Chapter 5 : Holey Socks
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“James, hurry the fuck up!”
“I’m getting dressed, I can’t do it any quicker!”
I awoke from a deep, warm sleep to the sounds of raised voices. Male voices. Surely that wasn’t right? What were they doing in my room?
I must be dreaming
“You’ve pissed around for the last quarter of an hour and I’m starving.”
Wasn’t that Remus Lupin’s voice? What was he doing in my dream?
“For fuck’s sake, chill, Moony! You go ahead, I’ll wake Padfoot up and meet you there.”
My eyes flew open as the dormitory door slammed, barely taking in the crimson hangings before meeting grey eyes that mirrored my terror.
Footsteps padded towards the bed and without a second thought I rolled off the bed in the opposite direction to the footsteps with a barely concealed grunt as I hit the floor, and rolled swiftly under the bed. Thankfully I managed this all within the hangings which were still drawn around the four poster bed.
I saw a pair of feet in holey socks less than a foot away from my face and heard the hangings being wrenched back.
I’ll admit that I was a little concerned by the inexplicable screaming.
“You… you’re naked!”
Oh, that would explain it.
By rolling off the bed I had taken the sheet with me. Leaving Sirius a little exposed.
“Fucking cover yourself up!” James sounded disgusted and faintly sick.
The sheet was whipped off of me in one swift movement to hide Sirius’ modesty, leaving me lying naked under the bed.
I should explain myself.
But I can’t.
Alright, it happened again.
But I didn’t mean to, I swear. After Sirius’ bitter words at midnight I’d stalked off down the lane in the direction of the castle, furious and baffled and really not in the mood for more of his mind games. I was freezing cold, wet and sticky thanks to that blundering twit with the drinks. I was light-headed and agitated, and although I wanted nothing more than to fall into a dreamless sleep, I was too wound up for that to be possible.
When I got to the top of the marble staircase where I would usually make the turning towards the Ravenclaw tower, I carried on straight, heading to Lily’s dorm. The trek there to pick up my stuff would tire me out a little, maybe.
The castle was completely devoid of any signs of life. Of course, most of the school were still at home for the rest of the Christmas holidays and those that were back were at the party. The only sounds were my muffled steps in my soft shoes and my shaking breaths as my body convulsed in violent shivers.
I was deliberately singing a song under my breath as I gathered up my things from Lily’s bed, to block out Sirius’ parting words.
It wasn’t working. The lyrics may have been on my lips, but the only words on my mind were “…there was someone I liked. Someone I really liked, but I wasn’t going to say anything more… because I didn’t know how she felt. Yet…”.
Was that the truth?
It couldn’t be.
This was Sirius. My Sirius. Well, not my Sirius in that way, but my friend Sirius. The tosser. He didn’t even think things like that, let alone say them and mean them.
When he ‘really liked’ someone it generally meant he chased them for a couple of weeks if they were playing particularly hard-to-get, made them fall head-over-heels for him then ditch them a month or so later when he got restless. That was commitment to him. And compared to his usual shag-in-the-broom-closet approach it was practically bloody marriage.
So even if he did mean it, I wasn’t going to put myself through that. Alright, before Christmas I was firmly of the belief that I would never sleep with him… but I mean it this time. Look at the trauma a mere shag has put me through, imagine if it were one of his ‘relationships’?
Had he no consideration?
Did he not value our friendship in the slightest?
I was halfway back across the common room before I noticed him.
He was hunched in an armchair, elbows on knees and head resting on his hands, just staring into the fire.
I jumped out of my skin and dropped most of the stuff I’d been clutching, then stumbled over it.
He turned his head slowly as I scrambled for my slippers, makeup and various items of clothing, as if still in a dream. The contrast between my blushing and lumbering about and his casual elegance and composure was almost funny.
“Let me get this straight,” He started, talking in a slow precise way that made me wonder if this was really happening, “Me and you. You want to forget it.”
I froze halfway through the action of scooping my belongings into a jumbled pile.
It wasn’t only my body that froze, it was my brain too. Stupid bloody evolutionary instincts. Being motionless wasn’t going to help me right now.
