Chapter 10 : Forgive me.
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Chapter Ten: Forgive me.
Months, it’s been months and I’m still infuriated but not at him, not anymore. I’m furious at myself for not being able to stop thinking about him. He doesn’t seem too bothered, he hardly has a glance to spare my way anymore, maybe…maybe…I was…wrong.
For Merlin’s sake even thinking it hurts, but it’s possible I mean I’m well aware that I don’t know everything, yes so maybe I do know more than any other student at this school (Yeah I know modest, but who cares, we all know it’s true). Maybe there was nothing more to what happened between us, maybe he was just randy and I was conveniently available.
Maybe I’m letting the romantic in me get the best of me thinking that he actually wanted to kiss me, that he still wanted me afterwards.
Sigh…maybe…I’m really starting to hate that word.
I’m trying hard to concentrate on my notes from history of magic, end of year exams are very near and I should have began studying weeks ago but I find that every time I try to concentrate my mind is inundated by all this disturbing thoughts that won’t let me.
I look around the library which is full of students, a-not-so-rare occurrence at this time of the year; it’s mostly filled with fifth and seventh years studying for O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts respectably, it’s just about the most important time of the school year and yet here I am starring off into space like some love sick Hufflepuff. Mentally gagging at my inopportune use of the words “love sick”; I close my books and leave the library knowing full well that there’s no way I’ll be able to concentrate now that I’d given my musings full rein of my mind.
I vaguely wonder where Harry and Ron have gotten off to, but decide against going to look for them, actually glad to be free of Ron at least for a bit, he hasn’t given me a moments solitude since the day Malfoy (yes, I go back to the use of his second name, not that it helps but there you have it) punched him, probably trying to keep him away from me.
The filthy hypocrite first he goes around snogging Lavender Brown at every opportunity he has and thinks he now holds the moral high ground on me. I truly wonder what goes on in his head most of the time what does he think he’s doing protecting the sanctity of my reputation.
An unnecessary effort, I think. I doubt my reputation has ever been safer then it is at the moment.
I’m almost absolutely sure that Ron didn’t tell Harry or anyone else for that matter anything about what happened between Malfoy and I, but I think Harry suspects something is definitely up and as always even without actual facts he takes Ron’s side.
Now that I think about it Harry is probably still running around trying to find out what Malfoy is supposedly up to. That boy is more stubborn than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo, ever since he took it into his head that Malfoy is a junior Death Eater or something he keeps following him around trying to figure out what he’s up to. Well at least Ginny has put a damper on that particular problem for the moment.
I looked around the half-filled halls wondering where I should go, deciding that I would like some more time for my thoughts (call me a masochist I don’t really care), I make my way in search of privacy. Avoiding populated hallways and wandering down empty ones following wisps of promised solitude. I find my way leading me towards the astronomy tower hoping it’ll be empty as it usually is during the day.
Pushing the heavy door of rough wood open I take a deep breath, the sky is a cloudy promise of spring rain later in the day, but the soft breeze playing through my hair is warm and sweet. I make my way towards the parapet.
Dropping my bag on to the floor, I allowed my hand to caress the cool smooth stone, before climbing onto it. From this high up I can see far onto the school grounds, there are a couple of students playing around the lake, some studying underneath the protecting shades of a tree enjoying the warm spring air. I can see giant squid’s tentacles floating lazily on top of the water and I can also make out a couple of figures flying around the quidditch pitch, with a glint of red I think it must be Ron and Harry taking a break from their “ardent” labor of studying.
My thoughts turn back to Ron, I finally have what I’ve always wanted; his attention. Still I can’t help wondering why I’m not as happy as I had thought I would be.
Things have been better between us since his break up with Lavender, yeah sure I could definitely do with a bit less of the slightly suffocating over-protection, but things are better than they’ve been in months. This time I’m the problem, I can’t enjoy being with Ron as much as I used to, whenever I’m with him another face keeps filling my thoughts.
I feel frustrated tears gathering in my eyes, I ignore them.
I want to enjoy being with Ron, I want things to go back to the way they used to be. I hate having to think about him all the time and I hate all the more the fact that I can’t stop myself, the fact that I don’t want to stop. I hate the pain that shoots through my chest when ever his gaze sweeps over me cold and indifferent.
The tears begging to run faster, a sob tearing in my throat.
“You really like to choose the strangest places for crying don’t you? First broom closets and now tower tops.” My shoulders tense and I feel my heart falter at the sound of that voice, that deep voice with a slightly husky edge to it that does wonderfully torturous things to my senses.
“Wha-what do you want?” I asked choking back a sob and turning my face away, I did not want him to see me crying…again.
“Nothing really, I like to come up here from time to time, check up on the weather. Nice day today isn’t it?” His light hearted tone made me turn around to make sure I wasn’t confusing him with someone else.
Nope, that’s Draco Malfoy alright.
“What’s your problem Malfoy first you ignore me, hardly even glance at me for weeks on end and suddenly here you are wanting to talk about the weather?” I snap irate with his freakishly calm appearance.
“I was not ignoring you.” He answered softly, turning his eyes onto the grounds so I couldn’t make out his expression.
“Oh please, don’t make me laugh so hard, I might just fall over.” I snapped sarcastically as I brushed tears angrily away.
