Chapter 25 : The First Name
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“It was like, the whole day was so surreal. It’s hard to believe it even happened!” Marley was gushing at us the next morning at breakfast. She couldn’t stop talking about the amazing time she’d had with Liam. “I still get butterflies every time I think about him kissing me goodbye.”
Marley let out a huge sigh and rested her head on her propped up hand.
“That sounds lovely,” Emilie said stabbing her leftover sausage and swirling it around in the syrup on her plate, making artistic designs that quickly melted back into a nondescript pool.
“You’re not even listening anymore Em,” Marley lifted her head and wrinkled her brow at Emilie.
“Well you have been talking about Liam all through breakfast,” Pippa shrugged.
“Oh,” Marley dropped her eyes and stared at her plate. “Sorry, I didn’t realize.”
“Don’t apologize,” I soothed her. “We’ve all gushed about a boy before.”
“Speaking of boys…” Emilie raised her head to look at me slyly. “How’s everything with Chris?”
“Fine,” I said lightly, taking a big drink of pumpkin juice.
“You’re regretting getting back with him, aren’t you?” Pippa stated boldly, staring right at me.
“No, I’m not,” I said carefully, setting my juice glass down. Pippa and Emilie gave me skeptical looks and I scoffed at them.
“I’m not, really.” I said defensively. “I’m glad to be back with Chris. It’s nice to have someone around again, you know? Not always feel so lonely…”
“Hmmm,” Pippa pursed her lips but turned the subject onto Adrian. “I have another date with Adrian on Friday. He won’t tell me what we’re doing though, he said it’s a surprise.”
“Well, that’s exciting,” Emilie shrugged. I could tell she was severely bored with this conversation.
“Ugh, we need to talk about something exciting,” I said getting up from the table. “Come on, we haven’t looked at the Confessional in a while…”
* * * *
194. I’m sick of being nothing but a pretty face.
195. I like to leave love letters in library books and pretend that you find one so you’ll finally know how I feel.
196. Do you remember what happened on the train? I wish that moment lasted forever.
197. I have a huge crush on Remus Lupin.
198. I want to break-up with my girlfriend.
199. I get angry at friends of mine when they fall in love - because I believe it will never happen to me. I'm jealous.
“I want to know what happened on that train…” Pippa grabbed the book and reread the confessions again.
“I bet there were like, getting it on,” Emilie giggled, elbowing Pippa in the ribs.
“People would have seen that… It must have been something else,” Pippa muttered, skimming the confessions yet again.
“I want to find one of those love letters!” Marley laughed. “Maybe there’s one in the library book I just checked out.”
“Are any of your concerned with the fact that Remus is named in here?” I asked, grabbing the book back from Pippa and pointing at confession #197.
“Oh,” Marley’s face fell. “ I guess that’s bad, isn’t it? They’re not supposed to use names…”
“I mean, I know we all talk about wanting to know who these are about but I never thought people would actually use names,” Emilie said seriously, a small crease forming between her eyes.
“Can you delete it, Lily?” Pippa asked, looking up at m.
“Not without deleting everything else,” I said, running my fingers over the ink-stained page.
“So what do we do?” Emilie asked.
“I guess we just leave it for now and hope no one else puts in names. I guess if they do we’ll just have to stick in a reminder note,” I said, handing the book back to Pippa.
“Hey, there’s a few more confessions on the next page,” Pippa said turning the page to reveal a several lines of script.
200. I can’t stop thinking about that kiss…
201. This is harder for me than it is for you…but I respect your decision.
202. I'm afraid everyone would be able to tell that my real confession was from me.
203. I saw Adrian Austen making out with a girl in the library last Saturday night.
Pippa paused when she read the last one and looked up at us with wide eyes.
“Another name,” Marley said quietly, sinking back on her bed.
I really hoped no one noticed how my breathing abruptly stopped as panic shot through me at that confession. Last Saturday was the Truth-or-Dare night with the Marauders. I had been the one kissing Austen in the library that night.
“And this one’s even about me,” Pippa said tersely, shoving the book away from her.
“What?” I asked, looking up sharply at her.
“That night last Saturday, remember? I passed you in the hall when I was going to meet Adrian in the library?” Pippa said absently as reread the confession.
I let out a massive sigh of relief when I realized I wasn’t the only one who made out with Austen that night. I could only hope that no more confessions about Austen appeared in the book.
“This is not good,” Emilie muttered. “If names keep appearing, this could get very messy.”
Marley and Pippa nodded in agreement but my thoughts had drifted back to a different confession:
200. I can’t stop thinking about that kiss….
* * * *
I got back to the Head’s Dorm later that night to get ready for hanging out with Chris. It would be the first time I’d be with him since we’d decided to give it another go. I couldn’t help but feeling anxious but I wasn’t sure where the anxiety was directed.
Since Potter and I had decided not to be friends I hadn’t felt quite at ease in the Head’s Dorm. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every time I went in there. I had spent most of the last couple days in the Gryffindor Tower with the Clique. I had only seen Potter when I would come back before rounds and I had to admit to myself that part of my anxiety over having Chris over was Potter being around.
In my bedroom I closed my door to change and do something halfway decent with my hair.
I stared in my mirror for a long time, slowly realizing that I wasn’t anxious about seeing Chris. At all. Which I found odd. When I dated him before, I would get butterflies in my stomach at just the thought of him. Now it was more like a half-assed gurgle. Although that could have been because I was hungry.
You’re an awful, awful person, Lily, I scolded myself. Why could I never be happy with what I had? Here I was, back with Chris and still thinking about Potter. There is something seriously wrong with me.
