The great oak doors of Hogwarts open and light streams down the stone steps, illuminating the night. A silhouetted figure – a woman – hurries down the steps, the material of her dress billowing around her. When she reaches the grass she stops and glances behind her before turning in my direction.
I don’t know whether or not she can see me through the darkness, but I’m watching her. She looks like something out of a fairytale; so elegant and graceful, her movements so subtle and innocent. As she walks, her dress moves around her and her hair flutters, even though there is no wind. I try to take my eyes away from her. I want to take my eyes away, but I can’t. I’m transfixed, fascinated, mesmerized.
And then she’s sitting next to me on this cold, stone bench, her presence warming me. She takes one of my rough hands in both of hers and squeezes gently. The motion makes me feel calm and relaxed, though I had been unaware that I felt otherwise. For the first time, she looks at me and her green eyes seem even brighter than usual, though a sadness which I’ve never seen before lurks beneath the vivid colour.
“What do you want from me?” I find myself whispering.
She’s silent, her eyes doing all of the talking. Then in one swift, easy movement her hands are on my chest, clutching at my tuxedo. She gazes intently into my eyes, and looks almost unaware of what she’s doing.
“Tell me,” she says, her fingers slowly but deliberately beginning to undo the uppermost buttons on my shirt. “Tell me what I want from you.” There’s a hint of desperation to her voice that makes my breath catch.
My voice sounds different. The very sound of her name passing my lips stirs excitement in the pit of my stomach. She closes her eyes, her lips slightly parted, her breath caught in her chest. An ecstasy fills me and I find my eyes closing, too.
When I repeat her name I hear her moan softly, an almost silent, undetectable moan, her nails digging slightly into my skin. I’m doing this to her. Me. My hands subconsciously move to her waist and she shivers beneath me, sending a surge of pleasure throughout my body that I know I shouldn’t be feeling.
“Don’t stop,” she whispers, echoing my thoughts, and she leans forward until her lips are centimetres from mine. I move one of my hands into her hair, inwardly marvelling at the silky, soft feel of it beneath my fingers.
And then I can no longer feel the warmth of her hands on my chest or her breath tickling my face. I can’t feel anything other than an overwhelming sense of – of what? Lust? No, it feels like more than that. Excitement? If it is, it’s different to any kind I’ve ever felt before. Love? No. The word love can’t come anywhere near the equation. It'd be too dangerous; even more dangerous than the situation is now.
“We haven’t got long,” she murmurs. “I just told James that I needed some air.”
The bottom falls out of my stomach and my eyes snap open. I could have pretended that he didn’t exist. For the next few minutes I could have imagined that there was no James, that even if there was he wouldn’t care about what was going on out here. But hearing her say his name out loud… it caused reality come crashing down around me with an almighty rumble.
I push her away and stand up, burying my own hands in the pockets of my trousers, hoping that if I put them there they won’t stray back into dangerous territory.
“What’s wrong?” Lily asks, her voice the epitome of naivety, even though I know that she understands just as well as I do what’s wrong.
“You know what.” I say eventually in as loud a voice as I can muster. “We, both know.”
She glances behind me at the castle, as though she’s worried that James might suddenly hear us. But that won’t happen; he’s in there having fun with the rest of the seventh years, celebrating the last day of our time here, blissfully unaware of what is transpiring between his girlfriend and his best friend. His confidante. His brother. Me.
We fall into silence which is neither awkward nor comfortable. My eyes are fixed upon the ground and I know hers still gaze up at the castle, and we both listen to the sounds of merriment coming from the Great Hall. It all sounds so distant, and I feel that it would even if I was right in the centre of it all.
“We can’t do this, can we?” she says, and when I look up at her I see a single tear fall rolling down her cheek.
“No,” I say softly. I have an overwhelming urge to brush her tear from her cheek. A desire just to touch her one last time. “No, we can’t.”
“If we could…” she begins, sniffing quietly and looking right at me, “would you?”
I sigh and avert my gaze from her, using all of my will-power to do so. “Truthfully? Yes, I probably would.”
She sighs. “I would too.”
Then she gets to her feet, takes one last hungry look at me and walks away.
I hear James call my name before I even get the chance to look up. I smile feebly as he punches me lightly on the shoulder, seeming not to notice my reluctant happiness, and asks “You haven’t seen Lily on your travels, have you?”
“I’m right here.”
James and I both turn to see Lily walking towards us, her beauty even more evident in the glowing candle light of the Hall. She links her arm through James’s and flashes him a smile before turning to me.
“Having a good night, Sirius?” she asks cheerfully.
“Indeed,” I reply with a grin that feels so forced I can’t for a second believe it looks convincing.
Yet she and James both smile before he pulls her away to the dance floor, leaving me alone with my guilt.
If you recognise this story, it's most likely because I posted it about a year ago, but I've recently deleted all of my stories from the site and I'm starting a-fresh.
I've made modifications to this and tried to improve it, but I still think it's far from perfect. If you have any suggestions, thoughts or opinions. please leave a comment. Thanks for reading (: