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Klutzinator by Burnt Cheese
Chapter 8 : Near Death Experiences Are Not Pleasant
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 34

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*Smiles apologetically* Chapter image will be added later.

Oh, and I've only just realized my story lacks a disclaimer. Well, HP obviously doesn't belong to me, it belongs to JKR, la di da you know the drill.

Quidditch Pitch

I知 dying.

Oh Merlin, I知 dying. I知 about to expire not-so-peacefully right in the middle of the sodding Quidditch pitch. I can think of far better places to breathe my last but I suppose the Quidditch pitch will have to do, seeing as my legs are no longer functioning. And to think I haven稚 even said my final goodbyes to my family. They池e going to be completely devastated. With the exception of Hugo, obviously. He値l probably just go, 前h, Rose is dead? Hmm. And shrug. And forget all about me. My OWLs aren稚 done yet, I haven稚 achieved my childhood dream of being the first ever Hogwarts student to take eighteen (maximum number) of subjects for my NEWTs, I haven稚 yet had my first kiss Shit, I知 dying a lip-virgin. How sad is that?

選知 dying. I announced to no one in particular.

鮮o, you池e not. Malfoy said calmly.

選t痴 your bloody fault I知 dying! I screeched, Malfoy痴 preposterous reply giving me enough outraged strength to shriek at him. 塑ou made me run around the pitch about a million and one times.

閃ore like two, actually. Malfoy snorted with laughter. 選 see we値l have to work on your stamina, too.

I groaned, and rolled over to my side, the late afternoon sun beating mercilessly onto my neck and back. 全ave me. I said feebly. Okay, right, so it was only two rounds. But the Quidditch pitch is really, really big. And I'm not a runner. Plus, as I知 the Klutzinator, I fell down about thirty-one times (Malfoy was kind enough to keep count). I had countless bruises all over my legs, one of which had taken the wobbly, blotchy shape of a crippled goblin痴 silhouette. I was still trying to catch my breath. It痴 a wonder I知 still alive. Just barely, though. Still hanging in there. What was I thinking, running about telling everyone I was going to learn how to play Quidditch? I obviously don稚 have a single ounce of athletic talent in me. I hate running. I hate Quidditch. I also hate Scorpius Malfoy, who was currently bending over me and smirking at my exhausted, sweat soaked state.

選 hate you. I croaked.

全ure you do, love.

I couldn稚 even summon up enough energy to glare balefully at him.

然ight, get up, Rosie. It痴 getting late. Malfoy hefted me up and I stumbled about, squeaking. 閃y legs aren稚 working anymore! I wailed, huffing and puffing.

Malfoy gathered up his bucket of golf balls and sighed at my pathetically trembly state. 践ere, let me help you. And before I could protest, he slipped a strong arm under my own arms and supported my weight. 腺etter?

塑eah. I puffed.


全orry was that your foot? I apologized hurriedly.

塑eah s弛kay.

We hobbled awkwardly along, walking out of the Quidditch pitch.

全o, you still want to learn Quidditch? Malfoy kept his eyes trained on Hogwarts, studiously not looking at me. 選 won稚 blame you if you don稚 want to you池e obviously not very cut out for Quidditch. He chose his words carefully.

薦r . Well, do I still want to learn Quidditch? I probed around the deep, dark caverns of my mind, contemplating thoughtfully. 選 suppose I値l give it a few more goes.

Malfoy turned around and smiled. I looked back nervously. 詮antastic卵


Both our heads whipped around. To my utter horror and dismay, the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team were heading in our direction, presumably towards the Quidditch pitch Malfoy and I had just recently left. I watched, transfixed in terror as James (he痴 Captain of course) stepped forward, eyes taking in Malfoy痴 arm around me. His face slowly turned white, then red in the space of an alarmingly short time. Hugo, Albus and Fred were there, all of them with identical expressions of catastrophic shock on their faces. The rest of the Quidditch team looked on, practically radiating hostility.

Shite. I知 toast. Not that gently burnt, buttered, delicious type of toast, oh no. The toast I知 talking is that horrifying charred, completely black sort, the sort you have to use a fork to scrape out of the bottom of your toaster. The sort of toast not even starving crows would go near. Yeah, that kind of toast. When I shot Malfoy a flustered look, I saw he only looked faintly annoyed.

