Harry Potter, Alan Granger quickly decided, was probably the worst sort of son-in-law imaginable.
It wasn’t that he was a bad person. Quite the contrary, Harry had to be one of the most decent young men Alan had ever met. He was kind, caring, smart, and clearly loved Hermione very much; in short, exactly the sort of man Alan had always wanted for his daughter.
When Hermione first introduced Harry to him as her boyfriend, Alan made sure to get the boy alone and give him a stern lecture about what he did and didn’t want for his daughter. To his surprise and (though he refused to show it) immense delight, Harry agreed with everything he said. Perhaps it was because of the cold treatment he’d apparently received as a child from his relatives, but the fact that he held not only Hermione, but all his friends in such high regard was amazing.
At the same time, Harry was tough. He was the type who would avoid fights if he could, but engaged in them anyway if properly motivated. This was a man who would defend his and his loved one’s honor to the very end, an admirable trait if Alan Granger did say so himself.
Alan was thrilled when Hermione announced their engagement, and also a bit relieved. For a while there, Hermione seemed to be showing an interest in that Ron Weasley fellow, and while he was an alright chap, he was certainly not good enough for Hermione; much too lazy and inattentive.
It also wasn’t because of Harry’s financial background that made him such a terrible in-law. Both Alan and his wife had come from moderately wealthy backgrounds and earned good money with their dental practice. The last thing they wanted for Hermione was some con man who would clean out her accounts and run off, or a bum who would live off her and never work a day. Harry Potter was neither. Not only was he a hard worker, he was already rich from the money left to him by his parents and godfather. No doubt he would be able to support Hermione whether he worked or not.
It wasn’t because he didn’t want a family like Hermione did. If anything, he wanted one even more. Alan knew that Harry would be a wonderful father whenever he and Hermione decided to have kids (hopefully not for a long time though. They were only 22 after all). He had several times seen the green-eyed wizard with his orphaned godson Teddy Lupin, and it was the most heart warming display Alan had ever witnessed. The way Harry talked to the child and played with him and sang him to sleep at night (even though he wasn’t really good at it), was enough to convince his father-in-law that he would be a wonderful parent when the time came.
No. It was not for any of those reasons that Harry James Potter was an awful son-in-law. In fact, one would think that Harry was the perfect son in law based on all these wonderful qualities he possessed. But they didn’t know. They couldn’t know…the truth, the true reason that Alan Granger cursed the day he and Hermione stood at the altar, hand in hand, whispering their vows. The sole reason why Harry Potter was the worst son in law anyone father could ever have:
Now, Alan Granger had a younger sister whom he was always very close to. She was an artist, working mainly with glass and on her brother’s ten year anniversary, she had presented the couple with a spectacular gift: a gorgeous chandelier. The structure was quite intricate, she had clearly put a lot of work into it. Sandra Granger had especially loved it and called an electrician to hook it up immediately. There it remained, hanging proudly over the dining room table for years to come. Never once had Alan taken much notice of it, it was lovely of course, but once he’d gotten used to its presence it just sort of blended into the ceiling. It wasn’t until two months ago when Hermione had married Mr. Potter that it became noticeable again.
Since Harry did not feel comfortable staying in either property he owned, he and Hermione were currently staying with the Grangers until their new flat was ready. And ever since they moved in, Alan was horrified to discover that Harry James Potter was not really the wonderful son-in-law he had always seemed to be.
For you see, dear reader, ever since they moved in, the chandelier had begun to shake.
At least eight to twelve times a day.
Now Alan Granger was a well educated man and could do simple math in his head fairly easily. Harry and Hermione had been there for two weeks, on average, the chandelier shook nine times a day, that’s 63 times a week, multiplied by two. 126.
One Hundred and Twenty Six times, and that was only on average, who knows how many times it had really been. What Alan did know was what made the mysterious shaking start. For Hermione’s bedroom (where the couple was currently staying) was situated directly above the prized chandelier. Specifically, her bed was above the chandelier. It didn’t take long for the unfortunate dentist to put two and two together.
At 10:30 a.m. on the fifteenth day of their stay, the shaking began again.
