Chapter 63 : To Have and to Lose
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She became aware that someone, somewhere, was trying to lift the unknown curse. She could feel herself gradually return to consciousness. She felt lighter and lighter and she slowly became aware of the room around her. She heard a muffled voice say her name.
“Sirius?” She moved her head to look for him, and gasped in surprised when she saw it wasn’t him by her side. “Remus? What are you doing here? Where’s Sirius?” He didn’t answer. She struggled to sit up, he leapt forward and gently helped her pull herself up and lean against her pillows.
“How are you feeling?” he asked gently, looking at her intently.
“I’ve felt better. Where’s Sirius?” he looked at her hopelessly. “What, Remus? What’s going on?” she was beginning to get hysterical. The healers had told him to make sure she didn’t get too worked up. If he didn’t tell her, she would get more and more frantic. He didn’t want to think about how she would be when he told her the truth. If he kept it from her, though, it would only be worse as she would be waiting for them. He felt a lump in his throat as he thought about what had happened, trying to get his head around it. It still didn’t seem true. He couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t see them again. The people who had stood by him, knowing what he was, what he is, were all gone. She was the only one left and he had to tell her the worst thing he would ever have to tell anyone. The worst news that she could possibly hear.
“Terese…” he began, his voice starting to break.
“Remus, please just tell me what’s going on”
“Terese. Oh God, Terese. James and Lily have been killed.” She stared at him as if he had just spoken a foreign language. There was no way James could be dead. Not now. Not when she needed him. James. Jimmy, who had always been there to hug her, tease her. Driving her mad. Making her laugh. Saving her life. And Lily. The voice of reason with a wicked sense of humour. Stubborn, kind and the only person who was able to control James. How could either of them be dead? And why was Remus telling her and not Sirius?
“Dead.” She said “James…Lily…”
“You-Know-Who was after them, so they went in to hiding after you were attacked. Dumbledore suggested the Fidelius charm. Sirius was their secret keeper. You-Know -Who found them and killed them two days later”
“Harry? Where’s Harry?”
“He’s with Lily’s sister. There was something about him that destroyed You-Know-Who. It’s all over, Terese. He’s gone”
“But if Sirius was secret keeper, that would mean…” Remus was crying now. “He wouldn’t do it Remus. There is no way he would betray James.”
“Peter went after him. Sirius turned on him and blew up half the street. Peter and twelve muggles were killed. They only found Peter’s finger. Sirius is in Azkaban”
Somehow, she was out of bed. She threw herself at him and began hitting him as hard as she could. He remembered her doing the same to Sirius one late night in the common room at school.
“LIAR! Remus you’re lying to me.” She screamed, sobbing. He grabbed her arms and pinned them to her side. She suddenly went limp and fell against him, sobbing even harder. He wrapped his arms around her and moved her back over to the bed. “James and Lily can’t be dead. Sirius wouldn’t betray them. He wouldn’t betray me Remus. He can’t have. Something doesn’t add up. What am I going to do without any of them?”
As she sat in his arms, images flashed through her mind. James throwing her in to the sea the summer before her parents were killed; looking after her at school when she was going off the rails; making sure she and Sirius always sorted out their problems. Lily, giggling at her as she drunkenly tried to stand up by the lake; hitting James with a magazine as he tried to carry her bags back from Hogsmeade. Lily and James getting married, having Harry.
Sirius. Kneeling up in the girls’ toilets, dripping wet after she accidentally soaked him during detention. Making love to her. Marrying her. Keeping his temper when she shouted at him- pregnant and hormonal. Holding her and reassuring her that the loss of their baby wasn’t her fault. That they could have more babies. Except they couldn’t now, because, if Remus was right, he had been lying to her for... she didn’t know how long. Had their whole life together been a lie?
How long ago…one week, maybe two…she was so happy. They were having a baby. They were all going to bring their children up together, as she and James had been their whole lives. Now all of that was gone. No baby. No Sirius. No James. No Lily. Not even any Harry if Petunia had her way.
She had thought she had felt alone before at times in her life. But she hadn’t realised then what it was like to lose everything and everyone she ever had.
Well thats it...just over a year after I started writing! But keep an eye out for the sequels... "Lost...and Found?" is the canon sequel and "All is not lost" for the AU sequel.
Thanks to so many people for their encouragement and support... Midnight Ink, Marinahill, prideandvanity, Andromeda Black, leent, evanlyn, Smileyface and many many more people- apologies if I've missed anyone. Love you all *hands round chocolate cake*
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