Chapter 2 : Closet
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“I’m not moving Moony. No force on this planet could drive me out of the closet. I will be forever shut within these four walls of solitude where no one judges me.”
“No one is judging you Sirius.”
“Everyone judges! Did you know that in the muggle world people have a job where their sole purpose is to judge people? They’re called judges! Judges Moony. How can you even live in a sick world like this?”
“Sirius, you’re only in a closet, not another planet. You still live in this ‘sick’ world.”
“These walls are walls of abstinence and purity. No harm can reach me while I’m within these walls.”
Remus sighed and rolled his eyes and turned towards James for help. “He’s mental. Your turn.”
James stood in front of the closet. He stared at it intensely as he ran his hands down the wooden door. He let out a pensive ‘hurmmm,’ as he backed away from the closet. Then without warning he started sprinting towards the door. He lifted his feet from the ground and rammed them into the closet door. James immediately collapsed on the ground, briefly noticing the fact that his shoes had somehow fallen off of his feet in the process.
“I think I broke my legs!” James cried.
Remus rolled his eyes and said in an irritable voice, “they’re not broken.”
“If they’re not broken then why can’t I move them?”
“Ok, maybe they are a little broken. But we have a more pressing issue on our hands! I just realized my chocolate stash is in that closet.”
“Is it really?” Came Sirius’s voice from inside the closet.
Remus hurled his body against the closet door and listened as Sirius dug through his precious chocolate collection.
“Padfoot, if you lay one hand on my chocolate I will decapitate you and make it look like an accident.”
“Too bad I’m never coming out of the closet, making your threat non-threatening.”
Remus then heard the sound of a wrapper being cruelly opened with no care or tenderness at all. Remus could practically smell the sweet aroma of chocolate escaping from under the closet cracks and entering his nostrils.
“Pads, if you take one bite-” Remus stopped once he heard ‘crunch.’ “Oh my god! You bastard! I can tell by the sound of the crunch that it’s a Dream Orgasm chocolate bar! Those are really expensive! They are special because pixie dust is mixed into the chocolate batter. Creating an explosion of tastes, sending your taste buds into an chocolate orgasm frenzy! You just laid your filthy mutt teeth into it without so much as thanking the chocolate gods for making such an exemplary piece of chocolate! You make me sick!”
Remus began kicking the door repeatedly, using every curse he knew. He started hexing the door but nothing happened. He looked to James for help but he was still curled in a ball on the ground sobbing loudly.
Peter then walked in and stopped in his tracks as he observed his insane friends. “What are you doing?”
“Sirius, the bastard, has locked himself in the closet because Thora found a-”
“No Moony don’t say it!”
“She found a grey hair on Sirius’s head!” Remus smiled triumphantly at Sirius’s defeat. It was a small amount of compensation for the loss of his chocolate.
“I thought you were my friend,” Sirius wailed.
“Friends don’t eat other friends chocolate!”
“I think I’m bleeding internally!” James cried from the ground.
“Have you tried alohamora?” Peter suggested.
“Of course I have,” Remus said slowly. He then turned towards the door and mumbled something under his breath. All of a sudden the door flung open revealing Sirius. Sirius was sitting on the ground, his legs tucked up under his chin. On his head was a red bucket, his mouth was smeared with chocolate, in his left hand he held a butcher's knife and in the other he held a plunger.
“He’s armed,” Peter squealed. “What should we do?”
“Sacrifice the gimp!” Remus yelled as he pointed at James.
“The knife is plastic,” Sirius said meekly.
“You bastard!” Remus yelled as he jumped at Sirius and started strangling him. Suddenly a heavy weight fell on Remus as he distantly heard the words, ‘doggy pile.’
“If you had left me in the closet none of this would’ve happened.” Sirius complained as he sat in the hospital wing with his fellow Marauders.
When Remus had jumped on Sirius the butcher knife Sirius was holding went into Sirius’s eye, Sirius had almost lost his eye in the process. He was now sporting an eye patch that Madame Pippet told him he would have to wear for several days.
When Peter had jumped on Remus Sirius’s knee came up and went right into Remus’s no-go-zone which Remus was currently icing.
James was passed out on a bed after Madame Pippet had given him a potion. He had indeed broken both of his legs.
