Chapter 1 : You'll Never Know
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The only thing he knew was that he was drunk. Very drunk. Drunker than he had ever been. Completely and utterly tanked, and it was all James Potter’s fault.
If it hadn’t been for his best friend’s proposition (“a party, Sirius! To celebrate the end of our exams! Loads of booze!”), Sirius wouldn’t be in the position he was now.
That is to say, stumbling across the common room in a complete daze, pushing through the heaving, sweating bodies of other party-goers. The music was loud, too loud, and he had a massive headache.
Eventually, in his quest for the stairs, Sirius had collapsed on a mercifully empty chair, his head in his hands, wondering whether his drink had been spiked. He had only had three bottles of fire whiskey, after all, and surely he had never been this drunk – surely he had drunk more that that before? He groaned, but unable to hear it over the music, settled for curling up in the chair, closing his eyes and trying not to think of anything that moved.
He stayed in the same position for about half an hour, and had nearly succeeded, against all odds, in falling asleep, when somebody fell onto his lap, squealing indignantly. He looked up at the interloper, trying to recognise them through the thick haze of drink that blurred his vision. Red hair, green eyes, frowning mouth, freckles, long arms, longer legs. An annoyed set to her face.
“Evans? What are you doing?” he asked, wondering how it was that he could hardly see and yet his voice was perfectly fine. He belatedly remembered the No Slur™ potion that he had taken earlier that evening, at James’ insistence.
Lily looked down at him, not seeming terribly impressed.
“I was pushed,” she said stiffly, trying to get up and then falling back onto him as a drunken body twirled around, flicking her back. Sirius tried to grin through the sick feeling as she landed on his stomach.
“So I see. Evans?”
Lily looked at him again, questioningly this time.
“Could you help me up to my dorms? Only I don’t know where the boys are, and I can’t walk properly. I think my drink was spiked,” he informed her mournfully.
Lily looked as though she was trying to hide a grin as she pulled him to his feet.
“Thanks Evans. You have no idea how massive my headache is.”
Lily smiled, slinging his arm over her shoulder in an attempt at holding him up. She buckled slightly under his weight and then stood up straight again with a grimace.
“I can guess. I’ve some headache stuff in my room if you want some. It might be easier to get to sleep.”
Sirius nodded, leaning into her as they walked to the stairs.
“That might be a good idea. You don’t know how grumpy I get when I have a headache.”
Lily smiled. “You seem perfectly pleasant at the moment.”
“Just you wait, Evans,” Sirius said darkly, shifting positions slightly, “quite soon I will become a raging psychopath and there will be not telling what I might do. There is a high chance I will eat someone’s arm off in a misguided attempt at ridding the world of a few limbs. It has been known to happen before.”
Lily grinned, heaving his arm further over her shoulder.
“Sounds incredibly scary. Never mind then, I’ll just kill you and stick you in a cupboard somewhere. It might be easier than having you on the verge of eating people’s limbs off at any given moment. Plus, no-one would find it hard to believe that you had lost yourself on the way to the toilet.”
Sirius grimaced. “You’re rather frightening, Evans. I hardly know why we’ve let you in our school at all. It’s obvious you should be in a nice, padded cell somewhere.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “Says the boy who chews people’s arms off.”
Sirius ignored her stridently and they walked the rest of the way to the stairs in silence. At the staircase to the girl’s dormitories, Lily looked stumped.
“I just thought. How are you going to get up the stairs?”
Sirius shook his head, pulling his wand out of his pocket.
“S’ok. I know how to get up. I’ve done it plenty of times.”
Lily frowned, her green eyes flashing dangerously.
“Oh, I’ll bet you have.”
Sirius grinned, waving her frown away.
“Nah, Evans. You’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Me and James have been pranking the girls’ dorms since first year. We had to figure out how to get up without setting off alarms and whatnot, so…so, there you have it.”
He smiled winningly at her, and she laughed despite herself.
“You are so bloody full of it, Sirius Black. Get on with it, then.”
He turned, muttered something, and the stairs glowed bright yellow for a second before fading back to dull grey.
“Ready?” Lily asked, and he nodded, leaning into her again as they climbed the stairs. At her door, she left her hand on the doorknob for a moment, turning back to him.
“Don’t tell anyone you were up here with me, alright? You know how rumours start.”
Sirius nodded, putting his hands up.
“Yeah, no, no. I know. James’d kill me, even if he knew nothing had happened. Just the fact that you were nice to me would send him into jealous fits of apocalyptic rage.”
Lily smiled, pulling the door open.
“You know, you’re not that bad. I always thought you were exactly like James. Arrogant, jerky, a total prat, really. But you’re…you’re not. You… ”
Sirius held up a hand, looking sick.
“Evans, lets not go into how brilliant I am right now, ok? We could be here all night.”
Lily nodded, seeing that underneath the egotistical comment, his face had gone grey.
“Sure, Narcissus. Come on, you should sit down.”
Sirius let her guide him in, immediately looking better at the sight of a bed. She set him down gently and then let go, leaving him to wobble precariously on the edge of the bed.
“Just stay there for a minute. I’ll be back soon, ok?”
