Chapter 17 : Chapter Seventeen. Lily.
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After Camilla’s orders, I walked into the washroom and just stared into the mirror for a long time. Stared at my tear-stained face, at my ratty, tangled hair, at my bloodshot eyes; wondering the whole time whether I, at all, looked pretty when I cried. This, in actuality, is a ridiculous thought and more than a bit narcissistic. But that’s what I thought; moreover, I thought whether or not James would think I was pretty when I cried.
Another ridiculous thought. But I’ve always been that way, always been too concerned with how other people see me. That’s half why I wouldn’t agree to date Potter. I never wanted people to think of me as anything other than perfect, while I’ve always been anything but.
I cleaned up my face and attempted to brush out my frizzy red hair, succeeded a bit, but only slightly. I brushed my teeth quickly and then turned to change clothes. All the others were doing mostly the same thing, all busying themselves with getting prepared, cleaning themselves up. Mute was furiously combing her hair, tears running down her face. I walked over to her and wrapped one arm around her.
“Shhh,” I pacified her. “Listen, everything is going to work out.”
I don’t know what the catalyst to this sentence was. I knew everything wouldn’t work out, but the sight of Mute crying was unsettling, as she was always the rock solid comforter. And now she needed my comforting.
“You don’t understand, Lily,” She chirped. “He won’t do anything with me.”
“Of course he will!” I hushed her. “You’re an attractive, amazing, charming, intelligent young woman! He’d be lucky to have such a privilege!”
“No,” She sighed. “I wasn’t fishing for compliments, Lil. He literally won’t. Don’t ask me why, but he just can’t. And I can’t force him!”
“I hate to say this,” I paused. “But you have to try and make him.”
She nodded, her eyes filling with fresh tears. This was a hopeless situation. I knew that making anyone do anything is completely and totally wrong, but I shivered when I thought about the ‘or else’ might be. We couldn’t risk that.
I changed quickly, pulling on a khaki skirt and a soft brown velvet blouse that I’d bought at a small Hogsmeade shop last term. I pulled my hair back gently and dabbed a bit of perfume on my neck. I dabbed on some lip balm and then sighed. I was ready.
I waved to Elsie, who was changing into a halter dress, and then exchanged a long look with Mute, who was wiping her cheeks with a towel. I turned and waited about ten seconds, as Camilla had just exited, and I didn’t want anything to seem too obvious.
When I entered the common room, everything seemed so mesmerizing. The light from the fire was reflecting from the mirrors and metal picture frames that lined the walls. The students were all participating in different activities. The smell of warmth and cinnamon and wood was in the air. I inhaled deeply, looking around hopelessly for the raven haired guy I needed.
“Lily,” Sirius darted up behind me and scooped me up in a huge bear hug. I squealed, drawing way too much attention to myself and Sirius than I’d planned. I quickly located Camilla, who was looking straight at us, a glint in her eye, and biting her lip. Sirius put me down so that I could turn to him.
“Sirius, you know better than to sneak up on a gal and sweep her off her feet!” I grinned. I hadn’t been on friendly terms with Sirius Black for very long, but he was quite a clever bloke, and I noted immediately that we had chemistry as friends. Which, after loathing him for almost seven years, I was tremendously surprised to discover.
“Ah, I simply cannot help it, lady, as I’m quite the charmer!” He chuckled at his own joke. His glossy black hair was falling into his eyes, which were bright as he looked down at me.
“You wish,” I laughed heartedly, turning a bit to scan the room.
“Looking for Jamesy Poo?” Sirius smirked, looking as well. I knew he already knew where he was, so I simply endured this silly game he was playing. “I noticed him over by the window, with Molly.”
“M-Molly?” I stuttered. Oh Merlin, she couldn’t have! Not yet! I turned toward the window quickly, my peripheral vision spotting Mute jumping off the last step, directly into Remus’s arms. They beamed at each other and exchanged a long kiss, which I was proud to see (oddly enough) because Mute was holding up so well.
Sure enough, James and Molly were seated on the window seat. I froze in place, my mouth open, and my eyes wide with worry. Molly was facing towards me while James was looking out the window. I looked to Sirius. He made a shooing motion with his hands, smiling ever so slightly. I turned towards James again.
As I walked over, of course a thousand thoughts raced through my head. Had Molly already told him? What would happen if she had? Would he forgive me? What was going to happen when I finally reached them?
Molly looked up from James, her eyes spotting me immediately. At her sudden disinterest, James turned as well. He beamed when he saw me. And I only had eyes for him, despite the evil death glare that I was receiving from Molly. I glared back when James turned to excuse himself, but as soon as his attention was to me, I found my glare dissolve.
“Hey,” He breathed as he rushed over to me. “I’ve been looking for you all night.”
He kissed me quickly, a light smacking sound going in the air. And when we were apart again, I smiled sadly at him. He didn’t pick up on the edge tonight, which was a relief.
“I, er, have a gift for you?” I laughed. He laughed too, confused though.
