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Vanilla Spice by EffyFoSho
Chapter 8 : Nether Regions
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 10

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 A/N: Woo, another chapter =]
And, by the way, I've got an idea for another story but, even if I do post it, I'm gonna get the chapters of this I've already written out first. 
And, also, I know I've totally given up on the chapter images but mine were so bad ;]
Hopefully someone will do some for me at tda
Effy xx

History of Magic rolls round once again and I nearly cry with boredom listening to Professor Binns droning speech. Katie occupies the seat next to me, actually listening, holding her quill ready to take down notes.  

My big thrill so far had been Binns walking through the blackboard.


At least I haven’t falling asleep like Dom on the desk in front, who’s snoring softly, her head rested face down upon her folded arms with her red hair shielding her face. Sitting next to her is Hally, who’s eyes have glazed over and has a bit of drool seeping out the corner of her mouth.

I should probably tell her.

But that would require effort, so I stay silent, gazing around the room in a search for something to occupy me for a couple of minutes. Shelves of books are really no help, you know, when one is hopelessly bored. Something hits the top of my head softly before dropping to the floor, and I turn drowsily to the object; a scrunched up piece of paper. I use my wand to levitate it to my desk and read it.

‘What girl would you date and why?’ – Hally.

I worry about that girl. I really do. Dom’s neat scrawl suddenly appears she writes it.

‘Oh, Rayhan, of course. ‘Cause she’s all bad-ass.’ – Dom.

Wait, what? She’s not asleep? And actually answering the question?

‘Instead of taking notes you’re conjuring up fantasies of your I-wish girlfriends? You should be ashamed of yourself. – Katie.

‘You go, girl.’ – Mollie.

‘I can’t believe you just wrote that! No way can you pull it off.’ – Dom.

Why not?!’ – Mollie.
'Because you act so white and you are not gangster.’ – Hally.

And you’re blonde.’ – Dom.

I scrunch up the paper angrily, before chucking it deftly over my shoulder.

“Well, that was stupid,” Katie mutters, her eyes still fixed on Binns moving mouth.

“Why?” I whisper back, frowning in confusion.

“You just chucked it at James.”

Well, bullocks.

I look back, at the desk behind me and find both Geoff and James sprawled on their desks asleep, their faces pressed into the wood. I get up quietly, before crouching down to the floor so Binns won’t see me, and crawl on my hands and knees to their desk, the cold, hard floor rubbing painfully against my knees.

I swear I have table dents.

I slide up the desk once I reach it, my eyes just peeping over the top as I look at James close face. He looks so innocent sleeping, it’s adorable. My hand creeps along the desk and closes around the ball of paper that sits in front of James’ forehead. He stirs, his eyes blinking open.

“ACK!” James yelps when he sees my face looming so close to him. It was quite a feminine yelp actually. I mean, I couldn’t even say that that was manly. I drop to the floor quickly as Binns cuts off his speech about god knows what and glowers at James.

“Mr Potter, do you have a problem with the goblin rebellion of 1569?” Binns asks, as I crawl slowly back to my seat, holding my breath in case he spots me.

“Uh, no, sir. I just saw a scary bug,” James responds.

Scary bug?

I’ll give him scary bug.

I turn and crawl back to James’ desk, making sure that Binns is still droning on as I crawl, and crouch in front of the table. My hand reaches up and smacks James’ head who squeals in surprise before clapping his hands over his mouth.

“Potter. Is there another scary bug?” Drone.


Dom suddenly sits up, her face a look of total disbelief. “Holy jamalama, Binns made a funny!” She exclaims and the class look at each other and burst into applause.

I’m still crawling on the floor as Binns looks enraged, and I sit noiselessly back down on my seat. Even If it was loud, it probably wouldn’t have been heard; the class was still in uproar. I look around innocently, pretending I have no idea what’s going on.

“Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!” Binns says in a monotone that’s hardly going to silence this ruckus. Katie’s looking scandalised at the noise and I laugh at her before joining in with some screaming. The bell dings across the school and everyone flies from their seat to get out this stuffy classroom.



