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Wishing to Kiss You by never_too_old
Chapter 1 : Wishing to Kiss You
 
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I began pacing in my room, glad to be alone. Everyone was heading to the Great Hall for dinner, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go just yet. My head was swarming with all these new feelings, and I didn’t know what to do.

She was my best friend. We have known each other for years, yet here I am thinking about her in all these wrong ways. I know this wasn’t right. Not only was she my best friend, but she was dating Ron, too.

I don’t even know when these feelings even started. Perhaps they’ve always been there, but I never took the time to really notice. And now I’m tormented with these thoughts, wishing for her to be with me. Wishing to just kiss her, to feel her lips on mine. Wondering if she has ever felt the same.

I heard a light tap on my door, breaking me from my thoughts. I moved toward the door and opened it, suddenly gazing into those sweet entrancing brown eyes. I took a deep breath and licked my lips, before moving to the side, allowing her entry.

After I closed my door, she ran toward me, wrapping her arms around me and pushing her body closer. I stood shocked for a few minutes, before wrapping my own arms around her to return the hug.

Hello, tell me you know.
Yeah you figured me out.
Something gave it away.


We stood like that for a couple of minutes, never uttering a sound. There was no way I was going to break this moment, that’s for sure. Maybe she was coming to tell me she feels the same way. I can only hope.

It would be such a beautiful moment,
To see the look on your face,
To know that I know that you know now.


When she pulled away from me, I suddenly noticed the tears in her eyes. I inwardly sighed, knowing this was not about me. She needed to talk; she needed her best friend.

And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking.
You know nothing.


“He just gets me so angry at times,” she began to say, as she moved toward my bed.

“What did he say this time?” I sighed, knowing she was talking about Ron.

Well you and I,
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end.
We get along much better,
Than you and your boyfriend.


I honestly don’t even know how those two ever came to be. They have nothing in common and argue all the time. They can’t even have simple conversations, without one of them spouting off a few minutes later. Their relationship is definitely different than ours. I just wish I could tell her.

Well all I really wanna do is love you,
A kind much closer than friends use.
But I still can't say it after all we've been through.


“I mean why does he say things like that?” she finished, the tears now falling down her cheeks.

I moved closer and sat beside her on my bed, wrapping my arm around her shoulders to comfort her. She leaned over, placing her head on my chest. I slowly moved my hand along her shoulder, wanting to soothe her cries.

And all I really want from you is to feel me,
As the feeling inside keeps building.
And I will find a way to you if it kills me,
If it kills me.


I could feel my stomach lurch at the closeness. I just wanted to erase her sorrows by kissing her. I wanted her to forget about him and think about the possibility of us. But how can I do that? How can I do that to my best mate? He would hate me if I stole her away. I can’t do that to him, but it’s not like I can ignore these feelings, either.

“Maybe I should break up with him,” she suddenly said, causing me to snap out of my thoughts, as I looked down at her.

“Are things really that bad?” I asked, hoping my happiness was hidden well.

She pulled away from my chest and stared over at me. I took a big gulp, as I saw her tongue quickly slip out to lick her lips. Her mouth had me completely mesmerized, making me feel warm inside. Even my lower half was reacting in a way I wish it wouldn’t. I shifted uncomfortably on my bed, hoping it would not be noticed.

How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?


“I don’t know,” she quietly answered, as brown eyes continued to gaze in my green ones. “What do you think I should do?”

I frowned, as the question moved through my mind. This was definitely not a position I wanted to be in. What was I supposed to tell her? Forget about him and be with me? How selfish can I be? I waited too long to tell her, and now am suffering the consequences. And as much as I like her, I can’t forget the fact that she still sees me as a friend.

Well, this double life I lead isn't healthy for me,
In fact it makes me nervous.
If I get caught, I could be risking it all.
Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss,
In case I'm wrong.


“Perhaps you should be talking to him about this,” I suggested, as I stood up from my bed and walked toward the other side of the room.

“I will, but I guess I just want to hear what you have to say about it first,” she said, as the question flickered in front of her eyes.

“You’re both my best mates,” I gave in. “It will be weird if you were to break up. I know he likes you a lot. And truthfully, I don’t think your friendship will stand, if you were to end it.”

“And our friendship?” she hesitantly asked.

“As much as I would like to tell you that our friendship wouldn’t change, I know that’s not true,” I honestly answered. “I’ll be split between you two, and won’t be able to give you both the same attention I could before. I’m not saying our friendship would be over, but it will definitely be different.”

