thanks to dare4distance @ TDA for the beautiful chapter image, she's good eh?
Disclaimer: it’s all Jo’s.
‘Stebbins, what a genuine surprise to not
find you on your back.’
That bloody voice. That annoying, loathsome, insistently vile voice. A voice that could charm thousands, and at the same time be the bane of my sodding existence. Its owner being the Grindlewald to my Dumbledore, the Mab to my Merlin, the Napoleon to my Wellington; the evil to my good.
Essentially; the most displeasing, irritating, despicable annoyance in my life at present.
(Bar my dragon of a mother – she’d always be around, and I was sure even long after she was gone her scathing words and bitchy remarks would forever haunt me.)
The voice? Belonged to a vile little sewer rat that constantly plagued my life (much as the bubonic plague had to muggle’s – I knew Binns droning voice would one day penetrate some information!). And as a result my life appeared to be one long, unending and degrading timeline of sadistic mockery by that bloody cretin and his cronies and a constant surge of embarrassing moments (not all, I will freely admit, caused by those bloody boys – I am clumsy.) But it was this foul, loathsome creature, along with his adoring lap-dog, and his other little rats, that had the entire student body laughing their arses off, whilst I stood, paralyzed half in astonishment and half in sheer bloody rage at having tiny golden birds dive bomb me every five bloody seconds. And I just stood there, unable to stop squealing like a stereotypical girl every time the birds began a new attack.
I was, and I was not dramatising my life; the school’s clown, not by my own bloody choosing of course, but rather as a direct result of being the Marauder’s plaything when Severus had chosen a good hiding spot for the day. So maybe, rather than be called the clown, I was the constant victim of the bullying, inane buffoons.
Sirius Black and his boyfriend were, at that moment, (and unsurprisingly) at the front of the throng of students, pissing themselves with laughter, all the while lapping up every single ounce of attention they could. At my expense of course.
The story of my sodding life.
I was quite sure that at any moment Black was going to begin whipping the crowd up into a hysterical frenzy of even more intense laughter and applauding, all of course for his valiant effort of entertaining them all, the evil git.
‘Face it Stebbins, you’re the sort of hopeless case that gives failure a bad name.’
Oh brilliant, of course Black’s whiny little groupie James Potter had to pipe up with a highly witty comment to whip the crowd up into a larger laughing frenzy. Those two really were the sporn’s of Satan.
Of course, being the unlucky cow that I was, there was no back up or help rushing forward for me, as those bloody birds began to take chunks out of me every time they dived and nipped at me. Not that in such situations, and Merlin there had been many in my six years at Hogwarts, were people usually rushing to my aid. No one in the whole school, bar my two best friends and a couple of the Slytherin team, all of whom happened to be at Quidditch practice (suspicious time for the marauders if I do say so myself, or rather an idiot’s luck) – who only would have due to the fact I was their captain’s girlfriend and they hated the marauders, then again who wouldn’t?
No, the current crowd dared not to question the humanitarian rights of such displays of public humility, but rather opted for the easy way out laughing along cheerfully; thanking their lucky stars I was Potter and Black’s victim. In fact the two people that should have been here, namely; my two best friends Lily and Annie were nowhere to be found, as often happened in such situations, so much so I no longer believed that this was simply “coincidence”. Bloody bad friends and boyfriend is what I would call it.
‘Stebbins could you look any more like a gormless troll?’ Potter sniped in a catty voice.
Shit. Potter, for once in his miserable existence, was right. I must have looked like a squealing idiot with these bloody birds dive-bombing me.
‘Get these bloody insolent birds away from me you ignorant, egotistical arrogant shit of a boy who simply mopes around all day wishing he could get laid,’ I spurted out in a bout of fury, admittedly as a Ravenclaw (the cleverest house) I could have done it myself, but my rage had eclipsed all hope of a rational mind.
Potter and Black glared at me furiously at my own bitchy comeback.
‘Or is that what Black’s for?’ I smirked victoriously at the two idiots, despite the continuous attack from the birds.
