Characters: Lily & Sirius
Chapter Graphic by Jeanie at The Dark Arts
Thank you, Alicia, for the splendid job of beta'ing!
*****
"Lily." Sirius gave her a start as she sat beneath the stars in the backyard of Grimmauld Place. She looked over her shoulder as she sat on the cobbled stone path and sighed with her hand braced over her heart. "Oh, Sirius," she sighed. "You scared me."
Sirius chuckled and sat next to her, draping an arm around her shoulder. She snuggled into his warmth and leaned her head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I was just wondering where you ran off to."
"Oh," Lily said again. "I like it out here. It's peaceful."
Sirius picked up on the silent reason, the main reason Lily was out as it neared midnight, gazing up at the dazzling stars. It relaxed her. He smiled. "Yes, and it's just beautiful out."
"Yes," Lily said with a groan as she rubbed her chest. She coughed and looked away, burying her ashamed face into her shoulder. Sirius paid no heed to her actions, but refocused on her when she began to rub her left shoulder once more. He asked, furrowing his brow. "What's wrong?"
"It's nothing," Lily murmured. She glanced once in his direction before returning to the stars. Sirius followed suit, putting it behind him. Sirius asked after many minutes of silence. "How are you holding up, Lils?"
"Fine, I guess you could say. I mean, how am I supposed to be holding up?" Lily nearly growled. Her anger and distress was easily mixed into her words.
Sirius nodded. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He would have made a joke, he would have made an attempt to make her laugh, but he could see that this wasn't the time. Instead, he rubbed her back and reassured her. "I know, I know, but everything will be all right.
"How, Sirius?" Lily cried out, grabbing onto her head. "How can it be all right? I made him choose someone! I made him choose. I never thought he would choose her. Granted, she is the better choice. Or maybe she isn't...I don't know. Everything is so complicated."
"I know, Lils," Sirius reassured her again. He didn't know what else to say. There wasn't much
to say. "We're here for you though. We always will be." Lily nodded and wiped away her tears.
"I've just given everything up for him, you know? I really thought he would choose me," Lily sniffed. "I thought I made him happier, I thought he loved me more..." Sirius looked down at the ground, his own feelings for Lily pulsing within his chest. Lily shook her head in her resentment. She slapped the stone ground in her frustration. "God damn it! After everything...! Everything that I've put myself through..."
"What exactly is that?" Sirius questioned, for he couldn't imagine much more than what he and all his friends had done as well.
Lily sniffed, wiped her nose on her shirt, and shook her head. "No, never mind."
Sensing Lily's secrets, he pressured. "Lily, tell me. What's happened?"
Lily fell into Sirius' open, friendly embrace and wiped her eyes on his jeans. He touched the back of her head, ran his hands across her hair as a sign of propulsion. She toyed with a fray on her jeans, something to avert her attention as she confessed. "I have CHF."
"And that is?"
"Congestive Heart Failure."
Sirius blinked. She had to be joking. She was joking, right? Sirius blinked again and then swallowed. "You have to be kidding..."
"I was diagnosed three years ago," Lily admitted. She continued on. "It has been a result from my fatigue and stress. My stress increased my blood pressure. I tried to control it, I tried to get help, but five years ago I was diagnosed with CAD, Coronary Artery Disease, as a result from my high blood pressure. I didn't treat it. I kept going with it in hopes that it would go away. I now realize that I shouldn't have kept it quiet because now I have a Congestive Heart Failure. My heart is giving out, and there is nothing they can do about it now."
Sirius was silent. He blinked back tears. He pried Lily from his lap and gazed into her eyes. The orbs of emerald absorbed the moon's light and cast a glassy glow on Sirius' cheeks. A tear rolled down his cheek, and he whispered. "Please tell me you're lying. If you are, it's mean. It's mean, it's not funny."
"I'm not kidding. I wish I was," Lily sighed.
