Chapter 1 : Of Tornadoes, Munchkins, and Musical Numbers
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“Ingram! Bring in the corn! We’re gonna have us a supper tonight!”
But Ingram did not want to bring in the corn. In fact, any mention of any grain at all caused Ingram Ignatius Malfoy to become quite narcoleptic.
After a nice twenty minute nap, Ingram stood up and dusted himself off. This episode did not ruffle him at all, as narcolepsy was only one of the many strange tendencies that Ingram had exhibited throughout his sixteen years.
That is why no one was particularly surprised when, one muggy evening in late August, Ingram ran pell-mell into a rapidly forming cyclone.
“I want to go to Oz! Glinda! I’m coming! Don’t leave without me, Toto!” Ingram yelled, in a surprisingly high-pitched voice for a post-pubescent boy.
* * * * *
By a strange turn of events, Ingram did not end up in Oz, but instead was shaken awake by a house elf in the Hogwarts kitchens.
“Master Draco! Master Draco! What is you doing here? Why is you not at the manor? And why is you wearing those dungarees?” exclaimed a rather worried Dobby.
The shock of being surrounded by so many of the Munchkins that he had sought for so long caused Ingram to faint dead away.
For the second time that day, Ingram woke up on a hard stone floor. He was next to a four poster-bed with green and silver drapings.
“HOORAY!” exclaimed Ingram. “I must be in the Emerald City!” And with that, he broke out into a carefully choreographed song and dance number.
“One short day in the Emerald City…” belted out Ingram at the top of his lungs as he danced about the 7th Year Slytherin dormitory. It was turning out to be a very good day.
About forty minutes later, having completed his reenactment of Wicked, Ingram set off to explore the rest of Oz.
* * * * *
It was turning out to be a very bad day for Professor Trelawney. She had misplaced her sherry bottles and was forced to wander the castle for hours on end, searching. She decided that her search would be hastened if she rode her broomstick.
As she was already rather drunk, the joy of flying indoors was too much for Professor Trelawney, and she let out a high-pitched cackle. By a strange twist of fate, it was at this moment that Ingram Malfoy fell down seven flights of stairs and ended up directly beneath Professor Trelawney’s broomstick.
“The Wicked Witch of the West!” cried Ingram, quite overcome with fear. “No matter, I shall defeat you!” he quavered, and promptly threw a conveniently located pail of water at Professor Trelawney’s head.
“What did you do that for?” sputtered the indignant Seer. Quickly recovering herself, she sighed mystically “Ah, I See. Well, good luck with that dark demise of yours. Be on the lookout for large black dogs. I hope we meet again, before it is too late.”
And with that, Professor Trelawney took her leave of a much shaken Ingram.
* * * * *
Ingram spent the next several days in a girls’ lavatory with Moaning Myrtle, discussing her death. She kept calling him Draco, but he didn’t mind, for as everyone knows, Draco is a common term of endearment in the Munchkin culture.
One day, however, Ingram could not find his favorite wailing ghost, and so he embarked on an epic quest in search of his lost entertainment.
It was not long before he came across a truly scrumptious aroma. As he had not eaten anything since his last meal of corn back home in Kansas, he decided to find the source by following his nose. (Literally. His nose was a foot in front of the rest of his body, causing him to walk in a very peculiar manner. The Bloody Baron, who passed by unbeknownst to Ingram, saw this and told the story of the strange boy who walked like a duck to many generations of students to come.)
Ingram eventually reached the source of the wondrous smell: the annual Welcome-Back to Hogwarts feast. He entered the Great Hall as the students were singing the school song. Ingram, being Ingram, misheard the name of the school and cried out indignantly “The books never said it was called Ozwarts! Only Oz! Well, perhaps part of the name was lost in the journey across the Deadly Desert!”
With that exclamation the entire population of Hogwarts turned their eyes to our hero. Looking across the sea of faces, Ingram realized he knew no one there (except for Moaning Myrtle, but she was annoying anyway, not to mention dead). He was suddenly overcome with a lonely melancholy, and, logically, broke into song.
“I’m all alooooone!!!! There’s no one here besiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide me!” Ingram wailed in a very good imitation of Donkey from Shrek.
The Hogwarts populace was petrified by the horribleness that was Ingram’s singing. Our poor hero was mortified, but never fear. The kind authors have inserted a deus ex machina (which, according to answers dot com is defined as “an unexpected, artificial, or improbable character, device, or event introduced suddenly in a work of fiction or drama to resolve a situation or untangle a plot).
Cupid, having lost his purple woolen socks earlier that day, popped in just then to see if his old friend Albus Dumbledore (whose death he was sadly uninformed of) had any to lend him. Taking pity on the forlorn-looking boy standing in between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables, Cupid stabbed Romilda Vane somewhat sadistically with an arrow, causing her to fall madly in love with our hero.
As Ingram attempted to hit a particularly high note, Romilda jumped from her seat and launched herself at him, yelling “My love! I have found you!”
a/n: We know it’s short but hopefully it amused you. Stay tuned as the adventures of Ingram continue and become increasingly outlandish. Reviews would be much appreciated!
Your lovely authors, sanitariumescapee and madelgranger