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Of All the Faulty Bludgers by mayday
Chapter 15 : With a Mustache
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 7

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When I was a young lass (urgh stupid prat ruining my speech) my mum told me that there was nothing wrong with a girl pretending to be a boy.

But I’m not entirely sure she meant this.

I mean for being a self-proclaimed prophet of the Lord, Melissa Sparks’s proverbs may be a tad off. Dad says I get my special spark from my mum, but personally I just think crazy runs in the family. I mean if a normal person (Dad) marries a crazy person (Mum) doesn’t it mean that the so called normal person (Dad) is just as mentally unstable as the crazy person (Mum)!

It makes sense...right?

I mean who the bloody hell tells a six year old child, who just lost the part of Mary in the Christmas pageant, that it’s okay to play a shepherd!


At six years old it was my personal dream to be Mary, the mum of baby Jesus, in the Christmas pageant at Saint Valentine’s Catholic Church and at six years old I realized how cruel dreams really are.

“Ruth, do you know what might be fun,” Mum asked me during the dress rehearsal for the pageant. My head snapped up. Even at the age of six I knew what fun was and oh boy, did I like fun.

“What!” I replied bouncing up and down while juggling the doll of fake baby Jesus.

Mum smiled wide showing her pearly whites, “Being a shepherd!”

I tilted my head to the side causing my Mary veil to fall into my face “A what?”

“Millie honestly,” Dad sighed looking exasperated holding onto Jacob Solace who was squirming. I didn’t like Jacob. He was a jerk. I told him I wanted him to be my Joseph, so I could be his Mary. He kicked me. I dunked his head in holy water.

Jacob Solace cried and cried and to think I’m married to him! I think I’ve finally figured out why married people are so grouchy. I wonder if the real Mary and Joseph fought like Jacob and I do.

“Henry!” Mum shushed him, “Sorry love, but do you remember the story I told you about Moses?”

I nodded.

“Well you like Moses, right? He was a shepherd! Wouldn’t you like to be a shepherd!”

I thought for a moment, “Nope. I wanna be Mary,” I replied clutching Jesus to my chest.

Mum’s smiled strained a bit, “I know you want to be Mary honey, but after you lost Jesus yesterday-”


“-I know Ruth, I know, but I talked to Father Patrick this morning and I think it might be best if you let Therese play Mary.”

My eyes widen, jaw dropped, and Jesus rolled to the ground.

“Oh no,” Dad muttered under his breath.

“Father Patrick doesn’t want me to be Mary,” I replied my voice squeaking.

“No, no! Of course Father Patrick wants you to play Mary-”

“You told me lying was a sin,” I cried out.

“I’m not lying, I swear sweetheart,” Mum said desperately.

“You told me good Christians aren’t suppose to swear!”

“We’re not Christians dummy,” Jacob replied slipping out of Dad’s grip, “we’re Catholics... duh!”

“What do you know,” I said standing up, facing the red haired boy.

“More than you!”



“Kids,” Mum interrupted as parents started to look over .



I huffed, “What do you know you’re just a crybaby boy who is the worse Joseph I have ever met!”

Jacob smirked, “Why do you care anyway Ruthie. We’re getting a divorce and Therese is going to be Jesus’ new mummy.”

And then my friends, hell broke loose. Swears were sworn, Jesuses were thrown, and veils were used as a strangling weapon. My parents ended up loosing their job teaching Sunday School at St. Valentine’s, but in the end I broke Jacob Solace’s arm. Why? Because I was in love with him.

And now almost twelve years later, here I am wearing a mustache. 

Why? Well... why not?

To be honest, it’s for Katie because that seems to be the answer for everything these days. It’s amazing that I’m so devoted to Kit-Kat and she won’t even owl me back! I’m really starting to feel like she wears the pants in our relationship. Even though technically I’m wearing pants right now.

(Because I stole Oliver’s clothes to disguise myself as a man and I have to say I’m pretty good looking. Why am I dressed as a boy... well I’m kind of hiding from Oliver and other things... wink,wink.)

Or maybe she really is getting my letters and isn’t replying because she’s dead or dying or has a concussion or has been run over by a quaffle or...


.... what if Quaffle (the owl) killed Katie! Or ate her!

I really wouldn’t put it above him or below him or anywhere near him. He’s one sick sadist of a bird. When I get my hands on those feathers, I’ll-

“Excuse me?”

“You’re excused,” I replied vaguely to the funny female voice.


“You’re pardoned.”

“Umm... do you need something?”

“Nope,” I replied... how much do you think it would cost to bribe a centaur into eating an owl....