Sirius pressed one of his large hands against her cheek. He found himself unable to control his emotions, his feelings for Lily. She was dying in his arms, dying all the time, and he hadn't known until now. Mulling over that fact, he became angry. He bit his lip and growled. "Why did you tell me!"
Lily blinked and pulled away at his ferocity. She murmured. "I didn't want anyone to worry. We have enough on our plates. I didn't think you would be this angry either..."
"I - " Sirius groped at his hair and yanked at the ends until Lily grabbed his tan hands and pried them away from the brown roots. Sirius growled again. "I...I won't let you be hurt! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me when I could have done something about it! I won't let anything harm you..."
"That's very kind of you, Sirius, but - "
"No." Sirius grasped her wrists and held them together. His eyes were pleading, his expression horrified. He moaned. "You don't understand. You can't feel any pain! No pain, Lily, do you understand?"
"I..."
"I won't let you!"
"You're too late for that, Sirius," Her voice quivered and betrayed her confusion and fright. "I've been in the most pain I have ever been in for the past eighteen years. Divorced from the one I love, watching my son grow up without him giving me the love his true mother should receive, watching him trained to become some kind of weapon. It breaks me, and it's all added up over the years. The stress and the anxiety...It's all built up to this, my heart failure."
"You don't understand!" He wanted to tell her everything, and he would. He would tell her everything he had kept quiet for so long. She had to know now. "Don't think that you're the only one in pain! Yes, you're his mother, but I'm his godfather! It's painful to watch you wallow in your sadness when you can't be with James! It's heart breaking to watch you moan and groan about your love for James and how he won't fully return it, when all I want to do is confess my love for you!"
There was silence except for the chirp of the crickets and the gusts of the wind. The wind tossed Lily's red locks across her shoulder, draping her face to cover her glassy, shocked eyes. She said in less than a mere whisper. "What?"
"Oh," Sirius gasped. He rose and strode away from her. He went to lean against a tree, his forearm braced between his forehead and the bark. "I should have held my tongue. I'm sorry."
Lily followed in his wake. Realization dawned across her face. The over-protective caring for the past twenty years, holding her at night... It all fit. She asked, "You love me?"
Sirius whipped around, his eyes blurred from his tears. He was fast and fierce with his movements. His large hands cupped over her cheeks; another smoothed back her curls so he could see those beautiful emerald orbs. He nodded his head in his distress and moaned in pity. "Yes. Yes, I do. Of course I do. I've loved you for twenty years. I always will, Lily."
His emotions took over his actions. He massaged her cheek into the palm of his hand. The hand at the back of her head slid down to her neck and drew her in. Before he could realize what he was doing, before he could think, before he could consider how she might react, he kissed her. He kissed her fully and longingly.
Lily didn't kiss back, but she also didn't refuse. She simply stood there in his embrace, stunned. When Sirius stopped, he only pulled away for a second. He kissed her lightly again, a plead forming on his loose lips. "Kiss me. Kiss me, Lily."
Unsure, she did so. Slowly she began to kiss the unfamiliar lips, study the curve of them. She analyzed how different they were from James'. She knew she was horrible for kissing Sirius and thinking only of James, but she couldn't stop herself. James' lips were thin and straight. Sirius', however, were round and big, loose and well practiced. James was always fierce and passionate about his kissing, and Sirius kissed her with a sweet tenderness James only gave when he felt guilty or he knew he had done something wrong. The worst feeling about the difference, she recognized, was that Sirius' sweet tenderness felt better...
She abruptly stopped and pulled away. Lily found herself unable to look at him, ashamed of herself, and therefore angled her gaze at the ground. "I'm sorry. I - "
"No," Sirius swallowed. You would have to be completely oblivious to miss the painful tone in his voice. Lily easily registered that she had just given Sirius the best minute of his life. Sirius shuffled his feet awkwardly. "I'm sorry. I lost control, I shouldn't have."
