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Of All the Faulty Bludgers by mayday
Chapter 14 : Oh Happy Day!
Rating: 15+Chapter Reviews: 11

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I swear I should be a seer.

Not a creepy seer like Professor Trelawny, but an awesome oracle to the beyond. That would be so hoppin’ to be able to see the future. I would wake up every morning knowing what cereal I’m going to eat or if I’m gonna say ‘screw it, let’s eat cookies!’. Though in all honesty people you don’t have to be no soothsayer to figure that one out!

I knew that when I woke up today, it was going to be a great day! I just knew!

That’s just how good of seer I am.

“Good morning chair!”

Awe that chair, he’s so funny!

“Top of the day to you random inanimate object that is sitting onto of this table for decoration!”


Such a jokester!

I pranced down the hallways of Piddle-Puddle-Paddle-Piddle Park Stadium with an extra skip in my step humming some forgotten tune of the past. Then suddenly I came upon something extraordinary... something mind boggling! I walked up to the pillar almost in a trance and put my hand upon it.

“I just want you to know Mr. Pillar that I appreciate everything you do for me and for this beautiful structure every single day. I realize you most likely never get thanked enough, so thank you. I love you,” I declared almost in tears as I gave that laborious pillar a squeeze.

And I just kept on hugging and hugging and hugging and hugging and hugging-

“Miss. Sparks?”

I turned my head at the voice and saw mi amigo... PACO!

“Hola! Buenas dias Paco,” I replied still hugging the pillar of wonderment.

He nodded his head, “How are you this spectacular morning of... spectactics!”

“Fine,” he replied looking at me strangely.

Hmmm... strangely, like strangers.... but Paco and I are NOT strangers. We go as far back as a week and a half ago when I came here! Cheese and rice, I just realized. Why didn’t you guys tell me! I’m so rude.

I immediately let go of Mr. Pillar and launched myself upon Paco. Ewwe, not in that way... gross. Not that Paco isn’t a very attractive chocolate man, (not that I’m racist, I think that Roger Davies is an extremely handsome vanilla man.... with some sprinkles) but he’s old enough to be my pastor and he’s not really my type.

I like my men like my tacos.


“... Miss. Sparks...”


“Can you let go of me now,” he asked sounded winded.

“Oh!” I replied taking a step back from him, “of course!”

We stood there for a moment before I asked, “Where’s Ollie and his jolly gang of lads and lasses this fine December morning?”

“There’s practice this morning,” he replied as if it were obvious.

Well sorry Paco I apparently don’t have the schedule memorized the way you do! It’s not like they practice Mondays thru Saturdays in the morning and afternoon at the same times!

Oh wait....


“Oh, Oh!”

“Was there something you needed from Mr. Wood?” he asked like he didn’t really want to know.

“No, I just wanted to go into town today and I needed to talk to him because he promised me that I could do something real special, but you know how men are. Wait I bet you do after all you are a man, but anyway back to Wood. Last night we were in bed and-”

Paco held up a hand to silence me, “Please Miss Sparks you have said quite enough.”


I giggled, “Sorry that’s just pillow talk... talking.”

He just nodded, “Okay since this conversation is over off to the pitch I go! Adios Paco!”

Hehe, Paco is so funny. I would never do the hankie pankie with Wood of all people. That is sooo not happening. The day Oliver tells me to take off my clothes is the day that he falls deeply in love with me.

HA! As if!

* * * * * * * * *


“But Ollie you promised,” I whined looking up at his tall figure.

He gulped down another cup of water, “I did no such thing.”

“Did so!”

“No I didn’t,” he replied tossing the cup into the rubbish bin.

“Yes you did,” I said stomping my foot.

Oliver sighed running his hand through his sweaty brown hair, “I’m not going to fight with you Ruthie. You asked me a question and I gave you an answer. No.”

I scowled, “When did you get to be such a meanie pants!”

“Since you’ve decided to trick me into-”

Suddenly a shrill whistle sounded and Oliver’s head twitched towards in immediately.

“-I have to go Ruthie,” he said placing a hurried kiss on my forehead, “stay out of trouble.”

He threw me a stern look before mounting his broomstick and flying away leaving my on the bleachers gaping at him like an idiot. I placed a hand over my forehead in bemusement.

