“Cake or death, that’s a pretty easy question, anyone can answer that. ‘Cake or death?’ ‘Errr cake please.’”
A/N: Perhaps that quote isn’t the best when written, but it’s funny to watch and somewhat relevant to I decided to include it. Anyway, welcome ladies and gentlemen to the (sometimes shocking) adventures of Trolley lady in this completely bizarre and random fic, which for whatever reason, decided to spawn in my crazy little brain. If you don’t like random humour about old ladies who were involved in almost every conspiracy known to man, have a strangely sinister side and battle Dark Lords then maybe this isn’t for you. If, however, that you, like me, are a crazy person, welcome my brothers and sisters for the story you have been waiting for. Read on and tell me what you think.
Disclaimer: This story is a fictional work created by prongs_potter and real-life events did not occur in the manner in which they are described (or did they)!
It was the morning of the 1st of September; the beginning of a new term at Hogwarts and, as soon as her alarm sounded, Trolley lady leapt out of bed. She immediately regretted the sudden movement, however, as her head gave a painful throb, forcefully reminding her of the many bottles of Vodka she had drunk the previous night. The Sambuca shots probably weren’t a good idea either, but it was a Friday night and she was eighty years old; you’re only young once. Finding her handbag amongst the previous night’s discarded clothes, Trolley lady fished out a pepper-up potion and drunk it in one big gulp before starting to get dressed.
As she put on her work clothes, Trolley lady glanced at her bed and was relieved to find that this time it wasn’t occupied by a young man. ‘Or a team of gymnasts.’ She thought to herself, chuckling at the memory. With her headache now cleared, the octogenarian had a large smile on her face as she prepared for one of only four work days this year, thinking fondly of the magical castle and the beautiful scarlet train, bustling with life and excitement. Wanting to get to the station early, Trolley lady wasted no time in getting ready and was soon wheeling her trolley out of the front door of her apartment.
“Good morning Dave.” She called out as she spotted her neighbour emerging from his flat.
“Morning Trolley lady.” Dave replied, with a smile and a wink. “Off to work?”
“I certainly am.”
“What train is it you work on exactly?” Dave asked. “You never did tell me.”
“I’m afraid, if I told you that, I’d have to kill you.” Trolley lady replied.
The man known as Dave laughed heartily, but Trolley lady narrowed her eyes as she watched him leave the apartment block; he was getting too close, if he grew any more suspicious she would have to take him out, just as she had that JFK fellow. Shaking her head to clear the memory, Trolley lady brought herself back to the present and quickly double-checked that her trolley was stacked with enough chocolate frogs, before following Dave out the building.
Breathing in the crisp, autumn air, Trolley lady began her short walk to King’s Cross station, her trolley rattling as its wheels passed over the uneven surface of the pavement. Soon, she arrived at the station but as she walked into the entrance, she began to be plagued by the feeling that she had forgotten something. The elderly woman wracked her brains, but, try as she might, she couldn’t come up with the answer until, suddenly, a large explosion rocked the station, coming from the direction of her apartment. ‘Of course,’ Trolley lady remembered, ‘I left the gas on’. With her mind now at ease, she continued through the station, dodging bits of debris and those who were running around and screaming in panic at what they had just heard.
Her memory wasn’t what it once was. Just last month, she had been half way through performing an appendectomy when she realised that she’d actually come to the hospital to visit her old friend Ethel. Fortunately, she had watched an episode of House the previous night and was able to complete the surgery without any complications before making a quick exit, leaving the surgeons present wondering why their new, eighty year old colleague had come to the hospital wearing slippers and why she had wheeled a trolley full of chocolates and sweets into surgery. Of course, even that incident wasn’t as embarrassing as the time she had wandered into McDonalds wearing nothing but a smile.
“That was certainly a very traumatising children’s party.” Trolley lady chuckled to herself. “But, they seemed to enjoy the pumpkin pasties all the same.”
