Chapter 7 : They Call It Double
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I make mistakes. Everyone does. But I make a lot of mistakes. When someone makes one mistake, I make two, or if one makes a normal mistake, mine is a disastrous catastrophe. I always do things worse than others.
Snogging with James was definitely a mistake. One of the really big ones in fact. And the worse part of it was that I didn’t feel I could talk to Megan about it. I don’t know why, but sometimes friends just don’t have to know every little thing about it. I do know that good friends do not have any secrets. But the best friends are capable to forgive each other for keeping them. Megan would forgive me if I ever told her, even if it was in twenty years.
What made this mistake worse than the others was that I had no idea what to do about it, so I avoided James for precisely twenty-nine hours and twenty minutes from the game Saturday till Sunday evening. I knew as soon as he, Sirius, Remus, and Peter sat down next to us at the table at dinner, that this would not go well. He didn’t even take notice of me as the others, but not ten minutes had passed before he started to come with these small remarks. The others hardly noticed them, but every single one of them cut through the wall I was trying to make between him and me.
When he at last laughed scornfully at something I’d said, I snapped. He snapped back. I don’t know what he was playing at, but I was sure he was trying to make me mad. It worked perfectly. But what surprised me the most was that he was the one ending with a storm off. Everyone looked at me as if I was the bad guy.
Ten minutes later we were done eating and the three remaining Marauders got up for a walk outside. Megan was quick to join them and that’s when I took a snap decision. I decided to stay and go up and talk things out with James, though I didn’t say so.
“All righty,” Sirius said, “But are you sure? I was planning Hogsmeade.”
I shook my head. “Just go.” I couldn’t care less about the Marauders and their rule breaking.
Megan frowned. “Shouldn’t we ask James?”
I listened as Sirius answered. “No,” he said with a shrug. “He’ll know where to find us.” He sent me a last glance. “Have fun, Evans.”
I nodded as Megan plus the three Marauders hurried off. I sat for a couple of seconds, waiting. Then I got up and hurried out of the Great Hall.
I didn’t slow down before I gave the Fat Lady the password. But suddenly, as I reached the bottom of the staircase I stopped.
Did I really want to face this? Was I a coward? It was a ringing no to both of them, but I’m a girl who likes things to be in order, and awkward glances and unfortunate episodes in the changing rooms aren’t things that belong to me. I had to get this stupid thing out in the open and it had to be now.
I marched up the stairs and knocked on the last door in the corridor which was the boys from my year’s dorm. A few seconds passed before something like a trunk snapped close and the door was opened.
James didn’t look the least surprised to see me. He was casual with his tie thrown over his shoulder and his shirt opened a few buttons; probably he’d been on the way to go to bed early. He leaned with one arm against the doorframe, studying me. His gaze didn’t make me comfortable. It wasn’t like a look should be. When persons accidentally snog their next gazes should be awkward and not like this. Waiting for something and trying to read me (which I’m sure he did).
“So what did you want?” he asked after several long seconds.
“We need to talk,” I said shortly.
He nodded. “Yeah, I agree.” He turned and walked into the room. “You can’t just snap at me like that. It has to stop.”
I was closing the door, but stopped in the middle of the movement. “What?”
He slumped down on his bed and leaned back and supported on his weight on his arms. “Yes.” He was looking at me. “It’s not fair and I think you need to accept the way I am. I do that with you. I would appreciate it if you gave me an apology.”
I slammed the door and clenched my teeth. “That wasn’t because of that I came here,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Oh?” he asked, his eyebrows rising. “Then what was it?”
Was he playing dumb? Was he actually that stupid? How could he not know what I was here for?
“Do you remember yesterday?” I asked, trying to keep my tone light, but it was hard.
“Yeah,” he muttered. “Great game. Actually a pretty good goal you scored, Evans.”
I nearly dropped my jaw. Okay, now he was toying with me, trying to make me mad. I narrowed my eyes.
“What happened before the game,” I growled.
He looked at me with raised eyebrows. He wouldn’t say anything. He was so trying to make me mad and so trying to make me say it. I balled my fists.
“You kissed me,” I said, narrowing my eyes.
“Yes,” he said, not really looking at me. “And?”
He smirked, scratching his cheek. “So I kissed you?”
“Yes, you did.”
“Last time I heard… you had to be two persons to keep a kiss going.”
My fists were white, but I said nothing. He was still looking at me with raised eyebrows again. He was provoking me. After a few seconds he got up from the bed, strolling carefully around the room, as if we were simply having a light discussion of the weather of tomorrow.
