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Comatose by No_oneKnows
Chapter 1 : Oh My Bloody Chicken
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 22

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1. Oh My Bloody Chicken

“Selene? Selene Roster, can you hear me?” A charming, handsome, blonde, young healer came into view as I awoke from my deep slumber. 

“Please, don't shout, I can hear you,” I told him as I rose my head from the stack of gazillion pillows.

“Stay put and I'll get the Healer,” the man - now apparent - assistant healer said, putting a large hand on my shoulder.

Oh boy, he smells nice. His eyes are pretty. Oh and his voice is nice and low it sends a small tingle down my back. Oh no, actually, that's just because there's a major slit down my gown... WHAT?!

“Selene Roster, you're a miracle, child!” a short, fluffy haired healer came bunding into the white room. Besides him was Albus Dumbledore, striding casually. For the first five minutes of my awakening, he was the only person I was glad to see. Except for the nurse... He was good too. I guess, that just means the fluffball of a healer is excluded.

“Professor!” I yelled out, raising my arms to hug him.

“You needn’t call me professor here, Miss Roster,” he told me pleasantly as he embraced me.

“Right,” I elongated the word, releasing him from my bonds.

I took a quick glance at the healer, his jubilant face scared me... Slightly.

“Now,” he said, “Do you remember how you fell asleep?”

Asleep? “Um... I laid my head on a pillow and closed my eyes?”

The healer beamed and patted my head, “Funny girl! But no, the Whomping Willow at Hogwarts hit you on the head quite brutally." Uh, thanks for putting it softly. "Do you remember that?”

But yes... Oh, yes, I do remember that. The bloody Marauders, bringing me there at the dead of the night. Of course I wouldn't be able to see where I was going! They might as well have thrown me in front of the bloody Knight bus! At least then I'd only have one bleedingly insane object hitting my body. But no, it had to be the bloody psychopathic tree.

I nodded.

“Well do you want to know how long you've been in a coma for?”

I thought about that. No, I would not want to know how long I've been in a coma for. I'd rather live the rest of my life not knowing how much I've missed out on. I patted sarcasm on the back. Figuratively. “Yes please.”

The doctor chuckled again, “It’ been twenty years, my dear!” Oh Dear Merlin and his pants!

“You have no noticeable amnesia -” Dammit, my plan on pretending to forget everything ever taught to me at Hogwarts went out the window, “-Your vital waves are fine. You're as perfect as ever!” This doctor was too enthusiastic for my liking.

I leered at him with suspicion.

“May we talk in privacy, Doctor Glurb?” Why did Dumbledore, of all people, need to ask permission? It's a free world... Or has that changed? What if we've all been enslaved by the goblins? NO, that would be my worst nightmare! Actually, being enslaved by giants would be my worst nightmare, but still! This can't be happening! We might as well all be cupcakes if that were the case!

Dumbledore cast me a side-glance, the corners of his mouth slightly raised.

“Why of course!” Doctor... Glurb beamed positively. Don't tell me the goblins gave people bizarre last names too now.

To my disappointment, the junior healer had been ushered out of the room as well. I hid my disappointed frown and instead focused on glaring at Dr. Glurb.

“No Miss Roster, we have not been enslaved by any magical creature but ourselves.” Dumbledore said with a croaky voice. He was certainly older now, his long white hair/beard reached almost past his hip!

What, is that the new style? Gross. No offense to the Professor.

“That's good to know,” I replied, smiling widely. The way things are going, I'd rather be back asleep, maybe for another good decade.

“Take a good look at yourself Miss Roster, you'll be attending Hogwarts to finish off your final years.”

Great, great. Hogwarts, yay. Yes, another decade would be nice. Wait, what?

The shocked look on my face was enough to send Dumbledore into his explanation. “You still, in fact, possess the looks of a teenager,” he said as he passed me a mirror.

I snatched it out of his hand hastily and examined myself. Oh dear Godzilla. I haven't aged a single bit! The same green eyes, same dark brown hair – although it has become longer – the same nose! Same mouth! Same face! Oh my Merlin, no wrinkles! Would this be considered a blessing? Yes! Yes, I guess it would.

I lowered the mirror so I could face Dumbledore. He merely smiled amiably.

“I'M NOT OLD!” I yelled out at him, taking his hands in mine and hi-fiving him although I was doing all the work, “I DON'T NEED BOTOX OR- OR PLASTIC SURGERY!”

