding!”
Albus and Scorpius tried desperately hard to laugh at the comments.
Fifteen minutes and a massive amount of parental threats later, Albus and Scorpius were on board the Express, departing the station.
“Phew,” Al collapsed into his seat. “I'm glad the lock down is over.”
“Yours was bad too?”
“Torture. They didn't even let me use my car, like they think I'm gonna drive it through a building or something...”
“My dad put a boarder hex on the house. I couldn't even walk out the front door!”
“Oh, did you give Rose my letters?”
“Yes. And burned them after she read them so your secret is still safe,” Al said. “I'm sure she'll be right with you after she's done her Prefect thing.”
“I missed her...” Scorpius sighed.
“She missed you.”
That put a smile on his face. About half an hour later, that smile got even bigger when she finally arrived in their compartment. Naturally, she cast a charm that blacked out the windows and the rest of the journey was mostly made up of Albus trying to sleep through the squelching sounds Rose and Scorpius made as they snogged each other senseless.
As the train pulled into station outside the mostly reconstructed Hogsmead village, both Al and Scorpius couldn't help thinking that although they had escaped serious punishment, this year would be extremely tough for them. They'd no doubt receive harsher treatment than any other student and would have zero freedom to boot.
They couldn't really argue. It could have been much much worse.
Rose and Scorpius went back into their well trained routine of acting like they didn't even know each other has soon as they were off the train. They barely even made eye contact until reaching the main entrance to the castle.
Scorpius stopped in his tracks with a murderous look on his face and started his trademark sigh of grinding his teeth when he got really angry.
In front of him, stuck to the wall of the entrance was a large moving picture of Scorpius running through Hogsmead in his underwear and dancing like an idiot. Both Al and Scorpius had been completely oblivious to the fact that hiding down one of the alleyways was a photographer for the Quibbler who quickly decided to make that their front page picture. These same picture had been plastered all over Hogwarts during the weeks after the explosive incident and still nobody knew who was behind it.
“I'm sorry...really,” Albus said sincery.
“It's your fault, if hadn't made me get naked and do that stupid dance!”
“I'm sorry...what do you want me to say?”
Scorpius ripped the picture off the wall, scrunched it up and threw it away. “It's been almost six months,” he announced in anger to all the students entering the castle, “It's not funny any more, so whoever is doing this damn well better stop!” he stormed off.
“Seriously guys, it's getting old now!” Albus loudly agreed but at the same time pulled out a fresh picture of naked dancing Scorpius and stuck it to the wall as the students giggled around him. “If I find out who's doing this I'll beat the crap out of em!”
Al quickly got rid of the cheeky look on his face and caught Scorpius up.
The two of them froze. Headmaster Garrick's voice was unmistakable. Although he was in no way a tyrannical professor (which much of the school had feared when he first got the job) he nevertheless an intimidating man. He was easily about six foot six and his voice was as deep as a mine shaft.
This was no doubt going to be another deadly warning to stay out of trouble but this one would be worse because Garrick was a scary man. They entered the Headmaster's office (that had become very familiar to them) and took a seat in front of his desk. Gone were the mountains of odd whizzing instruments and device that had been there in Dumbledores day and in were the collection of historical magical artifacts that happened to be part of Garrick's private collection.
“You know, I still remember you two on your first day here. Twitching every few seconds with those terrified looks on your faces. Now, I'll admit, I admire bravery and confidence but sometimes I wish you two would go back to being those scared little bunny rabbits that you were in the first year,” he said nostalgically.
“You're not gonna transfigure us, are you sir?” Scorpius sounded worried.
“Yeah...or rather I'm hoping you'll transfigure yourselves into something more useful.”
Al and Scorpius threw each other a confused look.
“After the sixty two thousand, nine hundred and thirty two galleons worth of mess you two caused in the last eighteen months, the Board of Governors and the Ministry want you gone.”
“What?!” Albus cried. “They're gonna expel us?! We just got here!”
“Sir, that's not fair! We were just trying to -” Scorpius added.
“They can't expel you,” Garrick said causing them to calm down instantly. “they can't arrest you either because technically, you saved a lot of lives on both occasions. But they have found a way to make sure you can't cause any more insurance companies to go bankrupt. The Minister has informed me of a special guideline in the Hogwarts rules that I can use in certain situations and so I'm using it now...”
Al and Scorpius braced themselves.
“I'm promoting you.”
They both looked like they had been hit on the head with a frying pan.
“I'm making both of you heads of Hogwarts. Instead of a head boy and a head girl, there's going to be two head boys. You two.”
A second later Albus and Scorpius were laughing with huge excited grins on their faces.
“Has that ever happened before, two head boys?” Scorpius asked Al.
“Why not, I mean two heads are better than one, right?” Al chuckled. The puns had already begun.
“Yeah, and two level headed guys like us are perfect.”
“Of course, I love head.”
They were back into fits of laugher again.
“Enough with the head jokes, save them for someone that cares,” Garrick sighed, although he seemed to find them slightly amusing as well.
“Err, Professor, quick question; how does this stop us from causing any more damage?” Scorpius asked.
“Yeah, I mean, doesn't this just open the door for more damage...this kind of reasoning goes straight over my head,” Al added trying not to laugh.
“Because, as heads it'll be your duty and obligation to support the other seventh years at this years Tri-wizard tournament. But then, you two already knew there was one this year, didn't you?”
“Yeah,” Al admitted. “Ron let it slip a few weeks ago.”
“And he told me,” Scorpius said.
“Yeah, what you don't know is that this years is special. For the first time, two magical schools that have never been involved in the tournament before are being given the chance to compete. Hogwarts, as the current cup holder, will be going, as will the Salem Witches Institute of America.”
“Sorry sir, but going where?”
Al and Scorpius's eyes lit up like they used to on Christmas day.
“To the Hokkaido Academy of Magic. They're hosting it this year,” Garrick stated.
“Are you serious?!” Scorpius asked in jubilation.
“Trust me, this is not the kind of punishment they were hoping for. But, either way, it means getting you two out of the country for the better part of the year and besides, the Japanese have better insurance programs than we do.”
“Promoted to heads of school and sent on an all expenses paid trip to Japan...we should blow up more villages!” Al laughed.
“Yeah, we knock off Dufftown next and they'll probably make us Ministers!”
“Don't even think about it. Your fathers name might keep you out of Azkaban over here but it won't stop the Japanese from throwing you in a cell,” Garrick warned. “You know how this works, you'll be heading off at the end of October, champions will be chosen by the Goblet on Halloween, then the tournament will run for the rest of the year...think you can stay out of trouble until then?”
“We'll do our best, thanks for the heads up,” Al nodded happily.
“Yeah, we'll put our heads together and figure something out,” Scorpius just had to get another head pun in somewhere.
“Just get out of my office and don't destroy anything!” Garrick groaned as he threw them their head boy badges.