Chapter 1 : Just a normal day
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The 6th of June. One year. One year since my entire life has been twisted upside down with no regard to my feelings. I remember everything so clearly...so damn clearly when all I want to do is forget. It’s just not fair how one day you can be a normal witch with no fear of the future and the next day you are haunted by the memories of a horrendous event that doesn’t let you sleep at night no matter how hard you try and no matter how many tears you shed. But I guess that’s just my luck. Or more like my bad luck.
I push that thought out of my mind because I know that I’ll break apart even more if I don’t. Thank Merlin is a Saturday. I don’t think I could stand Snape frowning at me for not doing my essay for the third time this week, or for McGonagall to give me another detention. It would be the sixth in the Transfigurations series.
So...this is one of the main changes that have come over me since the 6th June last year. Failing most of my subjects because if I concentrate too much on something, I risk getting bored; and if I get bored I risk remembering. And I know that all will be lost if I remember.
What is left of me stands up and goes to the girl’s bathroom. As usual, I wake up at 6 just to avoid the fuss of sharing a bedroom with another 200, or so they seem, girls who make a fuss about makeup and what clothes to wear with what shoes. I can’t even remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror properly. I can’t do that yet. The fact that I am...or rather say was a twin helps way too much with the remembering. But I don’t want to think about that now. Not now, not ever again.
The warm shower water falls on my back, as I relax and let the weight of my hair be lost in the steam. I run my fingers through my hair as I untangle the curls. It has grown to reach the middle of my back. I used to wear it shorter, but I don’t interact with people any more, let alone let them touch my hair. You can call me crazy...but a year is hardly enough to make me forget and get on with my life. I need more time.
Suddenly I start feeling the weight on my heart pulling me down to the shower floor. Water starts coming out of my eyes and mixing with the warm water. No, I’m not crying. I’m just allergic to water. Who the hell am I fooling? No one. I could never be a good liar, let alone lie to myself for comfort. Of course I was crying...once or twice a day when I’m alone. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Today it was more, because before I knew it I couldn’t control it.
It must have been an hour or so before I came out of the shower, my eyes puffy and red, as I was struggling with the towel over my hair. My fingers were all wrinkly and my eyes were stinging. With a swift wand movement I dried my hair looking as little as possible in the mirror and then I threw on some muggle clothes which I didn’t even look at properly.
“You okay, Anna?”
Oh Merlin! I shouldn’t have stayed in the shower so long. Now I had to answer that question that sounds so...so...innocent. How I hated it when people just tend to say that instead of a simple “hello”, which would be so much more appreciated in my case. I turn to face Ginny Wesley, while practising a fake smile.
“Yeah...thanks.” I answered avoiding any further conversation. Ginny was my best friend before I started rejecting all the people I cared about. Before I started closing up inside myself and acting numb just so I can get through the day alive.
And I was so mad at myself. They all tried. They really did, especially Ginny who had been worried sick about me ever since. One year on, they all started giving up since there was no change in my behaviour. It was all my fault anyway. I’m the one who chose this route....I guess I am just a weak person. I can’t fight my own feelings and I don’t dare to remember. I can’t start a civil war inside myself, because I know I’ll just lose.
“Do you want to eat breakfast with me?” asked Ginny in a sweet voice. I guess she was the only one who kept trying to bring me back.
I wish I could have said yes. I really do. There was a small part of me that wanted to just open up and try to be brought back “to the light”, but the other part of me, which was most of me, in fact, was too scared to look back. I knew the only way out was through the past, but as I said before, I was too weak to start a civil war with myself. So i just replied with what I usually said:
“Actually...I’m skipping breakfast today. I need to...err...go somewhere.” I said that not daring to look at her. Why did I have to push my best friend away from me? Oh yes...the 6th June last year.
“Anna...why are you doing this?” Ginny sounded concerned, which made me wonder if my situation was becoming worse. I was wondering if I was closing up inside even more. “Harry is really concerned and in fact we all are. It’s been one year...don’t you think it’s time to let go?”
Oh no. Please no! Don’t bring Harry up.
“I have to go, Ginny.”
So I left her in the bathroom, looking after me as if her heart was breaking with mine. She shouldn’t have bought Harry up. He really tried as well. As part of the consequences of trying to get through the day without thinking of the past, I had to let him go as well. My lover. We had planned to get married and go to Peru for our honey moon...one year after we graduated from Hogwarts, since we were both 7th years. But I guess I had to let that go as well as all the other things that made me happy. It was a consequence I had to take.
I was walking down from the Gryffindor tower faster than usual, looking at the floor just in case someone tries to stop me and ask me if I’m okay. I had no idea where I was heading...no idea how to make my day busy. Before I knew it, I was out on the fields, heading towards the Quidditch cupboards. It was a nice day outside and I felt like flying. Flying over the Dark Lake always made me feel better. I could just let myself be embraced by the strong, gallant wind that held no future, past. Just the present. The present that doesn’t hurt as much as the past.