Okay, I don’t mean to sound totally unappreciative and catty but my so-called best friend from Beauxbaton’s hasn’t owled me once. I’m serious, not even one measly little letter saying simple something such as ‘Sup, old buddy?’ I admit, I didn’t exactly send a letter either but I’m the one who is apparently ‘emotionally scarred’ for being moved to a new country according to Cam. And then, smack bang, an owl popped up out of nowhere and dropped a letter onto my lap while I was eating my cornflakes. Which, in turn, made me screech in surprise and knock my bowl onto James’ crotch-al area.

I mean, talk about embarrassing.

He looked surprised for a second, staring bewildered at the cereal on his lap, before reaching out for a pancake and chucking it at me. So then I did what any normal person would. I ducked. The pancake ended up hitting Dom in the face; pancake crumbs settling them self in her hair. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt about Dom, it’s that you cannot, under any circumstances, mess with her hair/make-up/nails.

All chaos ensued then.

Dom began chucking random foods at James, screeching things like ‘twat’ and ‘my hair’ while everyone else, taking this opportunity, also began throwing food at each other. And if you weren’t in the food fight you were either cowering under the table or not in the room, which is I guess what happened with most of the teachers.

“Hahahaha,” Dom giggles, rather manically, as she throws waffles at peoples head. “Take that, suckers.”

“Bullocks!” I shriek, getting another piece of toast slapping me in the face and James shoving another handful of cornflakes down my shirt. “Bullocks, bullocks, bullocks!”

“Let’s have some originality, Mollie,” James yells even though I’m right in front of him, acting as his shield. “Please.”

“Screw you, you buggering twatty prick!” And with that, I grab a pretty big handful of sticky, gooey raspberry jam and shove it in his face. Which, I think, is totally understandable seeing as I’m positive a couple of cornflakes are in my bra. Then what does that stupid pillock do? Grab the (very large, very full) jug of pumpkin juice and tip it all over me. I gasp as the cold juice drenches me and me and James stand in silence for a moment before I can register fully what happened. And when I did, I was pissed.

"James freaking Potter!” I screech, dripping from head-to-toe not to mention getting considerably stickier as the juice dries. “I’m going to kill you!”

“Eek!” James yelps and then, grabbing a large handful of cornflakes, he turns tail and runs. And so, I chase after him and, when he reaches the hall doors, I pounce. And I’m actually talking about pouncing. Like a cat. I mean, I actually jumped on his back, sending both of us crashing to the floor, me on top of him, causing quite the commotion. I swear, we even stopped the food fight.

But then again, that makes perfect sense seeing as I am straddling the son of the wizarding world’s saviour. Great. Bloody great.

“So, Mollie,” James says nervously as he looks up at me. “You’re looking particularly fetching this morning. Have you been working out?”


“Did you just growl?” James sniggers which anybody apart from James Potter would have known not to do when being pinned to the floor by an over-hormonal, dripping wet fifteen-year old girl.

“Stupid, James,” Hally tuts, from the end of the Ravenclaw table. I don’t even look up from glaring at James to see if Hally is as covered in food as I am. “Real stupid.”

“Er, I mean, that shirt looks great on you,” he grins rather cockily for someone who is skating on thin ice. I look down, confused, at my soaked robe that I wore with just my school shirt underneath, because I was too hot in both jumper and robe, before focusing on my now see-through white shirt.

Well, that irked me a tad bit.

So I sat up a little straighter and then, just as a flabbergasted Professor Alice entered the messy hall, I kneed James in the, er, nether regions.

Okay, I was a little more than irked.

“Mollie Pert!” Alice bellows and I scramble up as James moans in pain which, I got to say, was a bit of an over-reaction seeing as I didn’t do it that hard. “What is going on here?!”

“Well, um, you see, sir,” I stammer, trying to explain the going ons in the last half hour. “The owl scared me and I got James a little wet and then-”

“Owww,” James is still on the floor, whingeing away.

“-pancakes in Dom’s hair and she likes her hair so she threw a couple of waffles about and then, god knows how, but everybody was like ‘ahhh!’ and, er, I got a cornflake in my bra-”

Oh, God. I didn’t. I said bra to the headmaster. Kill me now.

