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How The Sofa Ate The Sod-Head and Other Various Marauder Mishaps by sirius_jamie
Chapter 2 : Why No Marauder Shall Ever Violate Moony's Stash Ever Again
 
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"Why No Marauder Shall Ever Violate Moony's Stash Ever Again", as told by Mister James Potter 



______________ 




Remus was upset. 

…Very, very upset. 

So upset, in fact, I swear to Merlin he was on the verge of tears. 

Angry tears, mind you. 

“I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You.” 

He said it softly, but Mister Sirius Black – my most beloved friend in the entire world – knows danger when he hears it. 

It’s a skill one can only acquire when one grows up in a home managed by a crazy bat-of-a-woman named Walburga

Yes… his mother is that scary. Indeed. 

Anywho. Where was I? 

Oh – right, yes – I was in the middle of telling a most impressive and moving story… in my super suave and devastatingly sexy storytelling voice. 

Mmm. Right. 

Padfoot versus Moony. 

…It was epic. 



______________ 




Two young boys – one with sandy blonde hair, the other one with shaggy black – seemed to be having a bit of a… tiff

The blonde had the other boy fully backed up against a wall, with a wand pointing straight at his face. 

And, oh, what a pretty face it was! Or, rather, would have been, had it not been completely filled with dread, laced with sweat, and scrunched up from tension. 

Yes, that black-haired boy was having a very rotten time, indeed. 

The blonde was threatening him… and he knew – oh, he knew – that this boy rarely said things that he did not mean. 

“I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You.” 

It was spoken softly, but it was ever so dangerous. 

It sounded to the black-haired boy as though it could have been his mother speaking to him. 

…And it did not make him very confident. 

“I, uh, I, didn’t, uh, know, um, that it was yours, Moony, I swear, uh…” 

His stammering became so intense, that the poor boy couldn’t spit out the rest of his excuse. 

“That. Was. My. Last. Piece. Of. Chocolate.” Remus informed him. 

The boy hadn’t, in fact, known that. 

He just wanted a nice bit of chocolately-goodness. 

Dorcas Meadowes, after all, had just called him a “stupid-sodding-num-knut” in front of the entire Gryffindor Common Room! 

All because he kissed her! 

So what if she was caught off-guard? Or that she was with her boyfriend at the time?  …On a date?



______________ 




“Sirius, mate, stop moping-about, you’re giving me bad karma, and Lily will end up punching me or something…” 

James, a messy-haired, bespeckled boy, was trying to comfort his pouty friend. 

Sirius was sitting at a small round table in his dormitory, having just retreated from the Common Room after The Scene

He had been smashing very angry and very upset Wizarding Chess figurines – who, for the record, are a very crude breed of magical sculpture when provoked. 

Jeez, cut it out!” James shouted suddenly, quite peeved at his friend, who had just single-handedly ruined both his karma and his best chess set in less than two minutes.

After beheading a truant-ish knight, who had just attempted to scurry up his leg and “de-man him”, Sirius stood up and looked at his friend with a stony face. 

Letting out a puff of air, he then turned away and climbed over the chess-figurine-debris into the bed, completely covering himself in a mountain of blankets.

“Oi! Don’t get all depressed, Pads!  She’s just a girl, who cares?”

Just a girl?” came Sirius’ voice, muffled from underneath the comforters.

Uncovering his face slightly, so that only his mouth and chin were visible, he scoffed, “Yeah, nicely put, from a kid who is so obsessed with one, that he goes so far as to ask her to sign a contract, guaranteeing at least one kiss, before he agrees to give her back her freaking potions essay, which he so un-chivalrously stole from her!”

Smiling dolefully, James walked over to the bump-in-the-bed and swatted it a few times.

“Sweet mother of Merlin, Pads!  At least I’m not the one crying over a lame insult like, what was it again?  Soggy nut, or something…?”

“Stupid-sodding-num-knut, actually…” came Sirius’ dejected reply.

After a decidedly angry silence, James suggested airily, “Sirius, Padfoot, mate, buddy, pal… I think you need a bit of morselly-goodness – it’ll get you happy.”