“That's wonderful. You'll be expected to attend school tomorrow. Your bags have already been sent there.”

My enthusiasm and excitement faltered immediately. I frowned. No rest? I don't care if I've been resting for twenty years! No time to get used to this weird, weird world that I'm in? No, I guess that wouldn't matter.

Again, sarcasm deserved a clap.

“See you tomorrow,” Dumbledore waved, lifting himself off of my bed. I'm surprised his back didn't snap.

“Wait! Sir, how are my parents? Where's Lily?” Yes, why wasn't Lily there to congratulate me on 'waking up'? I certainly would've been there to congratulate her if she was in this bed.

He hesitated (which wasn't normal for Dumbledore) and appeared to dread such a question. “Your parents are over in Europe. They wanted to take a break from work.”

“And Lily?”

He didn't answer.


“Read the paper next to you Miss Roster. That had been sixteen years ago.”

My brows furrowed and I grimaced. He left quickly after that. Alrighty Mr. Mysterious Man.

I unfolded the aged newspaper and read the bold headline.

The Boy Who Lived.

That sounds... Unusual. There are loads of boys who live. I mean they pop out everyday! I've come to a conclusion: the world I'm in was maddening and psychotic.

Potter ... Potter as in James Potter? Oh, just what he wanted, to become famous. He wasn't even that cool!

Harry Potter? Dear Uric the Odball, he has a son? Oh, what kind of poor, misguided girl would've married him? I bet it was a girl who had tea for breakfast, lunch and... Tea. You know, like the Mad Hatter. Bloody deranged woman.

Lily... Lily Potter. Halt. Lily. Potter. Potter... Potter... POTTER?! Oh dear fudging Godzilla, what else did I miss out on?! No way! Wait, dead? No, no. Lily Evans can't be dead. James Potter dead. Well that's reasonable. But Lily, no, she can't be.

Continue on page eight. Hm, okay.

Lily. Oh look, a picture of Lily! Why, she's famous too! Why is she next to James? You-Know-Who has died as well? Why is everyone dying?! And it's titled: The Boy Who Lived. Hrmp, slightly ironic, don’t you think?

As I actually read the article, I found myself understanding. A terrible dread filled me like a heavy weight and I felt myself deflating as I continued to read. Sirius Black - the reason they're dead?! Sirius Black, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's most loyal death eater?

What the bloody hell? That could never happen! Has this world become schizophrenic or what? Peter Pettigrew, dead? Again with the death. Sirius Black obliterated him. Nice choice of word. I shouldn't say that! He's dead! She's dead! They're all dead! I should be crying.

It's just one of those things I couldn't grasp, and then some day later, I would finally realise that they are gone. Then would I cry. Actually, that was a lie. I started to cry. Lily Evans, my best friend, is dead. And I didn't get to go to her Hens night or wedding! Even if it was with Potter Toe-rag. But still, Hen’s Night!

This has been the worse day of my elongated life!

The junior healer helped me out of my bed, running to me as I began to wail in my bed, gripping tightly onto the piece of aged newspaper, the one that contained the most horrid news ever.

“Don’t worry!” he said encouragingly, “You’re all better now!”

He didn’t understand and I sobbed harder.

“I hope I don't see you for years now,” the great Doctor Glurb – the overly ecstatic freak - waved at me as I was carted out of the ward on my wheely bed, tears still streaming down my face. I attempted a mocking smile at him, failing at that, as I was beyond discomposed.


I had finally collected myself throughout the night and, though emptiness filled my stomach, I felt immensely grateful that Dumbledore took me for a side-along apparation to Hogsmeade. I wouldn't have survived a trip on the Hogwarts Express all by myself. I would've died out of loneliness and everything I did that morning would've been pointless. Actually, I probably could've conversed with myself. That would've kept me alive.

Although the twenty-year sleep had caused my heart to tire more easily, the long walk to Hogwarts castle was amazingly exhilarating. Just to see that bloody tree again and chop it down with a bloody axe kept me going. Either that or somehow retrieving a flame-thrower from somewhere and hosing it down.

Dumbledore strode besides me pleasantly, apparently enjoying the nice breeze. Well, his hair certainly was. Hair, beard, whatever. I ran along besides him, new robe billowing in the wind.