"Don't worry about it..." Lily sighed. She wiped her wet lips, smelling Sirius' sweet scent of amber and citrus, and sat in the grass once more. She swallowed and bit her forearm. She felt...guilty... Like she had just performed the worst crime imaginable. She tried to calm herself by thinking,
He's not mine anymore. He chose Claire. We were never exclusive anyway. Why do I feel this way...?
Sirius, awkward and ashamed, lowered himself into the grass a good five feet from Lily's side. He crossed his legs and peered at her quiet, subtle form. He thought it best to change the subject, make her completely forget the moment Sirius wanted to hold onto forever and always. "Tell me more about your...condition, please."
Lily looked up, her eyes weak. She spoke easily about it, as if she had come to accept the fact. "Like I said, it all originated from my stress, my anger, and my anxiety. It resulted in high blood pressure, thus higher heart rate and the clogging of my arteries. Five years ago, when my neighbor found me unconscious, I was taken to a Muggle hospital, and there I was diagnosed with CAD, Coronary Artery Disease. This is a disease by the clogging or blocking of the arteries, making the heart work harder to pump blood throughout the body. I didn't think anything of it. Since I gave her my eating habits and that I am in fit shape, she could not deem the cause of diagnosis to obesity or high cholesterol. It was my stress. I refused care, and because I was not in a life-threatening situation at the time, I was allowed to refuse the care. I told myself I would stress less, worry less. Well, you know me; that never happened. I worried more than ever. My condition worsened until I went in for a check up, and my CAD had morphed into my CHF, Congestive Heart Failure. By then it was too late. There was nothing to reverse the diagnosis and nothing to do but let myself die."
"Has anything...life-threatening, I guess, happened?"
"Other than being diagnosed, not really," Lily shrugged. She was strong and easy going about her disease. "Shortness of breath, fatigue. I keep waiting for my first heart attack, but I've been lucky. Right now, I have no set time. I can live as I live. I keep waiting for the day when I go in for my next check up and I find out I have less than a year to live or something."
Sirius cradled his head and sniffed. He couldn't imagine losing Lily. Granted she had only played his best friend for the past twenty years, but that didn't subside his greater feelings for her. The need to protect her, the need for her to be happy, the need for her to be healthy. The need for her to be alive. He moaned. "I can't imagine living without you, Lily."
Lily whispered. "I can't imagine dying either, but it will happen sooner than I would like."
"Does James know?"
"No. You're the only one," Lily said.
"What about donors?"
Lily shuddered and pulled her knees in towards her chest. The idea scared her. "I don't want to think about that just yet. I still have faith in my own heart. If I didn't, I would be worrying about finding the right match for myself. For now, my heart will last me."
Sirius inched his way towards her and touched her cheek once more. "I'm scared for you. You're so brave."
Lily turned her cheek away from him, gazing at the grass that almost seemed blue from the moon. "Hmmm, bravery. It's an acquired trait when facing things like this. I've had twenty years to become brave. I think I'm pretty good at it."
"You are," Sirius chuckled. "Bravest woman I know." He lent in to kiss her again, but Lily pulled away.
She mumbled in a low and apologetic voice. "Sirius..."
"Come on, Lily," he suddenly protested. He growled, his voice low and domineering. "James didn't choose you! He's moved on. He was cheating on you all of these years with this snotty little wife! He's put you aside and isn't looking back. Can't you see that? Let him go. He won't love you like he loves Claire, but I will love you more than he loves Claire! I already do."
"It just doesn't feel right," said Lily. Sirius withdrew in defeat and sulked in his embarrassment. He apologized once more. "I'm sorry for what I said."
"It's okay," Lily sighed heavily. "You're right though."
"Well," Sirius caved. After all these years, he had only wanted Lily's happiness. He had wanted to see her smile, see her being as happy as she could be. Loving James and James loving her in return made her the bright and shining person she was. With James refusing to let his love for Lily break free from his barrier, Lily was broken, a sad and hopeless creature. "I want whatever you want. That's why I've been able to listen to you when you speak of your day with James, how you long to be back with him the next day. It made you happy. Happier than I could ever dream of making you. I want what is best for you, and I want you to be happy. So, I will go on acting as if I didn't make a fool of myself tonight, and you can continue to find your happiness. If you can't find it yourself, I will help you find it, no matter the damage to myself."