”Then, why did you knock on the door,
” the female asked confused. you think Voldemort would be cheaper? I’m kinda on a tight budget. I still need to get Leanne her stupid fan. Urgh!

“Will, WILL! HELP!”
a voice yelled in an American accent.

I looked up to see a pretty Asian woman screaming her lungs out. Merlin what’s her issue? I wonder what’s she’s doing at Willie’s apartment. Why is she screaming for help!

Suddenly a familiar figure burst through the doorway, wand erect.

* * * * * * *

Other POV:

“Oh God Will, I was so scared,” Jenna cried out launching herself onto a male’s lanky figure.

“It’s okay,” Will replied patting her back, “it’s fine Jen. I would have never let him hurt you.”

“I know, I know. He was talking to himself then he mentioned... you-know-who and I just...”

“Shhh, it’s okay,” the young man replied holding onto his her. Actually it was hardly okay. His muggle wife scared the hell out of him, almost died, and now he had a Deatheater in his entryway. It was far from okay.

“Now, I need you to go into the kitchen and get me that vial of clear liquid in the cabinet by the sink. Could you do that?”

Jenna nodded her head in his shoulder and slowly let go of him. Sniffling, she walked into the kitchen leaving a furious William Yu in her wake.

Will took a deep breath before walking over to the fallen’ figure near the door. It took all his effort not to pull out his wand right there and end the whole thing, but the only thing stopping him was Jenna in the other room.

The figure was small and wore a thick gray jacket. Will reached out for the body’s forearm and felt his eyes widen in shock. No Will Yu didn’t find a tattoo of a skull and snake, but fingernail polish, bright red fingernail polish.

And as far as Will knew Deatheater’s did not wear nail polish.

Will quickly turned the small figure over to see...

“Ruthie Sparks.”

Yes his former best mate’s girl, Ruthie Sparks... wearing a mustache.

* * * * * *

Ruthie's POV:

Oh God.

Oh dear God... am I dead?

Please be alive, please be alive!

I bet I’m dead! That crazy Asian woman was screaming so loud, she probably broke my ear drums! Oh God, oh Jesus, oh Mary!


Is that God? Does he know magic? I felt my whole body twitch and  it felt like the weight of the world was being lifted from my shoulders.

My eyes flashed open and I was momentarily blinded, but I could see a dark outline of a person standing over me.


Okay, don’t hyperventilate act cool... act cool!


Canoodling camels... he knows my name!! I mentally smacked myself. Of course he knows my name.... he’s Jesus!

“Yes,” I croaked looking towards the light.

“Oh Merlin it is you! I thought you were you-know-who!”

Okay, is Voldie here?! Oh Satan! I’m in hell!

I blinked a couple of times and realized I wasn’t looking at Jesus, but Willie. Unless... Willie was Jesus.

“Are you Jesus?”

“Are you wearing a mustache?”


Ah... Willie, I’ve missed your humor.

“Still talking out loud I see,” Will said with a smile.

“Still.... Asian I see,” I replied as he just shook his head.

“Come on killer,” Willie said pulling me off the ground, “tell me why you’re here and why the hell you’re wearing a mustache.”

* * * * * * * *

So guess what! Willie Yu got married... MARRIED! The one guy who vowed to be single forever and ever and well ever  got hitched. To a muggle! It just doesn’t make sense. I think poor Jenna has no idea who Willie’s one true love actually is! The poor thing.

William Yu is Oliver’s best mate from Hogwarts. Those two were like attached to the hip. I always thought something was fishy in their relationship and now I realize there is a lot more than tuna stinking up the joint.

”I can’t believe you’re married Willie,” I commented taking a sip of hot chocolate.

“I can’t believe you still call me Willie. I haven’t been called that in years,” he replied sitting next to his pretty wife who was looking at me strangely.  Well I don’t really blame her, I’m still wearing a mustache. I shook my head, some people just don’t understand the need for espionage.

I looked at him confused, “Doesn’t Wood still call you Willie? I sure hope he doesn’t call you lass.”

I honestly hope he doesn’t call me that horrid name, let alone someone else. Although some may find in endearing, it’s damn annoying. If Oliver is to address me by anything it should be your highness of maybe just not talk to be at all.

I vote for the latter.

Willie froze then let out a forced laugh, “No he doesn’t.”


“I actually haven’t talked to Oliver in quite a while. How is he?”

“Fine,” I dragged out looking from Jenna to Willie in bemusement. Did she know?


Only one way to find out!

“Umm... Jenna would it be okay if I talked to Willie alone?”

She looked at me doubtfully, “Why don’t you check on the puppies Jen?”

Willie smiled at her in reassurance as she slowly walked towards another room. Hmm... I don’t think she likes me very much. I bet she poisoned my cocoa.

