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Chapter 29 : Gone Baby Gone
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**YAY for me!!! I finally got out this chapter after many long awaited months. I want to thank you all for being so patient with me. I have no good excuse to give you except that I wanted this to be really good for my readers. I wrote a couple drafts for this chapter and I wasn't content with any of them, so I finally reached this and I hope you all like it. And just a reminder, this is the last chapter of this installment. But there is still one more installment in this series. I know for a fact that the third installment won't be up until the new year. I'm guessing sometime in February. My semester ends on the 22nd and I have two research papers and an analysis paper to write. So February is a good estimate. And remember to leave many reviews. I would like to get some of my reviews back, since somebody decided to steal some of them. Happy reading!!!
“What did I do?” Shay asked herself for the hundredth time that day.
She knew that she had done wrong the previous night but was too drunk to understand the full impact. When she woke up, she remembered everything and knew how big of a mess she created.
“What did I do?”
Shay walked into the bathroom and saw herself sober for the first time in weeks. Sirius had been right; she did look like hell. If it wasn’t the big, dark bags under her eyes then it was her pallid complexion or bloated-from-alcohol figure.
As Shay looked at herself, she was reminded of what she said to Sirius. Shay knew that what she said to him was wrong. Shay knew that it was hard for Sirius to talk about Cillian. It was hard for her to talk about Cillian. But she wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt her. Even though she got what she wanted, she felt terrible.
“What did I do?”
But the thing that haunted her most was the look on Remus’s face when she told him about Niki’s pregnancy. She was disgusted with herself. She knew that the information would hurt Remus. She knew that it would crush him. But she used that information for her own benefit. A benefit that she didn’t understand anymore. She knew that there was a great chance that Remus would never speak to her again. And all Remus did to her was gave her a home, friendship, and love. He told her that he loved her and she told him that his dead girlfriend hid her pregnancy from him.
“What did I do?”
She had a lot of damage control to do.
“He wouldn’t let me in,” Shay heard a voice say while she was walking to the kitchen.
She stopped at the corner and waited to hear more.
“He won’t answer my letters either,” she heard James’s voice.
The other voice belonged to Sirius.
“Well, I’m sure I’m not the person he wants to see anyways. We haven’t really talked too much in the past couple months,” Sirius said.
“I wonder why,” James said sarcastically.
“This situation isn’t my fault James. I’m not the one who got smashed and blurted the world’s secrets out to everyone.”
“No you didn’t. But you sure did help her get to this point.”
“Why am I getting blamed for this?” Sirius asked defensively.
“I’m not blaming you for anything. Why are you getting so defensive?” James asked.
“Sorry, but I have the right to be angry. She tried to ruin my relationship last night. And how does she get off sleeping with one of my best friends. And he slept with my ex-girlfriend.”
“And you cheated on her and what Shay and Remus do on their own time is their business. You have no say in either one of their lives,” James said and Shay approved his comment.
“Fine, but she still had no right to tell Mel about Cillian. I wasn’t ready to share that yet,” Sirius said in a quieter tone.
“I know mate. And Shay knows that. I know that she regrets everything that happened last night. She obviously wasn’t thinking straight. How many times have you done that?” James asked.
Sirius didn’t answer but Shay imagined that he was feeling a little embarrassed.
“You should talk to her. You two still have a lot of things to figure out,” James said.
“I’m not ready to talk to her James. What would I say? ‘Hey, I still love you but I can’t look at you without thinking of our dead son.”
Shay’s eyes welled up when she heard Sirius. Sometimes, she felt the same way.
“Well, that’s a start. Tell her the truth. It’s better than her thinking that she wasn’t good enough,” James said.
“You say it as if it’s easy,” Sirius said and Shay could feel his frustration.
“It should be. You two were practically inseparable for the past twenty years.”
“Things happen and people change,” Sirius said with certain finality.
“Lily is going to Remus’s house later on. She thinks that she can get Remus to talk. If your not busy later then why don’t you come over and help me put the baby’s crib together,” James said and Shay heard the both of them walk towards her.
She scattered quickly and made it into the kitchen without being seen.