糎hat Malfoy and Rose eh? Albus spluttered, pointing accusingly at me.

閃alfoy! James bellowed, going positively puce. 賎et your filthy hands off Rose!

Malfoy cast him a disinterested look, which, of course, only served to inflame James even further. 選f you say so.

糎ait嵐 Malfoy痴 arm slithered away and I staggered around, losing my balance.

然ose! What the bloody hell are you doing with him? Fred cried disbelievingly. Hugo痴 eyes were bulging so much I feared they壇 pop right out of their sockets and plop down to the grassy ground.

薦xplain! James hollered, shaking his fist in fury.

遷ames! Calm down. I rolled my eyes at my temperamental cousin he has a tendency to meddle in matters in which he has no concern. For example, the time Victoire and Teddy were kissing at Platform 9 セ and James told everyone. Or the time Lily finally got a boyfriend and James nearly killed himself when he found out.

舛alm down! James squealed in horror, as though I壇 just requested that he rip off his Quidditch robes and give Malfoy an erotic lap dance. 践ow can I when he柚alfoy嵐 apparently, no word in James vocabulary could properly describe this heinous crime Malfoy and I had apparently committed. Although that痴 not saying much. Hee hee.

Malfoy and James promptly had a glaring match. Rather brave of Malfoy, considering James is two years older than him. I dunno. Maybe Malfoy might be able to knock him out in a Muggle brawl.

践onestly, James. I sighed, picking myself up shakily.

船id he hurt you? Are your legs hurt? What痴 wrong with you? James demanded.

賎ah. Look, I was on my way back to Hogwarts when I tripped on some bloody rock and Malfoy just happened to be passing by, alright? And he was kind enough to pick me up and help me back to the castle. That痴 all there is to it. I lied so smoothly I surprised myself. Usually I can稚 lie to save my own sorry arse. I felt, rather than saw, Malfoy痴 head turn towards me expressionlessly. Merlin, he sure does act differently when other members of the Potter-Weasley clan are around. Wonder why that is?

前h, you just tripped, yeah? Albus snorted derisively, crossing his arms.

禅hen how come you can稚 walk? Lucy Thomas, who was at the very end of the group, piped up very helpfully.

践ow credible. Some Chaser on the team named Ladilas Krystic said dryly.

選 sprained my ankle falling. I explained, huffing a little to make it more convincing. On the inside, I was shaking and blubbering and just begging for them to buy it. Fuck fuck fuck

Albus and Fred looked slightly abashed. 薦r. Fred said sheepishly.

選s this true? James shot at Scorpius. Scorpius nodded shortly. 践e didn稚 謀idn稚葉ouch you or anything, did he?

Good God! What in the name of Merlin痴 saggy buttock cheeks is wrong with James?

鮮o! the both of us protested simultaneously. Although I said it with considerably more indignant passion, Malfoy muttered it half-heartedly.

塑ou lie! Hugo cried.

選知 fine, alright? I sighed. 塑ou lot are reacting in an extremely immature and exaggerated way. Look, all he did was help me up. That痴 it. As if I would let a Malfoy touch me like that. I tried injecting as much Gryffindor venom in the last sentence as possible, and it seemed to work. James visibly relaxed. Out of the corner of my eye, I couldn稚 help but notice that Scorpius turned around abruptly when he heard my words, as though stung. Might致e just been my imagination, though.

James strode over and pulled me to my feet brusquely. 糎ell . he seemed lost for words. 遷ust make sure you stay well away from Rose after this, Malfoy. James said 溺alfoy the way one would say 堵enital-eating sexual disease. 舛知on, Rose. I値l bring you up to the castle. You lot head over to the Quidditch pitch first. Practice that second version of the Nargle Formation, yeah? James put a lot of emphasis on the 的値l. Scorpius face yielded nothing, though his jaw tightened just a little bit. 全ee you. He muttered, and loped off.