“Erm, yes?” My voice was unsteady as I fought my way to rational thought. I sat back on my heels and darted a look in his direction.
“You’re sure?” He was looking back at the fire.
Stop asking me.
“You’re either sure or you’re not, Dee.” He looked up, his tone light and even a little amused.
“I’m sure.” I said softly, meeting his gaze square on. I didn’t know how to explain, or even if he needed me to. I didn’t even know if he cared.
Then he straightened up and stepped in towards me in one startling motion.
“So you think we can just go back to normal? Just ignore it and it will go away?”
“Yes.” I said, shortly, having to crane my head up now that he was right in front of me. I couldn’t quite remember why I was crouched on the floor but I was pretty sure I looked sodding ridiculous….
He took another step in and slipped his hand into mine to pull me up.
“So we can just carry on as normal…”
“Yes.” I sounded more defensive than anything else now.
My eyes were at the level of his neck. He hadn’t let go of my hand so we were close enough that I could smell his intoxicating scent again. This time mixed with a more sour aroma of alcohol and aftershave. I was holding my neck stiffly to stop myself burying my face into his neck.
He lifted his free hand to my face, absently tracing my cheekbones without actually touching me. The millimetres of space between his fingertips and my skin were suffocating.
“So we’ll be together all the time as usual, we’ll have to look at each other, touch each other… and it will be just the same as before.” He let his hand fall to lightly trace my collar bone.
“Yes…” I whispered.
“You’ll feel nothing.”
“Nothing…” I’d barely begun to form the words when we were kissing again.
I couldn’t say if I kissed him or he kissed me. All I knew was that this kiss wasn’t so tender as the previous one. This kiss was more like the first kiss. It was hard, urgent and uncontrolled. It was heading somewhere.
I don’t know how long we were in the common room for. My things lay forgotten in a small heap and the fire cackled and flickered behind us, but we were blind and deaf to it. Lost.
I pulled back to breathe, just an inch for one ragged breath but enough time to become aware that we were in a large open room, which may at any minute become full of party people making their way home.
Sirius pulled me back in with the one hand, pressing the small of my back into him, seeking my lips again with his. Now I was thinking. Not thinking straight, I mean do I ever? But enough that I knew I was going to regret this.
I should have stopped then.
I should have stopped and told him that I didn’t want to get hurt. But instead I arched my back, pushing even closer into him and gently pulled at his lips with my teeth. Maybe that was low of me. Because I knew what it would do to him, and I knew that in that one move we would indeed be heading somewhere.
Here, in fact.
He being uncomfortably exposed in front of his traumatised best friend, and me lying naked under the bed.
I should have stopped.
“Where did you disappear to last night then?” James was asking.
“What d’you mean?” Sirius asked, sounding overly defensive and ridiculously shifty. I wouldn’t have thought it possible but Sirius was actually worse under pressure than me.
“I was looking for you at the countdown -“
Why, for a New Years Kiss? I wanted to butt in, but thankfully remembered my unfavourable position under the bed. In a dorm that I had no reasonable excuse to be in. Naked.
Not the time for sarcasm.
“Weren’t you trailing after Evans, as usual?” Sirius said, and even from under the bed I could practically hear the smirk in his voice.
“I wasn’t trailing after her…”
“I’m not going to believe she actually kissed you, mate.”
James’ laugh sounded forced. I really couldn’t blame the poor boy after his thousandth rejection. “It will happen, you’ll see!” Bless, he even managed to sound confident. My wonder at James Potters perseverance will never cease. “So, where were you?”
“Oh, I was just…” I winced at the uncomfortable tone of Sirius’ voice. Should I burst out from under the bed to give him a valid excuse?
Erm, no. For a million reasons, the most important of which being the fact that I don’t wish James Potter to be the second boy in Hogwarts to see me unclothed. I mean, bloody hell, look at his reaction to another boy being naked! I didn’t want to give him a heart attack.
“With mystery girl?” James’ tone was more teasing and suggestive now.
Mystery Girl? Who the sodding hell is Mystery Girl?