Did he just-, he couldn’t have...

But he did!

he’s sooooooo dead! When I get my hands on him!

* * * * * * * * * * *

Well maybe he didn’t mean it.

I mean he could have just wanted to bite my head off and simply lost his aim.

It happens to me all the time.

Not really.


* * * * * * * *

Maybe he’s doing drugs or steroids!


And not even a cute-pretend druggie like I am.


I feel like everything he’s ever said to me ever is a lie.


Kind of like when how the Jews thought Jesus was a blasphemer....

... but Wood is no Jesus.... only Jesus can be Jesus.....


* * * * * * * * *

They call this practice wow, this is boring.....

Oh my God.

Kenny Bryce was just knocked off his broom...

This is the best day of my entire life, minus the whole Oliver-wants-to-be-our-lord-and-savior-scenerio.


* * * * * * * * *

I’m cold.

I really should have known better than to just wear my Chudley Cannon pajamas in the effing snowy Jack Frostish weather.


That reminds me!

I pulled out a quill and a spare piece a parchment out of my pocket. You never know when you are going to need some parchment. I always have some just incase I come up with an awesome potion idea or a postulation on how I can ruin a certain Keeper’s life.

People That Need Their Arses Kicked
By: Ruthie Elizabeth Sparks

10. Jack Frost. It is so cold outside right now because of this evil man. I mean he always makes it miserable during the winter in England! Can’t he just spread the misery around, like why is it always sunny in California and Brazil... but it’s freezing in Europe! EVILNESS I TELL YOU! BLIND PREJUDICE!

9. Ronald Weasley. Not only is he rude and uncaring, but he is also oblivious to a certain female bookworm’s affections. And because I am such a great friend and matchmaker... I will shove my foot so far up his freckled butt that he will see reason and finally realize that he and Hermione are soul mates. Almost like Roger Davies and I.

8. Harry Potter. I know he’s the savior (not Jesus) of the Wizarding World and what not... but just refer to # 9. But you need to replace bookworm to redheaded chaser, great friend to I’m kind of friends with her but am a little terrified of her so I’ll set her up with her long-lost-love, and Hermione with Ginny.

7. Katie Bell. Of course she’s my best mate, but come on people! The reason that I’m in this situation is because of her and she hasn’t even owled me back since I’ve gotten here! Some friend she is!

6. Draco Malfoy. Draco, Draco, Draco, he is just not a very nice guy. I mean he’s never done anything to me personally sans the mudblood calling, but this guy just needs to get hurt... badly.

5. Fred Weasley. He’s a jerk that despises me and I don’t even know why. Let’s kick his arse.

4. Voldemort. I think that one is pretty self-explanatory.

3. Kenny Bryce. I HATE HIM!!! URGH! He mocks me and is rude and URGH! And he makes me exclaim random phrases like some sort of caveman! URGH! Oh look he just got knocked off his broom again. YEAH! Snaps for Uma! If I was a lesbian I would seriously kiss that girl... but I’m not... okay moving on...

2. Oliver Wood.

I don’t even have to say a word.


1. Maria Zane. I mean who does she think she is! I mean when I first saw her flying on her stupid broomstick with her beautiful glossy black hair flowing in the wind my slag radar was going off like crazy.




Just like that. She’s all over Oliver too. It’s disgusting, does that girl have no pride whatsoever? How dare she flirt with my faux-lover while I’m watching them in the stands via binoculars! She’s sooo not coming to my awesome sleep over. Oh dear God, she’s at it again. I’ll show her!

* * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *  *

I snuck down to the field quietly while the group was having a water break. They were all standing around in some sort of circle... almost like a cult... but then suddenly Oliver broke off from the sect and walked over to the cooler.

He got a water bottle, opened it (quite easily I might add), and was chugging it down when.....


Wood choked on the drink and started coughing hysterically. In fact he put his hands on his knees trying to calm himself. I stood there watching a tiny bit worried... what if he couldn’t breathe? Right now he’s currently gasping for air... should I help him?

Damn Oliver Wood ruining my prefect day by being an arse.I went up to his hulking figure and patted him on the back lightly. Okay, that’s a lie. Of course I took complete advantage of the situation and slammed my hand as hard as I could into his back... with repetition.