“Or am I wrong?”
With much effort that took all of my willpower I slowly loosened up my hands. He was moving around me. I slowly followed his movement until he stopped between me and the door. Not very comforting. Our eyes locked and he slowly started moving again. This time I did not follow him, it was a sign of power if I could play this cool. But it didn’t make me comfortable when he stopped right behind me.
“I believe you are,” I said, restraining my anger.
“Is that so?”
“Yes,” I said impatiently.
“So I’m wrong in assuming that even if I did kiss you first… you kissed me back?” His voice had come nearer.
I was silent. I did kiss him back.
“So please enlighten me… Why did you exactly come here?” he spoke right at my ear.
His voice made a very unwanted shiver rush down my spine. It made me angry. I suddenly spun around and placed two hands in his chest, making him stumble backwards.
“Get away from me!” I snarled.
I spun around and was one my way out when one of his hands grabbed around my wrist. He pulled me violently backwards and I slammed hardly into his chest. His other hand was suddenly at my waist while the first hand still had a firm grip around my hand. I looked up from his chest into his eyes and found them strangely mixed between lots of emotions I could not read.
Then I noticed he was smirking and I realised that I was actually mad at him. I tried to get free but he was holding me.
“Just answer me,” he said. “Was it because of the kiss you came back?” He kissed me shortly and roughly. “Because then I’d understand you.”
“You’re not that great of a kisser,” I said harshly.
“Is that so?” he smirked.
His lips were at mine again, roughly and fiercely, just like the day before. He was even smiling into the kiss. I wanted to push him away, I really did, but before I could, I found myself kissing him back and even having my hands firmly placed on his neck. He let his other hand slide down to my waist where he kept a firm hold. He suddenly broke away. I could hear my own rasped breath. It seemed to amuse him.
“You said?” he asked.
I was about to say something, but he kissed me again, almost crushing me against his body. Slowly, not even letting his lips move away from mine he turned and very slowly forced me backwards. I suddenly gathered all of my willpower and pushed him a bit away, but he didn’t remove his arms from my waist.
“I hate you,” I said, out of breath.
“Yeah, you too,” he said.
We looked at each other our eyes locking, and as if knowing exactly what the other thought we kissed again. His mouth was rough, and so were his hands. He was gripping me hard and slowly lifted me up. I placed my legs firmly around his hips and slowly as if testing me he found the bed and slowly placed me on it.
I broke away suddenly, but not to push him away, to catch breath. His mouth slowly travelled down my jaw and then neck. I took a few deep breaths. His mouth was back again, but his hands were no longer at my waist. I could suddenly feel one of his hands undoing the buttons of my shirt. And before I knew of it, my hands were undoing his shirt too. His skin was warm beneath my fingers, burning maybe. He slowly shrugged off the shirt with my help and then moved on to get mine off too.
As my shirt was removed completely, he suddenly grabbed my waist, and in a smooth movement had rolled over so I was on top. Slowly his hands slid down to my bottom and even slower they slipped under my skirt. I gasped, making him grin into the kiss.
I put my hands around his neck, pulling him up in a sitting position. I wasn’t really thinking, I was reacting.
I could feel his hands all over me, and my breath got louder. I closed my eyes completely and gave in. My fingers were trailing his warm skin, feeling every muscle and line of his body. One of his hands was sliding up my back and suddenly with a soft click, he’d loosened my bra. With the same hand he pushed it off, letting his warm hand cup me. I felt naked, yet comfortable.
He suddenly let go of me again, taking hold of my waist. He pushed me down again, placing himself on top. My hands moved from his chest down and slowly took hold of the hem of his pants. He broke away and our eyes met. In that very short second I could see only two things in his eyes: victory and lust. Both equally outspoken. I pushed them off.
Softly, yet greedily, he kissed my neck, jaw, and then mouth again. He pressed his hips hardly into my abdomen, making me moan loud and I realised I was still wearing my thong. Not for long. Before I had really noticed, he’d removed those as well.
I tensed slightly, but as he suddenly kissed me just softly, I knew there was nothing to be nervous about.
I was listening to his breathing. Slow and even. It had been the last ten minutes, but I wanted to be sure. I wanted to know he was sleeping. His arm was comfortably placed around my waist. Relaxed, yet firmly. The sheets were wrapped around the both of us. The sky outside was turning darker by every second and stars were slowly appearing.