選 bloody well hope not! James bawled in retaliation. I gave him a sound punch on his upper arm, wriggling away. The muscles in my calves had returned in full force. I had to admit, I was furious. 糎hy did you have to act like such a tosser? I said loudly. James looked at me dumbly. 然ose, are you defending him?

選知謡ell, no, but預rgh! I let out a small scream of frustration.

糎hy池e you so sweaty? James eyes looked over me, confused. 羨nd there痴 some really nasty bruises all over your legs. Then his head shot up again, alarmed. 然ose, he didn稚 nothit you?

鮮o! You sodding arsehole! I groaned. 繕gh never do that again.

糎hat defend you? James protested indignantly. 然ose, that was Scorpius Malfoy ,in case you壇 forgotten. And謡ell揺ow was I supposed to know you壇 fallen down? He had your hands around you! Of course I was going to think that bugger was feeling you up. He痴 a Slytherin. He said, as though that explained everything.

前h, bloody hell. I moaned. 詮orget it. I知 going to get a bath.

賎ood. You seriously need one. You have grass all over your robes. James deftly plucked a blade off my soiled robes, peering closely at it. 践ey, is this grass from the Quidditch pitch? Why were you in the Quidditch pitch?

薦r用hew, I知 really sweaty. Bye, James! I rushed away, heart thudding furiously.

禅hat ankle feels all better now, eh? was the last thing I heard James shout at me before I disappeared into the huge, open doors of Hogwarts.


Gryffindor Girl痴 Dormitory

全o. Had fun at your Quidditch training, did you? Elisha said evenly, when I eventually got to the dorms. Almost immediately after I stepped through the messy threshold of our dorm, I stripped off in a hurry, peeling off my soaked clothes.

塑uck. Elisha wrinkled up her nose, tossing aside her copy of Witch Weekly.

塑eah, I had fun. I didn稚 smile.

糎hat痴 wrong?

Then, half-naked and slick with perspiration, I climbed atop of my bed and told Elisha everything.

槽 and now, I don稚 know if Scorpius値l still want to train me or not! I howled. 全tupid James he ruins everything. I swear, if I hadn稚 intervened, James would致e wrung his neck. What is with this stupid rivalry between Slytherins and Gryffindors? I finished, slumping down.

閃aybe because Slytherins are the biggest wankers and pricks on the face of earth? Elisha suggested.

糎ell not everyone of them are all horrible-like, yeah?

塑ou seem awfully protective of this Scorpius fellow. Elisha observed, pushing back her thick brown hair.

善rotective?棚 snorted with laughter. 善rotective! As if Scorpius needed protecting.

全o now you池e implying that he痴 macho and fit? Elisha asked.

糎hat the耀top twisting my words! I said. 塑ou know what I mean.

選 just get the feeling you池e getting awfully fond of Scorpius. Elisha rolled over in her bed, sighing comfortably.

鮮o! I知 not saying I loathe and abhor him or anything, but 吐ond is far too strong a word. Maybe 鍍olerable would be better. I mused.

羨 tolerable Slytherin. Elisha pondered this over. 糎hat an oxymoron.

I laughed out loud despite myself.

全o now you池e worried that Scorpius might not want to train you anymore? Elisha questioned.

銭ind of.

前ho. Elisha痴 cat-like smile grew. 前h ho. Yes.


鮮othing. Elisha sing-songed.

塑ou know how much I bloody hate it when you do that. Spit it out! I growled.

塑ou, my friend, fancy Scorpius Malfoy. Elisha revealed her earth-shattering secret. I burst out laughing. Rather unattractively, I should say.

禅hat is the single most ridiculous thing I壇 ever heard.

選s it, now? Elisha has this maddeningly knowing smile on her face. 詮unny, that.

選 do not fancy Scorpius Malfoy. I enunciated clearly, narrowing my eyes. 選 fancy Aaron Eckenhart. Repeat after me, Aaron Eckenhart.

塑es. Right. Elisha痴 smile didn稚 leave her face.

前h, sod off. I grumbled, throwing my sweaty clothes at her.