It’s one thing for me to be played the fool if I was the only fool, but I wasn’t going to be one of a bunch of fools that jumped when he snapped his fingers!
Like you could say no…
“Uh, maybe.” He was smirking again, I could tell. Well he wouldn’t be bloody smirking when I got hold of him… Mystery girl indeed…
He’s talking about you, you twit. Oh. Oh.
“Uh-huh…” I could practically hear James’ grin stretching from ear to ear. “And did it go well?”
“I… think so. Maybe. I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“Like I told you already, it’s complicated…”
I did feel a little sorry for him. I mean, I could imagine how uncomfortable he must feel discussing our… whatever you want to call it…. Let alone with me in earshot.
But to be honest, I’d feel a lot more sympathetic if they’d quit having their little mothers’ meeting while I was in this position.
“Bloody hell. And you’re still not going to tell me who she is?”
“Oh c’mon, I told you about Evans…”
“Prongs, I knew about Evans before you did, you’re not subtle.”
“Nope. Now piss off and let me get dressed.”
“As long as you promise never to sleep naked again. It mentally scars me to think I slept in the same room as you.”
There was a huffy muttering as James pulled on some trainers and left the room.
Even though I could see his feet disappear through the door I didn’t move. I was desperate to get out of my stuffy hiding place, but now that it was daylight I felt a whole lot different about Sirius seeing me naked.
“You can come out now, you know.” His voice sounded amused.
“Can I have the sheet?”
There was a pause.
“Why? Why do you think you bloody prat -“
“Don’t you think it’s a little late to be thinking about your modesty, Dee?”
“Give me the sheet, git-face.”
“I love it when you sweet talk…”
I saw the corner of the sheet dangling by my ear and tugged on it hard. He must have let go of it because, let’s be honest, my chances of winning a tug-of-war with him were rather slim.
I carefully wrapped myself up and slid my upper half out from underneath the bed.
Sirius had snatched up the red and gold duvet from where it lay discarded on the floor and enfolded himself in it from head to toe, clearly mocking me.
“Can’t have you seeing an inch of my skin,” he grinned, but the easy-going smile faltered as he took in my face. A face that showed that the repercussions of the stupid, stupid thing we’d done again, were sinking in.
I didn’t even need to say anything.
“You’re freaking out again aren’t you?”
I shook my head, biting the inside of my lip to stop myself yelling at him for letting it happen again. Or yelling at myself for that matter.
“What’s wrong?” His voice was gentle, as if he were talking to a kid.
“Everything,” I blurted out.
“Everything.” He repeated, calmly, “Why’s that?”
“We shouldn’t have done that! We shouldn’t have done it the first time and we definitely shouldn’t have done it then…”
Typical selfish boy. Just because he got what he wanted, that makes it all ok.
“Because! Because of Lily and James, for one thing. How do you think this will affect them? It will ruin everything.” I stopped short of reminding him of the toilet water and faeces scenario. Let’s face it, he probably wouldn’t appreciate the metaphor.
“Maybe I don’t give a shit about Lily and James…”
I glared at him.
“Alright, I’m sorry, I care deeply about their non-relationship. Do continue with this flattering list of why you don’t want to be with me.”
The sarcasm wasn’t our usual light, joking banter. His jaw was set and his eyes narrowed. The way he was wrapped up like a baby in the bed covers lessened the intimidating factor though.
“Lily and James are just one problem. What about all our other friends? What about Freddie… Oh my God.” It hit me like a bludger to the stomach. My fiercely overprotective brother. Why hadn’t I thought of this rather large issue before? “Tell me you didn’t tell Freddie?”
“No, actually I’m not suicidal.”
I giggled weakly, even though we both knew the underlying accuracy of his deduction. Freddie would not react well to this. “I thought you had a ‘man-to-man talk’,” I hid a teasing grin.
“Alright, it was more of a ‘begging-him-to-trust-me talk’,” Sirius admitted, with a sheepish grin of his own, “I never claimed to be a miracle worker.”