The crowd jeered like some fabulous Shakespearean audience, and at once were on my side. Something that did not go unmissed by the two idiots who were standing in front of me. Potter had been publicly embarrassed, and by the looks of the twisted face of Black, an insult to his boyfriend; was certainly an insult to him as well.
The two lovers were just about to put together what I was sure to be a highly insulting reply, something I was sure to be about me not being able to keep my legs shut, when they were halted from saying anything more.
Whilst she rid me of any more scars that were about to be put on me, I was still unsure whether McGonagall really was my saviour or in fact was about to give me a much worse punishment. I heard her shrill shriek before I even saw her coming. A shriek so piercing I was quite sure Black and Potter’s balls had jumped straight back up into their bodies.
And she looked bloody furious.
A look every student in the castle dreaded.
She took one look of the situation; I on one side of the hall, Potter, Black and half the student body on the other side, and knew what she was dealing with. She crossed her arm half in fury and half in exasperation; she’d dealt with the three of us quite a number of times since we had started Hogwarts.
‘I’d like word over here with Mr. Potter, Mr. Black and Miss Stebbins please.’ She called out to the crowd, ‘the rest of you may go back to eating your dinner.’
No one dared argue and thankfully the crowd quickly dispersed, whilst Potter, Black and I walked slowly over to our impending fate. Oh Merlin I’d forgotten that McGonagall really, really didn’t like me; I supposed she saw me as quite a nuisance to her teaching life. I could relate to her; I had Black, Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew.
‘Well come on, spit it out. What’s been going on here?’ She asked.
‘Potter and Black thought it would be highly amusing to charm a bunch of birds to attack and bite me Professor.’ I said first, cutting off any falsity that the two mongrels to the left of me were hoping to pass of as truth. And at the same time looking like a snotty nosed tell-tale.
‘It’s not our fault Professor, its Stebbins fault for being a clumsy cow and can’t handle a couple of birds flying into the castle attempting to get back out again.’
The bullshit that came out of that boy’s mouth was astonishing.
‘You put a charm on them to harass me! I nearly fell flat on my back trying to swat them away!’ I said raising my voice at the bloody injustice of their lies.
‘That’s how I heard Rosier likes it.’ Smirked Potter so quiet that only I and Black could hear him, the rotten git.
‘Did you do anything to cause the boys to do this Miss Stebbins?’ McGonagall asked turning to face me.
‘No!’ I exclaimed in outrage.
‘Very well Miss Stebbins I only ask as I know the past you, Potter and Black share.’
‘You believe her over us Professor?’ Potter said in an offended tone.
‘She’s a Ravenclaw! We’re Gryffindors!’ Black added.
‘That means nothing Black, you should know by now I do not discriminate between houses, thank you very much.’ McGonagall replied.
‘Well we still didn’t set those birds on her.’ Black said childishly.
‘Oh so they just appeared out of nowhere and started to attack me, did they?’ I asked indignantly, turning to implore with McGonagall.
Then of course, whilst I was attempting to plead my case, the Head Boy decided to show up, followed by his indecent number of loony girl followers, I allowed yet another roll of my eyes at this.
‘Hey, hey, what’s going on here?’ Came Charlie Stebbins loud, ringing voice. He, as usual, was quite unaware of what had just happened, that it concerned his sister (though he could probably already guess that I had something to do with it, few people could draw such audiences) and that McGonagall was, at that moment, reprimanding me.
He could not help but let out a chuckle as he emerged from the throng of students re-entering the Great Hall.
‘Ahh, Mr Stebbins maybe you can sort out this situation.’ McGonagall’s voice rang out, causing Charlie to jump, he clearly hadn’t seen her.
‘Course I can Professor.’ He replied hitching up his robes, like the utter moron he was.
‘Well maybe you can get to the bottom of this, I have just found your sister shouting at Mr Potter and Mr Black,’ she told him, sending me a glare, and enabling Potter and Black to smirk contently.
