A/N: Okay, so this story has been up for a while and no one seems to be to interested in it. That is just fine by me, it was my first real attempt at slash and it may very well stink. That's allright though. However, if you do come across this and decide to read it, please please by all means give me a review. It would be greatly appreciated. Now, onto to story...
The hard stone was cold against Remus Lupin’s back. He was pressed up against the wall of an abandoned building in the middle of the night and he thought he was losing his mind. He wasn’t alone either. His life-long friend Sirius Black was with him in the dark alley, bringing back memories that should have been forgotten long ago.
They had agreed to meet in secret to discuss “old times” as Sirius had said. But, like always, once Remus was trapped he realized that Sirius wasn’t there to talk. Remus could feel his dearest friend’s hot breath on his skin. He could smell that familiar musky scent all around him. It was rich and intoxicating. Remus Lupin was losing his cool.
“Sirius, what is this about? Why are we here and why can’t you keep your hands to yourself?” Remus pleaded in the dark.
His question was met with a chuckle. “Because, Moony, tomorrow you are to be married and then I’ll never have you to myself again.” There was a strange, sad look in the man’s weary eyes.
Suddenly, it dawned on Remus. “Oh! This is about that stuff back at school…”
“Yes, of course that is what this is all about. I miss you. I have been missing you for a long time. Once upon a time, you were mine, Remy, have you forgotten that?” Sirius Black let go of his friend’s shoulders and turned to look at the busted streetlight on the corner. “I thought you understood.” He sighed.
“Sirius, please don’t be that way.” Remus pulled the man to face him again. “You know that I care about you. But, we can’t keep lying to ourselves. What happened back then was nothing more than kids being kids. We were both lonely and misunderstood. What we were doing was only a temporary fix, even you said so yourself. We can’t keep playing these childish games. We have to learn to grow up. I have a new life now. I’m getting married to Tonks in less than twenty-four hours. I can’t have you coming in and pretending that there is more between us than there is. You have not said anything about that in ages, and I will not stand by and let you start now.”
Sirius glared at his friend. “Oh, get off you damn high horse! Don’t pretend that there haven’t been moments between us. Ever since I broke out of Azkaban, you’ve been giving me that face!”
“What face? I don’t have a face!” Remus exclaimed, mortified that he had been caught. He couldn’t help it when his mind drifted off to old times.
Without warning, Sirius took hold of Remus’s shoulders and pulled him into a deep embrace. “Wha…” Remus began to question, but his words were silenced as Sirius covered his friend’s mouth with his own. Remus was caught in a passionate and deeply stirring kiss. He couldn’t object. He was utterly helpless and lost in the lip lock until Sirius released him several slow, aching, tantalizing minutes later.
Remus couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breath. His heart was pounding in his throat and he was lost in another time…
“Are you sure this is right?” he asked, his voice shaking. They were alone in the boy’s dormitory late one night in December. Everyone else was gone on holiday with their families. James’s family was going through rough times, with his mother very ill. Sirius hadn’t quite felt right in intruding, so Remus had stayed to keep his friend company. So, there they were, in they boys dormitory, getting ready for bed.
“Yes, it’s fine, Moony, just trust me. Everything is going to be alright. We haven’t done anything wrong. And…” Sirius paused, “We have both wanted this for a really long time. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” He looked at his friend in longing. They were standing, facing each other, next to Remus’s bed.
“But, we aren’t supposed to be doing this. What if one of the guys finds out? What are we going to do then?” Remus fidgeted with a thread on his sweater. “I don’t want them to hate us.”
“First off, they are not going to find out. No one is. Second off, they wouldn’t hate us even if they did. We have great friends that understand us and would not turn against us over something that we feel; they are not like that, especially James.” Sirius put a comforting hand on Remus’s arm.
“But, Siri, even I don’t understand what we are doing. How could they?” Remus’s eyes darted around the room as if one of their fellow Marauders had just walked in the room.
“Look, Remus, there is nothing to be afraid of, it’s all right…” Sirius then pulled Remus into a kiss and pushed him down onto the bed…
“That is exactly the look I am talking about!” Smug and self-assured as always, Sirius’s words cut into Remus’s thoughts.
