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Comatose by No_oneKnows
Chapter 7 : Elephants and Their Butts
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 15

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7. Elephants and their Butts

Can you imagine what would happen if the Weasleys came barging through the door like a marching band just then? It would have been complete hell.

“Oh, how I missed you,” Sirius sighed dramatically, as he pulled back, his grip around me still tight. Oh, get over it princess.

I shoved him away from me with horror. That was gross, gross, gross!  Not really.  “Sirius, I swear to Merlin, if you ever do that again,” I paused. What would I do...? “I'd slap you silly with a dead fish!” Nice... Bravo... Give me a clap. 

Sirius looked at me weirdly before smiling, rocking on the balls of his feet like a stupid teen.

“Get over it Sirius,” I muttered, walking away from him. Yes, get over it. Imagine the title we would've given ourselves if we'd actually gotten together. If I hadn’t gotten knocked out cold for twenty years. The two greatest players of Hogwarts had it going on, oh if only.

The Weasley's and the two H's (Harry and Hermione) came home with multiple bags the size of, I don't know, an elephant's butt.

“I hope he didn't scare you,” Hermione told me as I helped with unpacking her bag in our room. She must've thought that I thought that he was that murderer who killed thirteen people. Hrmp. I could've smashed a bludger into his head and fed him to the school's supply of blast-ended skrewts if I wanted to. And she thinks I was scared of him. Ha! Don't make me laugh. Wait, I just did...

Hermione smiled at me cheerily, “So you two got to know each other!” My face fell. She thought I was laughing because I thought he was funny! Ha! Not even in your craziest dreams.

“So, what did you get up to today?” Hermione smiled kindly.

“You know, stuff,” I muttered. How would I tell her that I had confessed to Sirius that we were to be parents, we played owl and rat around the house and we kissed? Heck, that would be insanely absurd.

She smiled widely and I forced a smile back.

“Girls, Molly has dinner ready,” Sirius said from the door. I found myself leering at him as he smirked innocently.

Hermione nodded and left the bags on her bed, stepping past Sirius.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and waited for me to get out. I glared at him, not moving from the spot. Freak.

“Are you going to come down for dinner or not?” he finally said, smiling widely.

I continued glaring at him, leering at him suspiciously as I walked past. He suddenly grabbed at my waist as I pushed past him and I slapped him hard on the side of the head. He grunted before smiling lopsidedly.

“Watch it Black.” I growled. I could remove both your sacks with a slip of my knee. Of course I didn’t say that.

“But I've missed you,” he whined, growling into my neck lightly. Oh geez, get off.

I pushed him hard on the chest and ran away like a little sissy girl. Okay, not like a sissy. I skidded down the corridor and ran down the stairs as Sirius chased after me. This time, I managed not to scream.

“Calm down girls,” Mrs. Weasley reprimanded us as I entered the kitchen, Sirius right behind me. I giggled. She called him a girl!

“That's right Selene, calm down.” Sirius muttered, grinning. I rolled my eyes. Oh, shut up.

I sat myself right in between Harry and George (yum) and groaned lightly as Sirius sat directly across from me. Does he exist just to annoy the living snot out of me?

He started kicking lightly at my shins and I gritted my teeth, hands twisting and writhing in my lap. I had desperately violent thoughts in my head.

I leant forward as the two boys beside me leaned back to talk to each other.

“Can you stop?” I hissed at a beaming Sirius. Bloody Baron, never in my life had I had to endure this much torture. Well, never in my life had I had to be confined in the same house as him!

Sirius continued beaming, only until I kicked him hard on the shin did he stop.

“Mum, why aren't we eating?” Ron whined from two seats down.

“We're waiting for people, dear,” Mrs. Weasley called back. People... Sigh. Why can they not come early?

The doorbell rang and Sirius immediately jumped to his feet. Much to my delight, my foot was still in between his legs and he banged his head on the edge of the table. I snorted with laughter, as Sirius got back up again, tears watery from pain. Oh, the torture.

He cast me a glare before turning on his feet like a sissy veela and went somewhere. Probably to open the door. But who knows. He could've gone to the bathroom and flushed himself down the toilet for all I cared. Actually... no, that wouldn't do. The clogging would be horrible.

“Remus!” I heard a yell from the door. I immediately choked on my butterbeer and made desperate rasping sounds from the back of my throat. REMUS? Remus Lupin? Oh dear, this Christmas is plain old hell and Sirius is the devil.

I continued coughing and hiccupping even when Remus walked through the door. I let out a foul phlegmy cough and Harry patted me on the back, hard. Merlin, what it took me to not hit back at him. That was self control right there.

“Moony, you'll never guess!” Sirius said loudly as the two walked in the room, a girl with pink hair right behind them.  