"Sirius - " Lily began to plead. She wasn't sure if it was intentional, but Sirius' extremely mature speech made her even more guilty. She watched him rise and fade back into the narrow house of Grimmauld Place. She laid back against the grass and gazed up at the sky. Stars filled it, their lights twinkling and igniting the sky. She caught two shooting stars. Lacing her fingers and placing them at the back of her head, Lily watched the night sky with a satisfied smile on her face.
It faded when she wondered when she would see such a beautiful night again.
"Congratulations, Potter," Moody complimented Harry with a crooked grin as he gave Harry a slap on the back. "That was the last simulation."
"What do you mean?" Harry questioned. He lowered his wand from the dueling simulator he had just completed. Magical test dummies lay on the ground with their status flashing about their heads in gold. Some read "Unconscious." Others read "Petrified," "Unarmed," or anything of the sort.
"I mean that was the last simulation. Your training is done. You've passed," Moody said as he limped towards one of the dummies. Moody growled the killing curse until the gold writing, stating "Petrified" turned green and said "Dead." Moody turned back towards Harry as he flinched. "It's just a dummy, Potter, and you need to overcome your fear. My only criticism. You're too afraid to kill. Well, I'm telling you not to be. This battle will be a situation of life and death. Others will be around to help the ones you are trying to defeat. An unconscious or petrified person can be revived. An unarmed person can easily snatch their wand right back. The only way you are assured complete safety from that person is in death. Now, you'll do this simulation once more, and at least five of these dummies will be marked as dead. Got it?"
Harry nodded and pulled up the sleeves of his shirt. He wiped the sweat from his brow and Moody apparated from the room and the lights switched off. Harry backed up until he felt the door of the simulator room against his back. The metal door was cool and soothed his skin. He turned around and pressed his forehead to it, enjoying the cold metal. He could hear the dummies and destroyed obstacles being put back into place.
When Moody's voice echoed across the room, Harry whipped around, his wand at the ready, ready to kill.
*****
The teenagers sat amongst each other in the grass that evening as a heated meeting between the Order emerged. Ginny was trying to peak into the kitchen through a window, but Remus had long ago seen Ginny and cast a shielding charm. Ginny huffed and slid into the grass, her arms folded across her chest.
Ron grunted. "What do you suppose they’re talking about?"
With a blade of grass twisting between his fingers, Harry said absent-mindedly, his other hand resting under his chin. "The war."
They entered silence, and he could suddenly feel all eyes on him. Harry cleared his throat and murmured. "Sorry."
"How can you talk about it in such an empty tone?" Hermione wrinkled her nose.
Harry ripped the blade in half and shrugged. "I dunno. I've been introduced to such a different world these past few months. I'm open to anything."
"Why are you just now introduced to it? Normal wizards with wizarding parents are raised in wizard ways, and they get their Hogwarts acceptance letter when they are eleven. What is your role in this world? Why now?" Ginny asked in an almost angry voice.
Harry murmured an apology and leaned back in the grass. He couldn't see the harm in telling them. It had been two weeks since the other Weasley’s and Hermione had arrived at the Burrow, and Harry was getting along quite well with them. Ron had become a semi-friend, and Hermione was close to it. Ginny was different though. Harry not only saw the friend potential, but also something more. He shrugged that off as he watched her toss back her fiery hair over her shoulder. "I'm not quite sure. You guys know all the secrecy that goes on around here. Truthfully, I don't understand how you can live with it."
Ron laughed and tossed a quaffle in the air. "It gets pretty damn annoying."
The others murmured in their agreement, and Ginny said roughly, "Spit it out."
"Honestly, I can't say much. If you tell me more about Neville, I may understand my situation better," Harry proposed. He took the opportunity to get to know his placing. Who was Neville, truly? They would know.
