My name is James Potter, and I am probably the thickest, most idiotic, and most insensitive person in the entire world.
Yeah, couldn’t beat that one, could you?
I waved one hand around frantically, probably looking as if I was a patient at the loony bin, swatting around at the voices in my head (actually not entirely wrong, in my case), but really I was trying to make my previous rash statement stop thickening the air between Lily and I.
Come to think of it, my hand-waving probably isn’t much saner than the swatting-at-voices-inside-my-head option.
Sleep together. Honestly, what was I thinking?
“Lily, really, I didn’t –”
“You cheeky, perverted arse!”
Well, really, who would have that that sweet and innocent Lily Evans would take my statement that way? I certainly didn’t.
“You’re so impossibly demeaning, treating girls like objects; you’re as bad as Black now and honestly, I didn’t even expect that you could stoop so low, Potter –” she spat, waving angrily, her red hair flying in her eyes as she shook her head at me.
I was barely paying attention.
When she was angry, it was as if she became ten times more attractive – and trust me, Lily was already gorgeous enough, with her wide emerald eyes communicating so much anger, her full lips turned down into a frown, her free hand looking like it was resisting the urge to slap me across the cheek.
“– would have expected better of you or he wouldn’t have made you Head Boy, I am absolutely disgusted with you! You should be ashamed of yourself!”
I decided now was a good time to interrupt – otherwise she’d get too worked up.
“LILY!” I roared, and she fell silent, even though the way she glared daggers at me was loud enough on its own.
“You probably still won’t believe me, but honestly, Lily, I didn’t mean it like that! I’m not Sirius, I have more dignity than that.”
“Only slightly,” she snapped back, emerald eyes flashing angrily.
“I wouldn’t suggest to a girl outright –”
“You’ve certainly been outspoken enough about other things. For example, you haven’t ever been hesitant about asking me out, so why should you be –”
“Have I asked you out this year?” I exploded, quite exasperatedly, and that shut her up.
See, it was all part of a Moony/Prongs strategy – Operation Win-Lily-Evans’-Heart-And-Perhaps-More.
I came up with the name, and I am quite proud of it!
Her face turned a pleasant shade of pink.
Ah, Lily, hate is such a passionate emotion – quite similar, in fact, to looooove.
“Admit it,” I challenged. “Admit that I haven’t asked you out recently.”
“You haven’t,” she mumbled.
VICTORY IS MIIIIIINE!
“Ha!” I exclaimed, pointing at her. “Now, since you’ve been proved wrong, you’ll have to accept me as the only alternative. If you want to get any rest at all tonight, we’ll have to sleep in the same room – or, to put it differently, we’ll have to sleep next to each other. Excuse me for not clarifying this earlier, but you seemed to want to make your case before I could make mine,” I finished proudly.
I think I may have just outsmarted Lily Evans. She certainly seemed gobsmacked by my amazingly amazing and logical reasoning.
James Potter, one – Lily Evans, zero.
I waited patiently for her to regain her wits – well, rather impatiently, actually, but I pretended to be patient.
“I – I –”
“Yes?” I asked, trademark Potter smug smirk turning my lips upwards.
“I guess…that idea wasn’t half-bad.”
“No,” I corrected proudly, “it wasn’t half-amazing.”
Wait. I’m not quite sure that made sense.
And if it did, I think I just insulted myself.
“No, no!” I half shouted. “I meant that it was…a really good idea,” I muttered hurriedly, hyperaware of her exasperated glare on me.
“Smart idea,” I agreed. “This is why you’re Head Girl, Lily; this is why you’re Head Girl.”
A smile appeared on her face before she could help it, and she turned away, pulling her wand out.
“Accio Pajamas!” we said in unison, waving our wands, and my short sleeved shirt and pajama bottoms zoomed down the stairs and hit me right smack dab in the middle of my face.
Pleasant.
Lily had caught her worn and wrinkled pajamas with a skilled hand, and I turned around to face her.
“Nice catch,” I informed her, and she whirled around, a confused expression on her face. “Why didn’t you ever try out for the Quidditch team?”
She turned red and muttered something incoherent. I furrowed my brows.
“Come again?"
“I’m…sort of – not really – well, mostly – I’m afraid of heights,” she stammered, her cheeks flaming.
I let out a stunned sort of laugh. Actually, I hadn’t thought that Lily was afraid of anything.
Looks like I’ll need to update my stalking – I mean, my information sources – I mean – oh, forget about it. There’s no point in preventing myself from seeing the truth.
I am a stalker.
Merlin, I think I’ll go hide myself in a hole from the shame…
…or alternately, continue my stalkage of Lily some other time.
I think I’ll go with the second option.
“You’re afraid of heights? Really? Why?”
“Erm, it might have stemmed from first year, flying lesson.”
“What –”
“Nothing important, just – I may have flown into a tree and had to stay there for an hour before someone came and found me.” She sounded almost embarrassed.
“What was I doing?”
“You were playing catch with Black – right by my tree, might I add,” she said, somewhat disapprovingly.