The moment of easy teasing passed and the panicked feeling that was becoming so familiar to me returned. I felt cornered, still half under the bed with that beautiful but anxious face looming above me. I wriggled completely out of the bed but huddled up in the sheet cross-legged on the floor.
“So he was right,” I said, simply.
“Who was right?” Sirius adjusted his position on the bed so that he was mirroring me. The covers dropped from his shoulders, revealing more of his distinct chest muscles than I was comfortable with, considering the situation.
“Freddie. Warning me about you for the last two years.” I dragged my eyes back up to his face.
It set again in the stony expression. “Is that what this is about? You think I just wanted sleep with you and then piss off?”
I didn’t say anything. The hurt tone in his voice made me want to deny it, but the part of me that wanted to get it through his thick skull that this was a bad idea... that part wanted to agree. Then there were the implications of what he was saying. Implying that he wanted… what? A relationship? A real relationship or a Sirius relationship?
“That’s what you’ve thought this whole time?” He was still talking.
He looked offended and frustrated. “I suppose I can’t blame you. I know you’ve always thought I was a bit of a tart or whatever -”
‘Massive whore’ was more what I was going for, but I guess ‘bit of a tart’ works too.
“- But I thought you understood,” The corner of his mouth twitched in a half-smile, “Anyone else would’ve.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I demanded. It sounded like an insult.
“It means that you’re the least perceptive person in the world. Dee, I practically had to owl you to let you know I was going to kiss you.”
A memory of what I had thought at the time was a crappy line fluttered through my mind.
“I was just thinking.”
“Thinking what would happen if I kissed Dee.”
“That doesn’t count, it was totally out of the blue!” I blustered.
“It was not.”
“It so was.”
“Try this. What would you say if I told you that there was this guy who hung around with you at every available opportunity. If he often irrationally hexed other guys just for looking at you. If he brings you lunch when you’re sitting outside because he knows how much you love the sun. If he’s always trying to flirt even though you’ve made it clear that nothing’s going to happen, he can’t help it. If it’s so obvious to everyone else that they assume you’re a couple. If it’s even obvious to your brother so he hates the guy and doesn’t trust him to even stay with you over Christmas. If he spends all day preparing a picnic of your shitty favourite food for Christmas Eve because he knows how important it is to you…”
He paused after this seemingly endless list, an amused half-smile at my look of disbelief.
“I could go on, you know.” The smile was cheeky and smug.
He’d said enough. It was true, if someone had told me all those things I wouldn’t have hesitated to say that the guy was clearly after them. But things were different with us.
He hung around with me because his best friend stalked mine.
He hexed random guys because… because he was Sirius. He and James did it for fun.
He brought me lunch because I asked nicely… and one time when that didn’t work I threatened him with bodily harm. After that he did it without me asking, surely just to avoid the threats.
He flirted because it came naturally, it was his usual way of communication.
People assume we’re a couple because… well I don’t really know. Because I’m a girl and he’s a guy. Because he’s Sirius Black.
“I can tell that you’re trying to find excuses for everything -” How the bloody hell does he do this? “- but this one time you’re actually wrong. I’m telling the truth. And you’re the least observant person ever.”
Was that what I was doing? Making excuses for everything? Because I didn’t want to believe that my best friend wanted more than just friendship?
“What do you want then?” I asked, realising as I did so that this was the first time I’d actually asked him, taking his feelings into account.
“Just… just you.” His answer was frank and I didn’t doubt, after considering everything that he was sincere. But Sirius changed his mind more often than he changed his clothes.
“For how long?” I tried to put it into words, “You want one of your little relationships with me, but how long is that going to last? What’s the longest you’ve ever lasted before?”
I was managing to meet his eyes without difficulty, knowing that if I weakened for a moment I wouldn’t be able to say this.
“I can’t do that, Sirius, I’m not like you. Your feelings are all over the place, you’ll fancy one girl one week and someone completely different the next. You’ll want a relationship, then you’ll want freedom.”
“Not this time.” His eyes were pleading. Willing me to believe him. I wish I could have but I knew him.
