Chapter 1 : On My Own
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Disclaimer: The characters belong to JK Rowling. The song belongs to the talented herbert Kretzmer and Alain Bauble, the lyrists of Les Miserables, and the composer Claude-Michael Schonberg
On my own, pretending he's beside me
On my own, I walked with him 'til morning.
As quietly as she could, Ginny crept out of her dormitory. Checking over her shoulder to ensure she had not disturbed anyone, she slunk down the stairs to the common room. It was deserted, as it should be at 2am. But Ginny had to go somewhere, she had to meet someone.
She stealthily moved across the common room to the portrait of the Fat Lady and slipped out into the corridor beyond. With soft footsteps, Ginny started to the northern tower, a quiet spot she visited often. Tears began to well behind her eyes. She cried a lot these days. Everything reminded her of all that she had lost. The war had cost her dearly, so many friends and family had been hurt or injured. Everywhere she turned there was another face that brought memories welling to the surface. And there were just so many memories, so much pain, and there was no escape. Except this one.
Ginny reached the stairs and began her accent, and there waiting for her as he always was, was Harry. He turned and smiled, his beautiful green eyes full of compassion and warmth. Ginny ran the last few steps straight into his arms.
“I've missed you,” she whispered into his chest.
“I know,” he replied, running a hand through her hair. “But I'm here now and I will be until morning.”
Without him, I feel his arms around me.
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.
Tight in his embrace, Ginny felt safe once again. The tears ebbed away and she pulled back so she could look into his deep green eyes.
“I'm so lost right now,” Ginny sobbed, once again feeling hot tears behind her eyes. Everywhere I look I see things that remind me of all the pain and suffering that we have had to go through. Will the pain ever end, will I ever be able to go a moment without seeing the face of someone I loved who is no longer here, a moment when I don't feel anguish in my heart? Harry, will I ever be happy again?”
Ginny closed her eyes and buried herself once again into Harry's chest. Harry kissed her forehead and replied, “the pain you feel now is very real Ginny, everyone is hurting. But with time, it will subside and you will be stronger for it. It is a shame that we had to live to see such times, but we are on the forefront of a new age. What we do today will affect tomorrow in ways that are greater than we can conceive. Don't ignore your pain, embrace it, as it is through the hard times that we truly become who we are meant to be.”
Harry had once again said just what Ginny needed to hear. That there was an end to all of this and slowly the suffering would dissipate. But now, she was glad to have Harry beside her at all.
In the rain, the pavement shines like silver
All the lights, are misty in the river.
In darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever
Harry released Ginny and took hold of her hands, walking her over to the balcony so they could look out over the grounds of Hogwarts. The sky above was clear as crystal and millions of stars twinkled overhead. The grounds sparkled as the moonlight and the starlight intertwined in the cool night air, reflected back off the remnants of a rain shower that had passed over during the night. The weather these days seemed to reflect the moods of everyone, fine and dry one minute and then rainy the next. There was no pattern, no reason, just random sudden changes that came without warning. Just like the tears that would come uninvited to everyone at any time.
“I passed my potions test today with an E,” Ginny said, nonchalantly, gazing out over the dark green lake glazed with the moonlights soft touch.
“That's great Ginny,” Harry replied.
“I don't know quite how I managed it, I couldn't concentrate on studying for it, and I don't get much sleep anymore either so I'm in a constant state of tiredness, and when I do sleep, all I do is dream. Dream of you and me, together forever.”
But I know its only in my mind.
That I'm talking to myself and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind.
Still I say, there's a place for us.
A sudden cool breeze whipped past Ginny and the trees rustled in the distance bringing Ginny out of her reprieve with utter disregard to human emotion. In an instant, Harry was gone and once again, the red haired girl was left alone, looking out over the very spot where Harry had lost his life. Tears once again sped unchecked down Ginny's cheeks and she slid down the wall to the floor and sobbed into her knees.
The world was a cruel place and she would never ever understand why Harry was taken from her. The final day of the horrid war replayed through Ginny's mind constantly, sometimes in slow motion, other times in rapid fast forward, and sometimes in real time.