"Err," Ron thought.
"That's difficult to explain," Ginny smiled.
Hermione took the question. "It all starts with a prophecy, you see. Neville was the boy the prophecy was made about, and the other was about a dark wizard, You-Know-Who. The prophecy states that neither can live while the other survives, that one of these two will bring balance to the wizarding world. Either the bad will perish, or the good will. Neville is vouching for the good. Every good wizard is putting their lives in his hands. Over the wizards, they have come across each other. Each time Neville was faced with a different task, another attempt to kill him. Neville has survived each time. We keep waiting for the day when one of them will fail."
"Also," Ginny put in, "when Neville was a baby, his parents died trying to protect him. Aurors got a notice and were there before they could reach Neville. Neville has always lived with his grandmother."
"What about the scar? The scar on his forehead," Harry inquired.
Ron laughed at the memory. "Neville's such a doofus. That happened in first year when one of his potions went wrong."
"All of his potions go wrong," Ginny giggled.
Harry smiled lightly, amused at the thought, yet horrified at Neville's past. "So it's nothing special?"
"No," Hermione said. "Nothing special. I've had the thought that what if Neville isn't the right person? Even after Voldemort is gone, Neville does not have enough guts within his body to have every Death Eater quaking in their shoes with fear. How in the world could Neville bring a balance?"
"Agreed," Ginny sighed. "We're all doomed."
Ron looked at the ground and made a funny noise with his tongue. The twins sat absent-mindedly, poking one another.
Typical Fred and George, Harry thought. They always lived away from the fear and the war, making life as happy, cheerful, and carefree as possible. Harry held his chest when he stated, announcing his identity. "That's just it. Neville won't bring balance then. The prophecy - there were two people born as the seventh month died that year."
"How did you know it was the seventh month? I never said anything about the seventh month," Hermione said, horrified.
Harry rose and turned his back to them. He wondered if he was walking straight towards his death in the midst of this mess. "I only needed the end of your information. I've heard it all before.
The one to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born to those who have thrice defied him as the seventh month dies. Neville isn't the one to bring balance. My birthday is July 31st. I'm being trained to kill Voldemort. Neville is a cover-up; I am the Chosen One."
Claire was at her OBGYN that afternoon, the day her pregnancy hit five months. Carter had gone with her. Unable to handle the situation, James had remained behind. For the past weeks, ever since he had heard the two in his bedroom, James had ignored Carter completely. He was merely a fly on the wall, a fly James wanted to smash into the ground with a fly swatter and step on 5,000 times. He made no attempt to sleep with Claire at night. He had taken to Harry's bed, missing him dearly. He also didn't kiss Claire anymore, or try an exceedingly impressive amount to. Once or twice a day his lips felt his wife's. Claire had also made no movement whatsoever to tell James of the divorce papers or her engagement to Carter.
He was lonely. Lonely and crumbling under his stupid decision. He lay on the couch, his arms spread wide, as his stared blankly at the green wall. The television was on, but James couldn't hear it. His ears were tuned out, as if listening and mulling over all his thoughts. The flashes of yellow, green, and blue from the TV reflected on the plane of wall at which James was staring.
"I made the wrong choice," he murmured. "But I'm married to her. She was the right choice from the start..."
He entered silence, and his mind strolled to Lily. He bent over, wailed, and took his face into his hands. "I miss my Lily! She will never forgive me now!" He thought on it. He thought about the love she held for him, and he knew she had to take him back. Of course she would. Their love was unconditional, stronger than anything.
He then realized he also wanted Claire's happiness. Clearly, that happiness lied with Carter, with Carter and her unborn child. With James out of their way, they could live a proper life the way they wanted it.
James sighed and reached for his wand lying on the coffee table. He gave it a wave and murmured with every ounce of strength inside of him. "Lily, take me back.
Accio divorce papers."
There was something strange about lying with him with the moonlight spilling in from the window, illuminating his red bed sheets. There was something strange about lying naked with him.