My fingers twitched with excitement and longing as Dumbledore opened the steel gates, granting me access into the school grounds again. I felt a strong hammering in my stomach that could only be my urge to watch a good game of Quidditch, chop down the Whomping Willow, taste one of the elves’ treacle tart, chop down the Whomping Willow. God, it was unbearable. Even though it only seemed like yesterday, last I entered the castle gates.

I squealed as I inched closer and closer towards the Castle’s twin doors. Dumbledore waved his wand and they opened in such magnificence that it almost caused my heart to pop. He gestured me in and the smile on my face was just way too big. Oh dear Merlin, oh dear MERLIN! I'm back! Selene Roster is back!

“I'M BACK!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. Every room in the castle must've heard that. 

Dumbledore chuckled. “It's up to you how much you would like to tell your peers, but for now I'm sure you remember where the Gryffindor Common Room is.” 

I spun around the empty Entrance Hall, looking a lot like a girl in a shopping mall with sales in every store. Actually, I looked like that girl in a secluded shopping mall. Tears brimmed at my eyes as I ran along the corridors, popping my head into every classroom. 

Professor McGonagall was still here? Merlin, she hated me! She pursed her lips as I entered her classroom – although behind that, I could see the hint of delight - waving at a whole bunch of people wearing green and yellow collars. The green ones glared at me while the yellows stared at me with surprise. The Slytherins haven't changed a single bit, that's for sure.

I ran into the Great Hall and although not a single soul – living or shining dead - was there, there was food! I grabbed a bun from the middle of the table and ran off again.

The bell rung and I jumped with a start. They hadn’t changed it! So many things remained the same it's mind-boggling. Students started to pour out of the classrooms. 

“Hi, nice to meet you!” I screamed at a bunch of Ravenclaw students. They waved uncertainly back at me. “Hi, hi, HI!”

I attracted loads of awkward glances. Merlin’s pants, I'm a freak! Should it be better if I played the shy new girl, all innocent and stuff? Oh well, too late now.

“Hi! I'm Selene Roster!” I shook another Gryffindor by the hand, a big goofy smile on my face. The Gryffindor raised an eyebrow, a small smile on his face.

Where's everyone going? Oooh! Hufflepuffs at 3 o'clock. An impish smile appeared on my face. I've always been fond of Hufflepuffs. Maybe because my past sixty boyfriends had been Hufflepuffs but who knows?

“Hey!” I edged into the small circle carefully; acting the shy, innocent girl I told myself I wouldn’t be. I could feel a whole lot of pair of eyes staring at me. “I'm Selene Roster and I'm new. Do you know where I should be going now?” One of the boys looked at me with mild surprise. I smiled shyly and batted my eyelashes.

“It's dinner now,” he smiled – Oh, I'm melting - “Do you want me to show you to the Great Hall?”

“Yeah sure,” I smiled back. But of course I already knew where the Great Hall was, I was there only ten minutes ago.

“I'll see you guys later.” I heard him say to his friends. A whole gibber of complaints ran through the circle and he chuckled. Oh how cute! “I’ll see you guys later!” he repeated.

The Hufflepuff boy took only a second to join my side.

“So, did you just get here today?” he asked me.

“Yeah, just before the bell rang,” I muttered, keeping my head down. I made sure I wasn't walking ahead of him as that could've blown the whole plan! Merlin, I wish he would walk faster. I'm not used to walking this slowly. 

“Do you know which house you're in?” One look at his face and I knew there was that hope lingering behind his eyes.

“Gryffindor,” I replied shortly, “Sorry, what was your name?”

“Oh, right. It's Wayne Hopkins,” he extended his right arm. I took it gently in mine and shook it, making sure I trailed over it lightly with my nails when I released him. I smiled to myself as he shuddered.

Now, the Great Hall was packed with students. The four tables were clustered with plates and students alike. Oh, how I miss the good old days. But hey, this is better.

“There's the Gryffindor table,” he told me, gesturing his head towards the table all the way across the room.

I gave him a small pout and he immediately jumped at the opportunity.

“You want me to walk you there?”

I bit my bottom lip and hid my smile, nodding quickly. Merlin, I have this kid around my little finger. Already. He merely grinned widely and put his hand across my back, pushing me ahead gently. 

“Well, have a nice dinner,” he grinned at me as he stopped right in front of the long table. His white teeth sparkled with the candles, "I'll see you around."

