Chapter 3 : Truth or Shiny Things
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THIS IS NOT THE REAL THIRD CHAPTER.
It is the fourth chapter, but HPFF won't accept my third chapter because my "submission was not considered a story" due to its format. Oh well. :((
This story probably won't be updated for another month or two as Tessa and I are in entirely different states right now, with her at CNU and myself at NYU. While this separation brings us great sadness, we will be reunited over Winter break and will hopefully bring to life the skeleton of the next chapter we have now. So do not despair!
Thanks so much for your reviews, as always!
The next morning passed with nothing of consequence because the writer is too lazy to think of filler. By that evening, Sirius was thoroughly bored with his new girlfriend and his current situation. He gathered his five fellow protagonists together to come up with a solution for the glaring tedium.
“Let’s play Truth or Dare!” Melanie shrieked. The others blankly stared back at her. “Don’t tell me you don’t know how to play Truth or Dare,” she scoffed, “We always play it in America! You Brits are so behind the times…”
(Insert long-winded game explanation here.)
Once everyone was properly informed of the rules of the game, Sirius began spinning in furious circles with his eyes squeezed shut in order to select the person who would administer the first truth or dare.
This method of selection proved to be more than a little dangerous; Sirius became a bit over-enthusiastic with his position as selector and spun in circles so rapidly that he ended up smacking a random fourth year full in the face, knocking over two tables, and somehow setting the drapes on fire before falling haphazardly over the back of the couch. This fall also caused Sirius to wallop James in the back of the head and send his glasses soaring towards Beth’s cavernous cleavage. The poor spectacles where saved just before they where sucked into the yawning abyss by Remus, who happened to walk in front of them at the last second. James glared down at Sirius as he accepted his glasses from Remus, who looked shocked, either at because he was just struck by flying glasses or because it had caused him to briefly lunge forward into Beth‘s chest and quite accidentally cop a major feel.
“I gather that makes me first” James said coolly.
Sirius grinned and righted himself so he was no longer half in James lap and half on the floor before nodding enthusiastically. Completely ignoring the chaos behind him as students crawled from beneath toppled tables, the fourth year cried out that their nose was most definitely broken, and the drapes where consumed by fire, James glanced around the group before shoving Sirius onto the floor, enabling him to drag Jasmine across the couch and into his lap. He arranged his features to be as horribly sappy as possible before speaking.
“All right Snuggly-Poo, Truth or Dare?” James cooed to Jasmine, eyeing Lily every word or two to gauge her reaction.
“Truth it is, Sunshine Muffin! Alright, let’s see… Do you loooove me?” He dragged out the word unnecessarily to make the statement all the more aggravating. Sirius groaned; Remus looked as if he were about to grab his Uzi again. Jasmine screwed up her face in concentration.
“Umm… Like… Umm… refrigerator!” she gasped suddenly, clapping her hands in delight at the looks of utter horror on the six faces staring back at her. Satisfied with her answer, Jasmine turned to Sirius and gasped again.
“OHMIGOD TRUTH OR DARE?!”
Sirius jumped in fright at her outburst of stupidity. “Uh… Dare?”
Jasmine thought long and hard, her face turning various shades of purple during the process due to the abnormal amount of brain activity. She gasped.
“I, like, dare you to, like, shave your, like, head!” she giggled after gasping again.
“Eh, fair enough,” Sirius shrugged, taking the razor Beth had discovered in her cleavage. He worked slowly, watching his long flowing raven locks fall to the floor one by one until nothing remained of his pride and joy but a crumpled pile of hair on the common room rug.
“I can’t, like, believe you, like, actually, like, did that!” Jasmine gasped. Sirius did not reply, but simply pulled his wand from his back pocket and pointed it at the follicle pile. As he flicked his wand gently upward, the hairs returned to their former position on his flawless head. Jasmine gasped.
“Oh yeah, I forgot we can do magic,” James mused, ignoring his girlfriend’s incessant gasping, “Do you think we’ll ever use it again in this story?”
“Probably not,” Sirius replied knowingly, before turning his attention to Melanie. “You… uh. You…girl, with the name…”
“I PICK DARE BECAUSE I’M FROM AMERICA AND THAT OBVIOUSLY MAKES ME OUTGOING,” Melanie pulled her emergency spangled banner from Beth’s bosom and waved it vigorously, staring at Sirius with a patriotically crazed expression.
“Uh, right. I dare you to… dance like the slut you so obviously are for the entire common room,” Sirius challenged, and the occupants of the now-destroyed Gryffindor tower cheered in response despite their various wounded appendages and second-degree burns. Melanie smiled confidently, returning her flag to its previous residence, and produced an iPod in its place, much to the confusion of the entire population of the 1970s. Setting it to shuffle, she settled on Britney Spears’ 2001 hit song “I’m A Slave 4 U” and began to dance provocatively amongst the cushioned armchairs.
