Chapter 6 : Chapter Five- His Voice
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And thank you to my dearest beta: RoseWilts. She's amazing <3 I love reading what she writes in her comments. They are so great and friendly!
I was sinking into a hole. I wasn’t sure how much further I had until I hit rock bottom, but regardless of that, soon it would be nearly impossible to escape from. I could feel the darkness closing in around me. It had become so painful and suffocating. I could barely breathe. I was in so much pain it was almost unbearable.
Classes that day were barely manageable. I just scraped by unscathed, but the whole day, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and they were waiting for the perfect time to fall. It was just so painful, but I didn’t cry. I couldn’t stand to.
Everyone was down in the common room, it was after dinner and I could hear the noise from up in my dormitory. No one had been assigned much homework. I bet that the Marauders were busy joking around: James was trying another pathetic attempt to be able to finally land Lily in his arms, Peter might be outside of the common room, somewhere sharing kisses with his freak of a girl, Remus was probably reading, and Sirius... I wasn't even going to try to fathom what he's up to.
My mind drifted away from the Marauders. Of course they were always a big presence at the school. They were constant trouble makers, and as far as I was concerned some of them were great guys. Of course I wasn't so sure about Peter, I never really had spent much time hanging out with him. Sirius was always there for a laugh. And James, was completely in love with a girl who hated him. Then Remus was like my brother.
It was only the first day of school, but I felt like I had been here for centuries; centuries alone and all of them without Tyler. It didn’t feel at all like school had just begun. It was painful for just the first day and I knew I wouldn’t be able to last long.
I lay on the floor of my dormitory trying to be strong. Strength wasn’t something that I was good at though. Tyler was perfect at being strong. He had been strong for the two of us.
Perfection, I was really beginning to hate that word. Tyler was the closest thing I’d ever known to perfection, and every time I heard the word it was like a kick to the gut.
I had loved him, but it wasn’t the love of a lover. It had been the best love anyone could have ever given me. It had been a gift. It had been the most powerful gift in the world, the love of a friend. He was the one thing I had that made me happy. Maybe if I had just done something else, maybe if I had had another close friend. Maybe if I wasn’t so attached, then maybe this wouldn’t be so damn hard.
I had seen the looks the other students were giving me, I knew that they had seen the watery glazed look in my eyes as I wished that they would be gone. People looked to apologetic and that wasn’t what I wanted them to feel.
I stood up angrily. I was feeling a new emotion. It was a rush, a thrill, and a danger. It was anger. My body shook, and I staggered over to my nightstand.
The room was absolutely still but my thoughts were roaring in my mind. It was beginning to get the lived in feeling, yet I thought as if I wasn’t belonging here at all. My heart yearned for Tyler to be sitting up in my dormitory with me at the moment. The two of us would be laughing and studying and just talking. I looked around the room. My bed was made neatly; the blue carpet had left a pattern on the back of my legs. I kept wondering. I kept on thinking. Where would I be if Tyler had never shown up to be such a centripetal force in my life?
I knew for certain I wouldn’t be this upset if we had never been as close as we really were. I still probably be sad, and morning. I was half thinking, I was trying to heal and move on but it wasn’t working. What if I never had Tyler? For sure without him life would be easier than it was now. Without him I could be healed. Without him, I wouldn’t need to be in this state of grief. I was seventy- eight percent sure that one day I would become ultimately insane.
Suddenly something struggled to be let loose from within me. Something roared, and burst out as that other something which had exploded in my thoughts. I stared at my nightstand. It had my digital clock, my favourite photo of Tyler, a few bracelets and my current book that I was reading. I stared at the photo of Tyler almost loathingly, because I was so angry with him for leaving me.
I took my favorite photo of Tyler and threw it off the night stand and onto the ground. The frame crashed to the floor, shattering into millions of pieces of broken and jagged edged glass.
There! I had done it. Tyler would be out of my life! Now I wouldn’t have to look into his face every night before bed. Now I wouldn’t have to be so broken. Tyler was gone. I had done it! It could be a victory. I wouldn’t have to look at his beautiful face every night.
But it didn’t help… something within me crumbled ever more as I started at the broken pieces of glass. They shimmered as the sunlight died and faded away as night time began to take over. The tears came down like they were a raging waterfall; they knocked into me with an unbelievable amount of force. I felt as if I had been smacked in the stomach. The wind had been knocked out of me.
Everything was crashing, everything was crumbling. Everything was fading and maybe soon even the pain would disappear as well. But that was easier said than done. It wouldn’t happen. I knew it just wouldn’t happen. I was even more broken by breaking one of the only things I had left. I wanted to scream out. I wanted to somehow die.