“That’s what you think right now. But who knows what you’ll be thinking a week, two weeks, a month from now. I can’t get hurt like that. I can’t lose people. And if we finished then I’d lose you, it couldn’t go back to how it was before. If we stop now then maybe we… maybe we can.”
“Where the sodding hell did you disappear to?” Lily brandished a fork full of scrambled eggs in my direction. She’d beckoned me over to where she was sat with two girls from her dorm. If I would have known that this was going to be my greeting I really wouldn’t have bothered.
I felt drained. I was exhausted from the combination of my lack of sleep, stress both before and after the party and from this morning, and from constantly having to think of light, superficial things that would stop me regretting my words from this morning and throwing myself at a certain gorgeous man-whore sitting three seats down.
And, thanks to everything that had happened, I hadn’t thought of an excuse for Lily.
“Oh, yeah I…”
“Well, alright I know what happened.”
What the bloody fuck?!
“You… you do?”
“Yeah. I saw it, Dee.”
Oh hell. I am a dead woman walking.
I threw a desperate glance to Sirius just a few heads away, looking a little sulky but engrossed enough in the conversation between his friends to notice my anguish. If I didn’t know better I’d say he was deliberately not looking at me. Leaving me to fend for myself in the wrath of Lily Evans.
“Lil, I -”
“It’s fine really. I would have gone home if someone would have spilt a drink on me, too, but you could have at least come and told me.”
It took a few seconds for this to sink in. Eventually the adrenaline that had pounded through my veins withdrew and my heart rate returned to normal.
Spilt drinks. An image of an embarrassed guy apologising over and over sprung to mind.
She was talking about the prat with the drinks. Not me and Sirius. She doesn’t know anything. She never will, seeing as we’ve come to an agreement.
“Oh right,” I smiled in relief, “Yeah, I’m sorry, I should have come and said bye, I was just so annoyed, I mean first Marlene threw up practically on my feet and then…”
“Oh I know, awful wasn’t she? Of course I’m not feeling too fresh myself this morning -“ Lily grimaced, gesturing to her perfectly unblemished face as if it bore signs of alcohol poisoning, “But Marles is mortified. Really, I wouldn’t mention anything to her.”
I looked around, trying to spot her but she and Freddie weren’t there.
“They’ve already left,” Lily told me, before changing the subject at a mind-boggling pace, as was her custom, “But anyway, you need to apologise to Ray.”
“Raymond Quinn. The guy you screamed at last night!” She gestured over my shoulder to the Hufflepuff table at a group of guys about our age. A fair-haired guy was gesturing wildly as he told a story to his friends, an easy grin on his face. He didn’t look remotely sorry about the drinks incident.
“He threw drinks all over me!”
“It was an accident, Deb! And he felt really bad about it after, came up to me after to tell me to say sorry again for him.”
At that moment, Lily’s dorm mates left, leaving nothing but a gap between Sirius and us. I couldn’t help but notice his profile out of the corner of my eye, and as all coherent thought left my mind I struggled to remember what Lily had even said.
Right, drinks. Hufflepuff guy. Sorry.
“He’ll get over it,” I shrugged.
“Well he seemed very eager to let you know how sorry he was -”
“Lily Evans, did you just wink at me?”
“- I think he likes you.”
Sirius knocked the rack of toast he was reaching for to the floor, but Lily only paused to frown at him reprimandingly before ploughing on.
“He’s a really nice guy, Prefect and everything. And he’s got the most gorgeous eyes -”
James whipped his head around immediately, mid-conversation and eyed the group of Hufflepuff guys guardedly.
“- And he seemed pretty certain that he was going to come and find you to say sorry. Why else would he make the effort?”
Everything was so simple in Lily-land.
“Hate to break it to you, Lil, but some guys actually have these things called manners – they actually apologise for things with no ulterior motive and no prompting. I know it’s hard to imagine after spending time with these morons.“ I gestured to where James and Sirius were sitting with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.
Sirius caught my eye and I tried to channel all my expression into saying “Go along with it, fool! Pretend everything’s ok like we said we would!”.
“I resent that.” Remus smiled briefly at James’ outraged face.