A young couple looked a little oddly at the old woman, who seemed to be talking to herself, but Trolley lady just gave them a smile and they hurriedly crossed to the other side of the platform. Pushing her trolley along, Trolley lady continued to make her way over to Platform nine and three quarters, glancing around to make sure that no one was watching, before slipping though the barrier and on to the deserted platform. Staring at the beautiful ruby engine, she couldn’t help but feel a sense of awe overcome her, just as she had the first time she had laid eyes on it all those years ago. Its glittering sheen always reminded her of the trip she’d taken to Roswell as a young woman; she had been such a prankster back then.
Opening the door of the old locomotive, Trolley lady lifted her trolley up and stepped inside, before making her way towards the front. It was still too early for the students to be boarding, but the driver always arrived an hour before the train departed and Trolley lady liked to see him before their journey began.
“Good morning Driver.” Trolley lady greeted the suave and handsome middle-aged man who drove the train.
“Morning Trolley lady.” The driver replied with a smile, his eyes lighting up at the sight of the old woman. “And may I say that you are looking absolutely gorgeous this morning.”
“You may,” Trolley lady replied flirtatiously, “but only if I may respond by saying that you are a dishy young man who shouldn’t give an old lady ideas.”
“Old, Trolley lady?” The driver asked, in apparent shock. “Why you don’t look a day over twenty one, I don’t know how the teachers keep their hands off you.”
“You are terrible Driver,” Trolley lady said with a laugh, “but I forgive you for it.”
The driver glanced out the window and, as a brief silence filled the carriage, Trolley lady heard voices drifting towards them from the platform.
“The students are starting to arrive.” The driver spoke. “I suppose, I better get this old thing fired up and you’ll be wanting to prepare for your rounds, but I will talk to you later.”
Trolley lady agreed before she walked to the door and started to make her way to the other end of the train. There, she checked her trolley to make sure that she was stocked up on all the sweets and food stuffs she sold and, finding that she was adequately supplied, took a seat so that she could let her mind drift.
Trolley lady smiled; her flirtations with the driver made her feel so young. They took her back thirty years to the swinging sixties; the decade she had spent in the United States of America. She had already been the trolley lady on the Hogwarts express for a number of years and, though she loved her job, her heart yearned for more and so she set out for the new world and California, where she could pursue her dream of becoming the most famous trolley lady on the planet. She had spent the decade hanging around with the stars and using her charms to get into studios and film sets where she would offer sweets to the most famous actors and actresses of the day.
One such occasion, for some reason, stuck out in her mind above the rest. It was towards the end of her time in the States and she had been in Hollywood where, as usual, she had managed to charm her way into a studio and had wandered into a film set, pushing her trolley along as she went. As she entered the giant room, Trolley lady had been struck by the incredible technology on display and how life-like the sets looked, depicting the surface of the moon and the earth beyond. An actor was dressed in a strange suit, complete with helmet, and was descending the stairs of a futuristic vehicle and, as Trolley lady watched, he began to speak;
“That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”
Trolley lady decided that this was as good a time as any to make her entrance and so bustled onto the set, past stunned camera men and directors until she reached the two apparent stars of the picture.
“Would you like anything from the trolley dears?” She asked.
Before she could get a response, however, she found herself being dragged from the room by two large men, dressed in dark, official-looking suits. The two agents had then forced her and her trolley into a car and sped away from the studio, not stopping until they had escaped Hollywood entirely, all through the journey, warning Trolley lady of the consequences of opening her mouth.
Trolley lady smiled at the memory; she had seen the film later that year and was severely disappointed. Though the set had been hugely impressive, the picture quality was terrible and the film itself completely lacking a plot, yet, strangely, everyone with a television set had watched it and they all seemed to be terribly excited by it. Shaking her head at the mystery, Trolley lady felt the train start to move and so began her journey through the carriages to deliver sweets and chocolate to the students of Hogwarts.
Entering the first compartment of her round, Trolley lady found herself in the company of a small group of, what she recognised to be, new first years. Smiling at the nervous young children, she manoeuvred her trolley into the compartment and addressed the room as a whole.
“Welcome to the Hogwarts express dears.” She said kindly. “I am the trolley lady who breaks up this dreadfully long journey with some of the finest Wizarding treats and sweets. Would you like anything?”
“What would you recommend?” Asked the most confident member of the group.
“Pumpkin pasties are a particular speciality of mine.” Trolley lady replied. “I bake them myself.”