Remus appeared with tattered robes, his face expressing some strain. His appearance was not quite how I remembered him from school. His scars had multiplied by a thousand billion and his hair thinning. He was as skinny as a cheese cracker as well! He used to be quite buff in my day.

“What?” he replied, smiling broadly at us all. His gaze lingered on me for a few seconds too long and I glared at him. It had been his fault too!

There was a little mini, sub conscious staring competition going on. And to be quite frank, I wasn't going to give up. Neither was he, so it seemed.

Fortunately, just when my eyes were going to bail out on me, Ron stood from his seat and shouted out to his dear mother.

“MUM! They're here, can we eat now?” Even from here, I could hear his stomach rumbling like a bloody donkey. I mean, like a sick cat? I don't know what it sounded like. It didn't really sound like anything I've ever heard of. Let's just call it, 'Ron's horrendous stomach growling noise' for now.

“Tonks!” Hermione and Ginny squealed as the pink haired girl sat down besides them. She smiled brightly, her hair turning slightly pinker. A METAMORPHMAGUS! I gasped loudly.

“Wotcher!” she exclaimed to me, smiling. I smiled unsurely back at her and my smile fell almost a million miles as Sirius dragged Remus back to his seat.

“Moony, Moony, look!” Sirius hissed, forcefully pushing Lupin into the seat next to his.

I groaned into my hands and cursed. Fudge you, Black. Never in my life have I ever met someone as annoying as you! You cursed little prick.

“Sirius, Sirius, we're not in school anymore. It's Remus. And what?” Remus smiled pleasantly at me before turning back to Sirius.

I poked my tongue out at Sirius, a smug smile on my face. Sirius frowned and pushed Remus' head back towards me. “Look!”

Hardly anyone was paying attention to us because the food had arrived.

“Sirius, look at what?” Remus was patient. Very, very, so very patient. Really, I don't envy him. Remus' brows furrowed at me and I jutted my lips out at him. His brows furrowed even more and Sirius smirked.

I blinked back at him calmly, not touching anything in front of me, just in case some sort of chaos ensues. I narrowed my eyes slightly and he gasped loudly.

“No!” He brought his hand to cover his mouth as his eyes widened. I frowned at him, death staring him as he turned back to Sirius quickly. “Her?” Thanks. I have a name. A name not so difficult remembering, right? Right?

Sirius smirked even more widely and nodded, puckering his lips at me. Remus turned to me again, shocked. More than shocked. Horrified. Okay, so no one liked me. That was an exaggeration, loads of people liked me... I think.

“How do you do Remus?” I asked with sarcastic politeness, smiling at him mockingly, devilishly.

His mouth was hanging open as he gawked at me. “F-Fine,” he answered with hesitation. I continued smiling at him evilly, waiting to unnerve his last, damned, made-to-endure-torture nerve.

He shook his head lightly as he continued staring. Sirius continued to chuckle as he picked up his spoon.

“What a fine reunion,” Sirius said idly, taking a bowl of broth from the middle. “There wasn’t any need to need to plan or anything.”

Selene?” Remus gasped. Finally, thank you for remembering my name. Could I ask for anything more?

I continued glaring at him until finally, I smiled and kicked the two at the same time.

Sirius yelped and began to choke while Remus yelled out of shock. I smiled innocently at them as people from the opposite ends of the table turned to look. Welcome, to the Marauder Freak Show, folks.

“The broth's quite hot, isn't it?” I smiled mockingly at the two. Sigh. They remembered that's what I did to them once in fifth year. Yes, they unfortunately, regrettably chose to sit down opposite me. Yes... they didn't know I'd enchanted their hot little broth so that it was at the same temperature as the sun.

Sirius flashed Remus a warning look and shook his head once. Remus merely wiped his trickling tears and looked like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. He better believe it or else I'll smack his head with a pan. Like I did once when the ‘oh so fine’ and royal Marauders intruded on myself pigging out in the kitchen. They could've at least knocked or even played a bloody trumpet to announce their arrival or something!

“How have you been, Selene?” Sirius seemed to ask on behalf of Remus, who was still staring at me, his mouth agape and eyes red from the pain. Oho, I can just throw a pea into his mouth... And that's exactly what I did. But not just a pea, a spoonful of peas. He blinked as I flicked a spoon of peas at his face.

Selene!  There are loads of children out there who are not so fortunate as us!” Sirius exclaimed with mock outrage. Hrmp. Like he cares.

“I've been fine, thank you, Remus.” I replied politely to Sirius' question. My abominable plan to ignore Sirius starts... Now. “Now that I'm up and swell again, that is.”

Remus shook his head lightly once again. “How long have you been up for?” Does no one care about me so much that no one actually bothered to tell these people I'm conscious again? That just lowered my self-esteem...


“Tell her it’s not my fault, Moony!” Sirius cut in loudly, glaring at me before turning appealingly towards his friend.