Great Hall

By next morning I知 miserable. Malfoy hasn稚 even looked at me since yesterday, and we壇 had Transfiguration and Care of Magical Creatures together. I致e tried valiantly to catch his eye, but no avail. All I see is the back of his fair-haired head. It痴 fairly obvious that he痴 completely lost interest in coaching me.

I sullenly shoved some wriggling Tarantula Treaties into my mouth, trying to catch Malfoy痴 eye from his table. Not an easy feat, considering the Gryffindor and Slytherin tables are on the far sides of the Great Hall.

閃orning, Rose嵐 Hugo, who was just about to slide in opposite of me, stopped short when he caught sight of my spoonful of soggy Tarantula Treaties. Hugo inherited Dad痴 irrational fear of all arachnids. Whenever a small, tiny spider come crawling, Hugo and Dad are usually the ones standing up high on a chair, squealing like little girls while either Mum or I exasperatedly swat the poor spider away with a rolled up Daily Prophet.

Hugo didn稚 relax until I finished the last of my Tarantula Treaties. 践ere預ll done, see? I tipped the bowl back to let him see. Hugo slid in. 閃orning. He mumbled.

閃orning. I greeted back, peering over Hugo痴 shoulder to spy on Malfoy. Wait擁s he looking! He is! He痴 looking! He熔h, wait, he isn稚. He痴 only saying hello to a curvy brunette tart that walked by his table. Maybe I can try to talk to him later in History of Magic?

糎ho池e you staring at? Hugo asked suspiciously. Luckily, James and Fred appeared before I could make up some half-baked excuse.

然ose. Both James and Fred had equal expressions of poorly concealed anger on their faces. 糎e have something to discuss with you. James said tightly.

糎hat? I said warily, already guessing what they wanted to confer about.

閃alfoy. They said in unison. Fred scratched the top of his head uncomfortably. 塑ou see, Rose, we致e come to a conclusion. Both of is mulled this over yesterday, and we think we know what you池e up to.

Oh shit. Shit shit shit. They know? 薦r. I stammered, busying myself in preparing an English muffin.

Hugo痴 mouth was hanging open, revealing a delightful mix of sultanas and oatmeal in his mouth. 糎ha痴 goin on? he asked thickly, swallowing.

James mussed up his raven hair, breathing deeply, as though trying to contain his infuriation. 選致e finally realized why you were defending him yesterday.

羨nd why we saw you two together. Fred burst out resentfully.

羨nd why you致e been rather distracted lately.

羨nd also why you致e been sneaking peeks at him during the classes we had with Slytherin yesterday. Fred added, lacing his fingers together, body all tense. Damn. I thought I was being discreet.

塑es, our small debate yesterday has brought us many answers. James said gravely, brows furrowed together.

糎ell? I mumbled, munching on the muffin.

糎e think that you池e having some ardent, passionate, torrid secret relationship with Scorpius behind our backs. Fred said, a tic working in his cheek.

Hugo and I choked in harmony. I swallowed my mouthful of dry muffin without chewing while Hugo has hacking up the whole grape he壇 accidentally consumed.

前h, you and your theories. I guffawed, honestly tickled. I mean, really. The very idea of a Weasley and a Malfoy having a relationship is utterly preposterous. That would be, quite literally, the last sign of the apocalypse.

Hugo痴 esophagus finally cleared. 鮮o way! he yelled. 禅hat痴 not true, is it, Rose?


James and Fred were evidently relieved at my reaction. 糎ell揚ood. James breathed. 腺ecause I壇 shove my fist up Malfoy痴 uptight arse if he ever started romancing you.

禅hank Merlin we池e not right. Fred exhaled noisily, relief evident.

践ow very nice of you, James, but it痴 never going to happen. Besides, I like someone else. I grinned, feeling massively reassured. James and Fred had gotten the wrong end of the stick. My secret was safe. For now, at least.

'Or is it you who fancies Malfoy?' Hugo asked, apprehensive.

told you, all I did was trip and Scorpius helped me up.

James head whipped around. 船id you just call him by his first name? he demanded.


全orry, slip of the tongue. I hurriedly covered up my mammoth mistake.

They still didn稚 look completely convinced.