“I’ll try one of those then please.” The girl said, handing over the appropriate amount of money (which the author won’t go into without the books with him to check up on prices).
Biting into the pasty, the young witch looked thoughtful before her expression turned quickly to one of disgust.
“That’s horrible.” She exclaimed, quickly washing away the taste with her drink.
Trolley lady raised her eyebrows in surprise. “I’m sorry dear, I don’t believe I heard you correctly.”
“I said your pumpkin pasties are horrible. You really shouldn’t be allowed to sell such-”
The first year stopped suddenly as she felt the temperature in the room plummet. Fixing her gaze with that of Trolley lady, the young witch found herself on the receiving end of the most furious Death-glare she had ever witnessed and her eyes widened in terror.
“I-I mean it’s really not that bad.” She backtracked under Trolley lady’s hateful stare. “I wasn’t used to the taste before, but thinking about it, your pumpkin pasties really are delicious.”
The girl took a large bite out of the pasty to support her point, smiling widely as she chewed the orange fruit. Trolley lady smiled.
“Why thank you dear.” She said pleasantly, no hint of conflict present in her voice or expression.
Exiting the compartment, Trolley lady found herself starting to reminisce once more; it was impossible for her not to be reminded of the last time someone had found her pumpkin pasties not to their liking. The year was 1962 and she had found herself in Brentwood, California, in the home of one of her favourite actresses; Marilyn Monroe. Trolley lady had just moved to California in her quest to become a famous trolley lady and had wheeled her trolley to the actress’ home, offering delicious sweets and chocolate.
Marilyn had always been prone to the odd treat and had allowed the charming English woman into her house.
“It’s so sweet of you to drop by with these snacks, erm, I’m sorry I don’t know your name.” Monroe spoke, as she led Trolley lady into her bedroom.
“It’s Trolley lady.” Trolley lady replied. “Would you like a pumpkin pasty?”
“Thanks Trolley lady. I’ve never tried a pumpkin pasty before, but I’ll try one right now.”
Taking the wizarding snack, the actress hungrily sunk her teeth into it, her expression slowly changing to distaste as she reluctantly swallowed the pasty.
“It’s not really to my taste.” Marilyn said as she placed the rest of the pasty on her bedside table.
“I’m sorry Miss Monroe, I don’t think I quite heard you correctly.” Trolley lady responded.
“No offense Trolley lady, you seem like a real nice woman, but your pumpkin pasties aren’t very nice.”
Trolley lady froze in shock at the famous movie star’s last statement, her eyes turning cold as the words sunk in. Turning to her trolley as Monroe turned away from her, Trolley lady subtly took a large bottle of barbiturates from the cart and grabbed another pumpkin pasty.
“Perhaps you would indulge me and have one more taste?” Trolley lady asked with a smile.
Getting lost in memories of the past was a problem for Trolley lady who had been blessed and cursed with a full and action-packed life and, as she continued her journey through the long corridor of the Hogwarts express, she forced herself to return to the present. Starting, as she always did, at the back of the train, Trolley lady made her way over to the next compartment; one, she recalled, that was regularly used by Slytherins. Walking into the compartment, Trolley lady found herself, once again, face to face with young Draco Malfoy, who was sat with a group of his Slytherin cohorts.
“Anything from the Trolley dears?” Trolley lady asked and several of the students dug some money out of their pockets.
As she distributed the sweets and chocolates among the students, Trolley lady allowed herself a glance at Draco and found that he met her gaze. A small smile on her face, Trolley lady winked at the Slytherin prince and Malfoy blushed a deep crimson before turning away, though, Trolley lady noted, he was smirking slightly, good memories dancing in his mind’s eye. Completing the transactions, she gave one last glance to Draco Malfoy before backing out of the compartment and turning to walk further down the train.
It was at that moment that Trolley Lady knew something wasn’t right, sensing a disturbance in the force. Suddenly, with a shriek of brakes, the giant train ground to a halt and an unnaturally silence fell upon the carriages as frightened students wondered what was going on. Deep within his veins, Harry Potter already knew and, standing in his compartment with Ron and Hermione, he drew his wand, his expression a picture of determination as he prepared to fight. Knowing that the younger students, and the older ones for that matter, would be terrified, Harry sent Ron and Hermione to check upon them as he awaited the arrival of Lord Voldemort for, what he was sure would be, the final battle. A small pop rang out in the silence of his compartment and Harry quickly spun around, only to find himself face to face with Albus Dumbledore, who raised his hands in surrender.
