I know what I am to dad and by all means I have used that to my advantage in the past. Prematurely ending my grounding and upping my allowance have all been things that dad has stood strong against with my brothers, but no, I've had dad wrapped around my little finger for some time now. As long as I can remember actually. It just so turns out that you can't smile your way out of everything, I learnt.
So it began....
Ever heard of the underpants gnomes or Aunt Hermione's sense of humour? Well they don't exist and come under the category of Myths. Another myth? My father thinking boys and I don't mix. Boys and girls mix. Lily and boys mix. I particularly like one called Jackson Thomas. I won't get into detail about what activities constitutes as 'mixing' but needless to say, I can tell you that they definitely do but daddy doesn't necessarily know about it.
The problem with this, is when it comes time for an under-age witch to acquire certain potions or learn particular spells, it becomes an issue seeking them out. Especially when charms work isn't your forte, it's certainly not mine, and when you are not old enough to buy the potion you need. I expected a small amount of confidence when I approached my mother, whom is good at charms and over seventeen, however she seemed to find it way too hilarious to keep it to herself. Ha-ha-ha mum. Sooo funny.
Argh! First of all you need to understand a few things about my dad. He's Harry Potter and you know what that means? Simply, he defeated Lord Voldermort. Now I've met Caroline Clermont and do you know what? She complains that boys are intimidated by her father being Minister of Magic. Oh please. He sits behind a desk everyday and flicks through mundane parchments. Even though a lot of people admire my father, it seems as though the part of the population that I am interested in are shit scared of him.
One boy in particular who is afraid of Harry Potter – Jackson Thomas. Obviously this is an irritation but not an unwarranted one I have to admit. And not because dad defeated Voldermort but because dad had a mental and well... went mental.
Totally mum's fault because due to her demented sense of humor decided to tell dad that I wanted a contraceptive potion, or at least learn the charm. I didn't trust myself to get it right just by reading it from a book, after all.
...Actually now come to think of it, you can't see Jack any more...
...Jack go home.”
It was then that I told Dad no, I would see whom I liked and about the time my mother told me not to be dramatic and that's when the mental part started with...
“IF HE TOUCHES MY DAUGHTER I WILL HEX HIM!”
Of course Jackson fled and my dad killed my sex life... before it had even begun.
Now I can tell you when both of my brothers lost their virginities down to the day. I don't remember the dates per-se but I remember the day and how incredibly obvious it was. O-kay, James was obvious because he told Fred who told everyone and though I was too young to really care, I remember Albus. What's more, I remember my dad and his reaction.
And he gave them a beer.
He may or may not have realised that I knew what was going on but are you kidding me? A beer? And I'm grounded and forced into a life of chastity? Hell no!
I decided that no unreasonable father who grounds me for the rest of the summer is going to do this. It was a bit hypocritical and where was my beer? Even if I don't like the shit and still technically hadn't earned it yet, it was the principle of it. So I snuck out.
Boy oh boy did he go O.T.T when I got home. I don't think I need to elaborate too much. Just know he went a bit crimson and shook his finger a lot. And then shook it some more.
“YOU CAN NEVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND... EVER.”
“YES LILY, I MEAN THE FOREVER KIND OF EVER,”
“What are you going to do? Lock me in a tower?” It was meant as sarcasm. Apparently this is a foreign concept to my father.
“If I have to, yes! So you better start growing your hair Rapunzel! Otherwise you'll be very lonely in that tower that you think I'll lock you in. You're grounded as is...” Then my father turned insane. “...On second thought, you can't grow your hair past your shoulders.” He said as though it was his best idea ever. I walked off.
When your father gets dramatic, nuts and sadistic all in one night and ruins your life forever, and he means the forever kind of ever, you tend to be less than happy with him. I had muttered no less than thirty six times the following morning that I hated him to anyone who would listen, to some who didn't and even my to breakfast because I was sure my eggs would care. When I snuck out, I didn't have sex alright? But he didn't believe me and I couldn't believe how stupid he was being so there was a lot of disbelief floating through the house and so... I just kept muttering.