 “Mmph…?” went the blankets.

 After deciding that was an inquisitive grunt, James elaborated.

“Yeah. More specifically, you need some chocolately-morselly-goodness… Why not hit up Moony’s stash...?”

Remus, best friend and roommate to both the boys, was quite the chocolate lover.  He was so devoted, in fact, that he actually had an extensive stash "hidden" inside one of the drawers of a large cabinet located next to his bed.

As an unspoken agreement, the other boys never mentioned it, for Remus had the tendency to be very... irate when that cabinet was touched.

He actually went so far as to threaten little Peter Pettigrew, the fourth boy living in the dorm, with death, lest he ever set finger on it again, after he was caught looking for a quill in one of the drawers.

...Mister Lupin was a very viligant entity, whence it came to protecting his chocolate.

And so, it was not the brightest idea in the world for Sirius to do as he did, and  actually listen to Mister James Potter.

Wiggling from underneath his enclave, he appeared, bright-eyed, pretty-faced, and grinning from ear to ear, nodding excitedly to his pal. 

“Good idea, mate! Oh, oh, ohhh, chocolaaaaate!” he yelped, climbing from the bed, and rummaging through a cabinet standing across the room. 

“I’s wants some!” he groaned, pulling open the drawers in such a hurry that he left most of them hanging from their tracks. 

“Oi, Pads, turn it down a notch, you know how touchy he is about his stash…” James warned, shifting about uncomfortably, feeling as though someone, somewhere, knew they were being naughty. 

He suddenly began to feel a bit... apprehensive.  Perhaps, he thought, he shouldn't have suggested such a dangerous crime.

...Moony might find out, afterall...  And James severely doubted that he would be very happy about it.

But a loud bark of mirth from Sirius snapped James out of his reverie, and his regretful thoughts were lost, as he watched his friend dance happily around the room, loot in hand.

Success!” 

Sirius held, in his firm-long-fingered-grip, none other than a piece of one of the most exquisite pieces of chocolate known to Wizarding kind. 

It was a piece of Sully Samuels’ Sugary Sweet Happy Bar. 

And oh my, was he happy

To the weird and slightly frightened amusement of his friend, Sirius commenced in eating/caressing the chocolate bar, all the while with a silly, sloppy smile on his face. 

“You, my friend, are a strange, strange individual…” said James, removing his glasses, and putting a sincere hand over his heart. 

Sirius just gave him a muffled, “Mmmmmmmmmmpffmph,” before returning to his chocolate. 

Getting bored, and still feeling a bit tense and… watched... James announced he was going back to the Common Room. 

“I dunno, Mate… I think your odd sensual desire for that bit of chocolate is giving me weird vibes…I’m going to go bug Evans…” 

With that, James left, leaving a blissful Sirius alone, standing by the off-limits, torn-apart cabinet.

…And that is when it happened. 

Remus entered the room. 

Quietly.

Stealthily


He knew…  Oh, he knew that someone was violating his stash. 

And, he was mad

So, so mad. 



______________ 




JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMESSSSSSSSSS-----------------“ 

James was rubbing the now sore and slightly reddened spot on his nose, when he heard it – the yell coming down from the Boys’ Dorms. 

Leaving the furious Lily Evans behind him, he raced back up to the dorm, only to find a complacent-looking Remus Lupin puttering around over by the cabinet. 

“Whaaaa – What happened?? Where’s Sirius…?” James spluttered, panting and turning around and around in circles, looking for his dark-haired friend. 

Remus simply pointed to a drawer in the cabinet that he had just closed. 

James stepped forward, walking pointedly around a stoic-looking Lupin, who was now sitting on his bed. 

Pulling the drawer open slowly, James peered down inside. 

With a sharp intake of breath, he whispered, “–Oh Moony, you are so sick.” 

And then, James broke down in a furious fit of giggles, as Sirius the Kitty crept out from the drawer in the cabinet, with the most pouty little face any kitten could have managed. 



______________ 















 


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