Sirius looked up at her, his hair falling in his tired eyes.
“Yeah, no, that’s fine.”
Lily looked at him anxiously for a moment, as if wondering whether or not he was going to fall under the bed if she didn’t watch him, and then walked quickly to the bathroom.
She was back within moments, a small cut glass bottle in her hand. Sirius watched her as she came towards him, his eyes still on her as she sat down and gave him the bottle – even as he drunk it and felt the headache fading quickly.
“Thanks,” he said softly, and she smiled, her green eyes dancing.
“If you hadn’t drunk so much I wouldn’t have to be looking after you,” she said teasingly.
“My drink was spiked, remember? It wasn’t my fault.”
“Sure, sure. No, I believe you.”
Sirius smiled despite himself, looking down at the floor. His dark hair fell in his face and he blew at it, trying to make it fall back into place. It stayed stubbornly in his eyes and he let out an aggrieved sigh.
Then there were Lily’s pale fingers pushing his hair out of his face, and they were left at his forehead, softly holding his dark hair. He looked up at her from under his eyelashes, shivering as their eyes met.
There was a moment of electricity, and they both knew exactly what the other person was thinking.
Sirius groaned, rolling over onto his side. His head was throbbing, his limbs ached, his mouth was dry…yup, all in all, the hangover from hell.
He kept his eyes closed tightly, burrowing further under the blankets and further into the soft arms of his bed-companion. Waitagoddamnminute. He moved experimentally and the arms closed tighter around him. Shit. Oh, shit. It was never nice to wake up next to an unknown entity with a colossal hangover to boot. How was he supposed to enjoy the afterglow?
He couldn’t, because he couldn’t remember anything. Damn, damn, damn.
Sirius cast his mind back to the previous night. There were faint images of a dark room, lots of dancing, lots of booze. But that was it.
Surely he would remember if he had slept with someone? Dreading what he might see, Sirius turned over in the person’s arms, opening his eyes slowly. And then closed them again in horror.
Oh shit, shit, shit! This was worse than anything he had ever done! Ever.
Lily murmured sleepily, tightening her arms around Sirius again, pulling him closer. He stiffened at the contact, trying to wriggle free, but she was vice-like in her grip. Sirius sighed, and his breath stirred her fringe. He held his breath as her eyes fluttered, and then opened. He braced himself for the screaming. Ready, any minute now…
“Morning,” Lily said, yawning.
What? What, what the hell?
“Erm…mor…morning?” Sirius said guardedly. She was obviously just delirious from sleep. Yes, that was it. Most definitely. Once she woke up properly, then the screaming would begin.
He moved cautiously, pulling his arm from under her body. He looked at her warily, wondering if he could get out of the room before she started to scream. Probably not. Damn.
“Erm, Evans…” Sirius began, wondering what he was going to say as he said it. He could probably make something up on the spot, but Lily was hardly an idiot bimbo. She knew the lines. She wouldn’t fall for, "so, this was fun, sweetness. We should do it again sometime. How about I owl you?"
Not that she would want him to contact her anyway. He was hardly her favourite person. She had made that clear on numerous occasions. Whilst kneecapping him, once or twice. Lovely girl.
“D- Do you know what…er, happened…last night?”
Lily stared at him, her green eyes blinking slowly as if she were trying to get him into focus. Then she looked away, gazing thoughtfully out the window.
Fingers in her hair, the soft sighs of another person on her skin.
Breathing in synchronisation, she lets her lips graze over his. There is a moment of nothing and they are looking at each other, falling, falling. They could stay like that forever, but she pulls him closer instead, sliding her arms over his bare skin.
And then they are together, they are one, they are all, they are nothing and everything, and one cannot be without the other, and there is no ending, no beginning to either, and sighs are sighs, words are words, and nothing is everything.
Green eyes burning into brown, red hair tangled in black, white skin melded with tan. Soft and hard, they are all one.
And when it ends, when they are drowning in each other, it still feels as though nothing has changed. She holds him and he holds her, and she realises that the wet on her cheek is his tears. And he is crying onto her, into her, and she doesn’t know why.
The words are faint, they are garbled, but she hears them when he mutters them into her hair.
“I love you, I love you, I love you and I don’t know why.”
And she holds him closer, not that it seems possible, and their skin is burned with each other. And the cry he cries when he is inside her is so beautiful that when she looks up at him, her eyes are wet with tears.
“With me,” he says, and they do.
And then they are on the edges of sleep, and when their eyes are closed, he whispers into her hair, “I love you but you can’t tell anyone. You can’t tell anyone.”
She turns in his arms, kisses him once, whispers, “I promise.”
And then he smiles, and she smiles, and they fall asleep, feeling peaceful. Waiting for morning, when the nothing that was everything will turn back to nothing.
Lily looks back at him, green eyes burning, and one slow tear slides down her cheek. Then she is standing, and has opened the door.
“No,” she says over her shoulder, “I don’t remember anything.”
AN: Ah, my. Well, feedback is tres magnifique. Want to be French Fantastique? Yes? Well then, you must click the button, and then dooble about on your keyboard until you come up with a review to send me! Oui oui! Run along, then. :D
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