When Edward Cullen Entered Hogwarts and Draco Malfoy Threw a Hissy Fit
Draco Malfoy enjoyed life. He received good grades. He was popular (among the Slytherins anyway, and did anyone else really matter? Pfft. Of course they did not.) Life at school was great, and his life at home was even better. Wherever he was, people would suck up to him and get him what he wanted. When he wanted it. And that was how it was supposed to be. Draco generally enjoyed his education - sure, Potter and his borderline retarded friends were a pain in the arse, but even they could be entertaining sometimes. (Draco would laugh at
them of course, not with them. Honestly.)
So, considering this, it wasn’t hard to see why he became beyond outraged when he one day came strolling through the hallways of Hogwarts…
“What’s all the fuss about over there?” Draco frowned, squinting his eyes in an attempt to see what or whom it was that was causing such an excitement by the entrance to the Great Hall.
“Dunno,” Crabbe replied with a shrug. “They better get out of our way though. I’m hungry as hell.”
Draco rolled his eyes. Sometimes he wondered if Crabbe actually only had one
brain cell. One very, very hungry brain cell.
“Pansy,” he demanded as he walked closer to the excited crowd of people with mostly girls, “what the bloody-“
“Draco!” she interrupted, looking irritated, “get away from me!”
Draco looked at her in utter disbelief and annoyance. “Are you telling me to get away from you!? You’ve been like a sodding superglue-plaster for the past YEARS! I’ve seriously been worried that you have invisible tentacles that you use to ensnare me!”
Pansy glared at him. “I don’t want him to think I’m not available!”
“You don’t want who
to think you’re not available?” Draco demanded, outraged, and several girls turned towards him and glared.
“Edward Cullen,” Pansy hissed, before turning her gaze back towards the arched entrance of the Great Hall.
Draco followed her gaze.
There, in the middle of swooning looking girls, stood a young man Draco didn’t know.
Or did he?
“Diggory!?” Draco choked out, staring in utter disbelief as he cursed himself for betraying his normal, composed self.
Sweet Salazar, if getting cursed to death by Voldemort himself did that
to a person’s looks, Draco wondered what the quickest way to piss the Dark Lord off could be. Maybe he could ask Potter to let him borrow his “How To Piss Off Vindictive Dark Lords” book. (Because surely Potter must have one of those, considering his not so peaceful relationship with Voldemort.)
Then, realising what he was actually thinking, Draco cursed himself for thinking something that preposterous. Why would he want to look like someone else? He was Draco Malfoy, for crying out loud; he had bloody Veela heritage! He wouldn’t allow a dead Cedric Diggory to upstage him. He strode forward, gazing into the pale face of the Hufflepuff. (Ha! A Hufflepuff, too. Please.)
“I’m not Cedric Diggory,” the other informed him in a quiet, mysterious voice and a heavy American accent.
Draco arched an eyebrow in disbelief, annoyed by the delighted gasps that escaped the girls around them when Edward Cullen (?!) had spoken.
“Is that so,” Draco drawled, “then are you going to explain why you look like him?” He crossed his arm defiantly across his chest, inspecting the other’s appearance. His hair was a reddish sort of brown; not quite like Cedric’s had been, but close enough. The eyes were black.
“I used to be called Cedric Diggory,” the pale young man began.
“And here I was,” snickered Draco, “thinking that the spiritual world was lame. You even get stage-names! Really though, Cullen, I must say that Cedric was a lot catchier.”
“I’m a Vampire,” Edward informed, as though that justified having a ridiculous name.
“Really,” Draco drawled. “How’s that working out for you?”
“Draco!” Pansy hissed, “stop being so rude!”
Draco turned to her and rolled his eyes. “He’s obviously lying! Vampires can’t be out during the day.”
Edward Cullen cleared his throat. “Actually, I can. But I...”
Draco looked at him, as though daring him to talk. “You what?” he challenged, scornfully.
Instead of replying, Edward stepped out from the shadows of the arched door of the Great Hall and into the daylight of the hallway.
Then, he sparkled
Beside him, Blaise Zabini let out an appreciative purr, and Draco shot him a disgusted look. “What are you doing?!” he barked at his friend, outraged.
“I’m dazzled,” Blaise replied dreamily, his dark gaze still fixed upon the sparkling (!) boy in the middle of the hallway.
“Blaise, ew, stop it!” Draco commanded in a snarl, before turning back to Edward.
“And YOU! You’re not a Vampire!” he sneered, “you’re... A sparkly dead bloke with, let’s face it, a ridiculous American accent! Now get away from the sun before I go blind over here!”
Gasps of outrage were heard within the mass of girls, and Draco rolled his eyes.
“Don’t you dare talk to him like that, Malfoy!” Susan Bones said, indignantly.
Draco smirked. “Ten points from Hufflepuff, Bones.” He cast a sideway glance at Edward Cullen, and added cheekily: “Actually, make that twenty points.”
“What! Why!?” Susan demanded with a spiteful glare, her hands firmly on her hips.
“Ten points you because you talked back to a Prefect,” Draco replied calmly, “and another ten because... I don’t like your sparkly Hufflepuff friend here.”
“Malfoy –“ Edward Cullen started, glowering at him through dark eyes which were narrowed in dislike, “If you don’t give back those points, I’ll-“
“- bite me with your nonexistent fangs? Sparkle me to death?”