A knock on the portrait hole startled me out of my thoughts and I rushed to answer it. Chris’s face swam into view and at the sight of his heart-wrenching smile all thoughts of Potter were chased from my mind. All of my anxiety melted away when Chris stepped forward and laced his hands around the small of my back, kissing me lightly on the lips.
All of that worrying for nothing? Seriously, look up Lily Evans in the dictionary and it’ll direct you back to the word “idiot”. I really need to learn how to not stress about every little thing.
We sat in the common room for a long time, talking about almost everything. We delicately avoided any discussion relating to the break up, but we did however cover everything from Pippa’s new obsession with Adrian Austen to what we had thought of doing after we graduated.
When the portrait hole opened later that evening it startled us and I quickly moved away from Chris; we had been sitting quite close. I sat up on the opposite side of the couch from Chris, trying to compose myself. We hadn’t been doing anything other than talking, but I’d had my legs entwined with his while we held hands and talked in low voices in front of the fire.
Potter strode into the room, took one look at us, rolled his eyes and quickly locked himself in his room. That had become his usual entrance for the past few days whenever I’d been sitting in the common room doing homework. As much as I tried not to care what Potter thought or did, I couldn’t help the sick feeling I got in my stomach every time he did this.
Chris and I looked over at each other after Potter had slammed his door. I winced a little at the harshness of the sound, but Chris seemed unmoved by the display.
The portrait hole opened again and Holly entered her uniform skirt swishing flirtatiously as she walked. Potter emerged from his room as he heard her and to my complete disgust kissed her passionately on the lips. My stomach churned uneasily and I slid closer to Chris on the couch, twisting my fingers into his.
“I missed you,” I heard Potter mutter behind us. I glanced back and saw him brushing Holly’s golden hair away from her face as he tapped his nose to hers.
“But I saw you a few hours ago,” Holly giggled softly, kissing him again.
“I miss you whenever you’re not with me,” Potter cooed, making me want to vomit. I couldn’t let him win this jealousy game. Even if he didn’t feel anything for me anymore I could still make him incredibly uncomfortable. Forget being mindful of PDA. It’s on.
“Chris,” I purred seductively, making sure my voice was loud enough for Potter to hear. I reached my hand up to stroke the side of his face. “Why don’t we move to my bedroom? It’s more…private in there,” I flitted my eyes over to see Potter staring at me with his mouth slightly open. To put the icing on the cake, I leaned forward slightly and let my lips press softly to Chris’s. With his hands in mine I pulled him towards my bedroom and with one last satisfied glance at Potter, I closed my door.
* * * *
After Chris had left for the night I fell back on my bed, sighing loudly. I hadn’t meant for things to get that heated between us but the tension between Potter and I had been built up so much that I needed a release. We’d gone further than I ever had with him and now that he was gone I couldn’t tell how I felt about it. We still hadn’t gone “all the way” -- I’d stopped him carefully before it got that far -- but my head was still reeling from the intensity of our time together. It had only been a few days since we’d been back together and I didn’t want to move that fast.
I couldn’t help but feel a tiny twinge of guilt that I’d used Chris to get to Potter. As I lay on my bed I realized that I only let Chris go so far with me because I wanted Potter to feel the kinds of things I’d been feeling for the past month. I wanted him to be jealous. Not exactly proactive behavior in getting over him, but I wasn’t about to be another sulky girl he rejected. I wanted to show him that he meant nothing to me.
Unable to stand my racing thoughts anymore I grabbed my confessional book and headed out to the common room, sure that I’d heard Holly leave a while ago.
I flipped to the middle of the book where I had left off reading this afternoon with the Clique. There was almost a whole page of new confessions and I hungrily read them, craving the juicy gossip that kept this school interesting.
204. You think I haven’t told anyone about what we do. The truth is that at least 5 people know about it…
205. I only feel beautiful when I’m hungry.
206. Your PDA is OUT OF CONTROL.
207. If you asked me to marry you tomorrow, I would say yes.
208. My sister hates me because I got into Hogwarts and she didn’t. We’re pureblood.
209. Austen made out with two different girls that night in the library.
I could feel the color drain from my face at that last confession. Someone had seen me kissing Austen. Or one of the people there with me on that dare had ratted me out. Either way, this was not going to go over well.
Whether Pippa found out it was me or not didn’t make much of a difference at this point. She was going to be crushed when she read that he was going around kissing other girls.
The image of Pippa curled up on the couch crying herself to sleep stabbed painfully at my memory. I was trying so hard to wrap my head around the growing frequency of names appearing in the book while at the same time mentally preparing myself for Pippa’s reaction that I didn’t even hear when Potter came out of his room and sat in one of the armchairs by the fire.
His voice startled me from my thoughts and I realized that he had been speaking to me, asking me something.
I looked over at him, sheer panic written plainly across my face, I’m sure, and was startled yet again to see that instead of looking cold and emotionless as I had grown used to over the past week, he almost looked concerned.
“You’re white as a sheet. What’s wrong?” He asked cocking his head to the side as his face relaxed into an almost-worried expression.
For a split second I actually considered telling him, wrapping my shaking arms around him and crying. I wanted to be comforted and told that everything would be alright—but no, I couldn’t. I could recall all too clearly the night he said we couldn’t be friends. Telling him anything right now would cross that line and those were feelings that I did not want to revisit.
“Nothing,” I responded coldly, turning my back on him and escaping to my room.
Closing the door quickly behind me, I leaned back against it letting my head rest against the cool wood.
“ Everything,” I whispered to my empty room. And then I cried.
A/N: Hey guys! New chapter yay!!!! Ok so I know it's kind of a downer, the next couple chapters should kind of pick up again. Hope you liked it! Leave a review!!!
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