“You have puppies?” I asked taking a fake sip from my mug.

“Yep, our dog Jessie had a little a couple months ago.”


Okay Ruthie lets try to get this out with style, poise, and grace.

“Oliver’sgayandhe’sinlovewithyouhetoldmeatthepitchyesterdayandyou’remarriedt oamugglewhoyellsreally,reallyloud,butnowshe’sreallyreallyquiet,butshe wasscreamingealier.NoseriouslymateIthinkIblewaneardrum!DoesJenna knowaboutyouandWoodbecauseitcouldbepotentiallypromblematic...”

I think I got my point across.


“Oliver’s gay.”


“Wood is gay.”


“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” I accused thinking of Willie’s wife, “you know!”

Willie chuckled a few times, “You’re real funny Ruthie. Oliver’s gay... haha.”

“Yeah he’s gay and in love with you!”

“Okay, now you’ve really gone bonkers,” Willie sighed “have you been hit with a bludger recently?”

I huffed, “No I have not been hit with a bludger recently-”

“A quaffle?”

“-No, I-”

“A beater’s bat?”

“A snitch?”

“No, what are you-”

“God Ruthie you must have hit the ground pretty hard after I knocked you out. We should probably get you over to Saint Mungo’s, Oliver would kill me if I was the one to make you crazier than you already are,” Willie interrupted surveying me.

Excuse me?! I have never been thus insulted in my seventeen years-

“Come on killer let’s go. We’ll take you over and I’ll have Jenna floo Oliver-”

“NO!” I yelled yanking myself out of his grasp.

“Come on Ruthie don’t be difficult.”

I felt tears well up in my eyes. Dear Lord, why was I crying! It must be all the extra male hormones from this bloody mustache!

“He told me he loved you!” I cried out sinking back into the sofa.


“He said ‘Ruthie, I love yo-’” I repeated in my faux Scottish accent.



“-he finally told you, after all these years,” Willie said astonished.

“It’s been going on for years!”

“Shut up and listen Ruthie. Go back to the compound and talk to Oliver, he’ll explain it to you,” Willie replied with impatience.

“Why can’t you!” I whined.

“Because it’s none of my business, it’s between you and Oliver!”

“Excuse me,” I asked bemused, “what do I have to do with this?”

“Just about everything.”

“I don’t understand,” I replied tilting my head to the side looking at Willie’s brown eyes which seemed slightly amused, but more annoyed than anything.

“He’s in love with you.”

I rolled my eyes, “I already know that you wanker!”

“Not Yu as in me, you as in you-”

God, Willie has finally gone crazy. It must be from hanging around with his muggle wife. Believe me I have no prejudice against muggles, but look at me parents... look at ME! We’re all off our rockers!

“-Y-O-U! Oliver loves you Ruthie.”











“Dear lord baby Jesus.”


Oliver Wood loves me, Ruthie Sparks.

Well fancy that.

* * * * * *

I just can’t get over it.

Oliver loves me, like he loves Quidditch and quaffles and boy stuff.

Loves me.

* * * * * *

It’s just unbelievable!

Mrs. Ruthie Wood.


Okay let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Every time you find out a boy likes you, you end up scaring them away! Like Blondie and Kenny and Jacob and....

* * * * *

..and Matthew and Simon and Draco Malfoy (well, maybe not) and Kyle and Quincy and Thomas and....

* * * * * * *

Well let’s not start planning the wedding now, I mean I don’t even like Oliver... right?

I mean when he touches me I get all tingly and everything gets all hazy and then I usually kick him in the crotch...

Oh dear God... I have the hots for Wood!

Everyone knows I express my feelings through violence!

OH GOD! I wanna get violent with Wood.


For some reason I have the feeling that will always gross me out a bit. Okay think about Roger, think about Roger....

Hey, it’s not working! Bloody hell! Thinking about Roger Davies always makes me giddy.

Come on Ruthie. Think about Roger. Roger Davies with his brown hair, teasing look, soft deep voice, simple smile...

HEY! That’s not Roger, that’s Oliver!

I want Oliver Wood.

No, I need Oliver Wood.

Well, that’s new.

“Not really,” a voice said interrupting my thoughts.


“You being in love with Oliver. You’ve liked him since you tried to beat him to death with a broomstick and you’ve loved him since you pushed him into the lake your third year,” Willie replied smirking.

I gasped, “I do not love Oliver, I just have the hots for him.”

“No, your little friend Bell has the hots for Oliver. You on the other hand are far more...”

But I didn’t hear the rest of Willie’s sentence, only one word echoed through my mind.


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