“Yea, that’s fine. I’ll be here around five. I have to try to talk to Amélie. She refuses to see me too,” Sirius said as he and James entered the kitchen.
Shay tried to hide herself in the fridge, hoping to go unnoticed.
“Good morning,” James said and she heard the two of them stop.
“Good morning,” Shay said more to the refrigerator then to James.
“What are you looking for?”
“Cereal,” was the first thing that came to her mind.
“Well, I don’t know about you but we don’t freeze our cereal. It’s in the cupboard next to the oven,” James said and Shay could hear the amusement in his voice.
Shay finally closed the fridge and turned to James and Sirius. She was surprised to see that Sirius wasn’t giving her a death glare, but actually seemed as amused as James.
“Do you guys want anything?” Shay asked nervously.
She knew she wasn’t the most popular person in the room.
“I’ll take a bowl of cereal,” James said and then looked at Sirius.
“Uh, no thanks. I have to go,” Sirius said quickly, anxious to leave the room.
“Ok, that’s fine. Um, Sirius…can we talk later?” Shay asked and stood nervously waiting for an answer.
Sirius stood there for a few seconds before answering.
“Yea, I’ll talk to you later.”
Sirius left James and Shay in the kitchen. She went straight for the cereal. When she got the milk out, she caught James giving her a weird look.
“Eavesdropper,” he said with a smile.
Lily apparated to Remus’s front porch. She didn’t much like apparating while she was pregnant but she thought it would be rude to floo into his house. She knocked heavily on his door and prayed that Remus would answer. Remus wouldn’t answer to James or Sirius but maybe, just maybe he would open up to her. They always had a special connection. While everyone would try to cheer Remus up before a full moon by making jokes or giving him chocolate, Lily would just sit and talk to him. They talked for hours about anything and everything. They understood each other on a different level.
“Remus?” Lily called through the thick oak door.
She paused to hear sounds from the other side of the door. She didn’t hear anything so she moved to the window. She could see the fire burning through the open slits of the blinds. Her eyes went on and she found Remus’s favorite chair and on the arm was Remus’s hand. Lily immediately began to bang on the window. He didn’t even move.
“Remus! Please open the door!” Lily yelled and she saw his hand move a little.
She was running out of options, so she used the only one she had left.
“Remus, open the door! I have to use the bathroom!” Lily shouted at the window.
“You can’t just let a pregnant woman stand outside your house while she has to pee!”
Lily was quiet for a few seconds and was about to speak again when Remus got up from his chair. He opened the blinds with force and gave Lily a fierce look.
“I really need to go!” Lily shouted and ignored his mood.
Remus let go of the blinds and walked over to the door. He opened it and waited for Lily to waddle back over.
“Why don’t you just go back home?” Remus asked.
“Why would I go back home when there’s a bathroom down the hall?” Lily asked back.
Remus rolled his eyes and moved aside so Lily could enter.
“Just to let you know I don’t really feel like having company right now,” Remus said as Lily passed by him.
“Oh, I won’t stay long and I figured since I’m here I’ll take Shay’s stuff back to my house,” Lily said and sat down on his couch.
“I thought you had to go to the bathroom,” Remus said went back to his chair.
“I lied. How are doing?” Lily asked with concern.
“How do you think I’m doing?” Remus asked with annoyance.
“Nobody else knew Remus. And I’m not going to defend what Shay did last night. It was extremely wrong and everyone who was there knows that, including Shay. But can you imagine the burden that secret had on her?” Lily asked him.
“Lily, I honestly don’t care.”
“I know you don’t care, but she does. She has to live with what she did, but she also had to live with that secret for a while. I’m not saying you should forgive her, but just think about what position she was put in.”
“And what position have I been put into now that I found out my girlfriend was hiding her pregnancy from me? Why didn’t Shay tell me sooner, or why did she tell me at all?” Remus asked loudly.
He could never yell at Lily.
“Remus, I don’t know why things happened the way they did,” Lily said softly.
“Am I really that much of a monster?” Remus asked himself more than he asked Lily.
“Why would you ask that?”
“Why hadn’t Niki told me? Was she that afraid of me?” Remus asked and Lily could see his eyes become misty.