“A gift? Babe, you know I don’t need a gift or anything! Being with you is,” He paused to take a deep breath. “It’s more than anything you could ever give me…”
“Well, that’s the gift,” I took his calloused hands in mine. He looked at me strangely. I let my thumbs rub the back of his hands softly, and I looked down. “I want to give you…me.”
“Lily,” he sighed. I started to shake my head gently. “You know how wonderful that is for me to hear, you know. But I can’t make you do that!”
“But,” I started to refute, but he continued.
“We only started dating a little while ago. What sort of a bloke would I be if I let you do this? I’d feel like a prat, Lily. You’d feel terrible too! And don’t deny it.” I shook my head. I almost started to cry when I realized the truth in his words. But then a thought came over me.
I loved him. It was such a weird sensation. A dumb feeling swept through me, like this was always there, but it was just now that I could truly see it, feel it. I’d been so blind, so ignorant of myself. It was a good feeling, knowing that I cared for him so deeply. And I knew he cared for me the same way, even if he didn’t say it.
“It’s what I want, James. Don’t you?” I asked, looking up. I knew it was a guilt trip, but this entire night was just so terrible, I could be just a bit like Camilla if I needed to be.
“Of course I do!” He nearly choked. “Merlin, normally it’s the guy pressuring the girl!”
I laughed, “Well, you know there’s never been anything normal about us, J.”
“I s’pose not,” He sighed, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. I let my eyes flutter closed. “Listen, I don’t think you’re going to get this out of your head. And…I’ll do it.”
“You will?” I shouted, throwing my arms around him and squealing. He lifted me up and swung me around a little, laughing at my enthusiasm. “Oh James, thank you!”
“But let’s wait. At least a few weeks. Maybe next month?” He said, rubbing a hand through his hair, and looking to the ground.
Camilla’s word rang through my head. We needed to do it tonight, it couldn’t wait. “Well, just quit! Tell them you don’t care, tell them you’re dying, tell them anything! Just fucking leave this!” That’s all I could hear, Camilla shouting over and over again. It was annoying, and demanding. I sighed.
“James, I can’t wait that long.” I took his hand roughly and guided him up the stairway. He protested all the way up, but didn’t snatch his hand away.
Once we were in the boys’ dormitory, I led him to the bed I knew now was his, and hopped up. He had no choice but to sit down as well, or leave me. But he just sat on the edge. I groaned and pulled the curtains closed all around us, the one on his side draping over his legs. He pulled them up so that the curtain could hang straight. I lifted my wand, “Silencio!”
“Lily,” He began sternly, but I just looked up at him with the biggest puppy dog look.
“You just don’t get it, James. I need you. Right now, I need you, and it can’t wait, and that’s just…that’s just it,” I pulled him to me, putting his hands on my waist. I’d never seen a guy so reluctant to snog or shag or anything. It was obvious James was different. And I was so proud and so honored that he was, but right now that mattered very little.
“Lily, I can’t do this. I can’t! We’re seventeen! That’s so young, I don’t think you realize!” He griped.
Camilla’s words again crossed my mind: “Well, just quit! Tell them you don’t care, tell them you’re dying, tell them anything! Just fucking leave this!”
“James, it can’t wait!” I told him quickly.
“Why? Why can’t it wait?” He waited skeptically. I watched him apprehensively, wondering what could possibly make him help me in this. To make him sleep with me. And then, finally, Camilla’s words came in handy—not that I’d ever let her know it.
“I’m dying,” I cried. I worried I would be horrible at acting, but the tears came easily when I stopped to think about everything and how overwhelmed I was right now. How Molly was threatening to take James away, and how I was so worried that she could. That someone could literally effortlessly grab someone you love and make them love them…it seemed completely mad, but it scared me so much. Because I didn’t want to lose James.
“You’re…you’re what?” He asked, thoroughly confused. “You can’t.”
“I’m dying. I can’t explain. But that’s the gist of it. Please, I just need to do this.”
I cried into his shoulder for effect, and he kissed the top of my head. And we just sat like that for a really long time. And then his lips found mine.
It was like he was putting everything he had into it. And I felt horrible, because it wasn’t suppose to be this way. He wasn’t supposed to be guilt tripped into sleeping with me, like I had been guilt tripped into dating him.
His lips moved over mine, and he quickly kicked his shoes off. They tumbled off the bed onto the floor, but I never heard them land, as we were surrounded in a silent cocoon. I kicked mine off as well and inched closer to him. He looked into my eyes for a moment and then we kissed once more. I felt him roll on top of me and relished his warmth. It was a wonderful sensation.
We collapsed onto his pillow, and I inhaled deeply this familiar scent that was embedded in the cloth, but also on the man who was kissing my neck. I sighed, trying to edge him on. It was one of the most crucial moments of my life, and I just wanted it to be over. And strangely, I wanted it to last longer. Because James didn’t know. And now that I’ve told that horrible lie, he’s going to hate me even more.
His tongue licked at my neck, and then went upwards, leaving a wet trail to my ear. He whispered, “I love you.”