He chuckled and I refused to acknowledge the effect that sound has on me.
“It’s a long fall” He wittily points out.
I’m beginning to think that he gets a kick out of my pain; if he can’t stand the site of me then he should just stay the hell away from me and not come to rub salt against my wounds.
“Just spit it out Malfoy what do you want?” I find myself unable to mask the defeat on my voice. “Knowing you I would have thought you had found a new toy by now.”
“What are you on about Hermione?” He asked stressing the use of my name.
“I mean that if you don’t want me, if you don’t care about me, then you should have some pity for my sanity and stop playing with me.” I couldn’t help the words spilling from my mouth even if I regretted them as soon as they were out, I sounded pathetic.
Tears continued to fall; I just couldn’t seem to stop making a fool of myself. I turned away from him cheeks flaming, definitely not needing to see his reaction to my crazy blubbering.
“Hermione I…” He started his voice softer and huskier, the sound sending a shiver down my spine.
“Please don’t say it; I don’t think I can take it.” I hated the supplicating ring of my voice.
Suddenly I felt his warm hand on my cheek pulling my face so I was facing him and before I could protest his soft lips were on mine. Just as warm, as sweet as they had been on my dreams if not more, they ran lightly over my own caressing and teasing, soothing and igniting the need that has been my torment for the past few months.
His warm hands cupped my face, fingertips tangling on my hair and as they had before his lips wiped every other thought from my mind, I forgot everything that wasn’t this feeling of wholeness of finally being complete. The time spent apart slid like water along a crack, it was almost if he had always been here with me like this.
But he wasn’t, as soon as he bored again he would run off, leaving behind nothing but muddled thoughts and confusing emotions.
“Draco please…” The words a whimper against his lips.
“Shhh.” He shushed his thumb running lightly over my lips.
I hadn’t been this close to him in a while; he looked paler, sickly even dark shadows hang below his eyes giving the usual silvery gray of them a darker, haunted look.
“Are you ok?” I asked.
He kissed me again without answering, a quick spark of fire along my veins before he pulled away, resting his forehead against mine.
“I want you, more then I have ever wanted anything or anyone else and because I care I have to stay away, I’m not good for you Hermione.” His whispered words burned in my mind.
“I don’t care…not anymore.”
“But I do. You’re meant for great things and I can’t take that away from you, you need someone like Weasley, someone who won’t hold you back, who won’t close doors for you.”
“Who says tha-.” I began to deny his words but he cut me off.
“I’m a death eater’s son Hermione; nothing we can say or do is ever going to change that.” I knew he was right, if Ron’s reaction was any guide to what would happen if he and everyone else found out what actually went on between us, no amount of explaining would make things right again.
“I’m sick of it all.” I can help but imagine that things would be much different if war was not such an immediate threat.
“Yes, so am I.” He answered, silvery eyes staring into my own. “I needed to say good bye.”
“What? Why? Where are you going?”I asked his words shocking me, he couldn’t leave I needed him, I needed to see him at the very least, to know that he was safe, alive and breathing.
“Nowhere for the moment, but I don’t think I’ll be coming back next year and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to see you before the year was out. So I’d rather take this opportunity to talk to you one last time.”
Tear began to fall faster this time and I made no effort to stop them.
“No please don’t cry Darling.” He soothed wrapping me in his arms, I buried my face on his chest trying to tattoo the memory of his scent into my mind, fresh and a bit spicy like peppermint or cinnamon. “You’ll be fine Hermione, you’ll be better off like this it’ll make things easier.”
When my sobs died down appeased by his warm embrace he cupped my face again kissing me one last time, it tasted bitter sweet the thought that I would never savor the sweetness of his lips again pressing painfully against my chest.
Without another word he turned away from me making his way towards the door, suddenly I felt cold but I knew it wasn’t the weather; some vital part of me had left with him.
I let the door close behind me hurrying away lest I allow the temptation to turn back and take her in my arms and never let go, win over me.
But it was for the best it’s only a matter of time before she’ll hate me, when she finds out what I’m about to do, she’ll be repulsed by the very thought of me. I’m doing this to keep her safe; she’ll help Saint Potter do whatever it is that needs to be done and hopefully put an end to this madness.
For now I will play my part as well as I can, keeping those that need me most save. I walk three times past the blank wall in front of tapestry of trolls in tutus, it’s only a matter of days and it’ll be fixed, a matter of days and my task will be finished.
One day maybe she’ll forgive my lies…my betrayal.
A/N: Yes, this is the end, the last chapter, I’ve never been sadder then when I was writing this so I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing this whole story. I want you to know that I do have a sequel planed I already have the lay out for the first chapter, It’ll be called “Speak of the Devil” and I’m hoping to make it longer than this particular story so If you have any doubts that weren’t answered in this chapter let me know and I’ll make sure to take care of them so as you see it won’t be the end for Draco and Hermione.
I first I want to thank all of you wonderful reader for you reviews and for having patience for me and my demented wonderings. As well as an enormous thank you to the validators and the staff of HPFF without them none of us would be here.
Please keep reading my stories and keep and eyes out for “Speak if the devil” I hope it will be as good as “Compromises” if not better.
Edited 01/20/10: Speak of the devil is now up, so run and check it out!
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