I nodded gratefully and smiled even more broadly as he walked away.

I was aware of almost everyone in the Gryffindor house staring in my direction. Being as sly as I was, I acted as though I had no idea. Clueless. Dumb. I loved acting dumb. You got away with so many things. I stopped myself smiling as I walked down the table, looking for an empty spot.

Just as I sat down, a boy said loudly, “Hey, you're the new girl, aren't you?” No, I'm just some random teenage girl who walked in by accident and decided to eat dinner here. Yes, you thick, obtuse douche.

I smiled politely at the boy, who sat a few seats down from me and nodded.

“What's your name?” he asked. I noticed the other people's heads switching back and forth, like watching a Quidditch game where the chasers are playing troll in the middle with the loser idiot on the team. 

Call me Bond. James Bond. “Selene Roster.”

He made this slight scoffing noise and nodded. If you’ve got a problem with that buddy, I'll fix your nose. Of course I didn't say that. It was much too early to be setting a reputation.

Dinner was a drag. All they did was eat, eat and eat. Like gosh, wake up! Live a little. Instead of attempting to strike up conversation with anyone, I spent that entire time looking around the hall for a slight change. But guess what, there were none!

Deciding to leave before the crowd formed at the staircases – an advantage of attending Hogwarts twenty years ago - knowing what happens – I left the Great Hall early. Leaving Wayne Hopkins and his formerly found high ego to get to the Common Room.

I walked along the silent corridors, not even running into Peeves. I wasn’t even sure if he was still here. Dumbledore probably got sick of the bloody midget.

Oooh, the Fat Lady! She's still here! She didn't like me either... Hm, I wonder if she remembers me. 

“Hello,” I mumbled at her. Her eyes narrowed as she stared at me. 

“Password?” Password? Oh crap.

“Umm... Cauliflower?” That had been the password twenty years ago.

The fat lady looked at me weirdly and made an 'hrmp' sound, raising her chin. Fine, be like that. We'll see who gets a jam tart smeared all over their picture.

“Oh, you're the new girl. It's chicken,” and the door opened. A girl with long, brown bushy hair accompanied with two boys – one red haired that stood inches higher than both, the other black haired and lovely green eyes. Boy, does he look familiar 

“What about a chicken?” I caught myself, “Oh, right, thanks,” I turned back to the girl.

“Are you coming in?” she asked me. I read the badge on her collar. Prefect. Ha, prefect. Oh, don't tell me I'm about to become the prefect's best friend. Again.

I glowered at the fat lady before entering the Common Room. She sniffed and looked away.

Just like my first year, the common room took my breath away. It hasn't changed... WHY HASN'T ANYTHING CHANGED?! The armchairs, fireplace, sofa, notice board. I'm home!

“Professor McGonagall told me you were coming. Selene isn't it? 

I nodded. There was something about that black haired boy, something gnawing away at the back of my head. Or maybe it was just an itch.

“Well I'm Hermione Granger,” she said with an assertive and bossy tone, “This is Ronald Weasley,” he waved shyly. Cute, “and this is Harry Potter.” I nodded again.


My jaw dropped slowly as he rubbed the back of his head, smiling sheepishly.

Potter?” I breathed, staring at his eyes – Lily's eyes - his face, his... scar. That was something James didn't have. Hm. A MINI JAMES LOOK-A-LIKE!

Yes, his smile was totally sheepish. A mini James with the personality of someone I don't know! Definitely not the personality of James, though. Not as arrogant, not as proud, not as much as a toe rag. Hm, I rest my case.

“The boy who lived?” the Hermione girl nodded, no doubt studying me for my odd behaviour.

The Boy Who Lived. Oh My Bloody Chicken. 


A/N: Hello everyone! I'd started this story three years ago and I found myself reading it again and not liking it for so many reasons. Despite this, I really liked the concept of it and thought, hey, maybe I'll revise this. So here I am :) 

I'm trying to keep it in the same tone as the way I wrote it previously, so a lot of it will still be in place but I'm trying to develop the characters (especially Selene) a lot better and I'm just trying to write better in general. 

Also, I'm aware that Hermione would never refer to Harry as 'The boy who lived', but it is AU and that just means there will be some minor uncanon moments, so hopefully that's all okay! 

Anyway, as usual, please tell me what you think! :) 

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