Melanie climbed atop the only remaining standing table and threw off her glittering lavender robe revealing a bright orange tube top and low slug jeans that were unsuccessfully hiding her thong. The reveal of her scantily clad body only had an effect on Remus, who buried his head in a book, unable to process the reveal of so much skin at once in his hormone-clouded, British-school-boy mind, and chose to view the dance in short glances over the pages.
The others appeared nonplussed by the strip tease ensuing in front of them, as Sirius yawned widely and contented himself to stare at Beth’s chest, and James continued to mutter annoying pet names at Jasmine (though he now abandoned any attempt to be subtle about the reason he had Jasmine in his lap and was blatantly staring at Lily, not even bothering to look at his girlfriend as he spoke). Lily, who was trying as hard as possible not to have any dialogue in this chapter, was regretting her involvement in this ulteriorly motivated game. She fidgeted uncomfortably in her spot on the rug between Beth and the empty space previously occupied by the pole-dancing Melanie, trying to process the complexities of her now-girly, non-James-hating new self. Her eye twitched involuntarily at every sappy nickname that fell upon her ears as the Casablanca theme song replayed over and over in her befuddled mind.
The song came to a close and the members of Gryffindor tower hooted wildly. Melanie jumped down from the table and walked to her iPod, picking it up and selecting another song.
“You guys want another show?” she asked, flipping her shining ebony hair over her shoulder. Her captive audience began a steady chant of ‘Take it off!’.
She looked around at the rest of the group, who all chose to ignore her completely except for Moony, who raised his head above his book to state in his most proper British accent: “Crank that shit.”
Melanie reclaimed her place on the table as “Gold Digga” began to pound out of the speakers. After three more songs and a few twenties shoved into her thong Melanie stepped down from the table for good to actually rejoin the game.
“Thanks for the useless, American, muggle currency!” she cried, waving the twenties in the directions of her now dissolving audience before she turned to choose the next player. Remus cowered behind his book, causing her sparkly pink eyes to alight upon him.
“Remus! Truth or dare?” she asked, forcibly removing the book from his grasp and tossing it across the room, where it stuck the fourth year with the broken nose full in the face again, giving him a brilliant black eye to match his bloody olfactory organ.
“Truth?” Remus replied timidly, accompanied by a loud groan from Sirius.
“Come on, Moony. Stop being such a woman,”
“Okay,” Remus conceded, removing his bustier top and long brunette wig and stowing them away in Beth’s shirt, “Dare,”
Melanie adjusted her sparkling purple robe on her slender shoulders and searched her mind for the most embarrassing, humiliating, mortifying, revolting, out-of-character dare she could come up with. Then it hit her like a bolt of electricity from Remus’ half-constructed torture chair under his bed. She gasped, which in turn caused Jasmine to fall into a gasping fit only remedied by James giving her a watermelon sucker from Beth’s extensive cleavage.
“I dare you to kiss Sirius!” Melanie shrieked amid the many looks of bewilderment now aimed in her direction due to her avid shrieking and the ludicrous suggestion. “Come on guys, it’s perfectly acceptable in America,”
Sirius and Remus looked at each other in purely platonic horror.
“But we don’t wanna…”
Suddenly, two girls burst through the portrait hole as all attempt at self-restaint was broken.
“Who are you guys?” questioned Remus. Paige shuffled her feet and looked down at the lion embroidered into the carpet.
“Oh , okay," replied Sirius, looking relieved before he was stuck with puzzlement."Wait, how did you get into our common room?”
Tessa was quick to intercede.“Hey, who’s writing the story here, Black? Just kiss.”
“But-” Sirius protested, but Paige abruptly cut him off.
“Come on, you guys are being so totally ook in a way not ook story.”
“Yeah, I mean- wait, ook?” Tessa turned and cocked an eyebrow at Paige, who was quick to defend herself.
“Yeah, you know, ‘ook’, like ‘o-o-c’?” she said plaintively. Tessa just shook her head sympathetically.
“Um… random Ravenclaws so desperately in love with us that they live vicariously through our fictional lives, can we get back to the current situation?” Remus said, still trying to figure out how two girls with no magical power, not to mention sanity, had ended up in their fictional world.
“Oh, yeah right. You two were about to enjoy a passionate, romantic kiss.”
“Or snog, as the Brits like to say,” Paige added with a crazed grin. Sirius began to protest.
“But we aren‘t-”
“If you don’t, millions of desperate fan girls everywhere will cry.” Tessa said matter-of-factly, crossing her arms in from of her and looking down at the two expectantly.
“Fangirls?!” Sirius asked excitedly, looking around at the dozens of delusional teenage girl who had just popped their heads out from the curtains, the fireplace, and every other convenient place to spy. Remus shifted nervously.