I took a soft hold around his wrist and lifted his arm away from my waist. His breathing stopped for a second, but started again almost at once. I breathed out of relief. Slowly I turned and placed my feet on the floor. His arm slid off me as I got up. I turned and studied him.
His hair was messy as always, but besides that he wore a peaceful expression I had never seen him wearing. I liked it. He turned in his sleep and the duvet slipped off his back. A smile crept to my lips and I turned to find my clothes. It was easy. All pushed onto the floor in a mass with James’. I hurried to get dressed and then exited.
I collapsed against the wall when I was inside the girls’ dorm. The realisation of what I had done hit me then for the first time. I buried my face in my hands and groaned.
I had had sex with James. I had had sex with my worst enemy… who I hated. What was wrong with me? Who does that kind of thing? The answer is simple. Lily Evans does. And why? Because when I make a mistake, it’s just not a mistake, it’s a disastrous catastrophe.
And it was the second time in two days. First the kiss, then the sex. What kind of a person was I? Making the same mistake twice. Double mistake. Double as bad.
But… It had felt so good. So right. Exposed from everything, yet not feeling vulnerable. It had felt safe, yet I knew it wasn’t true. Nothing involving James and I, was safe. Normally I was a very emotional girl, but if I really was such one, would I ever shag with someone I hated? Was that normal? And the two words ‘emotional’ and ‘safe’ should never be used in the same sentence. When feelings were involved, it wasn’t safe. And this…
My mind suddenly went empty. I had made an impasse, I didn’t know what to think or do. My mind had suddenly stopped working and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t even continue my thoughts. I tried over and over again, but it seemed I had lost track of where I was heading. Lost.
I liked having order in my mind, but order was the last thing there was. I tried unsuccessfully to get all of my thoughts in boxes and tried to get my mind moving again, but it was impossible.
After several long minutes of looking into the empty dorm (also noticing the three other girls beside Megan were missing), I came to the conclusion that I hadn’t been thinking back at the boys’ dorm. I had been acting on instinct like the day before. What was the big fuss about really? People did that all the time, doing it with people they didn’t like.
Yes, but not with people they hate.
Great. Now my mind had started talking to me. I hit my head hardly against the wall. It was starting to hurt because I had done it so frequently the last few days.
I blamed the football tournament. If that hadn’t been started this would never have happened. I wouldn’t have been named captain, James wouldn’t have hated me so much more, we wouldn’t have fought as much, we wouldn’t have kissed, we wouldn’t have shagged. Simple as that. I had made a mess out of my life in no time. All because of a damn football tournament.
I slowly closed my eyes and slid further down onto the floor.
That’s how Megan found me an hour later. Curled up on the floor, buried in self-pity. But she didn’t know.
“Hey, Lily,” she said. “You’ve lain here the whole time?”
I nodded. “Yep.” Strange how lying again came easily to me.
“Is anything wrong?”
Damn. She knew me too well. I thought about it, but somehow, like the day before, I felt like I couldn’t tell Megan. How did you tell your best friend you’d just had sex with your worst enemy, exactly? There was no way telling her. Either she’d die of laughter, or she’d die of shock. I wouldn’t be responsible for her death that was for sure. It was simply impossible.
“No,” I said, feeling horrible.
She slowly stroked my hair. “Sure?”
I nodded. “Yes, yes. Don’t worry about me.”
“Did you see James?”
Shit. Did she know? She had to know. If not, then why would she ask?
“Why?” I asked after several seconds.
She sighed. “Because he never came to Hogsmeade. Sirius was so sure.”
“Been in the library shortly.” I looked upwards. “There was no sign of him there.”
Apparently she caught the fact that I wasn’t in the mood to speak. She slowly got up and slumped down onto her bed. With a sigh she looked at me.
“You sure you didn’t run into him?”
What did she know?
“Lily you’re such a bad lair! You had a fight with him, didn’t you?” I looked away. “I know you, how stupid do you think I am?”
I looked back at her. “Yes,” I said with a sigh. “I did. Happy?”
She smiled softly. “Will the two of you ever change?”
I couldn’t help returning her smile. “No, I don’t think so.”
She grinned. “It wouldn’t be the same without the two of you fighting.”
Maybe I was double as stupid as everyone else, maybe I did make mistakes double as bad as everyone else’s, but I had Megan to help me forget it. And really, what did it matter if I fell in twice? Mistakes Happen. Now I just had to solve it.
But how exactly?
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