“-Oh, no, no! I mean, it didn’t go in there but James got jam on himself and then he, well, he-”

“I’m dying! I’m dying!”

“He poured juice over me so I tackled him and then he said... he said my top was see-through! So I kneed him in the goolies.”


Alice blinks and then straightens up. “Detention, Miss Pert, along with James and Domini- Mr Rands, put that pancake down! Detention! You four!”

Well, bullocks.



Okay, I wasn’t speaking to James, Dom wasn’t speaking to James and James wasn’t speaking to me and Geoff was, as usual, oblivious to it all and kept bringing up the food fight incident all through our detention of scrubbing the whole hall clean.

And I still hadn’t read my damn letter which is what caused all this ruckus in the first place.

So I had brought it along to the detention and, sitting undisturbed in a corner, opened the letter whilst pretending I was actually scrubbing. Not an easy thing, let me tell you. I fell over three times.

To Mollie-Wollie,

School is the same really. I hang around with Jocelyn and Vivienne and, the other day, they bought me ‘The Life and Works of the Most Famous Wizards of All Time’ and it is a rather fascinating book.

Lots of love,


That’s it. Seriously, that’s it. Typical Cam and her books. And, you know, scrubbing and writing is seriously hard and it’s pretty much making it impossible for me to write back to her.

“Oi, Mollie!” Geoff calls and I turn to see him in a little circle consisting of him, Dom and James. “Get over here and say sorry!”

So I do. ‘Cause it makes it kind of hard to boast to Cam in my letter about being friends with the son of one of the most famous wizards when I’m actually not talking to him.

“You have to say it first,” I say stiffly once I reach them after what seems like hours of crawling.

“Why do I have to say it first?!” James argues. “You were the one who kneed me in the balls!”

“Because, Potter, you shoved cornflakes down my shirt and poured pumpkin juice over me!”

“You started the food fight!”

“You high-lighted the fact that my top was see-through!”

“You kneed me in the goods!”

“You already said that!”

“I don’t care! It hurt!”

“Merlin!” Dom exclaims and me and James turn to her. “Just apologize!”

“Ladies first,” James says looking pointedly at me.

“Fine!” I huff. “I’m sorry.”

“Me, too,” James grins then reaches out to ruffle my hair.

“Cool! Now let’s get this show on the road,” Geoff announces, clapping his hands. “Or, er, let’s clean so we can leave earlier.”



I made James take a picture with me. Then, as I thought about it more, I added Fred and Dom to it. Geoff being in it was not my choice – he just popped up out of nowhere.

“What was this for again?” James had asked after I had finally found a first year that would take a picture without trembling.

“To show off to people at Beauxbaton’s how great I am,” I replied simply as we all gathered around in a huddle in the Gryffindor common room.

“Oh, right.”

“Smile!” The first year called and we all turn to the camera and I doubt that any one actually pulled a serious pose. I for one was flashing a seriously cheesy grin to the camera, Dom had chosen to do an innocent pout, James was laughing at something, Freddie chose the surprised look, with an open mouth and a raised eyebrow and Geoff had donned his sunglasses and was grinning cockily at the camera.

The photo was even better because, since it was moving, we were all messing about and laughing as Freddie pushed Geoff over, Dom applied make-up every now and again or fluffed up her hair and I frequently rolled my eyes when James or Freddie ruffled my hair. Seriously, what is their obsession with doing that?

But I was pretty happy when I mailed that to Cam using one of the school owls along with a short and sweet letter asking her how she was and explaining the picture.

Well, I was pretty happy until an owl pooped on my head.

That pissed me off.



“Katie, Katie, Katie!” I screech down the deserted corridor, and run after the black haired girl that didn’t pause when I called her name. “Katie!”

Okay, so the girl must have heard me stomping behind her, my pathetic attempt at a run, and she turned round worriedly. And, I did kind of freeze when my face was inches from hers, realising quickly that it actually wasn’t Katie, but some poor, unsuspecting Fourth year, who was as late to classes as me.

“S-sorry,” I stammer, making a fool of myself in front of someone a year younger than me. Woohoo.

“I’m late,” She sniffs and eyes me warily before walking off. Well, what do you think I am? Early? God. 