“She thinks it was your fault?” Remus gasped incredulously. Incredulously? Now, my mouth dropped. What the flickering heck? OF COURSE IT WAS HIS FAULT! Who's fault could it have been? The tree’s? Well... That would be half true... But no! I beg to differ!

“Yeah! She tried killing me with a knife!” Sirius replied, trying to keep his face straight. I looked around at the people besides me first before turning back to look at them. Thankfully, no one heard a single decibel of our little, reunion talk.

“How could she? We were trying to save her life!” Save my life? HA! Wait… Why are they referring to me as second person?

“Look, who's the one who called me there in the first place? In the middle of the night?” I hissed through gritted teeth.

None of us had even touched our plates yet and we were already starting to fight.

“We didn't tell you to get into a brawl with the bloody willow!” Sirius retorted, turning from Remus to me sharply. “So, in fact, it’s your fault!”

“Whatever, Sirius. I'm sick of having a little debate over whose fault it was to have almost killed me.”

“But we just got started!” he protested and I grimaced. He wants us to argue and argue... and argue until I get to the point where I burst like fireworks. I would be like a firework display for him... yes, I shall be just that. Wait, what?

“Look, just stop,” Remus muttered, finally becoming the boy I didn't hate as much as the person beside him. “This whole 'I'm better than you' thing is from twenty years ago. Just let it go.”

I scoffed. Whatever Remus. You can't boss me around; I'm better than you!

Remus continued on something about 'moving on from our differences' or something a rather. But I wasn't paying attention because George had just put his hand around my shoulder, taking my breath away and clouding my ears with soft cotton balls.

“Selene's new to Hogwarts,” George said to the girl with pink hair as he patted me softly.

I smiled at her innocently as her hair flickered from pink to purple. My smile was still there, yet, my eyes displayed nothing but shock from that sudden change. That was amazing.

The girl failed to miss the look in my eyes 'cause her own sparkled blue. It had been brown just seconds ago!

“I'm Tonks,” she smiled jubilantly. “Do you like Hogwarts then?” she asked, her voice all bubbly and cheery. So unlike my own.

“Oh yeah, it's brilliant. We have Snape teaching potions, that's just so bloody unreal,” I mumbled somewhat shyly.

“Snape? Wasn’t he supposed to come around tonight?” Tonks looked around the table for an answer while Sirius on the other side of the table stiffened.

I smiled widely. Wouldn't that be lovely? A little mini reunion with half the marauders and their arch little enemy, featuring me. Yes, that would be lovely.

“He couldn't make it,” Mr. Weasley answered from the other end of the elongated table. “But he’s coming down for Christmas.”

Oh dear Heavens.

I smiled widely as majority of the boys around the table groaned in unison. That would just be total joy in my mind; listening to Sirius and Snape bicker like little schoolgirls. Oh yes, I can't wait.

I snuggled back into the chair as George left his arm around my shoulder. My eyes narrowed as I saw Sirius eye us with discontent. He sniffed like a snob and turned back to Remus.

I giggled loudly to attract his attention once again and looked down to my empty plate, nuzzling into George's arm. I looked up once more and smiled broadly as Sirius stared at me with a look worthy of something horrible. Yeah, it was ugly. I stifled a small snigger and started on my steak and kidney pie only to be gagged when a roll hit me on the forehead.

I looked up to an image of Remus shoving Sirius' arm as though in protest, while biting his lip to stop himself from laughing. Sirius – who looked smug, as always, with his wide, oh-so-hot smile - was merely holding onto Remus' wrists. Oh, such love.

I glared at them, taking a spoon of mashed potato and raising it to my jaw. 

Their eyes widened almost immediately and were unsuccessful in dropping to the floor in time. Can I just say, it was aimed directly at Sirius' eye, and it would have smeared all over his face if only Remus didn’t have such a fast reaction time with a super brain like a freak and waved his wand so that it disappeared.

I'm fighting a losing battle here!  A thought that seemed to dampen my mood throughout the rest of the night.


I laid in bed peacefully as Hermione snored lightly in the other bed. She was completely stuffed and I, well, I was not. Hardly being able to lower my head without finding bits and pieces flying towards me, it would be quite difficult to eat.

There was a creak outside the door and being as reactive as I was, I crept towards the door. Smiling a little bit too knowingly – how can I not think it was Sirius? - I placed my hand on the door handle.

It turned slightly from the other side and that's when I made my brilliant, spectacular, oh-my-gosh-I'm-being-sarcastic brilliant move. I pushed it open and I smiled broadly when I heard it make contact with someone's nose.

My face fell a thousand miles when I saw who was writhing on the floor, groaning in agony.



A/N: Hello everyone! One more chapter to update (chapter 8) and then I'll be posting a new chapter! Yes, I know! It's been about four years delayed. But thank you for sticking with it! :D I'll try not to disappoint you!

Please tell me how I'm doing so far :) thank you!

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