Chapter 4 : Chapter 4.
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Chapter Image By SillyBeee (tda)
Hearts Then Tears
Innocence. It is something I once had. Something I once used to know very well. Laughing on the playground with friends, not understanding why mum and dad fought so often, or the hidden language of adults. Innocence. It is so pure, yet it is so easy to break.
Innocence held simpler days.
Innocence is when you don't know about the real world, the cruel one that holds nothing but fights (with yourself, with others, with everything), when life seems great, and you have no troubles. Or when the troubles just don't even matter, because you see the light, and you are filled with a hope and a faith unlike any other.
I found out that the world is colder, not just in temperature, when I was ten. I found out that life can suck and dry you out. I found out and that's it.
When my father first hit me, I was confused. He was always so nice, so father like. Then over time I realised he wasn't himself when he did it, he never remembered. He was drunk. What an excuse, right? Intoxicated, smelling of sweat, cheese, and alcohol.
When I was ten I fought back. He then started to slowly realise what was happening, and that I wasn't getting beat up after school. When he fully understood, he asked my mum if it was true. She knew the whole time and not once said a word. Until that very moment.
He didn't stop, though. Apparently drinking was better then not hurting your daughter. Apparently, I was never enough to make him stop.
Innocence. I wonder if you can get it back... I would like that.
December Friday, 9 PM
I walked down the dark, empty corridor. Someones hand took my wrist and pulled me to them. Was this supposed to be some kind of scary movie shit? Of course it was him. His hand moved over my mouth. Prick thought I didn't know who it was.
I didn't move, there was no struggle. He pushed me away and when I turned around his arms were crossed.
I just stared at him, a blank look to let him no I wasn't satisfied.
It got awkward quickly.
"What?" I asked in a rude tone. Ha ha, I sounded completely disgusted in him, good for me.
"What?" he just stood there, looking at me, his eyes almost begging me to read his mind.
I wasn't up for his games. I turned around and walked away... and gave him a certain hand gesture.
December Monday, 9:45 AM
It was Ancient Runes and the two love birds wouldn't leave each other alone. Somehow, I was the only one noticing, but it was pretty obvious in my opinion.
She looked back at him, and flashed him a wink. Then notes started being passed. And yet I was the only one to notice? I don't know what happened to this school. Last year Pansy had spies on Draco’s dick, the whole school knew his almost every move.
Finally, class was over, and I was the first one out the door. Thank God.
I think he might of noticed.
Maybe... But who cares, I need to stop paying so much attention to him, if I don't it'll be the death of me.
December Monday, 11 AM
"Do you not like Ancient Runes or...?"
"The second one!" I said cheerfully, giving him a big smile.
I saw his eyebrows raise, I ignored this on purpose.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I am still mad at you, you know that right?"
"Now I do," he took a step forward, stepping closer to me.
"I don't understand why it is such a big deal that Hermione and I are going out. I fancy her." I looked at him. I began to mock him in my head. I mean, come on, it really isn't that big of a deal. Her best friends are my arch enemies, and we are supposed to be as well... but I mean, this is a perfect love story, get with it!
"You really fancy her?" I asked leaning in, my hand on my head. I felt so confused, and blindsided. He nodded. This was utterly ludicrous, and I couldn't help but laugh.
"I'm mad because apparently I'm your best friend and you think keeping that secret is going to make us stay like that?" he shook his head. Suddenly he isn't big for words.
"Exactly." I said in an obnoxious voice, rolling my eyes.
A few moments passed. I couldn't stop looking at the ground. Wasn't ever more appealing than right this moment.
"That's not it." he stated, I could tell he was staring at me. I didn't want to look at him right now. Or ever, if that was possible? Wow, it'd be nice for this little get together to be over already.
"Gosh, Draco, you're so smart." It took him awhile.
He took another step toward me. God, can't he stay away! I mean, I may not be able to control my hormones one day and wham! He wouldn't even know what bashed him in the face, and I would not be responsible for any of it!