When I opened the wooden doors to the big shed, I actually thought to turn around and go in the opposite direction. Harry was staring at me with those green, bright eyes, behind his round glassed. He was wearing his Quidditch uniform and holding his Nimbus 2000 in his left hand.
“Anna...” He started, but I didn’t hear the rest because I was focusing on re-opening the shed door so that I can get out. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had managed to avoid him for nearly a week. This was not the moment, nor the place to talk to him. I couldn’t.
He caught my arm. I didn’t try to get free, nor turn towards him. I was simply numb. My coping mechanism was trying to focus on anything except for the situation I was in. It was, of course, not that simple, sine Harry made me face him. I looked down at my black converses. The white laces, and the bow I had hurriedly made when getting dressed. They were old and needed replacing....
“Anna, please, listen to me!” Harry’s voice was nearly breaking, as if he was about to cry. I felt his warm skin as he pushed my chin up so that I can look into his eyes.
I tried focusing on anything but him. I looked at the wood behind him and all the old brooms. Damn, this didn’t help. This was the first place we kissed in.
“Why are you doing this to yourself? Listen to me! You don’t need to wear these chains alone. Let me bare them with you.”
He sounded almost desperate to help me. But he couldn’t. I didn’t want him to. I loved him too much to make him go though the 6th June last year with me. I didn’t look at him, which made him close to screaming at me. I knew how much I was hurting him though acting like this. But I had to.
“Anna...please. Let me help you.”
I looked at him. I looked at the intensity of his eyes upon my face, as he run his fingers on my cheek. I didn’t feel frightened by his touch as I felt by other people’s. I opened my mouth to say something, but then I looked down again. It was easier to look down rather than at him. I couldn’t even look at people any more.
“Harry...I have to go.” I said in a soft voice.
“You always have to go. Why are you running away? I don’t get it, Anna....”
“No, Harry. You don’t get it. You never will. I don’t want you to.” I said as I felt the tears coming to my eyes. This wasn’t good. I had to get out of there.
Harry didn’t say anything. I could somehow feel his heart beating as he was coming closer to me. Closer and closer and closer until I was looking up at him again. And then he kissed me. I didn’t try to stop him, nor did I encourage more. My hands wanted to run through his rebellious hair, while my tongue wanted to dance with his. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything....I was just standing there like a statue. He probably felt this, because he stopped kissing me.
“I have to go.” I said in a soft voice. I wanted more....I loved his sweet scent and the warmth of his skin against mine. I loved the way he used to lift me up when we’ve won a Quidditch match and the way he held my had when we went into Hogsmade. We used to be inseparable. The new Lilly and James, as Hermione once said it. But I couldn’t want more. I had to keep myself away from him. He was part of my past, and good or bad; I had to dismiss everything that had to do with it if I wanted to survive and not fall to pieces at his feet.
He turned around, so he was no longer facing me. I hurt him. Again. I felt the tears falling on my cheeks as I quickly got my extremely old broom and headed out of the broom shed. I nearly bumped into Ron on my way out.
“Oh, sorry, Anna.”
Ron was probably the only friend who didn’t try to “open me up”. I sort of thanked him for that. I wasn’t scared of avoiding him, since I knew he wouldn’t bring anything from my past up.
“Have you seen Harry?” he asked giving me a warm smile.
My eyes immediately went on the grass, when he mentioned Harry’s name.
“Broom shed.” I said and without another word, I climbed on my broom and headed into the fresh air, towards the Dark Lake.
It was colder than I imagined, but I didn’t care. As the air was whipping my cheeks, they seemed to erase the feeling of his warm hand. But the wind wouldn’t make me stop feeling his lips on mine...the heat of his had around my waist. I flew as fast as the broom allowed me, with no regard to the direction. My eyes were closed, as if trying to trap the tears that were desperate to get out and conquer my cheeks. I failed. My eye lashes were not long enough to cage my tears, and in the end they won. A few minutes later, they reduced me to sobbing helplessly, which made me lose control of the broom so much, that I fell into the mud and water of the mud flat of the lake. It was one the other side of the castle, so no one saw me. I stood there for what seemed like forever, sobbing so much I struggled to breathe. The mud was everywhere around me and the water was soaking at my jeans. I felt cold but alive. I didn’t care anymore. I just cried and cried and cried, till there were no tears left.
So I guess...this was another normal day in my life. I just hoped there’d be no more crying later. I wish there were no more Harry for today. I have hurt him enough through hurting myself.
*Okay, this is the first chapter. I know It is a bit confusing at first, but since everything is from the point of view of Anna, you'll just have to wait for her to open up and reveal what happened on the 6th June last year. Please review and tell me what you think. Should I continue it? Thanks for reading :)
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