The forces of Lord Voldemort were coming across the field to meet Dumbledore's Army. Harry was at the front ready to fight for his life and for the wizarding world. Ginny could do nothing but watch, both sides bound by a spell which meant they could not intervene with the duel between these two souls. It was their destiny to follow and only one would survive, like the prophecy had said.
The agony Ginny felt while watching Harry fight was too much for her to bare, but she couldn't turn away either. Harry's fate would influence her future, her very life, her very soul and being. He had to prevail, he had to defeat Voldemort.
And he did, but it came at a terrible price. Ginny would never know how Harry came to the conclusion that he reached that day, but as soon as Harry's eyes met Ginny's, she knew what Harry was about to do. Harry dropped his wand and Voldemort fired the deadly curse.
Tears erupted from Ginny eyes and she rushed to Harry, catching him before he even touched the ground. But she already knew that he was gone and with his death a small part of her had been torn out as well. She had loved Harry since the moment she first saw him. He had always had a part of her heart and as his spirit left his body, the part of Ginny's heart that had always belonged to Harry went with him. Ginny would never be whole again.
Ginny shivered in the cool night air. She had gotten by over the last few months, but only just. The days were tortuous at best but she found solace in the night. In the silent hours she could steal away from reality and once again she could be with Harry.
“I'm only in your mind Ginny, I'm not really here,” Harry whispered softy in her air, pulling her up from the ground.
“I know,” she sobbed, “But this is how I get by, it's what makes me get out of bed in the morning, as I know that eventually the sun will set and once again you will be here.”
“But Ginny, you're talking to yourself, you are asking and answering your own questions. In your heart Ginny, you know it is time to move on, it's time to let me go.”
“I can't Harry, I can't leave you, I just can't. Somehow, things will work out...won't they?
Harry slowly shook his head and looked into Ginny's eyes, glistening with a thousand tears. “Life is never easy Ginny. There is always going to be trials and tribulations, pain and suffering. But there will also be joy, happiness and love. It is how we deal with all the pain that shapes us into a better person. It also makes you appreciate what we have, because it makes you realize how terrible it is when something is gone. But Ginny, I was loved, and you are loved...and most importantly of all, I loved you. There is a place for us, but it is not now, it is not here. One day Ginny, we will be together again, but in the mean time...please, for me, continue to live.”
I love him, but when the night is over
He is gone, the rivers just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers
The first rays of the rising sun split the horizon in two and in an instant Harry was gone. And this time, Ginny knew he would not return. Deep down she sensed that it was time to go on with her life. Harry would always be there inside her heart. She had given him a piece of her heart and he had given her some of his, and that part did not die with Harry. It continued to live inside of her and give her the strength she needed.
The world was never as bright any more. It seemed that something else had died with Harry, like the whole world was mourning his loss. The lake seemed colder than it used to, the leaves on the trees didn't seem as green and lively and even Hogwarts itself seemed to creek and groan as if singing a sorrowful melody softly to itself.
Ginny turned away from the grounds and began the trip back down to the common room, alone. The corridors were empty but soon they would be bustling with students, most of whom Ginny did not know. And of those she did, they were not they same as they had been. It was like Hogwarts was full of strangers and only time could mend the wounds in everyone's soul so happiness and laughter could once again flood the corridors of their beloved school.
I love him, but everyday I'm learning
all my life, I've only been pretending.
Without me, his world will go on turning
I world that's full of happiness that I have never known
Ginny turned the last corner to see the portrait of the Fat Lady hanging in front of the opening to the common room. She was sleeping peacefully and Ginny did not have the heart to wake her just yet. Even the portraits were effected by what had happened between the walls in which they hung.
Ginny instead sat down on the cool stones outside. She had decided that this would be the last of her early morning escapes to the top of the north tower to see the boy she loved but whom was never there to meet her. 'I've pretended for too long,' she thought to herself. 'You are in a new place now Harry, a place that I cannot be a part of yet. I'm sure you are happy as well. You never saw much of that here, so you deserve all the happiness you can get.'
I love him.
I love him
I love him
But only on my own
Ginny slowly manage to get herself off the floor and silently moved towards the Fat Lady and whispered the password. Groggily the Fat Lady opened up and Ginny slipped inside, but not before she whispered one last thing to the person she knew was somewhere watching and listening.
“I love you Harry Potter.”