I then heard here began to moan about my lack of respect for my house and how I was always losing them points blah, blah, blah. And on and on she went all the while Black and Potter stood behind McGonagall’s back miming what she was saying.
‘Cal,’ Moaned Charlie, looking at me.
‘However, I cannot see where Miss Stebbins comes into this whole facade, I am sure Potter and Black played a large part in the flock of birds that were just flying around the entrance hall,’ She continued.
I smirked at Potter and Black as McGonagall turned towards the last of the students still lingering in Entrance hall hoping to catch the last dregs of drama for the day, delinquents. When she returned to us, as I was sure she would (I really didn’t think she had much faith in Charlie, her own Gryffindor).
‘I suggest that as we’re not going to get to the bottom of this you will all be given a detention which will be next Wednesday at seven o’clock.’
We all groaned collectively.
‘Now Potter I am well aware that you have a detention with Cuthbert down in the grounds, something about a stray salamander being set loose in his class I believe?’ The transfiguration teacher said sternly.
‘A simply misunderstanding Professor.’ Potter smiled charmingly as he tucked his hands in his pockets and turned to await three hours with probably the most boring man I had ever met.
I smiled suddenly, Potter certainly deserved it.
‘See you in the common room Padfoot.’ He called back to his companion, those two really were sickeningly in love, however much Potter tried to cover it be saying he was infatuated with Lily.
‘I suggest you two,’ McGonagall said turning to face Black and I, ‘each return to your respective dormitories.’
‘Try not to get into anymore trouble Cal?’ Charlie saying it only half seriously.
‘I’ll try.’ I smiled.
‘Yes, we all remember what your mother said at the start of the year.’
Piped up McGonagall with a slight shiver at her own mention of my mother, I couldn’t blame her; I had the exact same reaction for that bloody woman.
It had been as I stepped onto the train at the start of this year that my mother had told me if I was to exceed the number of detentions I got last year I would be pulled out of Hogwarts. A little over-dramatic if I do say so myself. She had told Charlie to keep an eye on me, him being Head Boy and all. He and I both knew how serious his threat was, and we both knew how serious my mother was as well. Or to put it in a better way, how mental my mother was.
McGonagall and my brother left us to return to the Great Hall as Black and I, together I am repulsed to say, walked up the stairs together, and worse still along the first floor corridor together too.
‘One nil to me I think Black.’ I smirked happily.
‘And how did you work that one out Stebbins?’ He replied raising what I presumed was a perfectly plucked and maintained eyebrow.
‘I got the last insult in front of the crowd, and worse Potter now looks like a sad little virgin.’ I laughed smugly as we reached the stairs.
‘I’m sure Prongs can disprove and remedy such a rumour Stebbins, you however cannot remedy that sexually transmitted infection you harbour quite so easily.’ He replied in a highly patronising tone.
‘Oh shut up Black. If Potter were to try and disprove such rumours it would mean less time spent spooning you.’
‘Oh of course I forgot we were going out.’ He replied in a dead-pan voice.
‘Exactly Black.’ I smiled victoriously; I had finally had the last laugh in one of our arguments. He was even walking away, up the steps!
‘Well I’ll still have the last laugh,’ Black said turning round to look at me as I followed him up the stairs.
‘And how did you-’
But I did not need to ask him how he had worked out how he would get the last laugh between us, as at that moment I felt my foot sink into the bewitched step.
‘I believe it’s one-nil to me actually Stebbins.’ He smirked arrogantly as he turned to walk up the stairs.
‘You can’t actually be considering leaving me here on my own without helping me can you?’ I cried desperately trying to pull my leg out of the bloody step.
‘You forget we’re enemies Stebbins,’ Black began, turning back to face me as he reached the last step of the staircase, ‘I’ll leave you to Peeves.’ He cackled like some old decrepit witch.
Sirius Black is an utter git.
Now I know I’m not a saint, I’ve been a sinner all my life,
I’m not trying to hide my flaws, I’d rather keep them in the light.
In One Ear – Cage The Elephant