Draco heard an appreciative snicker, and was surprised to see Potter’s sidekick Weasley grinning broadly from behind the newcomer.
“I have a proposition,” the Vampire offered.
Draco looked at him coldly. “I’m not affected by your otherworldly, dazzling glory,
Cullen,” Draco spat contemptuously, “so you better not offer me a snog.”
Edward looked horrified, and Blaise poked him in the ribs and hissed an enthusiastic ‘I’ll do it!’, but he fell silent at Draco’s murderous look.
“I was going to suggest a game at Vampire Baseball,” Edward Cullen continued warily as he looked at Blaise’s long, fluttering eyelashes, “but I guess a snog would
Several disappointed moans and one very excited sort of gasp from Blaise were heard, and Draco watched in disbelief and revulsion as his dark haired friend strode up to the Vampire, placing one hand gingerly upon the other’s arm, fixing the slightly taller boy with a predatorily gaze.
, Blaise,” said Draco with a shudder, “I know you haven’t gotten anything in awhile, but a dead guy? Really? Really
“He’s not dead, he’s a vampire,” Blaise sniffed.
“He sparkles. He doesn’t even have fangs. He’s a Hufflepuff with inferiority complex. What a catch.”
“Draco, enough with the Aloof, Unavailable Ice Queen act,” Pansy sighed. “If you can’t see the appeal of this man, there’s no hope for you.”
Draco snorted resentfully, as did Weasley. Ironic, really. Two hateful advisories united in their disapproval.
“Oh, I’m just a good actor,” he said sarcastically, “I’m really melting into a pool of Fan-girly goo, you know, on the inside.”
“Er,” said Edward Cullen.
“Oh, and so articulate
,” Draco continued loftily, clutching at his heart mockingly, “how could I ever resist this?”
Draco’s sarcasm was obviously completely lost on the Vampire, as he exclaimed; “I have a girlfriend, you know,” followed by possessive growl from Blaise and several disappointed sighs from girls, all of them looking like they wanted nothing more than to throw themselves off the Astronomy Tower at this heartbreaking revelation.
“Good on you, Cullen,” Draco yawned, “’cause I’ve heard that the World of the Dead is short on the hotties.”
“Perhaps you’ve seen her?” Edward inquired, looking around. “Her name is Bella, Bella Swan. She smells like your favourite dish and she should be somewhere around, possibly in a corner with a broken leg or in some other kind of predicament. Oh, and did I mention her great scent?”
“I guess you could check the Damsel-In-Distresserin’s common room,” said Draco, rolling his eyes. “If you have the password of course, Vampy.”
Edward rounded on him. “I need a password to get to Bella!?”
“How am I supposed to watch her sleep if I can’t get into her room?!”
“What is going on here?” issued Professor Snape’s voice from the Great Hall.
“Oh, great,” Pansy squeaked. “I was afraid this was getting awkward
“I must say I am quite concerned, Professor,” Draco said haughtily, gesturing towards Edward Cullen, “don’t you agree that Dumbledore is taking this whole acceptance thing a bit too far? Dead
half-breeds at Hogwarts? Really?”
“Vampires are not half-breeds!” Edward scowled, “we’re-“
“Whatever, Sparkly. This place only got place for one heartbreaker, and that’s me – Draco Malfoy.”
“Ha!” The Vampire exclaimed, “What’s so attractive about you
, if I may ask? Do you sparkle? Do you stare at girls whilst they sleep? I think not!”
Severus Snape, who had been forced witness this adolescence soap-opera, looked about as comfortable as you’d imagine Voldemort to look during a Christmas day in Hufflepuff’s common room, but no one took any notice of this; all eyes were on Draco.
“That’s not heartbreaker material, you creep!” Draco sneered, “That’s mental institution material!”
“How is sparkling mental institution material!?”
“Well, maybe not the sparkling,” Draco admitted, “that’s more gay-bar material.”
Blaise’s face lit up considerably at this, and Draco made a mental note to make sure he never had to be alone with him in the sleeping quarters ever again.
“And,” Draco continued smugly, “I will have you know that I am what you could call Young Man of Eternal Inwardly Suffering Masked by the Smirk of Complete Detachment, and that, Vampy, is something girls find very attractive. Now,” he finished with a dignified air, “I have some important business to attend to.”
With that, he gave the crowd a mock nod of courtesy, turned on his heel, and strode back towards the dungeons.
Later on, a magnificent Falcon flew past the Hufflepuff table at dinner and dropped an unsealed letter in the hands of Edward Cullen. It read:
My American friend Buffy Summers in Sunnydale is very fond of Vampires. As you might have figured, Sunnydale is a very light and peaceful place and you can sparkle all day long, if you wish. Your trunk is packed and your broomsticks are ready. You can bring your smelly girl, of course. Buffy will take great care of you once you get there.
AN: There it is! A crackfic of epic proportions; I hope you enjoyed it. And to all you hardcore Twilight fans out there - please, no flames. It's all good fun. To the rest of you, who enjoyed it or have another comment to make - please review! It only takes a second, and it means the world to me.
So, what do you say? TEAM DRACO? ^_~
AN II: UPDATE 1st of July 2010: Sequel posted, available at my author's page. It's called (I'm very original) When Bella Swan Entered Hogwarts and Hermione Granger Threw a Hissy Fit.