Oh. Now I remember. In my defense, it was a really cracking game of catch.
“Sorry,” I apologized sheepishly, scratching the back of my head with my free hand.
“What’s done is done.”
We stood in silence for another moment, and then Lily broke it again.
“Oh, hell,” she spat vehemently – it was almost a swear word for her.
“Lily?”
“How are we going to get our pajamas on if we’re attached like this?” she turned to me, raising our stuck hands and shaking them.
She's right.
“Just a second,” I muttered, and waved my wand again.
“Accio mirror!” I said, and Lily raised her eyebrows at me.
“A mirror?” she asked incredulously. “A mirror’s going to get us out of this situation? Now is not the time to narcissistically admire your face, Potter.”
“You’ll see,” I retorted, catching the mirror in my right hand as it flew for my face.
What is with my Summoning Charms and the object that I’m Summoning flying at my face? I’ll need to practice a little more.
“Sirius Black,” I said into the mirror, adding under my breath, “or more like Idiot McThickpants.”
“I heard that!” the man himself pouted as his face appeared on the mirror’s glass.
“Black?” Lily gasped, staring into the mirror. “How did you get there?”
“That’s for Marauders to know and for Maraudering girls never to find out.”
“I am not one of your girls!” Lily exclaimed angrily. Sirius winked at her.
“Did I say you were?”
“Ooh!” Lily seethed, looking like she wanted to punch his face in. “It was implied!”
“Padfoot!” I hastily interrupted, waving my free hand at the glass.
“Prongsie, my man!” I rolled my eyes.
“Padfoot, be serious for once.”
“I am!” he replied innocently. “That’s my name!”
“You know, that joke got old in first year, Black,” Lily put in furiously.
“Pads, is there any possible way Lily and I can get into our pajamas?”
“Oh, of course!” he cried. “You can definitely get dressed, or undressed, am I right, Evans?” He waggled his eyebrows at her, and she growled.
Honest to Merlin, she literally growled.
“Sirius, there are limits, you know,” I said, trying to sound mature. Padfoot snorted.
“Look who’s talking,” he snickered.
“Sirius! Is that all?” I asked, starting to get annoyed. Lils was already past that point, however.
“Oh – there’s a time limit for getting dressed or undressed,” he informed me easily. “Two minutes. And you have to tell the spell that you’re getting clothed. Unless…” he smirked. “If you two would like to get intimate –” Lily gasped “– all you have to do is tell it that you are.”
“Padfoot!” I exclaimed, almost outraged. Not that I wouldn’t enjoy some intimacy with Lily – just that I’d rather it happen when Lily was willing.
“Oh – and don’t try to take advantage of it, Evans, so that you can get some time away from Jamesy here,” he warned. “I’m notified every time you decide to get it on. If I think you’re misusing it, I just might burst in on you – wherever you are.”
Lily’s eyes were like two wide, emerald plates. I could probably say the same for my own.
“Sirius? Are you talking to James?” I heard from the back, and suddenly Remus pushed Sirius out of the way.
“Prongs! Good to see you, mate.”
“Same to you, Moony,” I told him, and I could see Lily’s face move into shock – probably wondering how I was managing to keep my cool so well.
Years of practicing while you yelled at me, Lily dear, years of practice.
“Remus!” she practically shouted, leaning over the mirror. “Did you hear what – what Black was –” She was still livid.
“Why, a wonderful evening to you too, Lily,” Moony told her, smiling kindly. “Yes, I heard all of Sirius’ warnings, and Lily, you mustn’t blame him – it’s his nature for being so stupid –”
“Hey!” Sirius exclaimed, frowning as he pushed his way back into the frame.
“Black, you’d better clear off, or I swear I will drag Potter along with me all the way to Gryffindor tower just to hex your sorry arse so badly that –”
“Okay!” I interrupted, before things could get any worse. “We’ll be off to bed now. Remus, Sirius, good night, mates, and –”
“James!” I heard, and Peter appeared in the frame of the mirror.
Dear Merlin, what was with my friends and interruptions?
“Hey, Peter,” I rolled my eyes. “What’s up?”
“I found my lost piece of cheese, look!” He raised it up to the mirror, and I flinched in disgust.
“That’s nice, Peter – you’re not going to eat that anymore, are you?”
He looked slightly disappointed. “Fine, I won’t.”
“Goodnight, mates!” I exclaimed, and put away the mirror before anything else could happen.
Lily looked to be still in shock.
“Lily?” I asked, poking her lightly on one arm. “Are you all right?”
She recovered then, I could tell you that for sure.
“No, Potter, I am not all right!” she snapped at me, pushing my hand off her arm. “Especially not after Black insinuated such – such obscenities!”
“That’s Sirius for you,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
“Will you stop that!” she exploded at me. “No one needs to see your hair messed up for the umpteenth time!”
I froze with my hand halfway through my hair, and slowly lowered it.
“Lily?” I asked hesitantly. “You might want to calm down?”
She glared daggers at me again, and I wondered if saying that was the right decision to make.
Oh, well. Whoever said that James Potter always makes the right decisions?
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