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Chapter 16 : Of Silent Confessions
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“Procrastination, it’s a problem.” Sirius remarks as he slides into the seat opposite of me.
I look up distractedly and am irritated to find that his face is still as disturbingly distracting as ever. I shake my head to keep from looking like a salivating idiot. I flex my stiff fingers and then quickly pick up my quill and resume the essay that is due in an hour. My stomach growls and I hold back a heavy sigh.
Sirius taps me on the arm and I snap my head up angrily until I see the ham sandwich being presented to me in his hands. I look up at him hesitantly and find that lopsided elegant smirk on his lips.
“I thought you might need this.” He offers through mischievous eyes that while holding hidden mirth also holds genuine concern and sincerity.
I crack a smile and gratefully take the sandwich from his hands. I bite into soft bread and moan with satisfaction. Sirius stares in mild fascination and I slowly begin to feel awkward. What is new? Oh, right! Nothing.
“Don’t say anything.” I warn while he continues to smirk, his lips pulling upward seductively. I make a mental note to never moan in his presence ever again. “You enjoy making me feel uncomfortable don’t you?” I mutter through the sandwich.
“I try my very best.” He winks and then stops. “Actually, I don’t really try my best. I don’t try at all.
He looks at me and then casually shrugs.
“You’re just an awkward person.” He says.
“That’s really lovely of you, thanks so much.” I say as I roll my eyes. I finish off my sandwich with one big bite and promptly dust off the crumbs off my paper. I pick up my quill with a mournful sigh and hunch over the abominable essay. Any normal person would have taken this as their queue to leave but, oh no, not Sirius. It’s a pity that I enjoy his company and don’t want him to leave; it would make finishing my already late assignment so much easier.
I feel a poke on my shoulder and I growl in response.
“If you could do anything right now, what would it be?” He asks strangely.
“Drink apple cider while looking at the stars.” I reply back automatically. He gives me a strange look, a cross between exasperation and wonderment. “What?” I ask affronted. “You asked.”
“Awkward and boring.” He sighs, giving me a lopsided smile that suddenly has my heart jumping. It must have been one hell of a smile because my heart has never reacted this way before.
“Okay, fine what would you be doing right now?” I ask defensively. “Shagging Potter?”
“I am not a poof.” Sirius exclaims in mild annoyance. “And for your information if I could be doing anything right now, I’d be building my motorbike, the very essence of manlihood.”
I put down my pen at this information and raise an eyebrow skeptically.
“Do you even know what a motorbike is?” I ask.
“Yeah sure, some funny bi—beyscle,” He says
“Bicycle?” I imply.
“Yes, but it’s much faster and I don’t have to move my legs to make it move.” He says excitedly and leaning forward takes my quill and begins drawing a bike (two circles connected by a line) with him (a stick figure with carefully drawn out hair and large muscles), on it. I take the quill from his hands and for the briefest moment our hands touch. That electrocution is there and instead of mistaking it as an accident, my hand hovers over his and I look up to see him giving me that strange stare.
The stare is suffocating me. I cannot breathe, I cannot look away. I am entirely and completely mesmerized by him. The quiet gentleness in his eyes, the playful mask, the arrogant shoulders, the impossibly high cheekbones, the quirk in his lips, the wetness of his mouth, the carefree sheen to his skin, the aristocratic nose, the delicate eyelashes, the ebony of his hair, the slight tint of blue in his eyes, the tiny freckle above his eyebrow, and suddenly, suddenly more than anything this person in front of me fills me with a sudden feeling of longing and want. I feel my chest clench.
He clears his throat and I shake my head.
“Is there something on my face?” He asks bewildered, touching his cheek.
“Yeah, you have grease on the corner of your mouth.” I lie horrendously, my voice catching while I cover it up with a cough. “Food these days, much too much msg, and such things. Clogs arteries you know.”
“Rique Infarctus”, I interrupt. “And risk of heart attacks.”
“Oh and obesity. Cannot forget obesity.” I give him a quick glance lest I have that weird feeling again. “Not that you should worry about that. It looks like you have a nice package anyway, I mean six pack. Pack, not package.” I yelp and duck my head into the crook of my elbow in horrified embarrassment. My life is a joke. Honestly it is.