“She was never afraid of you Remus. You know better than that.”
“Well, you’ll have to excuse me but I just found out that the love of my life obviously didn’t love me as much as I thought she did. I’m not sure what I know anymore.”
James, Sirius, and Shay sat around the table silently eating their dinner. Which was very unusual for those three, especially James and Sirius. Lily was still at Remus and she had sent an owl telling them to go ahead with dinner without her.
“How’s the spaghetti?” Shay asked.
“It’s good,” James said with a mouthful of food.
“Yea, thanks for cooking,” Sirius said with a polite smile.
“Not a problem.”
Another awkward silence followed the short exchange of words.
“Ok, enough of this,” James said and got up with his plate.
“You two need to talk and you need to talk now. I’ll be in my room and try not to kill each other,” James said and left the kitchen.
“Well, that was subtle,” Sirius said with a small smirk.
“Yea, I’ll have to beat him up later,” Shay said.
“Can I help?”
“How did it go with Amélie?” Shay asked quietly.
“She’s still not talking to me. I gave up after knocking on her door for a half hour.”
“Sirius, I’m sorry about yesterday. I did a terrible thing and I know I was wrong,” Shay admitted.
“You don’t have to apologize. Mel and I will be fine.”
“I’m not sorry for her, Sirius. I’m sorry for you. I know that you didn’t want her to know that yet and I can understand that,” Shay said.
“Thanks but let’s just call it even,” Sirius said with a small smile.
“What do you mean even?”
“Well, I was thinking we could start fresh,” Sirius said and rested his hand on hers.
“After everything that happened, you want to start fresh. You’re kidding, right?” Shay said, dumbfounded by Sirius’s words.
“No. Shay I want to be with you,” Sirius said and looked Shay dead in the eyes.
Shay took a minute to register what Sirius said before she spoke.
“Sirius, what you did still hurts me. But it’s not a fresh wound anymore. I’ve worked hard to get over it and everyday it hurts a little less. I can’t wait for the day that it stops hurting. I can’t go through that hurt again.”
“Please. I want to make it up to you. What can I do to make it up to you?” Sirius begged.
“You cheated on me. But not only did you cheat on me, you abandoned me when I needed you the most. Do you remember that day that I found you with Amélie?” Shay asked.
“It’s a little foggy.”
“Before I left for headquarters we got into a fight. You threw a glass at my head and blamed me for Cillian’s death. Tell me how you can make that up to me,” Shay said with a little venom.
“I am sorry. I was terrible. And I guess that I can never make it up to you, but I can try. I will try everyday to make that up to you,” Sirius said in a calm and steady voice.
Before Shay could respond to Sirius, he leaned over and planted a kiss on her lips. Shay pushed him away as soon as she knew what was going on. After she pushed him away, she slapped him across the face.
“You have a girlfriend,” Shay said as Sirius put his hand to his cheek.
“Shay, Mel and I are over. I don’t love her.”
“I think it’s time for you to leave,” Shay said without looking at him.
“But Shay…” Sirius started.
“The door is over there. We’re done talking,” Shay said and motioned her head towards the door.
Sirius got up and headed towards the door. Shay waited to hear it open and shut, but it never did.
“Do you not know how to open a door?” Shay asked.
“I can’t leave yet. Do you remember how happy we were? When we first got together, when we bought our house, when we had Cillian, when we got engaged. Doesn’t any of that mean anything to you?” Sirius asked with frustration.
Shay couldn’t help but break down and cry after hearing Sirius’s words.
“How could you ask me that? Sirius, it meant everything to me. It still means everything to me. But we can’t get that back. We’re not going to get back together, it’s your house now, and we can’t get Cillian back. We can’t get back what we lost, so what’s the point in trying. I don’t want to fail again Sirius. It’s not an option anymore.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” Sirius said and Shay heard him walk out the door.
Shay put her head down on the table and felt the contrast of the cold table and the hot tears running down her face. She felt exhausted, too exhausted to stop crying.
“Did Sirius leave? How did everything go?” James asked as he walked into the kitchen.
Shay looked up at James and he saw her red puffy eyes and tear stained face. He sat next to her and gave her a tight hug.