And I knew he meant it, because I meant it.
I pulled him to me, pushing my lips onto his. There was a sadness in his eyes, and I knew it was because he was still think that I was going to be dead. And I hadn’t lied. I will die, eventually, and therefore, every moment I live I am in fact dying!
James’s hands went to my hips, rolling softly back and forth. I smiled and put my hands at his shoulders, wrapping them around his neck, pulling him closer. Because I wanted him to be closer. Closer than any other person had ever been.
We rolled onto our sides, and stared at each other. Minutes passed. Then, very slowly, I took my hand and unclasped my brown blouse, undoing on button at a time.
James smiled, “Why would you buy a shirt with so many buttons?”
“So I could torture you?” I guessed, undoing buttons at an even, steady pace. His eyes were glued to my chest, but not in a sick way, in an enticing way. It made me feel wanted, desired for more than just notes or answers. It felt so good.
“Gods,” He moaned, taking matters into his own hands, literally. The buttons were undone in less than ten seconds, and my stomach was exposed. I felt more than a bit self conscious, but I tried not to show it. He stared, and then he looked into my eyes, and I saw such warmth that I sat up a bit and edged the shirt off.
He touched my arm, and moved his hand gently up to my shoulder, touching every part of me. And I closed my eyes to feel it. His hand traveled over my bra, giving me goose bumps. I scooted closer to him, just to make him touch me more. It felt so good.
That sinking feeling, the feeling where your abdomen sinks into your lower half, that beautiful feeling was going double time right now. It was delicious, and I craved it. I moved ever closer, so close that I was touching him. And he was firm, if you get my drift.
We drew closer for another kiss. His tongue darted between my lips, massaging mine with this abandon I didn’t know he had. He reached back, and after a few numb tries, his feeble fingers unclasped my bra. I stopped the kiss. Then he looked panicked, and I realized we were both fumbling teenagers, and I started laughing.
Which was completely the wrong thing to do, because it probably scared the hell out of him, and he scooted away, his eyes full of humiliation and disgrace, and I was laughing my ass off, my heaving chest exposed.
“What’s funny?” He managed to smile, but I felt so bad for him that I pounced at him. My words coming in between the pity kisses.
“We’re so inexperienced. I love it,” I gave him a passionate kiss.
“Inexperienced?” He laughed. Then he flips me a bit and he was on top of my again. That delicious feeling of his hips pressed to mine was back, and I moaned. I covered my mouth, embarrassed, but he grinned and pulled my hand away. “I like to hear you.”
I gave a small smile, and then he kissed me again. His hand roamed my chest for several minutes, marvelously giving the impression that they were experienced. I sighed, arching up to meet him several times. I realized he was still mostly clothed, and tugged on the bottom of his light jumper. He laughed, pulling up off quickly. I was flatly horizontal, but he was sitting up straight, a leg on either side of me, his groin pressing into my pelvis. And I couldn’t control the moan that escaped me. And that’s when he ground his hips into mine.
It was like fire. I gasped, reaching up to pull him back to me, my hand working to trace every part of him. His chest wasn’t defined perfectly, meaning he wasn’t the epitome of a macho man. In actuality he was rather lanky, but boy was he fit! I kissed his shoulder, his collar bone, everywhere. He let out a groan, and it made me feel satisfied in a strange way. “Lily…”
My heart was racing and I played his game by grinding my hips and bucking them upwards to meet his. He fell over, on top of me, panting. I laughed, kissing his jaw, his neck, licking the space beneath his ear. He was beautiful.
I reached down and unbuckled his pants, sliding them down a bit before his hands came to assist me. My skirt had been lost in the tumble.
Moments of awkward movement passed, and then we were just us again. He was lying on top of me, his weight heavy and wonderful. We were both simply in our undergarments. I felt his hands reach down, driving my knickers a bit lower. And my eyes met his. He smirked, loving this power he had over me. I felt this delicious feeling, this magnetism that drew me to buck my hips once more, which made him groan. It was lust, but covered by love. Because in my mind, ultimately, they are one in the same when in action, and I loved James with so much of my heart, and I knew he loved me. And this was just beautiful.
And we continued, touching each other and discarding smaller bits of clothing, until we were completely together. He looked into my eyes again, and I nodded. And then the bed rocked a little. And we were together, in the closest sense. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. James gently patted my hair and kissed my lips and my cheek and my forehead. He stayed completely still so that I could try to regain my breath.
The dare didn’t come to mind until after. When we were both laying in silence, under his sheets, bathed in a soft layer of sweat, panting. It was the most glorious feeling I have ever felt. I turned to him, and he patted my hair again. And there was a glint in his eyes, which, I’m sure, matched my own. Triumph.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“I know,” He laughed, and he held my hand.
So, I'm definitely a horrible writer when it comes to close moments such as these, and I hope that didn't ruin the chapter.
PLEASE review and tell me what you thought, especially this chapter!
Review Question: What is Mute's favorite color? Camilla's? Elsie's? Lily's?
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