Alan’s eyes burned a hole through his newspaper even though he wasn’t actually reading it. His mind was completely focused on the shake, shake, shaking of that Goddamn chandelier. Footsteps alerted him of the presence of his wife but he didn’t give her any acknowledgement.
“Good morning love.” Sandra Granger greeted her husband while setting a cup of fresh coffee next to him.
Alan only grunted in response, “They’re doing it again.”
Sandra blinked, “Who’s doing what?”
“They.” Alan hissed, throwing aside his paper, “Our daughter and that- that Potter- are doing it. Again!”
It only took Sandra a few seconds to realize what her husband was referring to and when she did, she smiled wistfully, “Oh, yes. Oh, to be that young again…”
Alan gaped at her, “Are you saying you approve of this?!”
“Darling stop being silly,” Sandra said while rolling her eyes, “They’re newlyweds, it’s perfectly normal for them to be-”
“But in our house?!” Alan cried, “Under our roof and above that chandelier so we always know when they’re having…relations!”
“Hmm…” Sandra muttered bringing a hand to her chin, “I did mention that to Hermione about a week ago. She was rather embarrassed actually.”
“Well apparently not enough to stop it!” Her husband ranted, “In fact, it’s been happening even more now! It’s that Potter, that who it is. He’s putting her up to it! I knew that boy was bad news, the moment I saw him I knew Sandy!”
The brunette woman burst out laughing, “Oh come on Alan, you loved him from the start. You told me so yourself.”
“Well that was before I knew about…this! Now it’s clear to me, that boy is nothing but a- a- jackrabbit!”
Sandra snorted into her coffee, “A jackrabbit?”
“Of course! How else could he have so much stamina?! I mean this happens at least nine times a day! Nobody could possibly go that much without getting tired. THAT’S NOT NORMAL!!!!”
Once Alan finished his tirade, his wife calmly stood up, “Well, need I remind you, you were quite the wild man in your day.”
Alan sputter angrily, “Well- Well- I was never like him.” He motioned angrily at the still shaking chandelier.
“I know,” Said Sandra with a grin, “You were worse.”
Alan growled in frustration, “That’s it! I’m putting a stop to this right now!”
With that, the middle-aged man stormed up the stairs ignoring his wife’s attempt to call him back.
Alan careened down the hallway and before he knew it, he was in front of his daughter’s door. His anger boiled as he heard the creaking of Hermione’s bed and Potter’s satisfied chuckling.
Alan began to feel a bit unnerved as he realized that he really did not want to see what was clearly happening behind that door, but his fatherly instincts remained too strong to ignore as he reached for the door handle and prepared to have a very long and violent talk with his accursed Son-in-law.
Alan couldn’t have run away fast enough.
“Harry James Potter, stop that this instant.” Hermione shouted at her idiot of a husband.
“No!” Harry answered from the bed, flashing his wife a shit-eating grin.
“Harry,” Hermione said again in a warning tone, “I’m serious. Do you have any idea what my Parents are probably thinking right now?”
“Well obviously,” Harry answered, “Otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it.”
Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed, “I’m not going to say this again, stop jumping up and down on the bloody bed. NOW!”
“It’s your own fault,” Harry countered, “You shouldn’t have told me about the Chandelier.”
“I told you because I thought maybe we should be more…respectful of my parents. Especially my father, you know how he is.”
Harry rolled his eyes while slamming his feet down on the mattress for perhaps the millionth time that week, “You know what I think? I think you need to loosen up a bit.”
Hermione eyed him, “How so?”
Harry stepped toward one end of the bed and motioned toward the other, “Care to join me?”
Hermione stared at him, first incredulously and then humorously. She knew she couldn’t stay mad at him forever.
“Harry, you are unbelievable.” Hermione giggled as she stepped up onto the bed.
Harry grinned, “That’s why you love me, ‘Mione.”
Okay here’s the story:
When my parents were newly married, they lived in a building with two other couples before getting their own house. The landlady one day told my mom that every time she and Dad had “relations”, the chandelier directly under their room would begin to shake. Naturally, my mom was embarrassed. When she told my dad however, he thought the whole thing was funny and started jumping up and down on the bed every now and then to give off the illusion that “stuff” was going on.
Unlike Hermione however, my mom never joined my dad in freaking out the neighbors, although she tells me that she wishes she did.