"What is it?" he took my chin in his hand and lifted up my head so I had to be looking into his eyes. I hadn't realised we were standing so close to each other.
"Did you know you ask a lot of questions?" I furrowed my brow trying to show him how I didn't approve of this moment, or his hand, or our close proximity.
"Now I do. So are you going to tell me or...?" he put a piece of hair behind my ear then smiled with his lips first, then his eyes started to smile in sync. Almost persuading, but not quiet.
"There is nothing else," I started with a smile, "end of story."
"There has to be, J" he sounded frustrated. Where do you get off being frustrated?
"Fine. Maybe there is, but I choose not to tell you." I whispered quickly. This was all too much. too quick.
His eyes narrowed. It looked like he wanted to kill me... a little creepy. Didn't scare me, though. He couldn't ever scare me.
"Tell me, and I will."
I looked at him. "You truthfully don't want to know," I whispered. "I do." was his response. His stupid, stupid, stupid reply.
"There is more," I began, "Much, but, I'm not going to tell you. Not now... only because I'm not ready to. And maybe I never will. If you can't deal with that, go shove it. This is where secrets has gotten us. I'm done talking to you now.”I looked up at him, and I took a mental picture of his eyes. He looked like I stole something from him, and I was a whore who infested him. I turned around and left. Not now... I'm not ready and I'm pretty sure he isn't either...
December Monday, 5 PM
If I told him, would he leave her for me? A fucked up love triangle, and I get to be stuck right in the middle. What would that make me? I love them both, I hate them both. Would he laugh at me? Would he just look at me, picking me away with eyes, then leave and avoid me?
What would he do? How would he do it?
Would he smile, act as if nothing happened? He's been good at doing that so far.
What the fuck would Draco Malfoy do if I told him I loved him. Not that you-are-my-best-friend-love but that you-are-my-soulmate-love. And that I wanted nothing but to be with him, and to kiss him everyday, and to call him my own. Proudly.
The thoughts that went through my head. What should I do? Tell him or keep quiet. Each seemed so painful, yet they would both change me in some way. If I don't tell him I know I never will and if I do tell him... something, or everything will change. Drastically. Something I don't think I'm ready for. Definitely not ready for.
I'm starting to dislike questions.
December Tuesday, 12 PM
Hermione kept staring at me and all I could do was look away. Her eyes were like daggers and they were painful.
"Tell me" she whispered, suddenly. I was afraid of what she was going to say next.
"Tell you what?" the fucker told her. I can't trust him for shit, not anymore! who would have figured, a girl would come between us! Big shocker.
"Someone said something... about you and..." she hesitated, looking everywhere but me.
I turned and looked at her my eyebrows raised. Well, there is only one person she can be talking about.
"Who? Me and who?" I asked acting like I knew nothing. I really didn't.
"Draco," she whispered, turning away.
"And who said that? Me and Malfoy? What, Hermione? What could I possibly be with that ferret?” my eyes softened after that statement because I could see that somehow it hurt her. “Sorry. I just don't like him much.” She looked at me, and her gaze softened as mine did moments ago. She gave me a hug. She went with it. Wish it was that easy for me.
December Wednesday, 12 AM
Robots. They don't have feelings, just manuals and instructions and robot brains that can't even begin to understand a feeling. They can name it, and tell you the definition... but, they can't begin to describe personally how a punch in the stomach pulls you to the earth and makes me wail, or how your first kiss makes you feel grown and at the same time caught up in some far away dream barely believing it is true.
I could see the highlights of being a robot. I think I could get used to it rather quickly.
No emotion. Then this problem with Draco will all be long gone. All gone. Literally for the rest of my life.
Hm... no emotion. Sounds pretty much like my kind of place... minus that one part... where everything that makes me human... disappears.
Maybe I won't become a robot... no, I won't. It will probably take too long.
I can deal with it for now. I'm sure.
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