“Do you see what you’re doing to me,” I whispered, hoping that somehow Tyler would hear me. I balled both of my hands into fists. Every single muscle in my body was unusually tense. The stress of Tyler’s death had done a number to me.
“Do you see how broken you’ve left me? Have you realized how I am becoming nothing?” the sound of my voice became hoarse with tears.
“I have nothing left all because of you! I hate you Tyler! I hate you! I want you out of my life for good! I want nothing to do with you anymore,” I screamed into the empty room. “I hope you are listening!”
Then there was silence. I couldn’t hear one single sound. My teeth were chattering in fear but I couldn’t hear them. Not even the slightest breath could be heard coming from the branches of the trees blowing in the wind.
It was nothing. I could hear nothing. Everything was quiet. Everything was eerie. I had entered a new world, a world without happiness and a world where there was never a Tyler. It had become silent in my new world. Silence was taking over. It was coursing through the room. I couldn’t even hear the whisper of the people in the common room.
“I want to die without you! I want to be with you! What are you doing to me? Do you want this for me? Do you want me to end up like this Tyler?” I couldn’t see, I was completely blinded by tears but I kept speaking. Somehow I figured that it would help me. Then I wouldn’t have a ghost of pain following me around to every place I went. I kept yelling.
I took one last deep breath, then more words came to me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to suffocate myself with a pillow. Then I could be dead.
I could be in Tyler’s world once again.
“I hate you,” I whispered as I inched forward to examine the pieces of broken glass. I must have really knocked the frame off the dresser with an extreme amount of force. My world tumbled a bit more. My head spun, my breathing became strangled. I was facing the ultimatum. There was apparently nothing left that could save me. I cupped pieces of the glass within my palms. I kept on turning them over and over, and shifting the pieces between my two hands. “I really do hate you Tyler,” I cried out. I fell to my knees and onto the ground. My body shook with tears, and it was racked with sobs.
“Why did you have to leave me?” I questioned. “Why did you have to leave me at the time when I need you the most?” I cried. I wished that he could see me sobbing. “Why Tyler? I want to die,” I heaved out. “I want to fling myself off the astronomy tower!” I sobbed out. I was being too dramatic.
The leaves rustled on the ground outside, I could half hear what he would say in my mind. But his voice was just too real.
“Maddie, you have got to be rational.” He had spoken so clearly that I stopped in my tracks.
It was the voice from my Tyler. I yearned to hear his voice some more. But in my normal everyday it was beginning to fade away. I couldn’t hear him much more anymore. Maybe if I did something stupid, or kept on screaming for him his voice would be back. I begged for him. Maybe if I kept doing this I could keep on hearing him.
“But I don’t want to! Not without you.”
“Maddie,” his wonderful, beautiful voice rang out in my head. “No matter what happens I need you to move on with your life” he didn’t yell, but there was a hard edge to his voice. There was something in his voice on which I’d rarely heard even when he was alive. “You’re going to have to move on with your life, whatever it takes; even if you are going to have to forget me.” That hurt. He knew I could never do that even as hard as I tried to.
I could almost feel him shaking my shoulders, his hands gripping my body, telling me to snap out of it. I let out one shaky breath and then another.
I bit my lip, once again hearing Tyler’s voice whisper into my mind.
“Remember I love you,” he was stroking my hair. He was trying to console me. It was like he was here.
“Just come back to me,” I ordered into now what was becoming a darkened room. “Please Ty.”
“You know you can’t undo what has already happened, Mads,” his voice sounded better than anything I had ever heard. It was my melody. His voice had become my tune. I needed to hear more of it.
“Just say something more, Tyler. I love you,” I stumbled onto my feet.
“You don’t need to ruin a picture of me. I mean, I look great in photos.” I chuckled through my tears. I cried, I wanted for him to joke once more with me. “Maddie, I love you.”
“I love you ,Tyler.” I could hear a sigh from somewhere around me.
It didn’t matter if I was talking to an empty room, I felt like he was there with me.
“Mads,” he whispered within me. “Just accept what happened.” I nodded listening to him was one of my strengths. I gripped my wand as I grabbed it from my bed. I murmured a spell and suddenly the frame was good as new. There were no more sharp jagged edges of glass. It was just the same as it was before.
“I will never forget you.”
And just as quickly as the anger had overwhelmed me, and just as quickly as it had made me snap, It began to fade away. I began to accept the fact that Tyler was gone. Would I really move on? Maybe, eventually. But the question was, would I be able to get on in the mean time?
No! I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. My body just wouldn’t allow it to happen.
I sat up on my bed thinking; I wished to hear his voice again but as hard as I pleaded, I just couldn’t. It was gone. From now on I would be forced to face the reality on my own. I needed to think that I could get by even without him.
And one day would come, where I would be able to hear his voice again.
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