“Er… yes.” He manages and then thankfully looks over his shoulder. “Anyway I came to invite you to come with me to the kitchens. I was on my way and I thought I might ask you to come join me.”
My stomach grumbles loudly and before even so much as a protest he grabs my hand and yanks me out of the library.
“You are so…” I growl.
“Presumptuous?” He finishes for me, giving me that famous smirk.
“No! Well yes.” I finish lamely and only struggle half-heartedly as he brings me to the kitchens.
As soon as he tickles the pear, a wonderful aroma fills the corridor that makes my stomach growl with satisfaction. He stands there simply staring at me.
“What?” I ask.” Let’s go!” And with a yank I tug him into the welcoming arms of dozens of house elves.
“Masters Black and Marriot.” They squeak and they bombard us with plates and plates of food. Not wanting to be rude I take every single one to which they respond with large, wide satisfied smiles. Sirius looks pointedly at me.
“Oh buzz off. I could eat a cow.” I respond as I eagerly grab a large bowl of soup.
He puts his hands on my shoulders and stirs me toward a little table with tiny stools. He pushes me a little too hard and I end up choking on my soup. Sirius Black, being the big idiot that he is, merely starts patting my back quite heavily reducing me into a state of discomfort and pain. I cough suddenly and a huge gust of air flows back into my lungs.
“You are an idiot.” I snap at him. Twinky, one of the house elves, fetches me water and prompts me to drink some. I accept it thankfully all while glaring daggers at the ridiculous boy in front of me.
“You do not pat a person’s back when they’re choking!” I say as I reach for a plate of hash browns. You think the whole choking scene would put me off food for a little bit but no. I am a human disposal machine, watch me get fat!
“Sorry.” He mutters not sounding the least bit apologetic at all.
“Yes well… “ I say and then garble into nonsense as I stuff a forkful of potatoes in my mouth. God bless these little elves. A steaming hot cup of tea is presented to me and I eagerly grab it in my cold hands. Seriously, house elves are the most awesome creatures in the world.
“Hey, you’re a girl right?” Sirius asks suddenly, as if remembering a long lost fact instead of a blatantly obvious fact that I have breasts and a vagina. God, it sort of stings.
I put down my fork and eye him wearily.
“Yes… I would hope so unless someone failed to mention to me that having no dangling bits means I am a boy, which would mean you were actually a girl and then you really wouldn’t be asking me that question, would you?” I stutter out, embarrassing myself and mentally hitting myself with an ax.
Sirius only looks at me gravely, not a hint of amusement or exasperation. Oh okay, I see how it is, bloody moronic, pretty boy with….
“I think I may really like a girl.” He says watching me carefully. Suddenly my body gets hot and a certain flush rises to my cheeks, warm and red.
“So you’re not a pouf! By golly gee wiz.” I drawl in a horrible imitation of an American accent.
“I’m serious.” He says. Normally I would have cracked up with laughter and so would he but the look on his face is starting to make me squirm with its fiery intensity.
“I’m guessing there is no pun intended.” I mutter as he continues to stare intently at me. I sigh. “Okay, Sirius who is she?”
Who is the lucky girl? I think miserably. My chest clenches with anticipation and dread. My heart races and I’m wondering why my body is reacting this way and why I suddenly I realize how close we are, our elbows touching. I gaze at his moving lips, words I cannot hear but motions and movements I know I can understand if I could just press my lips to his. I’ve done it before. I’ve…
“Janelle, are you listening to me?” He asks, waving a hand in front of my face. I blink stupidly.
“Sirius, I…” I begin to say. I know it’s important I say this, whatever it is, whatever pops up from my heart and brain, because they’re in sync for once in my life. They’re in sync and I have to. I have to say something. “Sirius, I…” I begin.
“It’s Maria Kensington, Nell.” He says.
You know the sound of glass shattering, you know the almost delicate fall it takes, the suspense, the frail beauty of it and when it finally shatters, breaks, you feel like you’ve lost something, you feel disappointed you didn’t catch it, you feel fallen? I feel like that except the fall was expected, the fall was inevitable but what I didn’t expect was it shattering like it did, I didn’t see the end. I didn’t see clearly. For a brief second I saw myself with him, I saw myself falling for him, saw it so clearly that my own ignorance led me to believe he felt the same. I didn’t see clearly.