I also used words like 'wanker' and 'prat' and 'undesirable number one'. The last one got me sent to my room.
Once in my room, or cell, I decided I wouldn't come out until he apologised. Obviously my bedroom lacked facilities for eating or toilet habits but I tried anyway. Eventually mum came up and sat on the side of the bed and waited. She knows how I hate it.
“Don't talk to me like that Lily.”
“You started this whole mess. Why did you have to tell him?”
“Good one mum.” I gave her a sarcastic smile and a thumbs up. Yeh, thumbs up to ruining Lily's life just... because?!?
“Lily, he means well and you know what? Your father is freaking out. You're his little girl and he wants you to be his little girl forever.”
“Well I can't be. That wasn't my choice. Children grow. It's just the way it is.” I point out. There probably was a charm or potion that keeps kids as kids forever but I wouldn't dare mention it on the chance that dad overheard it and got ideas.
“He knows. It's just scary to think your baby won't need you any more.”
I shrugged. Like I can relate to that. I can't. I don't have babies so I certainly don't have one that's grown.
“Can I tell you something else?”
I shrugged again. She would tell me even if I said no so I didn't bother refusing.
“Your dad, up until just recently, always told me how much you remind him of me when I was younger.”
“So, that was probably all well and good until he realised that Jackson probably likes the same things about you as he liked about me, and you know what that means? He knows what Jackson is thinking about you. He also knows that they aren't exactly savory thoughts because he used to, maybe still does, thinks like that about me.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me.
“Argh mum I don't want to know.” I really didn't.
“Just because your father and I still...”
I cut her off there. I got it. I didn't need to know the gory details of my middle aged parents' sex life.
Mum's talk didn't get me any further than I was before but I had a little bit of understanding on my father's perspective.
So essentially I was back to the most basic strategy of Father Manipulation. Suck up = ends grounding. Ok, not the strongest form of manipulation however it's a proven theory. For the next two days I never once sulked in my room (dad hates it), I did the dishes each night even though I had set the table before dinner as well, bathed Hector the dog (whom is my dog and my responsibility however that usually just entails playing ball with him), cleaned my room, visibly did homework, helping mum with the washing, dusting the study (while dad was in there, so he actually knew), hassled James about eating his vegetables and acted my arse off to be nice to Dana, Albus' cow of a girlfriend whom I usually openly disliked.
So I performed like, nine or ten good deeds which I know doesn't sound like much but for a Potter child that's an unprecedented level of good behaviour – excluding Albus.
Then, I was sitting, reading my Standard Book of Spells (I actually did need to improve my charms work) when dad decided to lean over the back of the couch and read over my shoulder.
He shook his head and looked like he was actually reading the book.
“Dad, please don't read over my shoulder. It's highly distracting.” I said politely when I really meant 'Dad, it's really annoying. Go away.'
“Alright. Suppose you'll want to know though...” He said standing up straight.
I looked around at him hopefully. Lily you're not grounded. Lily you're not grounded. Common please!!
“...I know what you're doing and...”
Lily you're not grounded.
“...You really do need to work on your charms.”
Nine days after my father's mental and seven days after his 'you suck at charms' comment it became apparent that I was doomed to a summer of not only boredom locked in a tower with shoulder length hair but it was also possible that I would be the proud owner of a chastity belt any day now. James and Al had also taken to calling me Rapunzel at any chance. My life was over! In order to make my self feel a little better I tried to compose a list of reasons why chastity was good seeing as it was what got me into this situation in the first place.
One. Dad will be happy.
That's all I got. So I left it on the kitchen table. Snigger.
I was sulking in my room, as the parental types would call it, when I heard a knock on the door. Thing with sulking is, you can ignore everything. So I did. Thing is, with parental types, they come in anyway.
