Chapter 1 : Professor, chickens make horrible hamburgers
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AN: Don't own, don't have money, don't sue
“No way, Mr. Potter, not today.” Snape said as soon as he found out Harry hadn’t finished his homework. “You can go straight to the headmaster and give him your excuses. You will not waste my class again.”
Harry scooped up his belongings and headed back out of the classroom. He slowly made his way to the headmasters office. He wasn’t very worried, it was Thursday.
“And so you see, Professor Dumbledore, that it wasn’t my fault my homework didn’t get finished, it was the hamburgers fault.”
“Oh I quite agree, Harry.” Dumbledore had sat and listened quietly to Harry’s story, and found it to be quite credible. “Since you were able to get through the story so quickly, you can still attend most of potions. Just tell Professor Snape that I heard your story, and agree with it, and I sent you back to class, alright Harry?”
“Thank-you, sir” Harry replied, standing. When he reached the door, he turned back towards Dumbledore, and they exchanged a little wink, then Harry was gone.
Snape’s head jerked up and towards the door when he heard it open. His jaw all but hit the floor. It was Potter, and he was smiling… that couldn’t bode well for him.
“What do you think you are doing back in my class, Mr. Potter? I thought I sent you to the headmaster.”
“Well, you did, sir.” Harry replied. “I told him my story, he said it was credible, and he sent me back to class.”
Harry sat down, and began removing the things he would need for class. Snape still hadn’t moved, he was still standing and staring at Harry.
“Credible?” Snape asked. “Professor Dumbledore said your excuse was credible?”
“Yes,” said Harry without looking up.
“Well?” Snape asked.
“Well what, sir?”
“What was your excuse?” Harry hadn’t even begun, but already Snape’s eye was twitching.
“I explained all about the hamburger, sir.” Harry looked up at his professor, smiled, and then went back to work.
“Hamburger…” Snape repeated, sounding a little sick. He quickly shook his head and refocused on the brat in front of him. “Your excuse involves a hamburger, and professor Dumbledore found it credible?”
“Yes, sir,” Harry replied a little crossly. “I thought you didn’t want me wasting your class today, sir?”
Glaring at Harry, Snape bit out his reply, “Talk. Now.”
Rolling his eyes in an exaggerated manner, Harry set his potions ingredients aside, and began.
“Well, I was in transfiguration yesterday, we were turning quills into arrows. I couldn’t do it for some reason. Mine turned into a piano.” Harry said and tried to go back to work.
The entire class, plus Snape, were looking at Harry, waiting for him to continue, but it didn’t look as though he was going to. Before Snape could tell him to continue, someone yelled across the room.
“What the hell does hamburger have to do with any of this?” the class all snapped around to glance at Draco. For a moment, it looked as though Snape was going to yell at him, but then he changed his mind, and looked back at Harry.
“Yes, what of the hamburger?”
Still glaring at Malfoy, Harry spoke again.
“I’ll get to it when I get to it.” he took another breath, “Now, I don’t know about you, sir, but I can’t shoot a piano out of a bow. I tried. Pigeons everywhere… pity about the dead penguin, though.”
“Please tell me you did not try to make a hamburger of out a penguin, Potter.” Snape said, looking a little green.
“What kind of person do you think I am, Sir?” Harry looked quite disturbed by the idea. “No! I tried to make the pigeons into a cheesecake…”
Once again, Harry looked off with a dazed expression fixed on his face.
“Potter!” Snape called, hoping to snap him out of it, without getting too close to the possibly insane student. But Harry didn’t respond.
“Potter!” the entire class tried calling him too, a few people, Ron and Hermione mostly, threw balled up paper at his head to wake him, but still they received no response. With a sigh, Snape crossed the room, and once again, waved his hand in front of Harry’s face.
Without showing any signs of snapping back to reality, Harry suddenly said, “Careful Professor Snape. Nargles…”
Snape quickly withdrew his hand, and actually started looking around, trying to see the creatures Harry had mentioned. It wasn’t until Hermione groaned and buried her face in her hands that Snape stopped looking, realizing there was no such thing, and glared at Harry, who was now looking at Snape with a slight smile on his face.
“You never know when they’ll come for you, sir.” Harry said, in a manner usually reserved for Luna. Harry heaved a sigh and went on. “The cheesecake… that’s when it happened. I should have known!” he yelled the last part, and slammed his fist down on the table. “I should have known!” Looking up into Snape’s eyes, and whispered, “he came, sir. I should have known.”
The class was now looking around the room, all thinking he was speaking about Voldemort, and worrying he was still somewhere in Hogwarts. Before his class got too riled up, Snape asked Harry who he was speaking of.
“You mean, you don’t know, sir?” he asked, eyes wide and innocent looking. Glancing around, then back at Snape, Harry made a ‘come closer’ gesture with his hand. With a sigh, Snape complied.
“The Colonel!” Harry said.
Snape drew back and in a louder voice so the rest of the class could hear, he asked, “The Colonel?” Harry just nodded and smiled.
“Who is the colonel?” Snape asked, sounding surprised.
“Not who.” Harry replied and tried to get back to work.
“Ok then, not who. What?” Snape bit out.
“What what, sir?” Harry looked genuinely perplexed.
“You said not who, so, I’m asking what is the colonel.”
“Not what, either, sir.” was Harry’s only reply.
“POTTER!” Snape was now really ticked and even more confused. “When you speak of ‘the colonel’ you speak of…”
“Oh! So sorry, professor. I speak of chicken.”
“I thought it was hamburger.”
“Professor, chickens make horrible hamburgers, I thought everyone knew that.”
Snape was unable to make a sound for a few minutes. He merely stood there in front of Harry, who was working on his class work (the only student other than Hermione that was working) his mouth was slightly open, and he had a vacant look on his face.
Looking up at his professor, Harry was waiting. When nothing happened, Harry looked nervously around him at some of the other students.
“I broke him…” was all he said.
Harry carefully slipped out of his seat and approached his professor. Gently, he began calling his name, when he still had no reply, he ever so slowly poked Snape in the arm.
He saw the change just in time. Before Snape had turned to grab Harry, Harry had already ducked under his work table and popped back out on the other side, getting back to work, as though he had been there the entire time. Snape turned towards him, and said, “continue.” in a very strained voice.
“Well, the Colonel came, stole my pigeon cheesecake, which he threw out the window, before growing wings himself and jumping through the window.” Taking a deep breath, he went on, “so, I not only got a zero for my piano/arrow, the chicken guy stole my cheesecake, so I couldn’t even have that to feed to Paul.”
With a pained look on his face, Snape asked, “Potter, do I even want to know who Paul is?”
“Well, sir, that depends.”
“Who Paul is.”
“That’s what I’m asking.”
“Why are you asking me?”
“Because… because you j-just mentioned him!” Snape was beginning to sound a little weak, like just speaking to Harry was a burden… perhaps it was.
Just then, the bell rang, ending class. No one other than Harry moved. He began putting his things away, but not taking his gaze off his professor.
“Sir, I don’t know who Paul is, or why you think I know who he is…”
“But… what about.. the hamburger and cheesecake?”
“Hamburger cheesecake? That’s really gross, professor.” And with that, Harry left.
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