I must admit, I did get a bit carried away with my little after lunch nap but, in my defence, I totally thought Dom would wake me. And I should’ve known that Katie would never be late to class – she’d rather eat her socks.

“Mollie?” Katie calls behind me, sounding thoroughly confused.

Well, that shut me up.

 “Hahaha, Katie!” Why did I just sound hysterical there?

“Been terrifying first years again?” She laughs, and links her arm through mine as we walk to the Hogwart’s grounds for our Herbology lesson.

“No,” I protest. “She was in fourth year.” Katie laughs again and I regard her curiously.

“What’s the great Katie doing being late for lessons?” I say, raising my eyes meaningfully on ‘late,’ hinting that she’s been with someone, but then knowing that Katie-Goody-Two-Shoes-Ravenclaw would never do something as ‘promiscuous’ as that.

To my complete and utter surprise, she blushes rather darkly. “Um, n-nothing,” She stutters. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. Now I think about it, Katie’s hair does look slightly dishevelled compared to the usual ‘not a hair out of place’ look as before, and, gasp, her top button was undone with her shirt hanging out of her jumper. Well, this is totally the ‘not knowing Katie well’ day, isn’t it?

“Katie!” I giggle, slightly shocked. “Who were you with?!”

Blush. “Nobody! I was, er... catching up on an assignment.”

“Is this assignment boy-shaped?” Waggling eyebrows truly does get your slightly dirty point across.

“No, Mollie!”

“Was it girl-shaped?”

“No!” Katie heaves a sigh. “I’m not telling you who it was!”

“Aha! You definitely hooked up with someone, then!”

“Fine!” Katie snaps, throwing her hands up in despair. “Do you know Mark Finch-Fletchley?”

“Uh.... not really, no.” Why is it that everyone likes guys I don’t know!?

“Curly brown hair, always smiling, Hufflepuff?” I look back at Katie blankly and she sighs again before elaborating further as we near the greenhouse. “You stole his raspberry muffin in DADA.”

“Actually, he gave it to me,” I inform her matter-of-factly, finally being able to remember the short boy that Katie so obviously has ‘relations’ with.

“No, you distracted him with a fancy jinx and stole his muffin.”

“You’re just sorry you didn’t think of it first,” and with that I ran down the hill, skilfully not slipping on the grass and pulled open the greenhouse door, panting.

“Sorry, I’m late, Professor,” I say breathlessly and slide into the room, Katie following me lead, a bit red in the face.

Longbottom looks up from the weird looking plant in front of him and frowns. “You’re thirty-seven minutes late.”

“We’re awfully sorry, Professor, but we’re here now and eager to learn about the ‘Fanged Geranium’s,’” Katie says, the red tinge from running still in her cheeks making her look embarrassed, and she wrings her hands together nervously.

What the bullocksing bullocks?

Longbottom smiles happily at her and continues explaining the plant and Katie turns to me slyly and winks. I swear if I came out with that garbled arse-kissing I’d get one hell of a walloping. Katie, on the other hand, gets a smile.

I glare at Dom, saying with my eyes; ‘Why the flipping heck didn’t you wake me, bitch?’ She looks at me, beams and waves frantically, attracting the attention of people around her, not to mention the teacher.

“Dominique?” He sighs wearily, massaging his temples. “Could you not?”

She lowers her hand slowly, still grinning away like a lunatic that’s just been given happy pills, and Longbottom continues demonstrating what we should be doing soon like people are actually paying attention.

“Now get in pairs and begin planting,” Longbottom instructs and people shuffle about, trying to find a partner and a free bit of earth. I nudge Katie and she replies my silent partner asking question with a roll of her eyes which obviously means yes.

“I totally saved our arses back there,” She whispers smugly and begins making a hole in the dirt. “Cut off the plants dead stems, then.”

“Okay,” I say and hold the knife steadily against a random stem. Me totally guessing what to do is working out pretty well actually.

“You have no idea what you’re doing, do you?”

“As a matter of fact, Katie,” I reply. “I know perfectly well what I’m doing and I am totally doing it right. I mean, nothing bad has happened and, even if it was a random guess, we are going to get full marks on thi- SHIT! It bit my hand!” I look down in horror at the tiny plant that has, what appears to be, a mouth clamped down on my hand.

