I stared at the poison green vial of potion in my hand, tears already welling in my eyes as I came to terms with what I was about to do. It was a horrible colour, murky and dark green. I wasn’t going to find comfort here. I wasn’t going to like this one bit.
I never thought I would have to make this choice.
I was always Rose, the swotty little Gryffindor princess. I was unusually shy and quiet and, as a result, I had few friends outside my family. The library would be considered empty without me and my cousin James always joked I’d be more likely marry Hogwarts: A Revised History than any man...no matter how many hexes I aimed.
And then along came Scorpius Malfoy. To be completely honest, I hadn’t really paid much attention to him up until he asked me to Hogsmeade in fifth year. Albus Potter, my cousin and best - only - friend, had pretty much nothing to do with him, so there was really no reason for us to even be friends. But when he asked me out that fateful day in autumn, I found myself unable to say no. So I agreed.
He was everything I wasn’t but he was everything I wanted. He was opinionated, loud, obnoxious, charming, witty and unbelievably good looking. I wasn’t ugly, but I was nothing compared to his striking beauty. All whites and golds, he could have had anyone and he chose me.
Our relationship was volatile from the start. He brought out a side of me I’d never even realized I had. With him, I was angry and passionate and outspoken and for the first time, I worried about myself - my looks and how I should act and what I should do. It was all so new and exciting and in a little more than three months I found myself completely in love with him.
Two years on, in our seventh, we decided to move our relationship to the next level. Sex. Upon finding the Room of Requirement in our previous year, we already had the perfect place. It was everything your supposed to think of your first time; moving, romantic, slow, awkward, awkward, awkward.
But, I’m sure neither of us expected this.
What were we thinking?
Tears spilling down my cheeks, I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself and ward of any hysteria that was sure to come. I closed by eyes, willing that cursed memory of the that stupid pink tick on that stupid plastic stick to fade away.
Time. That’s what I would give anything for. He said he supported my decision, but I could see the hesitation on his face, even as he said it.
“Are you sure you want this, Rose?” he asked softly, his hands cupping my face as tears slid down my cheeks. “I’ll go along with anything you want, you know that right? Anything you want and it’s done.”
I shook my head, eyes downcast. I couldn’t face him. “I want to do this, Scorpius. We can’t raise this baby by ourselves.”
He tilted my face, enough to force me to look into his eyes. They were dark and brooding and there was a funny little emotion that I wasn’t willing to identify. “Rose, you know that isn’t a reasonable excuse - if you want this, then I’m there, one hundred percent behind you -”
“I don’t want this baby,” I whispered, my voice frightened. I knew it sounded selfish and I almost regretted saying until his face slumped - then I wished I was dead.
He didn’t want to do this - as much as we knew we couldn’t raise a baby without burdening everyone we cared about, we both did not this to be our only option.
My only option. He, I suspected, would rather not go through with what I was about to do.
I watched the potion slipped lazily along the vial, the awful feeling in my gut tightening. I was a reasonable girl - I knew my family wouldn’t disown me. Sure, they’d be angry but I couldn’t see them ever completely rejecting me...could I? No, of course not. They loved me.
I could face the harsh truth in front of me - I was scared and I was being selfish. There was a high chance this baby would ruin me - ruin my future, keep me from achieving my full potential. I knew all too well it was a selfish decision, but I wasn’t going to risk it.
Before I could reconsider, I chugged down the potion. It didn’t even hurt - not that I expected it too. A pulse of green light around my stomach and it was over.
Standing shakily to my feet, I tried to control my breathing. The tears were streaming face now, but I ignored them. I was numb; I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak and I could barely stand. Concentrating with everything I had, I unlocked the stall with shaky hands and walked out of the bathroom. It was a strange feeling - like I was watching myself outside my body.
And there he was; standing outside the door, posture rigid, face a mask of concern and worry. My composure snapped like a rubber band wound too tightly, emotion exploding to the surface; the out-of-body experience came crashing down and I was all too aware now. I felt my legs fall out from underneath me, sobs wrenching out of my throat as my frustration, anger, disappointment and disgust for myself all overcame me.
He caught me before I fell though, and wrapped his arms tightly around me as I buried my head in his warm chest. Sobs wracked my small frame as I cried and his arms tightened even closer around me. “You did the right thing,” he said, his voice tight with reigned in emotion.
I noticed he didn’t say I had done what was right.
I knew it was never going a decision I was proud of nor one I would ever want to make again. But couldn’t be a decision I would regret - however much I would regret taking a life, I would never take it back.
This would always be my choice.
And if this is what I need to do, I asked myself, breathing Scorpius’ scent in deeply, then why did it hurt so much?
It was just one of those decisions we have to make.
A/N: I tried to be as sensitive as I could for such a delicate topic. Thanks for reading.