糎ell悠知 off to History of Magic. I said hastily, and picked up my book bag, shoving a piece of cold toast in my mouth. My graceful, refined movements accidentally knocked over an open box of Tarantula Treaties. I didn稚 think much of it until Hugo started screaming his stupid head off. Those teeny, weeny chocolate-flavored spiders began scuttling around the Gryffindor table, clicking their tiny little pincers.

羨rgh! he shrieked in a surprisingly shrill and high voice for a fourteen-year-old who壇 already gone through purberty. 全piders! Fuck! Get them away!

践ugo. James said, amazed. 禅hose are edible.

People are beginning to stare and laugh. Hee hee. I almost feel sorry for Hugo. Almost.

賎et them away! he croaked in obvious terror, eyes as wide as planets and jumping up and down squeamishly.

They were still laughing when I left the Great Hall.


History of Magic

Picture the most uninteresting, tedious, dull, dreary, lackluster thing you致e ever done in your entire life (perhaps watching a gigantic block of ice melt in sub-zero temperatures? Or witnessing a bucket of water evaporate completely on a hot day?) . Now, multiply the boring-level by several thousand. Then you値l get a History of Magic lesson.

槽 Urgal the Ugly was the one who started the Goblin Revolution in 1209. Furrice the Fat was the only goblin foolish enough to oppose Urgal the Ugly Professor Binns droned on in his default one-octave voice, drifting about gently in mid-air as he taught. I use the word 鍍aught very loosely.

Half the class was already asleep by now, and the other half was trying desperately not to (most failing miserably). I was in the latter. As per usual, Professor Binns was completely clueless. 槽 and then, in 1230, twenty years after the first Great War of the Goblins, Urgal the Ugly imvaded Normandy and conquered the goblins

Merlin. Compared to Professor Binns, watching paint dry would actually be considered a fascinating and simulating activity. This (dead) man could put coffee to sleep.

I glanced to my right. Elisha was slumped over in her desk, head nodding and eyes closed tight. I glanced to my left. Iris was making a little pursed up mouth in her slumber, no doubt dreaming about snogging some bloke senseless. Sigh. Seems like I知 the only one still vaguely conscious.

To be honest, the only thing keeping me from sinking into a deep stupor was believe it or not Malfoy, of all people. He was still up and alert, listening attentively to Professor Binn. He still hasn稚 acknowledged me, by the way.

I heaved a sigh, dropping my quill and leaning on my arms. Apparently I壇 sighed a little too noisily, because Professor Binns stopped his deathly (if you値l excuse the terrible pun) monotonous lecture and glared. 然hiannon Warthog, is there a problem?

Rhiannon Warthog? Eh? Oh, wait,that痴 me. I wonder why Professor Binns can never manage to remember my proper name? Or anyone痴 proper name at that. And what kind of a surname is Warthog?

'No, Professor Binns.'

'Good...' he said vaguely. He's probably already forgotten why he decided to reprimand me. He continued on.

禅hen, in 1256, Urgal the Ugly died a respectable death, only to be succeeded by Poicker the Promiscuous, who fathered Ursula the Unbelievably Sexy


Ouch! What the feck was that?

My head shot up as something solid made contact with my sleepy forehead. Thankfully, Professor Binns didn稚 notice anything. I peered around curiously, and sawa small,crumpled piece of parchment sitting innocently on my desk. I looked up at Scorpius. His back was to me and he was still listening to what Binns was waffling on about.

I picked up the parchment and smoothenedit out.

Jogging tomorrow at six sharp, it said in an elegant script.

糎hassat? Elisha woke up blearily, squinting at the parchment in my hand.

鮮othing. I said, a grin breaking out on my face. Yes!

鮮othing at all. I repeated, crumpling up the small piece of parchment and shoving it in my robe pocket.

Author痴 Note: Yay! :D I honestly love writing this, I知 having lots of fun. So you guys get quick updates! Though the next chapter might take longer, I'm bogged down by exams at the moment.

Oh, and how awesome are HPFF's validators? The waiting queue for validation at my time of writing is only six hours long! That's amazing! :D *applauds enthusiastically*

Alright, next chapter in a few days, yeah? Gah, I知 convinced I知 going to fail my Chinese paper ):

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