Lily lay on her side, her eyes staring up at the moon, as Sirius faced her back. He was propped up on an elbow, his long, cropped hair trailing over her bare shoulder. He slowly leaned forward and gave her pale, smooth skin a gentle kiss. "Thank you."
Turning around to face him, Sirius settled his chest on top of hers. His eyes pooled with his happy tears, and he pushed back Lily's sweaty curls. She whispered under him, "What for?"
"For this," Sirius whispered sweetly. He went to kiss her lips again. He was aware that she wasn't kissing him fully, but that didn't matter. She was letting him. She had given him the best night he could ever ask for. He kissed her anyway. "For tonight, for giving me a chance."
"Well," Lily almost chuckled. She tucked a lock of his hair beneath his ear and kissed him back. She wasn't about to ruin the moment with Sirius, she wasn't about to say that she had given up on James, that he had chosen Claire and he would have to live with that now. She was not tied to any man in any way. She hadn't done anything wrong. And the night, after all, hadn't been completely un-meaningful.
With her apartment destroyed, raided by Death Eaters, she had been staying at Sirius' for a matter of months. Because of their encounter two weeks ago, she couldn't just disappear from Grimmauld Place at night. Lily played their night over and over in her head. She had just finished dinner and was walking to her room when Sirius exited the bathroom wearing naught but a towel. Now, Lily had never thought Sirius attractive in the least until the night Sirius had confessed his true feelings for her. He had always been the brotherly type. Then, after hearing the words "I love you" seep from his lips, he was all she could think about.
With his chest inches from her face, his clean, sweet scent intoxicating her smell, she had stumbled backwards. Sirius caught her with his fast reflexes, his large hands braced on each of her upper arms. Looking up into his eyes, she was entranced. He had merely smiled, his white teeth glistening happily. She knew he had seen her amazement within her eyes. It had gone from there. From a slow kiss, to picking her up and carrying her into his bedroom. Hours later they were laying in his bed, happily entwining their fingers together, laying in each others' arms.
Sirius twiddled with her hand, kissing her knuckles. He kissed a trail down each finger to the palm of her hand, down her wrist and her arm. She giggled and kicked. Sirius looked her in the eye and sighed. "Lily, I love you."
She pursed her lips and smiled. What was she supposed to say to that? It felt horrible to have someone confess their love for you and be unable to return the feeling without lying to them. She nodded and whispered a thank you. Sirius said, kissing her forehead, "I know you don't love me, but I would like to give you the chance. It's okay."
Lily sighed, relieved. Sirius was so kind. He made her feel good, and he didn't make her feel guilty about her fading love for James. He gave her the space she needed. Lily played with his hair and cupped his cheek. "Thank you for that."
Sirius nodded and looked down to her chest. He placed a hand over her heart, resting his cheek against her warm skin. He listened to each and every beat until he knew her own special rhythm by heart. Sirius held her tighter, squeezing as much as he could. "I'll save you," he said. "I'll find you a heart."
Even if I have to give you my own...
A crack emerged from downstairs, disturbing their tranquil moment. Lily jumped as they both recognized James' voice. "Sirius? Lily?"
"Oh God..." Lily mumbled. "I don't want him to see me! Not here in bed with you!"
She held her head and gasped. James' calls came again. Sirius said quickly, waving his hands around like a mad man, "Then hide! Hide!"
Lily jumped from the bed, wrapping the blanket they had long ago kicked to the floor around her waist. She ran into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. Sirius tossed onto his stomach, pulling the covers up just enough to cover his bottom. He lay casually and called, "Up here, James!"
James came in less than a second later. His face was full of mixed expressions, happy, worried, confused. He gave one look at Sirius and his eyebrows cocked up. James snorted. "Long day or what?"
Sirius turned onto his side and sat up slowly, careful that the covers not fall too low. He remembered the days as a teenager when it didn't matter if they saw each other, but if your butt was exposed long enough, then you had the misfortune of receiving a towel whip. Now, however, was another time. "Yeah, long day dueling with Harry. Quite fun though. He's doing excellent, James."