“Well I certainly don’t want to make anyone cry…”
As the fangirls disappeared back into the curtains, Sirius turned to Remus slowly, studying his expression of suppressed passion (a stark contrast to the horror-stricken one that had preceded it). Remus reached out timidly and brushed his fingertips over the smooth skin of his friend’s jaw, transfixed by the subtle curve of the lips, the dignified rise of the cheekbones. He allowed Sirius to take the lead, giving himself over to the newfound urges coursing through his body as a strong arm snaked its way around his waist and pulled him close. Their eyes met, sparkling with desire, and time seemed to halt in the moment lids slid closed and lips slid together, sending them tumbling into fervent bliss. Competing sensory inputs catapulting through their bodies, Sirius and Remus gave to each other the darkest secrets of their hearts, burning brightly in the sea of passion contained between their entwined arms.
As they broke apart, Sirius gazed in wonder down at Remus’ own shining eyes, both coming to the same glorious conclusion.
“I have no sexual attraction to you whatsoever,” they muttered simultaneously.
Sirius returned to his seat nonchalantly, as though it were perfectly normal for a straight male to snog his best friend senseless and then return to staring at a woman’s bosom. Remus cleared his throat to snap James, who had watched the entire spectacle in silent horror, back to the game. Focusing his attention on Beth, who chose ‘truth’, Remus voiced the question that had been weighing on everyone’s mind for the entire duration of the chapter.
“Are those real?” he asked, gesturing towards her chest sheepishly.
“Well, of course they are. What kind of girl do you think I am?” Beth replied, toying with the several million dollars worth of diamonds dripping from her necklace. “Daddy likes to spoil me.”
“I don’t have a Daddy!”
Melanie broke into a fake chorus of sobs, only ceasing the lamentation of her dearly departed father once Sirius stopped looking in his compact long enough to pat her consolingly on the head. After that, she was fine.
“Whose turn is it again?” Beth asked, remembering the whole point of the chapter. “Oh, right. Mine,” She turned an icy azure indigo cornflower cerulean sapphire blue eye in Lily’s direction. “Say, Lils… Truth or Dare?”
Lily begrudgingly delivered her first line of dialogue in this chapter.
Beth smiled evilly. “I think we should make this a bit more interesting…” She produced a bottle of extremely rare and extremely illegal Veritaserum from in between her boobs and tackled Lily to the ground, viciously forcing the crystal clear potion down her best friend‘s throat. Dusting herself off matter-of-factly, Beth dealt the fatal blow.
“What do you think of James?”
Lily, who had been moments away from duct-taping her mouth shut to avoid any further verbalization in this chapter, blurted out the answer like a whore in church.
“I think he has become rather sensitive, caring and morally-centered.. And his visage is quite aesthetically pleasing!”
And then Lily Evans did the only thing appropriate for a free-thinking, intelligent, independent woman such as herself to do after just revealing her wanton not-hate for someone most definitely deemed entirely hate-worthy. She ran.
The spectacularly tactful Sirius was the first to break the silence.
“So… now that we’re on the topic of confession… I’m sorry Melanie, but I’ve just been using you to fulfill my manwhore urges while biding my time thinking of a way to attract the sluttier and blonder Beth.”
“You’re breaking up with me?”
“After all we shared?”
“We’ve been going out for like, eighteen hours.”
“I thought I meant something to you!”
A loud smack resounded through the common room as Melanie introduced the back of her hand to Sirius’ face. She then turned on her heel, pop-lock-and-dropped it, and, sobbing, pirouetted her way out the portrait hole.
“I can’t believe you think I’m a slut!”
Beth had risen in fury from her seat next to Lily. She looked wild and crazed, like an ferocious Amazon woman preparing to feast on the flesh of a captured computer science nerd, but very prettily so. She rushed at Sirius and clubbed him upside the head with one of her adorable patent leather peep-toe pumps. Beth then followed the trend of the two other girls before her and hobbled out of the common room sans shoe, as Sirius was now clutching it in his hands looking thoroughly delighted.
Jasmine, completely ignorant of the utter chaos unfolding before her due to her blatant stupidity, had just noticed the rather pleasing visual effects the light from the fireplace made on the large windows, and proceeded to run towards the nearest one at full speed. Before any of the remaining three onlookers could distract her with a cookie, Jasmine leapt through the eleventh story window with a deafening crash, belly-flopping into the darkness below.
James, on the other hand, was completely unconcerned about his free-falling love interest and was preparing to sprint off after Lily. Remus’ voice snapped him back to the current situation.
“Mate, aren’t you going to check on you’re girlfriend? I think she’s dead…”
“Oh, yeah, right…” James rushed to the window sill and yelled out into the darkness, “I’m sorry it had to be this way, it’s not you, it’s me!!” He then whirled around and hurtled after his new love interest.
Sirius and Remus stood awkwardly alone in the vast common room. They turned to face each other, staring deeply into the other’s eyes.
“I call the blonde!” Sirius shouted, racing out the portrait hole with Remus at his heels, who was off to console Sirius’ now ex-girlfriend and hopefully initiate some hot, passionate werewolf sex.