“I do too have bloody manners! I held the door open for you and Evans every Potions class last term. But did you even notice? No. Who's being rude there?” James ranted, “And I have nice eyes.”
I smirked, catching Sirius’ eye again, willing him to come back with the retort that one of us would always use when James went off on one about all his good qualities. Luckily he understood and forced a grin.
“Yeah? Who told you that, your mum?”
To anyone else the mocking tone would have sounded genuine. I was probably the only one to hear the slightly dead quality to it, because I recognised it from my own fake-normal voice.
It was harder than I thought it would be to act normal. Especially after the awkward way we’d left things this morning, half in agreement but really not leaving it any clearer as to what we were really thinking.
After all, I’d only told him half of the truth when I’d said that I wanted to just forget about it. I wanted to leave it because that was the easy option, I didn’t want to go through the stress of wondering whether he was still interested in me, when he was going to get bored or regret it. I couldn’t do that. But at the same time I couldn’t imagine not spending the night with him again, not cuddling up to his bare chest or feeling his hot breath as we kissed.
But I was going to have to forget it. I’d made my decision and I’d have to stick to it. It was just what I would have had to do anyway, even if we had decided to give it a go. Eventually Sirius would have gotten bored, and we would have had to try and move on anyway. I was just skipping out the stressful middle part.
James was still blathering on about why he had much nicer eyes than Raymond Quinn.
“- it’s just that its harder to tell when I’ve got my glasses on.” He concluded, satisfied with his long-winded argument.
“James, you’re not wearing your glasses.” I felt obliged to point out.
“I think you’ve got beautiful eyes, mate,” Sirius grinned, his voice sounding more natural once he got going, “Much better than bloody Quinn.”
“Thanks, mate. See, Evans.”
Lily ignored him and carried on where she’d left off with me.
“So yeah, you’re going to accept Ray’s apology and then apologise yourself for your unreasonable reaction, OK?”
“Oh, and you’re going to do it now, because he’s coming over.”
Sirius and James both assumed surly expressions as Lily greeted the infamous Hufflepuff prefect with the gorgeous eyes. Whom I had never heard of before now.
“Hi, erm, Debbie,”
I glared at Lily’s eager expression before rearranging my face to look normal. As normal as possible. Didn’t want him to think that I permanently looked like crazed dragon-woman. That was only when I was mad.
Lily was positively beaming as her little match-makers project unfolded.
Ray looked a little taken-aback that I knew his name, as we’d never spoken before. Actually how did he know my name? I’d never seen him in any of my classes and I really wasn’t particularly well-known in the school. Unlike Lily who saw it as her duty as Prefect and prospective Head Girl to know every student in the school by name.
“I just wanted to say sorry again about last night, it was totally my fault. I just didn’t see you coming -” Oh, yeah, I had actually stormed into him. “I hope it didn’t ruin your night?” He looked genuinely hopeful, ruffling his fair hair absently.
Lily’s eyes were wide as she non-verbally ordered me to be nice. Sometimes I feel like a puppet.
“Oh, no it’s fine. I’m sorry for… er… yelling at you. I was just in a bad mood…”
I tried not to look at Sirius, and my eyes instead fell on James who was puffing out his chest and glowering at Ray. For crying out loud, couldn’t he see that Lily was trying to set me up with him rather than herself? And that he looked like a prat with constipation when he pulled that face?
Ray however, seemed oblivious to this, acting as if the two hostile boys, a fair bit bigger built than he, weren’t even there.
“Great, no problem,” his smile was crooked but lit up his whole face, “I’ll make it up to you.
“You don’t have to do that…”
“No, I will!”
“Hey, it’s fine. Really.”
Behind Ray, a group of his friends were rolling their eyes and clearing their throats impatiently.
“Yeah, yeah. I will.” He made a hand gesture over his shoulder which just made the Hufflepuff boys laugh harder. “Sorry about them. Looks like I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later!”
“Bye, Ray!” Lily sang, smiling smugly at me as he left. “Told you he was nice.”
“Yes, yes, very nice,” I humoured her, “Why don’t you date him then.”