“L.. L.., Look, none of that matters anymore. I can’t be with you, I just can’t. I am with Nymphadora now. We are going to be married tomorrow. I can’t be distracted. It’s not right to her.” Remus’s voice was barely above a whisper. “What we did back then doesn’t matter anymore. It was so long ago, Siri. We were boys and we were lonely and misunderstood. It wasn’t a mistake, but it isn’t something that I just can not take seriously anymore.”
An expression of pain washed over Sirius’s features. “You can’t possibly mean that, Remus. We had a lot of fun.”
Now it was Remus’s turn to be hurt. “I never had a lot of fun. I can only remember the pain.”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. You got used to it after a couple of rounds.” A grin spread over Sirius’s mouth.
Remus blushed a violent shade of red. “That is not what I am talking about and you know it Sirius!”
Sirius’s forehead creased in confusion. “Well, now I’m not really quite sure what you are talking about at all to be honest.”
“All the girls.” Remus muttered. A flash of Sirius caught up in a lip lock with a redheaded Ravenclaw invaded his mind. His memory shifted a bit and suddenly the redhead was a curvy Hufflepuff. One after another the image was changed, same scene, different girl.
“What are you talking about?”
“The girls. The ones that replaced me in the daytime. You sometimes chose them at night, but one thing is for damn sure… you always chose them during the day.” Remus bit his lip slightly. He had kept these thoughts, these feelings bottled up for so long; it was uncomfortable to reopen these old wounds.
“I thought that you understood…” Sirius paused for a second trying to find the words; he could obviously tell that he was walking on thin ice. “Neither of us wanted to bring our arrangements out into the open. That would have killed all of my chances with those girls, and I had to keep up appearances. Besides, you never wanted anyone to find out because you were afraid that you would never be looked at the same again.”
Remus rolled his eyes violently. “I would have given that all up for you. I loved you Remus! You were always just too much of a selfish bastard to realize it!”
“What?” Sirius grabbed his shoulder. “You never told me.”
“Ha! You would have laughed right in my face if I told you. You were all too caught up in chasing the tails of whatever girl walked by. I wasn’t what you wanted.”
Sirius looked down. “That’s not true. I was just a stupid kid who thought that it was all a big game…”
Remus cut him off. “Well, that is all it was, isn’t it? And you, Sirius Black, always won.”
Sirius’s eyes lit up a little bit with memories, but he tried to chase it away. “Remus, those were some of the happiest days of my life. I’m sorry that they had to be some of your worst.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” He was tired of being caught in this never-ending battle. “This isn’t right. I have sworn myself to the most beautiful woman in the world and I’m not going to ruin that all brooding over things in the past. I need to go.” He turned to walk away, but Sirius stopped him. Sirius pulled Remus into his arms. He tried to struggle, but it was absolutely no use. Remus had always been the weaker of the two men. He simply could not hold his friend off. “Please… Siri, don’t do this to me.” He breathed.
It was no use. He was trapped. “Just this one last time, Moony. I’m sorry, but I need this.” Sirius’s voice was merely a raspy whisper. Before Remus could respond, his mouth was once again tangled up with his companion’s. There was nothing he could do to prevent it. The contact stirred something deep in Remus that was both painful and comforting. He could not fight it off. He was at the mercy of the always seductive Sirius Black, and that was the way he had always liked it.
After several pleasure filled seconds, Sirius took it a step farther. His hand slipped into the front of Remus’s pants. Alarmed, he pulled away. “Why are you doing this to me? You should not open up old wounds. It’s not fair to me or my bride.”
The look of sheer pain sent Sirius’s heart aching. “Just tonight, Remy. That’s all I ask of you, then we can let all of this nonsense die. Just this night and then you can be hers forever. I know that there can be nothing else for us.”
“What about my feelings, Sirius? Don’t my feelings count for anything in this? You have played with my heart for years, I don’t deserve this.” He looked away, his face hot with shame.
Sirius frowned. “What do you mean played with your heart for years? We only… well, it only happened a couple of times.”
Remus’s usually tender eyes went icy cold. He spun around, angry spilling over. “No, not a couple. Seventeen times. And each of those seventeen I had to wake up the next day knowing that you would replace me with someone else. Every day it was someone new, and I was left out in the cold like some old shoe. Not anymore. You don’t have that power over me anymore. I’m not a child for you to play with anymore. That’s just too bad for you, Sirius.”
