Disclaimer: Ken is owned by Mattel, Oz is owned by L. Frank Baum and the wizarding world is owned by J.K. Rowling.
Ingram, however, is 100% original.
Ingram looked around the tiny dark room that he had been hiding in ever since Romilda’s puppy-like devotion had caused him to lose his few remaining wits. There were three broomsticks other than the one he was using as a pillow, as well as several cobwebs and a bucket of soapy water. Ingram wondered briefly why the water hadn’t dried up in the past three months, but dismissed it as the magic of Oz.
Ingram continued to look listlessly around his broom cupboard. There was Sylvia, his pet spider, finishing off the last touches of her webby mansion.
“Oh, Sylvia!” Ingram sighed. “You have a home! And a family, too, I suppose. Although, did I ever really have a family back in Kansas? I can’t remember. Sometimes I feel like this cupboard is all I’ve ever known. How did I even get here?” Ingram trailed off, pondering the world before his solitary confinement.
“But narrator, spiders are people too! SYLVIA is my friend,” Ingram yelled indignantly, before realizing that it was happening again. “I’m talking to myself! There is no narrator! What am I, insane?”
With that, Ingram collapsed into a quivering mass on the floor, where he pondered the meaning of life, the universe, everything. For some reason, all that he could come up with was the number 42.
A few hours of existential debate later, Ingram stood up, brushed himself off, and exclaimed, “Enough is enough! What am I doing sitting here in this cupboard? I have a world to see, a life to live!”
Ingram burst out of the cupboard, into the light, completely forgetting his spider companion.
And ran straight into Romilda Vane.
Recovered from the effects of Cupid’s arrow, Romilda was now under the impression that Ingram (whose name she still did not know) had slipped her a love potion.
“THERE YOU ARE! I’VE BEEN SEARCHING EVERY BROOM CUPBOARD IN THE CASTLE FOR YOU!” she screamed.
“But how did you miss this one?” Ingram asked, bemused. “It’s the one with the three-foot sign proclaiming ‘BROOM CUPBOARD’ on the door.”
“Well no one in their right mind hides in that broom cupboard,” Romilda scoffed. “Never mind that now. How DARE you slip me a love potion? Don’t you know those things are dangerous?”
Ron Weasley, who had been wandering the castle dressed in an ostrich suit, happened to overhear this exchange.
“Well that’s the pot calling the kettle purple if I ever heard it!” he exclaimed indignantly.
“I’m not the one who went around eating other people’s Christmas presents! You –”
“Well that doesn’t lessen your hypocritality!”
“That’s not even a word! What are you doing here anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be out catching Dark wizards or something?”
As Romilda and Ron continued their heated argument over some past love potion incident, Ingram slipped away. All the yelling had been aggravating his ligyrophobia.
After breathing into a paper bag for a half an hour, Ingram decided to continue exploring the wonders of Oz. He skipped merrily down the hall, until he came upon a seemingly ordinary patch of wall. Anyone else would have passed it by, but Ingram, who was secretly a secret passageway aficionado and subscribed to Secret Passageway Aficionados’ Monthly, knew that this patch of wall was, in fact, extraordinary.
Ingram immediately tapped the wall nine hundred and seventy-six times to the beat of Cher’s song Believe, licked his ankle four times, did a headstand, kowtowed to the wall six times, lit fourteen sticks of incense, and finally shouted “Ooogedy boogedy boogelly boogelly!”
And the wall opened.
After several minutes of sneaky secret passageway skulking, Ingram managed to disturb a peaceful nest of bats. He promptly ran screaming out of the passageway, into the History of Magic classroom, and straight through Professor Binns.
Ingram shuddered hysterically due to the gelid sensation that accompanies walking through a ghost. Looking around, he realized that all the students were asleep and Binns continued to lecture, unaware of the disturbance. Ingram shrugged, remembered the bats and ran screaming from the room.
Several hallways later, Ingram collapsed, exhausted, against a wall.
“Young knave, I challenge you to a duel. To the death. I shall go the way of Aaron Burr, and you shall go the way of Alexander Hamilton!”
Ingram looked up to see a portrait of a knight brandishing his sword menacingly.
“Who are you?” Ingram asked, nearly wetting his pants.
“I am Sir Cadogan, and who be you?” the knight growled.
“Golly gee willikers mister, I’m just Ingram, here to explore this fine Land of Oz!”
Sir Cadogan began to chant “Duel, Duel!” Soon all the paintings had joined in, and the shouts of “Duel!” were everywhere. Ingram’s ligyrophobia couldn’t take anymore! He covered his ears and ran, but the chanting followed him, as did Sir Cadogan.
Ingram took cover in a convenient suit of armour. Fortunately he did not suffer from claustrophobia, so he was able to remain hidden for several days until Sir Cadogan forgot the matter and left to feed his fat pony.
After the shouts of “Duel, Duel!” finally faded away, Ingram poked his head out of the suit of armour, only to be confronted with a sight so terrifying that it could only have been left by a sadistic first year.
Standing at the foot of the suit of armour, was a headless Ken doll.
Unfortunately, on top of his narcolepsy and ligyrophobia, Ingram also had a deep-seated fear of dolls. (And clowns. But that’s for another day.)
“He be staring at me! Headlessly!” Ingram yelled in terror, and ran down the hall, flailing his arms helter-skelter.
Ingram was so absorbed in his arm flailing, that he did not notice Hermione Granger’s hand darting out from behind a tapestry until it was too late and he was pulled forcefully into a hidden alcove. (Ingram, while a secret passageway aficionado, was not an expert on hidden alcoves.)
Before Ingram could even utter a simple “What the octopus?”, Hermione had thrown him against the wall.
“Oh, Draco,” she sighed, and proceeded to snog him senseless.
a/n: Oooh, cliffie. We won’t be too evil though, we know you are all on the edge of your seats with this one. ;) Now that it’s summer we have more time to update and we’ll try to get back to you sometime soon (after the queue reopens). In case you’re wondering, ligyrophobia is a fear of loud noises. Hope we amused you. As always reviews are much appreciated!
Don’t let Sir Cadogan sneak up on you, sanitariumescapee and madelgranger
Sorry about the insanely long wait, guys! Summer break and school kinda took over for a while there but we have definite plans to get chapter three out really soon. huge thanks to all you amazing reviewers!
~madel (and tari in spirit though not actually typing)
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