Peter was fine. He was lounging in a chair next to his friends humming to himself and eating a wheel of cheese.
Suddenly the hospital wing doors burst open and Thora came strolling in. She could hardly contain her laughter as she took in the Marauders.
Sirius sat up and his eye widened in panic and hatred. “That’s the witch, burn her! Burn the witch!”
Thora rolled her eyes and chose to ignore Sirius’s statement. “Where’s Madame Pippet, I need to speak to her.”
“Why, so you can properly destroy me as a human?”
“Shut up you ninny.”
“I’m no ninny.”
“No, you’re a stupid ninny. Anyway, Peter, you seem the sanest out of all of them. Where is Madame Pippet?”
“She went to talk to Dumbledore, she should be back soon though.”
“I’ll just talk to her later. By the way Sirius,” Thora said as she left the hospital. “That eye patch is a good distraction from your graying hair.”
“She will pay,” Sirius said at Thora’s departure.
“How do you suggest we go about doing that, Padfoot?” Remus chimed from his bed.
“You can’t do that you twit, you’ll end up in Azkaban.”
“That’s fine. I can just change into my dog form and sneak out, it’s fool proof! I’m taking you with me Moony.”
“Are you now?”
“Yes, and I’ve already got a case against you. Technically you ignored James’s critical condition and left him to die today.”
“James isn’t dead.”
“He hasn’t moved for quite some time.”
“That’s because he’s sleeping.”
“Stop being right, you’re so frustrating. If my hair wasn’t so gorgeous I would rip it out right now.”
“Pads, you shouldn’t do that. You’ll be partially bald and grey.”
“Remus, remember when I said I’m going to kill Thora?”
“Yes, it only happened minutes ago.”
“That now applies to you.”
The next day the Marauders were out of the hospital and all relaxing in the Gryffindor common rooms. Sirius still had his eye patch on and people had been greeting him with ‘argh’s and ‘ey’ matey’ all day.
“This is l-”
“Lily!” James shouted interrupting Sirius.
“James, get a hold of yourself. I was going to say ludicrous.”
“Why must you do that to me? You know my heart jumps with the mention of any word or name starting with L. My heart is already fragile, why must you toy with it?”
“James, you’ve gone mental.”
“Anytime I wear something red you pounce on me and smell me for five minutes pretending its Lily.”
“Is that all you’ve got?”
“James, do you really want me to bring up the bathroom?”
James gasped as he looked at his so-called best friend. “You promised you’d never speak of that again!”
“I promise to never mention the story if you promise to not mention Lily’s name again unless you are dating her.”
“I really can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“Fine, I promise to never say Lily’s name ever again.”
“What! I want to remember my last time.”
Lily Lily Lily.
James discovered while walking down a corridor that while he can’t say Lily’s name out loud he can say it all he wants in his head.
James was so caught up in saying Lily’s name that when he turned the corner he almost plowed into Thora.
“Thora, sorry didn’t see you there.”
Thora shrugged, “its ok. If you had injured me my detention would’ve been canceled. On second thought; turn around and come back around the corner and walk slightly faster than before. And when you see me, don’t stop.”
“You are insane. I now get why Sirius has tried to keep a safe distance from you.”
“He only does that because I am smarter and wittier than him.”
“I don’t want to talk about intellectual attributes right now, I want to talk about erm-uh, I don’t know. I like mango smoothies though, and that statement could beat any argument.”
“Not if you were talking to a person. You could win against an inanimate object any day. Wait- no you can’t, you lost to a door. You epically fail at life.”
“You are off the quidditch team.”
Thora crossed her arms over her chest and raised her right eyebrow as she stared down James.
“Don’t you try and use the almighty questioning eyebrow. That look is only reserved for my mum after I’ve set the house-elves ears on fire.”
“Whatever, I’m bored of this. I’ve got to go and examine Lily’s breasts in the dormitory now.”
“What-what dormitory? I thought you were going to detention. No one said anything about a dormitory. There’s a dormitory filled with Lily’s breasts?” James rambled at the thought of Lily’s breasts, and then mixed in with Thora examining them. “I must get to this dormitory!”
“Well then, follow me to the breast examination.”
Thora started walking and heard James behind her mumbling, ‘I can’t-I can’t’.
At that point James promptly fainted.
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