“So you’re saying I should stay with him?”

I shook my head and sighed. “If you’re unhappy, then you need to do what is right for you. Don’t stay in a relationship because you want things to stay the same.”

“I just don’t want to lose your friendship, Harry,” she softly admitted, bowing her head.

I took a deep breath, before slowly moving toward her. I knelt down in front of her, grabbing both her hands that were resting in her lap. She slowly looked up, fresh tears now rolling down her face. “You never will,” I confessed. “Sure it's not going to be exactly the same, but you’re not going to lose me, Hermione.” 

“Thanks, Harry,” she then smiled, bringing me into another hug. “I love you.”

All I really wanna do is love you,
A kind much closer than friends use.
I still can't say it after all we've been through
.

“Love you, too,” I whispered, wishing she knew the whole truth.

And all I really want from you is to feel me,
As the feeling inside keeps building.
And I will find a way to you if it kills me,
If it kills me,
If it kills me.


She stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet. “Why aren’t you at dinner, by the way?” she finally asked.

I shrugged, “Wasn’t hungry.”

She gave me a wistful look, and I held my breath, as I waited for her question. She always had a way of knowing when something wasn’t right with me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to direct her attention away from my true feelings.

“Harry, what’s wrong?”

I put on a fake smile, hoping that would do the trick, as I answered. “Nothing’s wrong. I just wasn’t hungry.”

She placed her hands on her hips, eyes narrowed, and I knew she didn’t believe me. “You’re lying,” she accused. “Now tell me, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

If I should be so bold,
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand.
I'd tell you from the start how I long to be your man.


I leaned in and gave her a quick kiss on her cheek. If only she had turned slightly, when I did it. “Thanks for being a concerned friend,” I stated, as I backed away from her, “but it’s really nothing. Just something I have to work out on my own. Okay?”

But I never said a word,
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again.


She nodded and left it alone. I sighed to myself, grateful that she wouldn’t bother me about it. Sometimes she can be a real stickler with things like that. I’m guessing my tone of voice told her it wasn’t anything dangerous I was dealing with, just some inner battles I had to work out by myself. 

“I’ll leave you alone then,” she smiled.

“Okay,” I whispered, although I didn’t want her to leave.

She leaned in and gave me a kiss on my cheek, before moving toward the door. I turned and watched her walk away. I licked my lips, as I noticed her hips sway with every movement she took. Couldn’t she see the effect she was having on me?

Well all I really wanna do is love you,
A kind much closer than friends use.
I still can't say it after all we've been through.


She paused, with her hand on the door she just opened, and slowly turned around to face me. I hurriedly looked up, hoping she didn’t catch me staring. I then saw a small smile appear on her face, and I swallowed, knowing she had.

“I’m breaking up with him,” she announced, before turning and leaving my room.

I remained frozen, as her words rang through my head. I couldn’t believe what I just heard. And as much as I wanted to hear it, it still pained me. Ron was my best mate. I couldn’t do that to him.

And all I really want from you is to feel me,
As the feeling inside keeps building.
And I will find a way to you if it kills me,
If it kills me,
If it kills me.


I closed my door and began pacing once again, as new thoughts swarmed inside my head. What if I just told Ron? What if I was open with him about my feelings for her? Merlin, how would a conversation like that even start? Ron, mate, I know you love her, but I’m in love with her, too. I can’t get her out of my mind, and I just want to kiss her and have her body close to me. Is that okay?

Oh, I think it might kill me.

Oh, forget it. I can’t do it. I’ll just have to live with this for the rest of my life. And as much as I think her and I would be perfect together, I know the fates will not allow it. Besides, the war is coming and who knows if I’ll even survive. Perhaps not telling them the truth is for the best.

And all I really want to do is to feel you.
Yeah the feeling inside keeps building.
I'll find a way to you if it kills me,
If it kills me.


I shook my head, as I stopped walking. I don't want to hide anymore; I just can't do it. I’m tired of having to always do what is right. I’m tired of being the one to step aside to allow others to have the happiness I desire. I’m tired of being afraid of my feelings. I’m just so tired of it all.

I nodded, finally making up my decision. I was going to tell Ron. He may hate me afterward, but I don’t care anymore. I’m going to tell him I have feelings for her. And after that, I’m telling Hermione. I wasn’t going to live my life in the shadows anymore.

It might kill me. 




A/N:  Again, the song lyrics are from "If it Kills Me" by Jason Mraz.  I'm thinking about doing a sequel, so I hope you guys would be interested!  :)




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