“I guess talking was a bad idea.”
The following day the Order stood at headquarters, waiting for Dumbledore’s directions. The tension in the room seemed to be split in three ways. Shay was standing off to one side with Dory, the twins, and Benjy. Sirius stood in the middle with Lily and James, while Remus stood as far away from everyone as he possibly could. Especially Shay. Today was the mission that they had planned for weeks. If today were a success, they would make a major stride against the Dark Lord. If today wasn’t a success, well, they didn’t want to think about what would happen.
Dumbledore entered the room holding a rusty tin can.
“This is your portkey. When you get to the location, hide this. Alice, Lily, and I will be here. If Lord Voldemort makes his presence, then Edgar will send his patronus and I will come. You leave in three minutes. Good luck.”
Not too many words were spoken during the three minutes countdown. James and Lily had there moment before James departed, as did Frank and Alice. Shay had butterflies in her stomach. This was the first mission since Alana died. Peter had still not come back. And of course, Shay was worried about the Death Eaters knowing about her wandless magic abilities now. It made her almost regret her decision of joining the Order.
“It’s time,” Edgar said and everyone formed in a circle.
Everyone’s hand hovered over the can waiting for Edgar’s word.
“On three. One…two…three.”
Lily and Alice watched the entire Order disappear.
Even though they weren’t fighting, Lily and Alice were the most nervous. They had to wait and wonder what was going on. What kept them sick to their stomach was having the thought in the back of their mind that their children may never know their fathers.
“I hate these days,” Alice said to Lily as they sat at the table.
“Me too. It’s nerve racking and the baby seems to always be restless on these days,” Lily said and rubbed her stomach.
“Neville really doesn’t cause me too many problems. He’s very peaceful,” Alice said with a smile.
“You know that you’re having a boy?” Lily asked.
“Well, we don’t have proof that it’s a boy, but I can feel it. And Frank and I decided that he’s a Neville. It’s weird because we feel like we already know him and he’s not even born yet,” Alice said.
“I feel the same way. I know what food the baby likes, what it doesn’t like. The baby always kicks when James rubs my stomach. It told James the baby is going to be a footballer when it gets older,” Lily said.
“What’s a footballer?” Alice asked with confusion.
“That’s exactly what James asked,” Lily said with a smile.
“So I heard about what happened the other day. Is it true that Niki was pregnant when she died?” Alice asked.
“Yea, her baby would have been due close to ours,” Lily said with sadness in her voice.
“How’s Remus? He didn’t look so good today.”
“He’s not doing good. I spent mot of yesterday with him and he didn’t say much. He wants nothing to do with Shay, which is understandable. He’s hurt and he’s confused. He found out that he lost his child. How would you feel?”
Alice nodded her head with understanding.
“On the plus side, we might not be seeing Frenchie anymore. That’s something we can thank Shay for,” Lily said with a smirk.
“Something good needs to happen to Shay, before this badness overtakes her,” Alice said solemnly.
Lily silently agreed with Alice.
It wasn’t even an hour before the Order came swirling back in. Alice and Lily were mapping locations when they heard the swirl of the portkey. Lily looked at her fellow members and felt her stomach drop. Lily ran up to James, who was bleed profusely out of his arm. He was missing about a six-inch piece of skin on his right forearm.
“Lily,” James said as Lily reached him.
“What happened out there?” Lily asked as she stopped the bleeding.
“We lost two,” James said in a quavering voice.
He was on the verge of crying.
“Who?” Lily asked quietly.
“Dory,” James got out first and then stopped himself.
Lily took in a quick breath at the news and tears came to her eyes, but her ears were still focused on the next answer.
“Who else James?”
James shook his head and Lily saw a tear roll down his dirt stained face. Lily looked around at the other members. They were all hurt and dirty, but they all looked sick to their stomach. However, Lily found her answer when she looked at Sirius. He was screaming at Albus. Lily could only pull out certain words. He was saying that he wanted to go back; he had to go back. Lily’s stomach dropped again.
“No,” Lily said in disbelief.
James didn’t say anything.
“No, no, no, no,” Lily cried.
James finally spoke again.
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