“Bloody hell! Get it off!” I screech, shaking my hand frantically, as the rest of the class either snigger or ignore me. The plant only digs its teeth in deeper and I scream again until Longbottom pops up by my side, looking totally worried.

Well, he should be, you know. His precious plant flipping attacked me.

“N-now hold still, Mollie,” He stammers and I freeze as he strokes the plant as you would a dog. If I wasn’t petrified of being bitten harder I so would’ve laughed at him. The plant suddenly releases me and drops into Longbottom’s expectant hand and I look at mine carefully. Stupid plant made me bleed. In fact, I have perfect teeth-shaped marks in my hand.

“I’ll take her to the hospital wing,” Katie calls, and hauls me from the room when the teacher nods his consent.

“Ow; buggering bullocks,” I whine, cradling my injured hand.

“Hahaha,” Katie snickers. “You know, we were only in half of that lesson.”

“S’not my fault. I got beaten up by a plant,” I say, kind of shocked. Because, really, what loser gets bitten by a plant.

“Let’s get you to the nurse,” Katie says, rolling her eyes and begins walking faster through the corridors. Ms Ruck doesn’t look too surprised when we waltz through the doors but makes her way over to me and pokes and prods my hand while I let out quite, little ‘ouches’ that she ignores.

“Hmm, sit down while I get an antibiotic swab,” She says then bustles off into her office to retrieve that horrible stuff.

Katie looks at me thoughtfully for a second before saying; “You’re not going to tell anyone about Mark are you?”

“Not if you don’t want to me to,” I sigh heavily; another hushed up relationship I got to keep secret. Well, technically, Hally and Geoff? Not exactly a relationship, there. “Why don’t you want to tell anyone?”

“Well,” Katie blushes yet again. “Megan and Becca might tease him.”

Megan and Becca?! Of all the things that Katie defends herself against; she’s scared Megan and Becca are going to tease her about her new boyfriend. Oh, Lord.

“Katie,” I say sternly. “Who the hell cares what those twats think?”

Katie cringes and Ms Ruck comes out of her office with a particularly scary looking cotton swab and a vial of weird coloured liquid. “Uh, miss?” I ask tentatively, eying her sloshing plenty of the potion on the cotton, making her way threateningly towards me. “Is it really necessary to have an uninfected hand? I mean, I’m totally cool with it dropping off or whatever so you...”

I stop as she wipes the cotton over my cuts and squeeze Katie’s arm to take out some of the burning on her. Ha. “Agh, crap! Let go of me!” Katie cries and I obey, letting my arm drop as Ms Ruck wraps a bandage around my hand.

I jump up happily once it’s done and skip out of the hospital wing, Katie tagging along behind me. The silly wuss is massaging her arm as if I’ve actually hurt her as we enter the Gryffindor common room, ignoring the feeble protest of the Fat Lady who says that ‘Other houses aren’t allowed in here.’ Everyone’s already sitting in the chairs, looking at me and Katie as we enter the room and I sit down in between Freddie and James and Katie takes the seat next to Dom.

“How’s the hand?” Dom asks, biting back a giggle. I glare at her.

“Fine.” I snap.

“You get beaten up by plants and first years!” Freddie cackles and everyone bursts out laughing. And you can totally tell that they all stopped laughing when I came in.

But, oh God. I am utterly pathetic.

“You and me, Fredster, outside,” I growl, glaring at each of them in turn. This only makes them laugh harder, collapsing against each other in fits of giggles. I swear I am the only sane person here; the rest are all off their rockers.

“Don’t worry, Mollie,” James says once he’s stopped laughing. “I once got ordered around by a house elf.”

“I disown both of you,” Freddie chortles and Dom screeches with laughter again.

“Yeah, well, you all suck,” I announce and, dragging James with me, leave the common room to go have a random stroll outside.

You know, as you do.

A/N: Okay, so I know that could be classified as fillery-ish but in the next (few) chapters LOADSA stuff happens so I thought I better sort it out. 
Anyways, review? :]

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