Harry lowered his wand and for a second neither man spoke as they gazed at each other, knowing that the other perfectly understood the situation. Suddenly, there was a BANG and the train shook from the force of an almighty blow, almost causing Harry and Dumbledore to lose their footing, before they managed to recover.
“The Order?” Harry asked.
“They’re on their way,” the headmaster replied, “as is Voldemort. He is our target Harry. We can’t allow the students of Hogwarts to fall into his hands.
Harry nodded. “That’s not an option.” He said, gathering his courage. “Let’s do it.”
At that moment, the compartment door opened and Harry and Dumbledore quickly turned their wands to the potential threat, only to find themselves looking upon a cheerful trolley lady.
“I just want to wish you both good luck,” Trolley lady said, seriously, “we’re all counting on you.”
Harry exchanged a bewildered glance with his headmaster as Trolley lady backed out of the compartment and shut the door, before shaking himself out of it and turning back to the problem at hand.
Strolling through the corridor of the panic stricken train as the screams of students pounded mercilessly at her eardrums, Trolley lady couldn’t help but think back on the last time she had found herself involved in the final battle of a wizarding war.
It was 1945 and a young Trolley lady had just been released from prison where she had served seven years for littering and conspiracy to commit high treason. Wandering the streets of Nottingham, she had suddenly found herself in the midst of a great battle and, standing perfectly still, frozen in awe, she looked upon hundreds upon hundreds of wizards, witches, beasts and beings as they furiously fought to the death. Curses and hexes of all kinds and colours were exchanged and Trolley lady was forced to take cover behind a large rock as the fighting moved her way and the deadly green bolt of the killing curse struck the ground by her feet.
Strangely, as she was able to look around her surroundings, Trolley lady found herself gazing at a metal trolley, filled to the brim with wizarding sweets and treats and inexplicably standing by a large rock in the middle of a field that happened to be the site of a magical battle. She had little time to ponder further upon this oddity, however, because at that moment, goosebumps spread across the surface of her skin as she was overwhelmed by raw magical power and, looking up, she saw Albus Dumbledore engaged in mortal combat with Gellert Grindelwald. ‘That’s strange,’ Trolley lady thought, ‘I thought there was something going on between them’.
Turning her attention back to the battle, Trolley lady was amazed by the sheer power of the two men and, on more than one occasion, was forced to duck for cover as one of their spells was deflected her way. Eventually, Dumbledore started to gain the upper hand and, with one final push, managed to overwhelm the dark wizard and struck him down dead. Reticently, Trolley lady emerged from her hiding place, only to find a wand pointed between her eyes as Dumbledore spun to face the potential threat. Trolley lady slowly raised her hands and, recognising her, the transfiguration teacher lowered his weapon as an uncomfortable silence developed between the two of them. Turning to the trolley beside her, Trolley lady reached out and, feeling almost as if she was fulfilling her destiny, pulled the metal cart towards her before fixing her eyes onto Dumbledore once more. “Anything from the trolley professor?”
Shaking her head to clear the memory of her origin story, Trolley lady mused on the workings of fate and briefly wondered what she might have done if that trolley would not have been stood there that fateful night. She had taken up the profession at once after the battle, finding it convenient that her job should fit her name. Of course, there had already been a trolley lady on the Hogwarts express at that time, but Trolley lady had seen to that little problem easily enough.
Coming back to reality, Trolley lady continued to walk through her train as dark curses struck the walls all around her, somehow never coming close to the lady herself as she started to whistle. At that moment, however, the train wall before her crumbled inwards and a black cloaked man leapt onto the locomotive, his wand gripped tightly in his hand and directed at the old woman’s heart. The Death Eater laughed.
“The grave is calling you Trolley lady.” He spoke, mockingly. “You’ve served your last pumpkin pie.”