James spat out a mouthful of pumpkin juice at that.
“Did I say you had to date him? All I said was that he was nice. Why, were you thinking of that?” Lily could pull off the innocent look perfectly.
“Yup, could barely keep my hands off him,” I said, blithely.
I was still looking directly at Lily, determined not to sneak a look at Sirius. I couldn’t help but be aware of how his arms seemed rather tensed.
“Really?” Lily asked.
You’d think they’d be used to my stupid sarcasm by now, it comes as naturally as breathing to me in awkward situations.
“No, you plank.”
“Oh.” Lily frowned for a moment, then took off on one of her lightening-quick subject changes again. “So, have you heard? This one -” she nodded at Sirius, “- has got himself another lady.”
My face was kept perfectly blank as Sirius elbowed James heftily in the ribs.
“You told Evans?”
“Ow! I didn’t realise it was classified information!”
Lily was still looking at me with raised eyebrows.
“Oh, erm, really?” I asked, casually.
“Uh-huh. But she’s not just any girl. She’s a mystery girl. He won’t tell anyone who she is. Right, Black?”
“It’s not a big deal,” Sirius assumed his calm, indifferent look. The one he used when anyone said anything about his family. The one he used in the face of Slytherin taunts. The one where you could see just a hint of colour to his cheeks, showing that he was as nonchalant as he seemed.
“Not a big deal.” Lily scoffed. “It’s a huge deal! Normally we’d have been told details that make us want to throw up, but now nothing! This is different to before and I, no -” She linked my arm across the table, “- no, we want to know why!”
“Well, you’re going to be disappointed.” Sirius said, carefully meeting Lily’s eyes but not mine. “Because I’m not saying anything.”
“That special, huh?” Lily’s casual teasing made my stomach churn uncomfortably. She grinned at me, but I could only come back with a watery smile.
Sirius’ eyebrows flickered up once in response, before stabbing the food on his plate with his fork and muttering, “Just respecting her wishes.”
Lily and James babbled on, considering reasons why he was acting so secretive, but their voices and the background chatter in the hall seemed to die down in my ears as a dull ringing grew louder in my ears.
I stole a look at Sirius. Just one more look, I told myself, then I could get on with moving on.
My eyes took in everything. From his impossibly glossy hair, lightened at the ends from hours of Quidditch outdoors even in the winter, down his straight nose, prominent cheekbones and set jaw. His long eyelashes covered his eyes as he stared moodily at his plate. His bottom lip slightly jutted out.
It hurt to look at.
I’d always known he was too beautiful for his own good, using his good looks to get away with more than he should without appreciating it. But it hadn’t affected me. Now I knew how they felt. From the shrewd teachers he’d managed to charm out of a punishment to the scores of girls he’d managed to fool into thinking they were special.
But it didn’t make me resent him.
I felt sorry for him.
It wasn’t something he did on purpose, he couldn’t help that people fell for his looks, and now he’d gotten stuck in the habit of relying on them.
Sooner or later he was bound to attract someone he shouldn’t, and he wasn’t prepared for it. Just like he wasn’t prepared for this. This situation we’d gotten ourselves into wasn’t something that could be fixed with a dazzling smile.
It was going to be harder than I thought.
A.N. Hi! I don't like this chapter :( its sad but necessary! I'd just like to thank those who have reviewed, its really encouraging to hear what people think! But even though I'm getting a lot of reads I'm not getting a lot of feedback so I don't really know if people are liking it much or if it's not worth it? It's different for me, I can't help this rubbish spewing out of my head, Dee and Sirius seem to pop up in my head all the time!
Thanks again for reading ;)
Preview of Chapter 6 - I See You Staring...
“Ok, now spill.” I hissed, leaning back against the bare wall. A gloomy, slightly green light played across his face from the crack in the door, but all I could make out other than that was his hunched shoulders.
“I really can’t. I want to tell you Dee. I want you to yell at me and tell me it’s all my own fault and hate me. But I really can’t tell you.”
“What could be so bad?”
He didn’t answer, just let out a strangled groan and covered what I could see of his face with his hands...
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