“Okay, okay.. you can stop now. RUTHIE!”

I pulled away from him almost disappointed, “Sorry.”

He looked at me almost crossly, “Don’t you ever sneak up on me again, all right? You scared the hell out of me. I thought you were a Deatheater or something.”

Me, a Deatheater....


Hmmm, the sad thing is I could almost see that.

I rolled my eyes at him, “Come on Wood, don’t be such a baby.”

Oliver crossed his arms (ohh muscles!), “What are you doing here? I thought I told you no.”

“You did.”


“What?! Can’t I hang loose with my dear friend Ollie,” I replied smiling up at him.

His hazel eyes narrowed with suspicion, “What are you up to.”

“Nothing,” I cried out innocently.

Innocent- HA!

“Sure you’re not,” he said throwing the water bottle away and then looking back at me. His eyes dropped to my attire and widened.

“What are you wearing,” he exclaimed gesturing to my body.

I looked down at my Chudley Cannon nightwear with Roger’s face on it, “What?”

“You can’t wear that!”

“Why ever not!”

“We are playing the Cannons this week. How would it look if my girlfriend was wearing a nightgown with the opposing Chaser’s face on it,” he stated almost wildly.

I raised an eyebrow, “I’m not your girlfriend Wood.”

“That’s not the point take it off!”

“No,” I replied crossing my arms.



“Take it off and I might let you have your sleep over,” he reasoned.

“REALLY,” I shouted bouncing up and down.

“Sure, whatever,” he replied with a wave of his hands.

I grabbed the edge of my nightgown and was in mid-shimmy when-

“Not here,” Oliver said in horror pulling the straps to my nightie back over my shoulders.

“Oh, sorry.”





Yep, I deserve that.

“Why would you take your clothes off.... I- oh never mind,” Wood mumbled off.

“So,” I said happily, “can I really have a sleep over?”

“You know what, I don’t even care anymore.”

I jumped up and caught Oliver in a huge hug and then let go of him quickly realizing what I was doing.

“That is the most wonderful thing you’ve ever said to me Oliver Wood!”

Oliver cracked a smile, “Why are you so intent on having this sleep over anyway?”

I grinned my evil druggie-Deatheater-grin, “It’s all part of my wicked plan!”

“Your wicked plan,” Wood replied amused, “should I be worried?”

“Nope, you’ll be thanking me. By this time Tuesday you and Katie will be in a lover’s bliss,” I sang out happily.


“You and Katie. I know I’m your girlfriend and all, but Katie’s the one for you I can tell!”

Well, actually I am usually wrong about these things... but this time I’m 100% sure.....

or maybe 99%

or 75%

...okay they’ve got about a 50/50 shot... jeez calm down people!

Oliver frowned for a moment, “I wanted to talk to you about that Ruth. You see the truth is Katie and I..”

I perked up immediately. If he confessed his undying devotion for Katie, I could go back to Hogwarts, she would be happy, then I wouldn’t have to kick her or Oliver’s arse.

Tehe.. maybe I would kick his for fun!

“Yes,” I urged on.

“The thing is. Katie is like a... like a...”

“Go on Oliver,” I encouraged.

“...but I- she’s... we...”

I gave him a big smile. FINALLY he is going to admit it.

He took a deep breath, “Ruthie, I love yo-”

“-Oliver! Could you come here, I’m having trouble with the new play you showed me,” a female voice interrupted Oliver’s confession.

Oliver sighed and swore under his breath, “Excuse me.”

He walked over to where Maria was waiting for him.


I swear to Jesus I will jump that girl!

Oliver was just going to tell me how much he loved...


Katie’s name does not start with a Yo....

.....Oh my God....

Poor Kit-Kat...

... No, it’s not possible, he can’t be in love with.....

NO! Yes... maybe.... crap.

Well, I never saw this coming. It was suppose to be such a great day. At least we know one thing, I suck as a seer.

And Oliver almost got me out of my nightie.


Hey guys. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this chapter out... I had major writer's block, but I swear the next one will be out asap! Please review and Happy Holidays!!!

-mayday : D

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