"That's good, that's good," James chimed. He sat in the arm chair next to the bed, regaining his breath. "I miss him. I should come duel with him some day. I still don't approve of what's being done with him, but I guess it's unstoppable."
"There you go," Sirius smiled. "You're finally going along with it. I know it must be tough, but you've gotta let him go some day."
"I've held him so close all these years, kept him so safe, living in the fear of what could have happened. It's the hardest thing to let him go."
"Well, all right," Sirius sighed. He placed his feet on the cool wood and rubbed at his head. James groaned, shielding his eyes, "Ah, man! You're naked? I don't need to see that, Pads. Why are you sleeping anyway? You know a guy should only sleep naked when he's got a girl in the bed!"
Sirius thought sourly,
Well, I did have a girl in the bed, no thanks to you. He them murmured, readjusting the covers. "I know the rule, mate."
"Well," James changed the subject and moved to the reason he was here. "Where's Lily? I would like to speak with her. I just talked to Molly; I assumed she was staying there with Harry, but she said to try here. Is she here?"
"No, she's not," Sirius lied absently. "Must have stayed at a motel tonight. Maybe at Petunia's. Why are you looking for her?"
"Claire wants a divorce. I just signed all the papers. It's official, I'm officially not married anymore, and I was just going to tell Lily. I was hoping she could take me back. I would never take myself back. After what I did to her..." He groaned and shivered, continuing on, "I can't believe I did that to her. Has she said anything about me to you? I wouldn't be surprised if she was off sleeping with hundreds of men just to get back at me. I was a horrible son of a bitch to her."
"Woah, woah," Sirius coached, holding up a hand in defense. "Slow down, James. First off, you know Lily isn't that type of girl. She is a one-manned woman. You made the most logical choice. I'm sure she understands. As for forgiveness..."
James looked up in his self-pity, his eyes swimming with the hatred he held for himself. He bit his tongue and cursed loudly, "Fuck! She won't ever forgive me. Why did I do that, Sirius?! What I have with Lily is so fantastic!"
"Had..." Sirius corrected. He then clamped his mouth shut, surprised at what had risen from his mouth so quickly. He began apologizing rapidly.
James whispered sadly, running his fingers through his hair. He sighed and slipped down in the chair. "No, don't apologize. You're right. I've blown it. I have no more chances with her."
"You never know..." Sirius whispered, unable to believe the words leaving his mouth.
"Well," James rose. Sirius could see he couldn't take anymore conversation. He needed to be alone. "First time you see Lily, let her know I'd like to talk to her."
"Will do, James. Get some rest."
"You too, Padfoot, and put some bloody pants on," James chuckled. Sirius laughed and waved a hand at James. A second later, he was gone. Sirius sighed and fell back against the bed in relief. He snagged a second to regain his composure. With every ounce of courage in his heart, he rose and entered the bathroom that contained Lily.
He found her sitting in the corner, her knees pulled up to her chest and wrapped snugly in the blanket. She was biting her finger nails, and her eyes looked up at Sirius as he sauntered towards her, bare and comforting. He sat down next to her, enveloping her into his arms. She shivered in them. Sirius voice was weak, quavering, "Any chance you didn't happen to hear that?"
She shook her head. "No, I heard every word."
Sirius sighed and wiped at his eyes. He didn't want to lose Lily. She had, after all, just given him a chance. "Any chance you will forgive him?"
"I already have, Sirius. It's inevitable."
"I understand," he whispered.
"Sirius, I'm sorry. If I had known...I wouldn't have teased you with tonight. I, I... I feel so horrible."
"No, Lily," he cooed softly. He cradled her head. "Shhh, it's okay. Shh, don't feel bad. You couldn't have known. Haha, you weren't just trying to get back at him, were you?"
"No! Of course no!" she almost laughed. She dabbed at her eyes and then joked. "You see, I kinda like you."
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