Chapter 7 : Anyone for champagne ?
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‘Morning Gorgeous,’ He croaks opening one eye and squinting up at me.
I stare down at Scorpius in absolute horror and he blinks up looking completely astonished. Before I know it we are both screaming. This goes on for a bit until Scorpius holds his hand up.
‘Ro, shurrup.This isn’t helping anyone.’ He croaks pulling his head in his hands and ruffling his hair.
‘Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.’
‘Oh yeah very helpful Rose, anything else you want to point out?’ He grimaces.
‘um…did you know you have a very girly scream.’
Scorpius rolls his eyes and attempts to tug the duvet up round his chest.I tug back and this results in a small but very feeble and hungover wrestling match.
‘Merlin Rose what-is- your- problem?’ Scorpius grimaces through clenched teeth as he tries to pull the duvet back over him.
‘I don’t want you to see me naked.OK !’ I howl.
Scorpius, at my words immediately drops the duvet and panic stricken hurls himself against the bedhead, away from me. I think I may have seen Moaning Myrtle look happier. I am so glad I have this affect on boys.
‘What do you mean….naked.’ He whispers turning pale.
‘ I mean all I have on is a pair of very small knickers and my boobs are making a bid for freedom. Naked. No clothes. Birthday suit. In the nud. Bare.’ I spit.
Scorpius the brat has the cheek to roll his eyes.
‘I know what naked means you twat. I mean…do you think we….’
Sudden sickening realization hits me as I realize the point he is trying to make.
Did we have sex ?
I blame all of this on Roxy and her stupid sex mad cat outfit she made me wear.
‘Oh God. I just don’t remember.’ I cry and suddenly all I want to do is crawl up into a ball and die.What type of stupid girl goes to a party and gets so drunk she cant remember if she had sex with her enemy or not? Actually. Don’t answer.
‘Shit Rose. Don’t cry,’ Scorpius gasps and before I know it he has pulled me into a massive hug. A very naked massive hug.
Realizing what we are doing we break about and Scorpius flashes back to his side of the bed.
‘Yeah I mean.Don't cry....Just-be a man!’ He finishes gruffly and reaching for a bloody packet of fags from the bedside table.
Slowly I try to piece last night back together. Sadly all I get is a lot of slippery nipples (The cocktail, you dirty people) and oddly some leprecorns. I am just vaguely remembering a giant pink panther when Scorpius lets out another howl.
‘Ok Ro.Don’t freak out but…’
I have never seen Scorpius look so terrified in my life.
Ok. Now I am freaking out.
‘What! Tell me.’ I wail. Knowing my luck I played strip poker or got a tattoo or something equally ridiculous.
‘I think…..we may….have…got married..??!!’ He finishes.
‘ohhh. So that explains the ‘Just married’ written across your face…I was wondering why….’
Scorpius leans over and takes my hands.Staring straight into my eyes he speaks slowly and carefully.
‘Rose. We got married.’
Scorpius is not making sense and I start to giggle feebly into my lap. Suddenly something on my hand catches my eye and I double take. On my fourth finger on my left hand there sits a ring smugly shining.
‘Oh. My. God.’ I scream. ‘Fuck. we got married. Fucking hell what shall we do. Why are you so calm? What the hell is wrong with you. God I will kill you,’
Scorpius grins and lies back on his pillows.
‘There’s the reaction I expected.’
Mum will kill me. Dad will kill Scorpius. Mr.Malfoy will kill Dad and then Hugo will be all alone and turn even weirder. As I picture this I start to hyperventilate. Scorpius watches me warily before decidedly chucking his bottle of water over my face.
And that is how he got his first black eye.
I am trying to scratch his eyes out when I hear yells of anguish from next door. Scorpius stops trying to hold my wrists and freezes. That scream sounded painful.
Jumping up he pulls on a pair of baggy dark blue pajama bottoms and flings a shirt at me. It is also dark blue and skims my thighs.
‘ Yeah lets make it obvious we had sex.’ I snap.
Scorpius just ignores me and strides quickly out of his room to the sound of the yelling.
It is not a pretty sight.
James and Max, who is still in his banana costume, are having a slanging match. Max is whacking James with a stiletto and James is pulling Max’s hair. Scorpius looks at the bottle of water in his hand before emptying the rest over them. They part instantly.
‘Guys. What happened!?’ I gasp as I notice Max’s bloody nose and James puffy eye.
‘He married me!’ They each wail pointing at each other.
It is then I notice they each have identical rings to the ones Scorpius and I are wearing. James and Max keep shouting at each other and it appears, like us, they both got pissed and paid a little visit to the Las Vegas Chapel.
After a lot of screaming from all four of us and a lot of ' what sort of moron would hire a REAL priest for a party,' from three of us,we all calm down enough to breath again. It seems,like Scorpius and I, Max and James also got married.
That bloody priest must have had a field day. Smug clerical basterd.