He knows my name. Clap clap dad.
“You missed lunch.”
“You left this on the table too,”
Correct again. He held up my 'Chastity Positives' list. I flicked my attention to it but looked away. To sulk is to be very casual about things.
“Dad will be happy?” He read it out loud.
I shrugged. I thought it was pretty self explanatory. I didn't comment so he sat on the edge of my bed.
“Lil...” he pleaded.
I flicked my attention to him for a moment.
“I'm not leaving until you talk to me. Do you really want to be grounded for the rest of the summer? I've quite enjoyed having a clean house. I'm not going to complain.” Dad has a bit of a short fuse.
“Then, I'm not going to clean it any more.” I mentally kicked myself. I really was bad at being the strong silent type.
“Fine.” I finished feeling totally miffed about the intelligence of the verbal spar that was usually reserved for between siblings. I guess, at the very least, we agreed on something.
We sat in silence for about eight minutes. Well, it was eight minutes; I slowly watched the clock tick from one-twenty-three to one-thirty-one. Eight tense minutes.
“I'm a little disappointed you couldn't think of at least four or five reasons to be honest.”
I frowned. I think he was joking. Kind of? I dunno. Seemed so. Either way, I didn't find it funny. “Well it's an honest list.”
“Still. Try for three.” He tried to hand me back the list.
“Like?” Though I didn't take the list
He sighed a dramatic heavy kind of sigh like he just realised what he'd gotten himself into. He knew that I was not going to let him off easy.
“Well...” He ran his hand through his hair. “...if you wait until you get married you will only be with the one guy and then it will be special.” He ended with a cheesy smile.
I raised an eyebrow. I don't trust that smile. It's the same as James 'I'm totally full of shit' smile. My dad was totally full of shit.
“Three things wrong with that statement dad.”
He looked at me expectantly.
“One, you and mum didn't wait. Two. People get divorced all the time. Three. Who said it couldn't be special otherwise because I remind you again, you and mum didn't wait. Are you saying it wasn't special?”
“You said three.”
“Well I thought of a forth.”
“Dad, do you really want me to wait and find out I married some guy who like, totally sucks in bed?”
He started laughing at me then.
I don't know if my forth point and the laughter that followed it helped me get closer to freedom but it was nice to not be so tense for a moment. Then dad had to go ruin it.
“So I have number three for your list then.”
I raised my eyebrow at him again. Hopefully it wouldn't be as feeble as his last one.
“Three. What if Jack like totally sucks?”
My first reaction was to get defensive at his dig at me by saying 'like totally' at me. I know I say it too much but I can’t help it.
“Well we'll practice.”
Dad flinched. “Can't you practice with a husband?”
“It's not that same.”
“I don't want you to make a quick decision because you feel like you have to do something. If he's pressuring you...”
It's what it always comes down to. People always think the boy is pressuring you. Bah!
“Dad, are you going to give me The Talk?”
He looked scandalised. “Do I have to? Hasn't your mother done that?”
“Yes she has...”
“Good.” He said finally. “Your mother's not going to talk to me until you and I start talking again but that doesn't mean I'm going to give in.”
I stared at him. How do I respond to that?
“I also know that in a few weeks you're going to be back at school so there isn't much I can do to stop you doing as you wish. You’re far too stubborn, like your mother, to be told what to do.” He drummed his fingers for a bit before he looked at me again. “So this is what we're going to do. You’re going to go with your mother to see a Healer to get a potion. Yes I know you can get them from Diagon Alley but you’re going to a Healer to get the one that's the best for you. The story is you're getting it to help with your cramps,” He paused for a moment and pointed at me. “By the way, for this to work, you now have to pretend you get bad cramps.”
“Awful debilitating ones.” He nodded reassuringly at me.
“Good. But you’re still grounded for sneaking out. Have a good day.” Then he left my room – really fast.
A/N: Part 2 should be in queue very shortly. Thanks.