“That’s lovely.” I hear myself intone in a dreadfully flat voice. I don’t remember anything after that, I remember declining a cup of apple cider and walking out. Did I even say goodbye? Was I so impossibly dramatic?
I’d laugh but I’m afraid that I will only start to cry.
I sit up on my bed suddenly remembering my assignment which was due next period. I look at the clock. Correction: It was due an hour ago. I sigh and then groggily get up to pick up my school bag from the library and plead my case to Flitwick. Should I consider using the ‘menstruation’ card? Merlin’s pants, I already used that a week ago. Ah, my life.
I head down the Ravenclaw stairs and as usual ignore the strange stares I’ve been getting ever since Sirius Black turned up into my life. Sirius Black, the very thought of him makes my chest clench and hurt. It’s all so confusing I want to tear my hair out. All I know is Maria Kensington does not deserve someone who is so deep and oddly genuine because she is bitch number one and if she gets the guy it ruins the hope for all lowly nobodies in the world.
It’s like a light switch has been turned on, ever since the night we made up, where we agreed we would be friends. Friends. It should’ve made me happy because it was all that I ever wanted but it didn’t. I wasn’t satisfied. The girl without any friends wasn’t happy with having one. She wanted more. More with him. I groan and tightly close my eyes. I reach the library and walk toward my bag, which is still placed on the table. I swear if somebody stole something from me, I’ll kill them. A scorned woman is not someone you want to mess with, especially since I am already considered crazy and completely unwanted. I groan again and trudge my way over to my back pack. Once I reach it I count all my notes and textbooks. Twelve. Right. Nobody stole anything. No deaths tonight. I turn around and suddenly a figure is there. For one heart stopping moment I think its Sirius. It’s not. I blink once to make sure it’s not some apparition I conjured up in my perplexed mind. I blink again and it’s Regulus.
“I figured you’d come back for your bag.” He says coldly.
Never mind the fact that he appeared out of nowhere or the fact that he’d obviously been waiting, I was relieved to see him and disappointed.
“Were you expecting somebody else?” He says as he steps closer.
I hadn’t talked to him after the ‘incident’, not only would that breach a very sensitive issue, it was also really embarrassing. The few awkward glances exchanged were the only indications of our brief association.
“You know what? I really have to go talk to Flitwick.” I say.
“Why?” He asks like he’s actually interested in my life but in fact only asking to stall me so he can get his point across.
“I have to tell him that I fancy him but before I can even start to confess, he’ll stop me and say he seriously fancies another girl and I will be standing there, alone and disappointed because that girl is not me. And then I will leave and try to sort out my feelings because in the end I was confused and stupid.” I say to him.
A heavy cloud passes over my head and I’m drenched in my own self-pity. I look up at Regulus. The quirk on his lips is surprising.
“How tragic.” He smirks.
“Shut up.” I mutter and start to walk past him. He grabs my wrist, still smirking.
“What the hell is so amusing?” I snap.
“It’s just that,” he says as he jerks me towards him. I stumble and fall into his arms. “That whole story will make this much easier for me.”
“Okay, listen you pompous –“ I begin to say but I am cut off by his lips crashing down unto my mine.
His kiss is hard and unyielding. I begin to struggle but his kiss turns gentle and soft and he moves his hands to cup my face and I cease to fight it.
This is wrong, my mind is screaming at me. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Sirius’s face flashes in my head mouthing Kensington’s name. A surge of anger rushes to me, making my hands start to shake, I steady them by putting them around Regulus’s neck. I crush my body closer to his; my mouth begins to respond to his kisses. Anger to anger. Resentment to resentment. Emptiness to emptiness.
Fine, I think wildly. Fine.
Eat it Sirius Black. Eat it.
hey guys, this chapter was born from severe procrastination and a very long night so please excuse the errors and the overall crappiness. I am not entirely happy with this chapter so your input is so needed. Also I'm sorry I haven't gotten to responding to any of your reviews, busy busy busy but I would like to let you all know I read everything single one and appreciate them all! You guys are lovely. :)
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