“Oh I don’t think so dear.” Trolley lady smiled pleasantly, before quickly grabbing a plastic jug from her cart and throwing its contents towards the evil wizard.
The Death Eater laughed once more as the water fell onto the floor, not a drop falling on his black robes that marked him as a servant of the Dark Lord.
“Nice try my dear Trolley lady, but you seem to have missed. And besides, believe it or not, I am not the wicked witch of the west; I will not be melting any time soon.”
With that, the Death Eater stepped forward, thrusting his wand at the old woman, only for his eyes to widen in shock and horror as his foot slipped on the slick surface of the carriage floor and he was sent tumbling to the ground, his killing curse blasting into the ceiling. Falling backwards, the Dark wizard did not react in time to break his fall and his head hit the floor with a resounding THUMP, killing him instantly.
Looking down upon her latest victim, Trolley lady gave a small smile, before continuing forward, pushing her trolley along as she navigated her way past the Dead body. As she continued on her journey, several more attempts were made on her life, including one in which a Death Eater pounced out of a compartment right in front of the octogenarian, only to be incapacitated when Trolley lady’s trolley ran over his toes and, in great pain, he hopped into the path of a comrade’s killing curse. On her way through the train, Trolley lady managed to help many children to safety and, eventually, she reached the end of the corridor and the final compartment.
Her keen trolleying instincts told her that there was a Death Eater inside and so the old woman decided to enter the compartment quickly so as to catch the evil witch or wizard off guard. Opening the door, Trolley lady felt it bang into something hard and, as she walked inside, was shocked to see none other than Bellatrix Lestrange go tumbling out of the open window. The peace in the compartment didn’t last, however, as, with a pop, Bellatrix apparated back into the train, her face contorted in a furious snarl.
“I will kill you for that.” The Death Eater screeched, thrusting her wand in Trolley lady’s face.
“Of course dear, you have to do what you have to do. But, before you kill me, perhaps I can interest you in an every-flavour bean, I seem to remember you having quite the taste for them in your student days.”
Bellatrix looked oddly at the woman but took bean anyway and smiled at the taste as she popped it in her mouth. Her expression soon changed, however, and, as she swallowed the sweet, she looked at Trolley lady in horror and grasped desperately at her throat before keeling over onto the floor. The three terrified students in the compartment looked at the old lady in shock, but Trolley lady just smiled at them and said;
“Poison flavour. I’ve been saving that one for thirty years.”
Surprised but hugely relieved and grateful, the children thanked Trolley lady profusely before scrambling out of the compartment and away from the under-siege train. With the locomotive now cleared of students, Trolley lady wheeled her trolley outside where, for the second time in her life, she found herself in the midst of a great and deadly battle. Bodies already littered the grass around the Hogwarts express and the Order of the Phoenix, fighting beside the Aurors, were overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of their opposition. Lord Voldemort was fighting beside almost a dozen of his most powerful Death Eaters against Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore and Trolley lady could tell that the two champions of the light were starting to tire.
It was Dumbledore who went down first; distracted by a huge flash of blinding white light, he dropped his guard for just a second and that was enough for the Dark Lord to hit the old man with a powerful blasting curse, which sent him flying into the Hogwarts express. Striking the scarlet engine with force, the headmaster slumped to the ground unconscious, blood trickling down his long white beard. Harry did his best to ignore his fallen mentor and fought on bravely, but without Dumbledore by his side, the young warrior was quickly overwhelmed and, as magical exhaustion started to set in, one of Voldemort’s curses broke through his shield and struck him in the chest. Harry too was sent flying backwards and landed by his headmaster’s side, grimacing in pain as he felt bones break and he fought against the strong pull of unconsciousness. The Dark Lord followed his attack with a quick and powerful killing curse and Harry just managed to gather enough power to conjure a silver shield, which managed to deflect the curse away from him and towards Trolley lady where, to her horror, it struck her trolley.