“I thought you understood. You know I never knew you felt that way!”
“Oh, I understood alright. I understood that you were too good to ruin your perfect reputation over a little fling like me.” Remus had to fight to keep his face even. He wasn’t about to show weakness. If he did, his defenses would be ruined. “But that doesn’t matter anymore. I’m a grown man and I don’t have to stand around and worry about your childish games any longer. So, don’t try anything with me again. That part of us is dead. I’ve moved on.”
Sirius bit his lip in frustration. “Remy, don’t be like that. I was a young dumb kid who was afraid of his own feelings; it’s not like that anymore. I’ve really missed you. I’m sorry for everything I put you through.”
“Okay, Sirius. I believe you, but that time has come and past. I have to go now. I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow is the first day of my life with the woman I love. I cant’ look like a wreck during the ceremony.” He turned for the last time to leave, his eyes on the dim street ahead.
Sirius grabbed his wrist, pleading. “No, don’t go. I need you.” The sad, scared look in his old friends eyes disturbed Remus. That look washed away all of his resolve. Times were changing and nothing was ever going to be the same. The world was becoming a dark and scary place to be, and everything seemed to be caving in on the Order. Sirius was taking a huge risk in even being outside, with the whole world waiting for the notorious murderer to be caught. James was dead, and nothing was ever going to change about that. Peter was a traitor, who put his own selfish desires before friendship. A worry line creased over Remus’s forehead. He has missed Sirius too. Before he could object, he was back in the arms of Sirius Black, doomed once more to play the captive.
Sirius pressed his lips to his last remaining childhood companion and sealed their fate for the night.
This time, Remus returned the kiss with earnest. He has missed the feel of Sirius’s body against hi own. He had missed the comforting warmth in the man’s arms. Sirius quickly slipped his hand into the front of Remus’s pants again, only this time he was not stopped. Remus relished the feel of Sirius’s skin against his own. They untangled themselves from each other for a moment to shed their clothes. Sirius smiled and looked Remus over. “You’ve grown up quite nicely I have to say, Remy.”
Remus blushed. “Oh, shut up!” Sirius pulled them together once more and there lips met, like they had so many times before. They caressed each other hungrily. Remus whimpered slightly and shuddered as Sirius nibbled roughly on his neck. “C’mon.” he said. “Stop teasing. Let’s get this over with, you are killing me.”
Sirius smiled and gladly turned his friend to face the stone wall. He put one hand on Remus’s shoulder and one at his waist. He glanced up and down the abandoned ally and then breathed. “Remy, thank you for this.”
He slammed himself into Remus and shuddered. It had been such a long time. The feel of Remus’s skin against his made him shiver. Remus winced a little and pressed himself up against the stone. Suddenly, they were both far away from that cold, dark ally. They were in a different time and place. For those brief moments they were lost in each other. The belonged together, and ached for each other. They felt the pain and loneliness of the world and released it together. For one final moment they were each other’s…
They fell breathless against each other in tender silence. They knew it would never be this way again. This was their last moment of passion together. The last night before it all had to die. Remus pressed his lips against Sirius’s. “Thank you.” He said simply. He then dressed swiftly and walked away from the ally without looking back.
The Next Day:
The wedding went off without a hitch. It had been beautiful and breathtaking. The love that the happy couple shared for each other radiated out into the crowd. It was written all over their faces that they were meant for each other. Afterwards, Sirius had stood as best man and delivered a flawless and meaningful speech. He had played the part of a supportive and caring friend effortlessly. But as he stood alone and watched the newlyweds dance their first dance together, his entire body ached for Remus. He wanted to be the one on the dance floor with Remus. He wanted to be the one staking claim on Remus Lupin, but he wasn’t. He never would be. He had to accept that as much as it pained him. He just hadn’t expected it to hurt so much. He knew that this was the way things should be, but it was tearing him up inside. He wanted Remus to look at him the way he was looking at her right then. It was a terrible feeling to long for someone that he knew he could never have. And suddenly, he realized how it must have felt for Remus so many years ago. He sighed, it was all for the best. What they had shared was simply going to have to die. Sirius brought the glass of champagne to his lips, the lips that had captured Remus the night before and sighed. “You’ll always be the one I love, Remy.” He whispered before downing the glass. He had always know it was never meant to be.