Chapter 46 : We Know It's Never Simple, Never Easy
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And we know it’s never simple,
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
You’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand
"Listen, Sirius. I can’t do this anymore; I think we need to go back to being best friends."
Wow, I totally wasn’t expecting that.
Yes, you were, you dumbarse.
Woah! Holy shit! Who are you, and what are you doing in my head?
Oh . . . So this is what it’s like being Anastasia . . .
Focus! She’s breaking up with you!
Right . . .
I looked down at Anastasia, who was shifting uncomfortably in front of me. She didn’t look happy with what she was doing.
"I’m completely okay with that."
She smiled hugely. In fact, I hadn’t seen her smile like that in quite a while.
Just about a week, I think.
"Really? Oh, thank Godric!" Anastasia threw her arms around me and nuzzled her face into my chest, which was as high as it would go. "Sirius, I really, really like you, but I don’t think I’m ready for this whole relationship thing, not with anyone."
"I had a feeling," I admitted.
"Oh, I’m so glad you’re not upset! Come on, I’ll give you a ride to class." She crouched down in front of me, waiting for me to jump on her back; the nutter wanted to give me a piggy-back ride.
I kicked her lightly on the bum to get her to start walking again. "Do you know that I have now sprouted to over two meters? Do you realize that you’re barely one and a half? Do you realize that in American dimensions, that at 6’7", I am one foot and five inches taller than you?"
"So?" Anastasia protested. "I’m strong, I can hold you!"
We stopped outside her History of Magic Classroom. I pushed her inside. "Go to class!"
She stuck her tongue out at me as she skipped into to class.
Well, that went better than I would have thought.
Honestly, what could you have expected? It’s Anastasia.
True, I suppose.
I kept up a pleasantly slow pace. I was in no real hurry to arrive to Potions on time. It was a dreadful class, anyway. I had completely lost site of the Marauders and Darren; I wondered if they had known Anastasia was going to break up with me.
Does it matter? It’s all over now.
So . . . What does that mean, really? Does it mean that things have to get awkward between us?
No, I decided, as I pushed open the door to potions and took my seat next to Peter just as Slughorn began class. No, not at all.
But maybe Anastasia thinks so? I mean, she’s always been rather weird about all her past boyfriends.
But none of them have been you, have they?
Do you really want to take that chance?
I shook my head, trying to rid it of the constant chatter. I felt so bad for Anastasia at the moment; voices were horrible.
"Sirius, pay attention." Peter whacked me on the shoulder.
"Woah, sorry, mate. I guess I’m just a little thoughtful; Anastasia and I didn’t work out." I got up and followed Pete to the ingredient stores in the back of the room.
"Yeah, we figured. We’re all still sleeping in the same dorm, though, right? No divorces?"
I laughed with Pete. "Nope, we’re all good."
How the hell is it that I ended up falling in love with the biggest mess in the world? Tell me, how?
To tease, or not to tease, that is the question.
"You alright, mate?" Anastasia tapped me and broke me from the argument I was having with myself; was it okay go on demeaning and teasing her as I always did?
"Yeah, I’m fine, I just think that some of your voices went on vacation and came to live in my head."
At this, Anna burst out laughing. Of course, she’d think it was funny when it was no longer her problem. "You know, that makes sense, there’s not too much going on in my head right now."
And then I decided that it was okay to go on as normal, at least for the moment. "You never have anything going on in that head."
Anastasia made a face at me. "Mummy says I’m brilliant."
"Of course you are," I humoured her and pat her on the shoulder.
"I am," she insisted, and leaned her head on my shoulder.
So . . . Does this mean Anastasia’s really okay with everything?
Dude, it’s just easier when you don’t think with her. You’ve been friends for so long, and the best thing for both of you to do is not try too hard.
However, I still couldn’t get to the urge to distance myself from Anastasia to go away. As much as I wanted to be near her, I couldn’t banish the thought that she didn’t want to be near me.
As we all tucked ourselves into bed later that night, everything seemed to be normal. As normal, even, as they were before Anastasia and I became ‘Mutual Casual Daters,’ perhaps even more-so.
The situation had finally, just about convinced me that everything was fine. So, I was a little hung up on the thing; sue me. I shifted in my bed, trying to get comfortable, and I found myself facing Remus’ bed. It brought me back to what he had said each time Anastasia ended whatever it was that she had with all her former boys.
"She really didn’t want anything more to do with Aaron," Remus had explained.
Well, I hardly even remembered Aaron. He obviously wasn’t important, so maybe he’s not the best comparison.
"In the end, it didn’t matter how good of a friend Stephen was to her, being around him afterwards made her uncomfortable," Remus had confided to me, when I had asked for anything he may have learned, either from his observance, or what Anastasia had told him.
She and Stephen had been really good friends; if she didn’t want to talk to him after it was all over, would she want to talk to me now that we’re all over? Does it matter that she already has talked to me?
"Being with Darren was just too much work for her."
But then, after a little while, they became friends. Maybe, that’s what I’d do; give Anastasia her space for a bit, and then slowly get things back to normal.
Oh, fuck, I don’t know what to do.
And then it hit me - Jason! Jason! Jason! Jason!
I quickly got out a quill and some parchment and scribbled out my thoughts.
Shit. Your sister fucked me over good. Not fucked in the shagging sense of the word, but in the mess with my mind sense of the word. Just thought that I’d let you know so that you didn’t come after me with some deadly weapon or something.
Dude, I’ve been crazy for her since the summer. And she liked me. Me! I never thought she would, considering she’d snogged just about everyone but me. Then, she says she does! And in a month, her psychotic brain ends up messing with both of us.
I love her, as my best mate and as someone that I actually love. I’ m trying to give her some breathing room; I figure she doesn’t really want to be around me too much now. That’s how it was with Aaron and Stephen and Darren. I can’t stand being apart from her, it’s like she’s what keeps me sane. It’s like she’s the heart that makes the brain work. (For the obvious reasons, I’m the brain and not her; she talks about her voices all the time, and I know I wouldn’t want voices. So I’m the brain . . . Except that now, I have voices too . . .)
I’m so angry; I think I pushed her into breaking-up with me. We were ‘casually dating’ for almost a month, and she saw how hard that was for me. So we actually became ‘boyfriend and girlfriend.’ And a week later, we were done.
She still likes me somewhere deep down, Jason, I know it. I still want to be here for her when she realizes it, because I know she will. You might be wondering why I chose to write you instead of anyone else. Well, dude, I feel like you’re kind of the big brother to all of us, the big brother none of us (besides Anastasia) have. This isn’t the kind of thing you ask for advice on from your friend, regardless of how awesome they are at giving advice. (Ie: Remus.)
I’m not really sure what I’m asking from you; maybe just some reassurance that I’m not completely deranged, and that some things are worth waiting for. Anyway, I hope you’re well.
A/N: Wow, why is it that whenever I write Sirius it seems that Taylor Swift’s lyrics fit him. Man, he’s such a girl. :D
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