‘What happened to you two anyway?’ Max asks eyeing Scorpius’ now black eye, and my disheveled hair.
James anxious face suddenly splits into a grin and he nods knowingly.
‘ They had sexxxxx. Yeah BABY!!!! ooh don’t look like that Rosie Posie, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’
Scorpius grins and accepts James high-five.
This is how he got his 2nd black eye.
‘Number one you stupid fuckwit,’ I snarl pulling James hair. ‘ we did not have sex. Number two we are not in Vegas so that makes our marriages valid and number three-you EVER call me Rosie Posie again and I will tell everyone you still sleep with a doll of Viktor Krum in your bed.’
James yelps ‘not Victor’ before nodding solemnly. I breathe heavily before climbing onto the bed next to them, Scorpius is still staggering round clasping his other black eye when suddenly the idea hits me.
And this great idea is the reason a pretty dishelvalled pink sequnied James, a giant banana ,a cat, and Scorpius (who had time to change) plus the whole Potter/Weasly clan are standing below the steely gaze of Madame Krake , the harshest wizard judge since Dolores Umbridge.
‘So Mr Malfoy, your claim to an Annulment is your wife ‘beats you’?’ Judge Krake simpers.As Scorpius points to his two black eyes.
I hear the whole courtroom hold their breath. Out of the corner of my eye I see my mother grasp my fathers hand who is looking daggers at me. Ok, so my parents did not take the news that I had a ‘spouse’ too well. I think ‘you bloody alcoholic imbecile’ covers their reaction pretty well.
It was only because Mum was so furious that we got a court hearing so quickly, as in 25 minutes after I owled her.
No one says no to Hermione Weasly when she is in a mood. Dad hasn’t spoken to me yet. Thank god I go back to Hogwarts tomorrow, he has already broken his toe from kicking a door frame. Bloody Scorpius is so lucky as his parents are still doing whatever you do in Alaska.
What do you actually do in Alaska..???
Err I bet they have sex on fur rugs.By Fires.Or in the Snow. Oh GOD. Now I am imagining old people sex.
Shut up brain.
‘Mrs Malfoy….your answer please ?’ A clipped voice brings me round.
Is she talking to me ? MRS Malfoy. God weird.
‘She is talking to you idiot!’ Scorpius says kicking my shins.
'No shit Sherlock,' I mutter furiously back.
Judge Krake stares beadily over her notes at me and frowns.This Annulment thing is far harder than expected. You actually need a reason other than ‘ I hate his guts.’ And Judge Krake didn’t take my earlier pleas of ‘ He has crabs’ too seriously.
‘Mrs Malfoy-I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. I am pondering whether or not to grant you an Annulment. Teenagers everywhere see you as an ‘icon’, god help them. And IF I annul your sham of a marriage they will follow in suit causing a whole lot of unwanted teen marriages.’ Krake says in her clipped tone.
How dare she use that fact Mum and Dad saved the world against me. Stupid bitch.
‘Look lady-my name is not Mrs Malfoy and if your don’t give me this I will come over there and stick your fat judge hammer up your fat arse.’ I screech as Scorpius slams his hand over my mouth.
Judge Krake sniffs indignantly. ‘One month of marriage. And Mr Malfoy, try to control your poor excuse for a wife.’ She points her wand at my hand and murmurs an incantation, jumping I feel my ‘wedding ring’ burn white hot then cool. Judging from Scorpius’ yelp he has felt the same thing.
‘court dismissed.’ She snaps banging her hammer down with malice. ‘ Mr Potter and Mr Potter.Enter.’
As Scorpius and I file out with the rest of my family I see Max and James slope to the front of the room followed by a sniggering Uncle Harry and an absolutely fuming Auntie Ginny. They are also attempting to get an Anullment.
‘Well. That didn’t go too badly. We can forget about it for a month then get a divorce.Easy as pie !’ I smile at my parents.
Eerily dad seems very elated by the verdict and grins back.
‘Don’t you get it you idiot? If we go 5 meters away from each other the ring burns us.’ Scorpius snaps gloomily and paces five meters away. Suddenly an agonizing sensation hits both of us. He grimaces and walks back ringing his hand.
‘A whole month of you.’ I whisper faintly as Dad laughs and mutters ‘learnt your lesson.’
'Mum can't you....' I whisper.
I cannot comprehend a whole month stuck with Scorpius. This is like that mucked up muggle film with Cameron Diaz and Ashton thingy ma bob. Oh gawd ! Even Cameron struggled and she is like a billionaire with blonde hair whereas i am a 20 quidonaire with red hair. I am screwed.
' Sorry darling, but it says in the Wizards Federation of Sarciments that the marriage binding punishment of one month is unbreakable.' Mum gabbles looking pale, I think she is taking this worse than me.
'One month of Scorpius,' I screech again desperately trying to tug the ring off.
‘So anyone for champagne?’ Granddad Weasly adds brightly as Scorpius starts to hit his head against the wall.
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