As Harry Potter collapsed into unconsciousness, the trolley was sent clattering to the floor and chocolates and sweets of all kinds spilled out on to the ground. For a moment, time seemed to slow and the combatants all turned towards Trolley lady as she stared down at her trolley, before slowly turning her gaze upon Voldemort. The Dark Lord was shocked to see the ferocity of the old woman’s gaze and, as she spoke, he almost took a step back as her voice was ice cold;
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Clearly a little freaked out by the implied threat, Voldemort quickly directed his wand at Trolley lady and cried “Avada Kedavra!” The deadly, green bolt of light sped towards the octogenarian with incredible speed but Trolley lady, her reflexes honed to perfection by years of trolleying, stomped down on her trolley, flipping it into the air where it took the force of the powerful curse with a resounding CLANG. Even as gravity took hold of the trolley and started to pull it back to earth, Trolley lady went on the offensive and lashed out at the metal cart with a spinning kick, sending it flying towards the shocked Dark Lord.
Voldemort didn’t react in time to the surprise attack and, as it struck, the weight of the trolley sent him crashing to the floor, his head spinning from the almighty blow. He didn’t have time to gather his thoughts, however, as he sensed a missile being sent his way and rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the sharp corner of a chocolate frog card, which buried itself into the ground where his head had just been. Jumping to his feet, the Dark Lord was shocked to see a veritable army of chocolate frogs hopping his way and, in his surprise, offered no resistance as the deliciously charmed amphibians jumped upon him, covering his eyes and hands as he desperately tried to fight them off.
Summoning up as much power as he could muster, Voldemort released a pulse of pure magical energy, repelling the frogs from his body, before melting them with a sweep of his wand. Turning his attention back to Trolley lady, the Dark Lord just managed to duck in time to avoid a pumpkin pasty to the face and quickly sent a killing curse hurtling her way. Trolley lady simply back-flipped out of the curse’s path and landed in the splits, neatly ducking the disembowelment hex Riddle had shot at her as he tracked her through the air.
Rolling back up to her feet, Trolley lady whipped her hand from her apron and flung a tiny sweet at Voldemort, watching satisfied as the ear wax flavoured bean flew directly into his mouth. The Dark Lord was distracted for only a second by the foul taste, but it was enough. This time, Trolley lady’s pumpkin pasty found its mark. Bits of pumpkin goo covered Lord Voldemort’s face, blinding the powerful wizard and giving Trolley lady the advantage, which she exploited as the Dark Lord wiped the orange fruit matter from his eyes.
As his vision cleared once more, the wizard formerly known as Tom Riddle gasped in shock at the sight before him. Trolley lady gave the Dark Lord a satisfied smirk as she wandlessly levitated the Hogwarts express above her head;
“I’m afraid Tom, you have reached the end of the line.” She quipped, before flinging the massive train at her nemesis.
The Dark Lord could do nothing but watch, his wand pointed uselessly at the ground, as the giant mass of metal flew his way. Trolley lady didn’t miss her target and hundreds of tons crashed down upon Voldemort as the Hogwarts express crushed him into the ground. For almost a minute, silence reigned and the assembled crowd stood perfectly still in shock, not daring to believe that he was dead, that their nightmare was finally over. Eventually, cautiously, Professor McGonagall stepped forward to examine the body, sifting through the rubble until her fingers found the Dark Lord’s neck and searched for any sign of a pulse.
“He’s dead.” She muttered, shocked.
Trolley lady just gave a small smile of satisfaction, before turning to her right and extending her hand, silently and wandlessly summoning her trolley to her, as the sweets scattered all over the floor obediently flew back to their rightful places upon the cart. Turning to where a shocked Harry Potter and even more shocked Albus Dumbledore lay bloody on the floor, she opened her mouth to speak;
“Anything from the trolley dears?”
A/N: Oh yes, Trolley lady there, displaying her James Bond like cool under pressure, in fact I heard that Trolley lady was the real life Bond, disguised by powerful glamour charms (I’m just passing on the rumour). Like I said, completely random, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway and, if so, review and tell me what you think and if not review and tell me what you think. I will respond to all reviews and all reviews are welcome, no matter how unnecessarily mean and soul-destroying they are.
P.S. My brother has written an absolutely hilarious and equally random story (much better than this one) called Remus Lupin: Master of the Robot, which is in my Favourite Stories. Please do check it out and leave him a review, I promise you, you won't regret it.
Write a Review The Adventures of Trolley lady: The Adventures of Trolley lady